HUMOR Digest - 22 Dec 1998 to 23 Dec 1998
There are 9 messages totalling 478 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. This Crazy World
  2. Do The Math (adult)
  3. Frequently Asked Questions About Christmas
  4. Top5-12/22/98 - *Other* Signs Santa is a Woman
  5. Ouch!
  6. HO HO HO !!!!!!!!!
  7. A Scotch Bay (pun)
  8. A-la Elephant! <clean>
  9. "O, you can't get to heaven..."
 
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Date:    Tue, 22 Dec 1998 04:26:28 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: This Crazy World
 
* Nut Butter Inc, a food supplier in New York, was forced to
  recall a number of their products including peanut butter,
  cashew butter, and hazelnut butter because the labels do not
  contain the required warnings the butters contain roasted nuts.
                           - - - - -
 
*   Bill Clinton and Kenneth Starr were named "Time" magazine's
  "Men of the Year".  "Time" managing editor Walter Isaacson
  confirmed speculation Hillary Rodham Clinton had indeed been
  a leading contender for the magazine's honor.
    Does anyone else find that a LOT more scary than funny ?
                           - - - - -
 
* Returning to work for a few hours, Boris Yeltsin fired most of
  his top aides saying he was assuming control of two agencies.
  The shakeup removed aides who questioned the Russian President's
  health.  Afterward, Yeltsin went back to the government hospital
  where he's been staying. "You can see how vigorous I am" Yeltsin
  was quoted as saying by the paramedics in his private ambulance.
                           - - - - -
 
*   A $206 billion tobacco deal was signed by state legislators
  & governors.  They are preparing for a debate all politicians
  love -- how to handle the money; tax cuts, health programs or
  budget balancing. If the Clinton administration has its way,
  the federal government plans to use its muscle to force states
  to spend the tobacco money.
    I mean the very idea that any state would want to do anything
  with a windfall other than spend it sent chills thru the Capitol.
                           - - - - -
 
*   After a 9 month study of the 1994 genocidal bloodbath in Rwanda
  French lawmakers declared the UN, the US & the rest of the world
  were to blame. The study concluded "France was not implicated at
  all in the unleashing of the violence."  It blamed the US for not
  taking aggressive military action at the onset.
    The following week, French Defense Minister Richard deplored
  the wave of US attacks on Iraq saying that aggressive military
  action will result in "grave human consequences on the Iraqi
  population."
 
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Indexed UGA Humor Digests 1997-1998:
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 22 Dec 1998 07:42:07 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Do The Math (adult)
 
A 54 year old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday
evening that reads: "Dear Wife," that's what he called her, "I am
54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Grand
Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18 year old secretary."
 
When he arrived at the hotel, there was a letter waiting for him
that read, "Dear Husband," that's what she called him, "I too am 54
and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Breakwater
Hotel with my handsome and virile 18 year old boy toy.  You being
an accountant will therefore appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many
more times than 54 goes into 18."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 22 Dec 1998 09:38:13 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Frequently Asked Questions About Christmas
 
Q: If Santa doesn't have to age, then why has he become old?
A: He only appears to be old. He's an undercover kid.
 
Q: How can a sleigh possibly fly through the air?
A: If you were being pulled by eight flying reindeer, wouldn't
   you fly too?
 
Q: Why do we wish people a "Merry Christmas" instead of a "Happy
   Christmas"?
A: The two are about the same, but with "Merry Christmas" an extra
   twinkle is seen in the eyes.
 
Q: Why is a Christmas tree that has been chopped down called a
   "live Christmas tree?"
A: It's dead but doesn't know it, and yet it's having the time
   of its life.
 
Q: Why do we wrap our Christmas gifts with paper?
A: Because we like to see surprise and joy (real or kindly faked)
   in the recipients.
 
Q: How many angels can dance on the head of a pin?
A: Nowadays, only four angels can dance there. Formerly there was
   no limit, but OSHA passed the Angel Safety Law recently, which
   also requires that the pin must be inspected twice each year for
   structural defects.
 
Q: How many gifts can Santa Claus's bag hold?
A: One less than infinity. Why one less? Because there's a limit to
   everything.
 
Q: How could a star that is high in the sky lead the Wise Men to a
   tiny manger on the ground?
A: Wisely, toward the end of their journey they asked directions
   from someone on the road. Had they not been so wise, they might
   have missed the manger by several hundred miles. (That person on
   the road has never been identified.)
 
Q: Is there really a Mrs. Santa Claus?
A: The best way to know for sure is to ask Santa Claus next time
   you see him.
 
Q: Why do we hear so many bells at Christmas time?
A: Because so many people ring them.
 
Q: Why do so many people ring bells at Christmas time?
A: For the poor, for the joy, and because a bell can say what
   words can't say.
 
Q: What can't words say?
A: The moment you wake up on Christmas morning, listen carefully.
   You may hear then what words can't say.
 
          -Thanks to Mary Campbell
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 22 Dec 1998 12:13:47 -0500
From:    John Vogel <jvogel@DGS.DGSYS.COM>
Subject: Top5-12/22/98 - *Other* Signs Santa is a Woman
 
    The Top 15 *Other* Signs Santa Claus is Actually a Woman
                       December 22, 1998
 
15> Santa *remembers* it's Christmas.  'Nuf said.
 
14> Reads children's letters in office instead of in bathroom.
 
13> Never explains what exactly you did to deserve that coal in
    your stocking; if you have to ask, maybe that's the
    problem!
 
12> Employs little people in a sweatshop and co-hosts TV talk
    show, "Regis and Santa Lee."
 
11> Despite the closet full of red coats with big black belts,
    *still* insists she has nothing to wear on Christmas Eve.
 
10> "Mrs. Claus" wears work boots, has a crew cut, and drives
    a '68 El Camino.
 
 9> A man simply would not care if you were naughty or nice.
 
 8> Actually seems to shake like TWO bowls full of jelly.
 
 7> Bowl full of jelly, my ass.  It's water retention.
 
 6> Constantly whining about equality until it's time to
    clean out the reindeer stalls.
 
 5> Matching shoes and belt?  Only a woman would accessorize a
    pantsuit like that!
 
 4> No guy would ever name his animals Dancer and Prancer.
 
 3> Santa never, ever observed peeing off of rooftops.
 
 2> The North Pole Blockbuster's been out of "The Horse
    Whisperer" for weeks.
 
     and Top5's Number 1 *Other* Sign Santa Claus
     is Actually a Woman...
 
 1> With the way they build chimneys these days you'd *have*
    to be Calista friggin' Flockhart just to get in!
 
   [           This list copyright 1998 by Chris White            ]
   [  The Top 5 List   top5@gmbweb.com    http://www.topfive.com  ]
   [      To forward or repost, please include this section.      ]
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 22 Dec 1998 13:16:13 -0500
From:    Steve and Cindy <atlas@EZNET.NET>
Subject: Ouch!
 
Saddam Hussein and Bill Clinton meet up in Baghdad for the first
round of talks in a new peace process.  When Bill sits down, he
notices three buttons on the side of Saddam's chair.
 
They begin talking.  After about five minutes Saddam presses the
first button. A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and
punches Clinton in the face.
 
Confused, Clinton carries on talking as Saddam laughs. A few
minutes later the second button is pressed. This time a big boot
comes out and kicks Clinton in the shin. Again Saddam laughs, and
again Clinton carries on talking, not wanting to put off the bigger
issue of peace between the two countries.
 
But when the third button is pressed and another boot comes out and
kicks Clinton in the privates, he's finally had enough, knowing
that he can't do much without them functioning well.
 
"I'm going back home!" he tells the Iraqi.  "We'll finish these
talks in two weeks!"
 
A fortnight passes and Saddam flies to the United States for talks.
As the two men sit down, Hussein notices three buttons on Clinton's
chair and prepares himself for the Yank's revenge.
 
They begin talking and Bill presses the first button. Saddam ducks,
but nothing happens. Clinton snickers. A few seconds later he
presses the second button. Saddam jumps up, but again nothing
happens. Clinton roars with laughter. When the third button is
pressed, Saddam jumps up again, and again nothing happens. Clinton
falls on the floor in a fit of hysterics.
 
"Forget this," says Saddam. "I'm going back to Baghdad!"
Clinton says through tears of laughter, "What Baghdad?"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 22 Dec 1998 16:52:27 -0600
From:    RANEBOUX <wett@GS.VERIO.NET>
Subject: HO HO HO !!!!!!!!!
 
Santa was delivering gifts as usual, when at one house a beautiful
young woman was awaiting his arrival. She begged him to stay and
cuddle with her on the couch. Santa declined, saying "Ho-ho, gotta
go. Gotta deliver these presents, you know."
 
Trying again, the lovely young thing removed her clothing down
to her underwear. "OH Santa, won't you please stay?" she begged.
Taking a long look, Santa sighed and delivered a not too
believable, "Ho-ho, gotta go. Gotta deliver these presents
you know."
 
Not to be denied, this gorgeous female stripped off every stitch
of remaining clothing, smiled and said in the sexiest voice
imaginable, "Oh, Santa, please reconsider? Stay with me?"
 
With a very pained look on his face, Santa groaned and said very
slowly, "Ho-ho, gotta go. Gotta deliver these presents you know."
And with that, he turned and left. Two minutes passed, and Santa
re-appeared, plopping himself down on the couch next to the
beautiful girl.
 
"Santa! You decided to stay!!" she exclaimed gleefully.
 
Santa grinned and said "Hey - hey, gotta stay. Can't get up the
chimney THIS way!"
               - - - - - - - - - - -
 
As the holiday season gets under way, I would like to thank my
cable company for making it seem like Christmas every day because
no matter what channel I look at, I always see snow.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 22 Dec 1998 17:31:36 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: A Scotch Bay (pun)
 
In the days of old when Scotland had the only branches of
McDonalds, a band of marauding knights reached the Tobermoray area
and stopped by the large expanse of water to have a swim and
freshen up, occasionally stopping to rest on a a wooden platform
they had been carrying.
 
A Scots boy and his father watched them jump in and when they
emerged the boy said to his father, "Look, Dad, they're twelve feet
tall now, but that wooden raft seems to have shrunk"
 
"Aye, son, " he said. "It is a well known fact that... the knights
get longer in Loch Tober, but the dais gets shorter!"
 
          -By Graham Kerr in The Pundit
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 23 Dec 1998 10:04:04 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMCLTD.COM>
Subject: A-la Elephant! <clean>
 
Q: What do you call an elephant wearing pink earmuffs and a dress?
A: Anything you want, it can't hear you.
 
Q: Why is an elephant big, grey, and wrinkly?
A: Because, if it was small, white and smooth it would be an
   Aspirin !
 
Q: What's grey and white on the inside and red on the outside?
A: An inside out elephant.
 
Q: What is grey and not there?
A: No elephants.
 
Q: How do you shoot a blue elephant?
A: With a blue elephant gun, of course.
 
Q: How do you shoot a red elephant?
A: No, not with a red elephant gun. You strangle him until he turns
   blue, and then shoot him with a blue elephant gun.
 
Q: How do you shoot a green elephant?
A: Tell him a dirty joke so he turns red, strangle him until he
   turns blue, and then shoot him with a blue elephant gun.
 
Q: How do you shoot a yellow elephant?
A: Ever seen a yellow elephant? ( stup-pid , fuul , idyut ) !!!
 
Q: Why are elephants wrinkled?
A: Have you ever tried to iron one?
 
Q: Why did the elephant fall out of the tree?
A: Because it was dead !
 
Q: Why did the second elephant fall out of the tree?
A: It was glued to the first one.
 
Q: Why did the third elephant fall out of the tree?
A: It thought it was a game.
 
Q: And why did the tree fall down?
A: It thought it was an elephant.
 
Q: How many legs does an elephant have?
A: Four, two in the front, two in the back.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 22 Dec 1998 23:32:49 -0500
From:    Lee_Bradley <lbradley@VALDOSTA.EDU>
Subject: "O, you can't get to heaven..."
 
A re-narration of a short story by Marcel Ayme' (1902-1967):
 
          New Title: "God is on OUR side!"
 
Once upon a time, there was this old spinster who was SOOOOO devout
all her life.  The cross she was to bear in life was a hellion of
an orphaned nephew who fell her lot to rear from his seventh year
on. She raised her snot of a nephew the best she could, praying for
him each time during her several visits to the church each day.
But he was a worthless snot who was always drunk and looking for a
fight.  No matter how much anguish he caused her, she still loved
him, prayed for him, but despaired for his way of life.
 
He finally joined the army to get away from her, her prayers, and
her church... to find a less restrictive environment for his
effervescent personality.  Then war broke out.  The entire nation
rallied around the Flag, shouting in the local language something
equivalent to "GOTT MIT UNS!" <Got is with us!> The flower of the
nation's youth rushed to swell the ranks of the armed forces, eager
to offer their lives for God and Country and the National Way of
Life.
 
Well, the old lady happened to die just a few days after a big
battle. She arrived at the Gates of Heaven to present her pious
life before St. Peter and discovered that there was a Monster Line
of soldiers waiting to get into Heaven. It seemed as if EVERYONE
were standing in line ahead of her.  There was Sgt Stamps, Col.
TowHead, NasaDweeb and NasaDorf, Ben Sheepslayer, MsJarHead, and of
course, there was even her dead snot of a nephew, all in line in
front of her.
 
It just so happened that, in this particular conflict, God was for
BOTH sides, and all the soldiers (on both sides) who had died for
God and Country had been blessed by God, and therefore, were
eligible to get into heaven!  The pious old lady had to let the
soldiers go through first, but the nephew, unexpectedly tender for
a minute, reached down from his horse and tossed her up behind him
as he was about to pass through the Pearly Gates.
 
"Hold it," snapped St. Peter, "I told you that we're not taking in
anybody today except those soldiers who died for God and Country."
 
" 'Sokay," chimed in the nephew as he rode the old lady through the
Gates of Heaven, "this here was our regimental whore!"
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 22 Dec 1998 to 23 Dec 1998
************************************************
 
     