HUMOR Digest - 20 Dec 1998 to 21 Dec 1998
There are 8 messages totalling 417 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. The 90's
  2. Offensive language
  3. If Jesus Were Born Today
  4. Clues! (adult)
  5. A Short NAtIVITY PLAY(OFFENSIVE)
  6. Letters to Bill <crude>
  7. Crime on the Farm (Pun)
  8. Pro. Styles <adult>
 
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Date:    Sun, 20 Dec 1998 03:30:02 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: The 90's
 
* 90's girls are anything but dumb.  They all know a good thing
  when they sue it.
                           - - - - -
 
* Health Food Stores are a big deal in the 90's.  I have serious
  doubts though. How come the clerks look like death warmed over ?
                           - - - - -
 
* Speaking of food (I was) the four basic food groups of the 90's
  seem to be: carry-out, frozen, fast and junk.
                           - - - - -
 
* The "lucky man" of the 90's has a neat car, a satellite dish, an
  entertainment center, a fast computer & a wife. And they all work!
                           - - - - -
 
* Who sez 90's women can't plan meals.  Some of the ones I know
  make something great for dinner every nite --  reservations.
                           - - - - -
 
* I have a gift suggestion for the "Yuppie who has everything" --
  A home security alarm service.
                           - - - - -
 
* Honesty is almost a thing of the past these days.  In my day,
  honesty came from your parents, the Church and an overwhelming
  fear of being caught.
                           - - - - -
 
* The young men of today tell me 90's girls are dynamite.
  Hell, that's nothing new -- I found that out way back in the
  50's every time I tried dropping one.
                           - - - - -
 
* That's another thing.  Don't believe any tall tales your Father
  or GrandFather tells ya how "wild" 50's girls were.  I assure
  you, most of them could have been test pilots for chastity belts.
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Indexed UGA Humor Digests 1997-1998:
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 20 Dec 1998 07:26:44 -0500
From:    "Dr. Jeffry Luria" <jluria@MINDSPRING.COM>
Subject: Offensive language
 
Fellow spends several months alone in the "Outback" of Australia,
desperately needs a drink.  Packs up his belongings, picks up his
pet alligator and dumps them in the back of his pickup truck.
Drives a hundred miles to the nearest watering hole, and while
dusting himself off sees two blokes storming out the front door
beating the hell out of each other.
 
"Ay it's a tough one eh?  He goes back to the truck picks up his
pet alligator and marchs into the joint, going up to the bar and
slamming the alligator down on it.  "To save a lot of fighting, I'm
going to show you "tough".  He slams the alligator on the head with
his fist and the jaws slowly open; he whips out his prick sticks it
in the alligators mouth and slams the alligators head with his fist
again.  The jaws close quickly but stop just short of his vital and
he leaves it there for a minute, with the bar crowd in utter
silence.  He slams the head of the alligator with his fist again
and the jaws slowly open.
 
He pulls out his prick, zips up his fly and asks the crowd, "Okay
blokes anyone here tough enough for that?"
 
Utter silence until a voice from the back queries, "Yeah, if you
don't hit me on the head".
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 20 Dec 1998 09:06:23 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: If Jesus Were Born Today
 
Child advocates would remove the child from the custody of his
mother when they discovered she was shacking with a guy (not the
child's father) in a barn. In most jurisdictions that would
constitute child neglect.
 
Of course, Mary would have an underpaid court appointed attorney
to represent her in the dependent-neglect proceeding, and Joseph
would be out of luck once it was determined that paternity could
not be established within a reasonable degree of medical certainty
through blood or DNA testing (97% probability that Joe was the dad
is sufficient, but absent divine intervention, that couldn't
happen, hmmm?). He would be excluded from juvenile court as a
stranger to the proceeding and investigated for possible sexual
deviance (all those oxen and asses around), and he would be told
that he had no standing to object since he was not the natural
father of the child and was not yet married to Mary (by their own
admissions they had not yet consummated their union).
 
The Division of Children and Family Services would ask the court
to order Mary to take parenting classes, and the Court would order
that homemaker services be provided as well, since  obviously Mary
can't keep house properly (the place where the DHS workers found
the child was kept remarkably like a barn). Mary would be allowed
to have one visit with Jesus per week at the Centers for Youth and
Families. The visit would be one hour long, and supervised by a
therapist since Jesus would no doubt be put in therapeutic foster
care to prevent psychological damage resulting from the horrible
lack of civilization to which he had been exposed at such a tender
age.
 
At the eighteen month dispositional hearing, the court would
consider terminating parental rights because of Mary's refusal to
bring a paternity suit against Jesus' true biological father (or
even to identify him to the satisfaction of the Court).  The Court
would be appalled at the life choices Mary would have made: she
would have completed her marriage to Joseph (that suspected sexual
deviant) and had more children by him, which was obviously contrary
to Jesus' best interest. Since Mary and Joseph had fled the
jurisdiction with Jesus once to escape encounters with the
authorities, they would determine that Mary and Joe had nefarious
plans to abscond with the Ward of the State to Egypt again, where
they would possibly engage in dangerous and illegal activities with
him. Parental rights would be terminated, and Jesus would be put up
for adoption.
 
He would be adopted by the Herods, a well-connected and politically
powerful family, who have been searching for just such a child as
Jesus. Of course, Jesus will die in the custody of his adoptive
family, because that's all they wanted him for in the first place.
Social services will NOT have intervened prior to his death because
the state social workers could never imagine someone as highly
placed as the Herods exploiting children or torturing them to
death.  The political ramifications for the Herods would have been
too severe. In all likelihood, the social service agencies would
cover up the death as one occurring from accident, and Herod's
good name will be preserved.
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 20 Dec 1998 09:34:38 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Clues! (adult)
 
The trick to successful dating is learning how to interpret the
hidden signs, those giveaway gestures that can tell you so much
about a person. Train yourself to recognize and decode these key
'signs':
 
Woman won't unlock car door for man - Doesn't engage in oral sex;
 
Man gets in car without opening door for woman - No foreplay;
 
Insists on going to a brand new restaurant - Prefers virgins;
 
Insists on going to a brand new restaurant but gets lost on the way
Is a virgin;
 
Can't hail a cab - Impotent;
 
Insists on going to a homely little cafe with windmill motif -
Compulsive Don Quixote;
 
Insists on going to a romantic candle-lit restaurant - Compulsive
Don Juan;
 
Insists on going to a Polynesian bar - Compulsive Don Ho:
 
Wants to go to a French restaurant - Will swallow;
 
Wants to go to a deli - Won't swallow;
 
Takes too long deciding what to order - Has trouble reaching
orgasm;
 
Orders salad dressing on the side - Will give you a handjob, but
will not go "all the way";
 
Gives explicit orders to waiter - Will expect incredibly skillful
gymnastics in bed;
 
Asks for extra rolls - Will say she is using birth control when
she's not. Will get pregnant and sue;
 
Insists on ordering for you, referring to you as "The lady will
have ..."  Thinks you had an orgasm when you didn't;
 
Asks for "The Usual" - Insists on missionary position only;
 
Asks what the specials are - Will want you to use handcuffs;
 
Fills up on bread and crackers - Premature ejaculation;
 
Doesn't finish everything on plate - Has already come;
 
Insists on having some of whatever you ordered - Will make you
sleep on the wet spot;
 
Changes mind after ordering - Will never call you;
 
Changes tables - Nymphomaniac;
 
Drinks Decaf. - Fakes Orgasm (Female);
 
Orders in French - Fakes Orgasm (Male);
 
Sends food back - Will sleep with you, brag to all his friends,
then try to borrow money;
 
Asks for detailed descriptions of desserts - Needs you to talk
dirty during sex;
 
Orders a dessert involving ladyfingers - Wants a handjob;
 
Orders a dessert involving nuts - Castrating Bitch;
 
Wants to split dessert - Is dying to get rid of her apartment, move
in with you, rearrange all your closets and take down all your
baseball posters;
 
Credit card is refused - Low sperm count;
 
Undertips waiter - Small penis;
 
Undertips parking valet - Small penis;
 
Undertips cabbie - Small penis;
 
Uses toothpick - Is trying to tell you size isn't everything;
 
Removable cassette player in car - Pulls out repeatedly during sex;
 
Cellular phone in car - Penile implant.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 20 Dec 1998 08:42:52 -0600
From:    RANEBOUX <wett@GS.VERIO.NET>
Subject: A Short NAtIVITY PLAY(OFFENSIVE)
 
          Nativity Play
 
Angel to Mary:
 
"First the good news, Mary: you're going to have a baby! But don't
get too attached to him, he'll be dead by Easter."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 20 Dec 1998 09:52:41 -0800
From:    Steven & Susan <sgarrett@NWRAIN.COM>
Subject: Letters to Bill <crude>
 
          Letters to the President
 
Dear Bill:
As a fellow Southern Baptist, I can sympathize with your
predicament. Although when I was president I merely lusted in my
heart, I have to admit that had I served another term, my lust
might have broken free and moved down my body.  God bless you in
this time of trial.
                    Jimmy Carter
               ----------------------
 
Dear Bill:
OK, so I'll never be president, but at least Donna Rice was a
babe!
                    Gary Hart
               ----------------------
 
My Dear Chap:
This is a bit of a sticky wicket, but if I were you, I should
ask that charming Jay Leno fellow to see you through.  Pop onto
his show, admit that you made an ass of yourself and all will be
forgiven.
                    Hugh Grant
               ----------------------
 
Bill:
They entrapped me, they framed me, they caught me in a motel with
drugs and a prostitute, but I bounced back and so can you!  Bitch
done set us up!
                  Mayor Marion Berry
               ----------------------
 
Dear Bill:
Look at the bright side.  At least you weren't caught wearing
Monica's thong underwear.  By the way, did you catch my sports
show?  I'm back on TV for  the fall.
                    Marv Albert
               ----------------------
 
Dear Mr. President:
You may have noticed that I'm not jumping on the impeachment
bandwagon (note: this was written a week ago).  Let me assure you,
you're not the only one in Congress who thinks oral sex isn't
really sex. Warm personal regards,
                        Newt
               ----------------------
 
Dear Bill:
Hang in there, pal!  By the way, Kathie Lee sends Hillary her
regards and invites her to come on her show anytime.
                    Frank Gifford
               ----------------------
 
Dear Mr. President:
Now I'm on the Supreme Court.  I'm here for life!  And there's
nothing anyone can do about it!  So there!
          Justice Clarence (Long Dong) Thomas
               ----------------------
 
Dear Former Worthy Opponent:
Whoo, Boy!  All I can say is, Bob Dole would never have gotten
himself into this mess.  Not Bob Dole!  Not before Viagra, anyway!
                      Bob Dole
               ----------------------
 
Dear Mr. President:
I think it's terrible what they are doing to you, and I want you
to now that if you need to get away from it all, you're welcome to
bring Buddy and stay with me on my Wonderland Ranch for as long as
you want.  I'll move the Cub Scout Pack to a tent on the lawn and
you can have their room.
                   Michael Jackson
               ----------------------
 
Dear Fellow Sinner:
Jesus forgives you and so do I.
                 Rev. Jimmy Swaggart
               ----------------------
 
Dear Bill:
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
                     Jim Baker
P.S. Jessica sends regards and wants to get together with you
sometime.
               ----------------------
 
Dear Bill:
Next time (if there is a next time), don't let them get you on
tape.  Big mistake!!  With sympathy,
                     Rob Lowe
               ----------------------
 
Dear Bill:
If I survived wanting to be a tampon, you can survive the cigar
bit. Things were grim for a while, but now it looks like I might
actually manage to marry my darling Camilla, and someday I'll be
King!  Funny how life turns out. So keep a stiff upper lip!  (And
relax everything else, haha!  And they say I don't have a sense of
humor)
          HRH Charles Windsor, Prince of Wales
               ----------------------
 
Dear Mr. President:
We invite you to be the cover subject of our next issue.
         The editors, Cigar Aficionado magazine
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 20 Dec 1998 11:36:22 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Crime on the Farm (Pun)
 
In the depths of the countryside there lived a farmer who took care
of baby animals. The farm was very peaceful until one day the
farmer's pig was murdered.
 
The only witness the farmer had to this murder was his pet bunny
rabbit. Since the rabbit was unable to speak and tell him who
murdered his pig, the farmer lined up four animal suspects, a cow,
a horse, a young goat, and a duck, and told the rabbit to pick out
who had committed the murder.
 
The rabbit hopped forward three feet, and when he stopped in front
of the goat, the farmer shook his head and said... "The hare's
looking at you, kid."
               -By Carol Scheiderman
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 21 Dec 1998 09:41:25 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMCLTD.COM>
Subject: Pro. Styles <adult>
 
For those of you about to become first time fathers, you should
know something that old pros do: there are three stages of sex with
your mate during pregnancy..
 
During the first trimester, you do it regular style..
During the second trimester, you do it doggie style..
During the last trimester, you do it wolf style.
 
"What the heck is wolf style?", you ask..
That's when you sit by the hole and howl!
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 20 Dec 1998 to 21 Dec 1998
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