HUMOR Digest - 21 Dec 1998 to 22 Dec 1998
There are 11 messages totalling 408 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Parents - Kids
  2. Black Guy/Gorilla (off. to both)
  3. Choirs Of Angels <adult>
  4. Office Holiday Memo
  5. Holiday Greetings.
  6. [OTT] Twas the night before Christmas
  7. Teddy Kennedy the Red Nose..Holiday "Cheer"(adult)
  8. Happy meal (Not offensive)
  9. Dogs (Puns)
 10. Honeymoon Check <adult>
 11. Bank account <crude language>
 
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Date:    Mon, 21 Dec 1998 04:14:24 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Parents - Kids
 
* Housewife: "How did you know I was home ?  My son told you
              I was out"
   Salesman: "It was easy Lady.  He was mowing the lawn."
                           - - - - -
 
* Father: "$10 ???  When I was a boy, I asked for quarters."
     Son: "OK Dad, have it your way -- may I have 40 quarters ?"
                           - - - - -
 
* Yuppie Father: "Eat your dinner !"
          Child: "Motivate me !"
                           - - - - -
 
* Any Father will tell ya that parents spend the first 2-3 years
  of a daughter's life trying to teach them to talk, and the next
  15 or so trying to get them to shut-up.
                           - - - - -
 
* Baby sitter (greeting the returning parents): "Don't apologize
  for being late.  If I had your two, I wouldn't be in any hurry
  to get back home either."
                           - - - - -
 
*   Mother: "How come I haven't seen that boy you met on vacation?"
  Daughter: "Which one Ma ?"
    Mother: "You know.  The one you couldn't live without."
                           - - - - -
 
* 1st Father: "I guess I'm just wasting my breath when I give
               advice to my son."
  2nd Father: "Not at all !  Years from now, he'll be giving
               the same advice to his son."
                           - - - - -
 
*   Mother: "What did Father say when he learned you're pregnant ?"
  Daughter: "Shall I leave out the profanity ?"
    Mother: "Yes, of course !"
  Daughter: "Nothing."
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Indexed UGA Humor Digests 1997-1998:
     (text)  www2.crosswinds.net/baltimore/~jimjr
      (zip)  www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 21 Dec 1998 07:28:48 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Black Guy/Gorilla (off. to both)
 
A black guy walked into a bar with a large female gorilla. He sat
down at the bar and said," I would like a bourbon and white wine
for my date."
 
The bartender looked him in the eye and said, "We don't serve
gorillas in this bar." The black guy, insulted by this seemingly
bizarre attitude left the bar in anger. He got home and started
thinking that this wasn't right. So he decided to shave the gorilla
and take her back to the very same bar.
 
So, after clipping the gorilla as short as he could he walked
back into the bar, sat down at a table with the gorilla in tow and
ordered a bourbon and a white wine. The same bartender looked at
him and obligingly brought a round of drinks and walked back to the
bar and turned to a friend and remarked, "Isn't that something,
everytime a good looking Italian girl comes in here she's with a
black guy."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 21 Dec 1998 07:36:03 -0500
From:    Paul Benoit <pbenoit@SPEEDLINETECH.COM>
Subject: Choirs Of Angels <adult>
 
Dear Lee,
    My Doctor and I went singing Christmas Carols last night...
it was SO much fun!! He had a brand new song book that we
used, with many new versions of old favorites. Some of our
other friends came also: Alphonse and his voices Ned, Peter,
Daniel, Grimace, June, and Butch/Bitch (hee hee, even his
*voices* have voices!); Gringo (you remember Gringo?), but
they wouldn't let him out of the jacket; and Nutty Nadine, along
with a few others. Everyone was asking for you, wondering when
you'd be back... except for Nadine of course - she still says
that's YOUR baby!
 
Here's a little preview for you from
 Dr. RTerrycloth's new songbook:
 
Schizophrenia:
    Do You Hear What I Hear?
 
Multiple Personality:
     We Three Kings Disoriented Are
 
Dementia:
    I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas
 
Narcissistic:
    Hark the Herald Angels Sing (About Me)
 
Mania:
    Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and...
    or Deck the Halls and Spare No Expenses
 
Borderline Personality:
    Thoughts of Roasting in an Open Fire
 
Paranoia:
    Santa Claus is Coming To Get Me
 
Personality Disorder:
    You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry.
    I'm Gonna Pout, then MAYBE I'll Tell You Why
 
Depression:
    Silent Anhedonia, Holy Anhedonia.
    All is Calm, All is Pretty Lonely
 
Obsessive Compulsive:
    Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
    Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
    Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
    Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
    Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock...
 
Passive Aggressive:
    On the First Day of Christmas My Mother Gave
    To Me...    (And Then She Took it All Away!!)
 
              -----------------------------
Pretty neat, huh? Anyway, I'll be seeing you
 when your prescription runs out, I'm sure!!
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 21 Dec 1998 09:14:56 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Office Holiday Memo
 
To      All Employees
From    Management
Subject Office conduct during the Christmas season
 
Effective immediately, employees should keep in mind the following
guidelines in compliance with FROLIC (the Federal Revelry Office
and Leisure Industry Council).
 
1. Running aluminum foil through the paper shredder to make tinsel
   is discouraged.
 
2. Playing Jingle Bells on the push-button phone is forbidden (it
   runs up an incredible long distance bill)
 
3. Work requests are not to be filed under "Bah humbug."
 
4. Company cars are not to be used to go over the river and through
   the woods to Grandma's house.
 
5.  All fruitcake is to be eaten BEFORE July 25.
 
6.  Egg nog will NOT be dispensed in vending machines.
 
In spite of all this, the staff is encouraged to have a Happy
Holiday.
 
          -Thanks to Mary Campbell
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 21 Dec 1998 15:28:05 -0500
From:    Jim Mica <jmica@ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: Holiday Greetings.
 
During the winter of 1970-71 I worked as a janitor at a county
courthouse in Upstate New York (it was Binghamton for those who
care for the specifics). One of my tasks was to run the elevator --
an old manual one with a lever to make it go up and down and not
many safety features so you could stop it between floors for the
fun of it.
 
Here is the sign I placed in that elevator during the holiday
season:
 
We wish you felicitations concomitant with your observance of the
season and many propitious initions during the forthcoming
twelve month.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 21 Dec 1998 23:56:43 GMT
From:    Catweasel <catweasel@CATWEASEL.ORG>
Subject: [OTT] Twas the night before Christmas
 
"YULESVILLE"
 
'Twas the night before Christmas and all thru the pad,
Not a hep cat was swinging - and that's nowhere, dad,
The stove was hung up in that stocking routine,
Like, maybe the fat man would soon make the scene.
The kids that fell by had just made the street;
I was ready for Snoresville, and man, was I beat;
When there started a rumble that came on real frantic,
So I opened the window to figure the panic.
I saw a slick rod that was making fat tracks,
Souped up by eight ponies, all wearing hat racks;
And a funny old geezer was flipping his lid.
He told them to make it, and man, like they did!
They were out of the chute, making time like a bat,
Turning the quarter in eight seconds flat.
They parked by the smokestack in bunches and clusters,
And Chubby slid down, coming on like gangbusters,
His threads were from Cubesville and I had to chuckle,
In front, not in back, was his Ivy league buckle!
And the mop on his chin had a button-down collar,
And with that red nose he looked like a baller.
Like he was the squarest, the most absolute,
But let's face it, who cares when he left all that loot?
He laid the jazz on me and peeled from the gig,
Wailing, "Have a cool Yule, Man!" and clutched off in his rig.
 
		-From the Bench Racer 1962,
		 from the Foothills Street Rod Association at fsra.org
 
 
http://www.catweasel.org
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 21 Dec 1998 18:31:02 -0600
From:    RANEBOUX <wett@GS.VERIO.NET>
Subject: Teddy Kennedy the Red Nose..Holiday "Cheer"(adult)
 
Teddy the red-nosed senator
Had a very shiny car
And if you ever saw it
You were probably at a bar.
All of the other senators
Wondered how he got his dames
They thought he drank too many
To play in any bedroom games.
 
Then one foggy Christmas Eve,
Santa came to say:
"Teddy with your nose so red,
Won't you help me guide my sled?"
That's how the police found them
Wrapped around a maple tree
Teddy the red-nosed senator
He's a drunken S.O.B.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 21 Dec 1998 21:12:37 -0500
From:    Jerry Alan Cole <smokin@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Happy meal (Not offensive)
 
I was wondering why Mcdonald's fast food restaurants are promoting
the movie "A Bugs Life" so heavily.  Then I realised, that's where
the movie was filmed.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 21 Dec 1998 18:23:04 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Dogs (Puns)
 
A man who tried to drive across a state line with a dog sitting in
a pan of soda water. When he explained to the state police that his
dog was under treatment, they said, "Well, you can't bring in a dog
like that...  This is a catatonic state."
          -By Ray Fransen; In The Pundit
               - - - - - - - - - - - - -
 
A dog owner in Dallas had a pit bull that hated to walk. He kept
sitting down and bracing his feet so that his owner would have to
drag him by his leash. The owner finally gave up when he realized
that he was creating a... bottomless pit!
          -From The Pundit
               - - - - - - - - - - - - -

   I have a dog that talks in its sleep. One day a visitor was
astonished to hear the dog bellow "My name is Christopher Columbus!
I am seven hundred years old! I own America! I married Marilyn
Monroe!"
   When the visitor asked what was going on, I replied... "Don't
worry about it... just let sleeping dogs lie."
          -By Sandy Illes In The Pundit)
               - - - - - - - - - - - - -
 
   When a woman and her dog moved into the neighborhood and the man
next door came to introduce himself, the dog attacked him, tearing
at his clothes and inflicting a minor bite. The woman called her
dog off and apologized profusely.
   The next day, the man was walking by and, seeing the woman but
no dog, decided to show that he had no hard feelings by asking,
"How's the dog?"
   To which the woman replied... " I did."
          -By Carl Hess in The Pundit
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 22 Dec 1998 09:38:04 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMCLTD.COM>
Subject: Honeymoon Check <adult>
 
Two Polish guys are discussing one's upcoming wedding..."I'm not
sure if my future bride is a virgin or not."
 
His buddy replies, "Oh, there's an easy test for that.  All you
need is some red paint, some blue paint and a shovel.  You paint
one ball red and one ball blue.  On your honeymoon, if she laughs
and says 'Those are the funniest balls I've ever seen!' you hit her
with the shovel!"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 21 Dec 1998 21:10:43 -0800
From:    Steven & Susan <sgarrett@NWRAIN.COM>
Subject: Bank account <crude language>
 
A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the
window, "I want to open a damn checking account."  To which the
astonished woman replies, I beg your pardon, sir; I must have
misunderstood you.  What did you say?"
 
"Listen up, damn it.  I said I want to open a damn checking account
right now!"
 
"I'm very sorry sir, but we do not tolerate that kind of language
in this bank."
 
So saying, the teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank
manager to tell him about her situation. They both return and the
manager asks the old geezer, "What seems to be the problem here?"
 
"There's no friggin problem, dammit!" the man says, "I just won $50
million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn
checking account in this damn bank!"
 
"I see," says the manager, "and this bitch is giving you a hard
time?"
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 21 Dec 1998 to 22 Dec 1998
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