HUMOR Digest - 19 Dec 1998 to 20 Dec 1998
There are 5 messages totalling 308 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Women Bashing <some adult humor>
  2. Why Christmas Trees Are Better Than Women
  3. Humor: Chocolate Rules! <clean>
  4. I'd love to but...
  5. More PUNY Riddles
 
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Date:    Sat, 19 Dec 1998 04:36:12 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Women Bashing <some adult humor>
 
She goes to all parties incognito --
No leash
 
They even made a movie about her sex life --
"The Night of the Living Dead"
 
She's not pushing forty --
She's dragging it !
 
I'm not saying she's fat --
But I could have sworn I heard her calves "moo"
 
She's been "Born again" --
Trouble is, she came back as herself
 
Everybody who knows her sez she's a "10" --
She charges strangers twenty however
 
I'm not saying she's narrow minded...
Then again, she only wears one earring
 
Although the doctor said she didn't have ulcers --
Her husband insists she's a carrier
 
I'm not saying she's a pushy broad...
But I hear she took private lessons from Hillary
 
She inherited her beauty --
Her Father left her the family's drugstore
 
She sez her face is her fortune --
I agree, but she oughta keep it in a vault
 
I wouldn't exactly say she was fat --
She's just a little broad shouldered around the hips
 
Personally, I think she overdid the diet bit --
She could be a poster girl for a famine
 
She always sez "Talk is Cheap" --
She oughta know; I think she gets it wholesale
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Indexed UGA Humor Digests 1997-1998:
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Date:    Sat, 19 Dec 1998 06:57:07 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Why Christmas Trees Are Better Than Women
 
10. A Christmas tree doesn't care how many other Christmas trees
    you have had in the past.
 9. Christmas trees don't get mad if you use exotic electrical
    devices.
 8. A Christmas tree doesn't care if you have an artificial one in
    the closet.
 7. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you break one of its balls.
 6. You can feel a Christmas tree before you take it home.
 5. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you look up underneath it.
 4. When you are done with a Christmas tree you can throw it on the
    curb and have it hauled away.
 3. A Christmas tree doesn't get jealous around other Christmas
    trees.
 2. A Christmas tree doesn't care if you watch football all day.
 
And the # ONE reason Christmas Trees are better than women
 
 1. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you tie it up and throw it
    in the back of your pickup truck.
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
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Date:    Sat, 19 Dec 1998 07:36:28 -0800
From:    Randall Woodman <rwoodman@HOME.COM>
Subject: Humor: Chocolate Rules! <clean>
 
Chocolate Rules!
 
If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands,
you're eating it too slowly.
 
Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries
all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.
 
The problem:  How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store
in hot car. The solution:  Eat it in the parking lot.
 
Diet tip:  Eat a chocolate bar before each meal.  It'll take the
edge off your appetite and you'll eat less. A nice box of
chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one
place.  Isn't that handy?
 
If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer.
But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what is wrong with you?
 
If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the
fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of
the chocolate to protect themselves.
 
If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is
that a balanced diet?
 
Money talks.  Chocolate sings.
 
Chocolate has many preservatives.  Preservatives make you look
younger.
 
Q.  Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous?
A.  Because no one wants to quit.
 
If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top
pantyhose. An entire garment industry would be devastated.
 
Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today.
That way, at least you'll get one thing done.
 
          -Sent From: Griff Evans <griff@airdiscounters.com>
 
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Date:    Sat, 19 Dec 1998 09:55:14 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: I'd love to but...
 
   (Ever need an excuse to get out of doing things?)
 
     I'd love to, but...
 
having fun gives me prickly heat.
I changed the lock on my door; now I can't get out.
I did my own thing, and now I've got to undo it.
I don't want to leave my 0zone.
I feel a song coming on.
I have left my body in my other clothes.
I have some hard words to look up in the dictionary.
I have to answer all of my "occupant" letters.
I have to be on the next train to Bermuda.
I have to bleach my hare.
I have to check freshness dates on my diary products.
I have to draw "Cubby" for an art scholarship.
I have to floss my cat.
I have to fluff my shower cap.
I have to fulfill my destiny.
I have to feed my Ongbun.
I have to go to court for kitty littering.
I have to jog my memory.
I have to knit dust bunnies for a charity bazaar.
I have to rotate my crops.
I have to sit up with a sick ant.
I have to stay home and see if I snore.
I have to study for a blood test.
I have to thaw some karate chops for dinner.
I have too much guilt.
I made an appointment with a cuticle specialist.
I never go out on days that end in "Y".
I prefer to remain an enigma.
I promised to help a friend fold road maps.
I think you want the other Lump.
I want to spend more time with my blender.
I'll be looking for a parking space for December.
I'm attending a perfume convention as guest sniffer.
I'm attending the opening of my garage door.
I'm being deported.
I'm building a pig from a kit.
I'm converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.
I'm doing door-to-door collecting for belly button lint.
I'm enrolled in aerobic scream therapy.
I'm getting my overalls overhauled.
I'm giving nuisance lessons at a convenience store.
I'm going through cherry cheesecake withdraw.
I'm going to be old someday soon.
I'm going to count the bristled in my toothbrush.
I'm having all my plants neutered.
I'm having my baby shoes bronzed.
I'm in training to be a household pest.
I'm observing National Apathy Week.
I'm planning to go downtown to try on gloves.
I'm sandblasting my neighbor's oven.
I'm seeing how long I can go without saying yes.
I'm taking punk totem pole carving.
I'm teaching my ferret to yodel.
I'm too old for that stuff.
I'm too young for that stuff.
I'm touring China with a wok band.
I'm trying to be less popular.
I'm trying to cut down.
I'm uncomfortable when I'm alone or with others.
I'm up to my elbows in waxy buildup.
I'm waiting to see if I'm already a winner.
I'm working on my cottage cheese sculpture.
I'm worried about my left foot.
I'm writing a love letter to Al Gore.
I'm writing a sex note to Richard Simmons.
I've been scheduled for a karma transplant.
I've dedicated my life to linguini.
I've got a Friends of Rutabaga meeting.
it's my parakeet's bowling night.
it's too close to the turn or the century.
my bathroom tiles need grouting.
my crayons all melted together.
my favorite commercial is on TV.
my mother would never let me hear the end of it.
my palm reader advised against it.
my patent is pending.
my plot to take over the world is thickening.
my subconscious says no way.
my uncle escaped again.
my ex-wife would never let me hear the end of it.
my yucca plant is feeling yucky.
none of my socks match.
the last time I went, I never came back.
the man on television told me to stay tuned.
the President said he might drop in.
there are world issues that need worrying about.
there's a disturbance in the Force.
you know how we psychos behave in igloos.
I am overdrawn at the blood bank.
I never say yes.
 
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Date:    Sat, 19 Dec 1998 19:12:41 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: More PUNY Riddles
 
80. Why are handcuffs like cheap souvenirs?
 
81. What do you call an itinerant violinist on horseback?
 
82. What is a whiff of communist perfume worth?
 
83. What clichi explains what a city dweller from Alaska finds when
    he travels to a mystical realm, but can only find a place to
    live that is run by a gnarled, diminutive man?
 
84.  An ardent swain asks his dentist's hygienist out on...  what?
 
85. What science fiction novel is about determining the effects of
    gravity by experimenting on a courageous wilde beest in a
    centrifuge.
 
 
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                          Answers
 
 
80. THEY'RE BOTH TWO WRIST TRAPS
    (by Stan Kegel)
 
81. FIDDLER ON THE HOOF
    (by Tiff Wimberly)
 
82. NOT A RED SCENT
    (by Gary Hallock)
 
83. GNOME AWAY FROM NOME
    (by David Bunch)
 
84. FLOURIDATE
    (by Cynthia MacGregor)
 
85. BRAVE GNU WHIRLED
    (by Stan Kegel)
 
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End of HUMOR Digest - 19 Dec 1998 to 20 Dec 1998
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