HUMOR Digest - 18 Dec 1998 to 19 Dec 1998
There are 10 messages totalling 560 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. College
  2. Ghandi (Pun)
  3. Holiday TV Shows That You May Have Missed...
     Part 2 <adult, off. to Santy>
  4. Mistletoe At The Airport
  5. Hans Olaffsen <off. to asians>
  6. # Russian House appeals to Lewinsky
  7. It's MUCH Harder (adult)
  8. "Graduate School(tm): The Game"
  9. Top5 - 12/18/98 - Porn Goddess Pet Peeves
 10. Criminal Justice Humor (offensive to criminals)
 
-------------------------------------------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 18 Dec 1998 03:33:53 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: College
 
* The law professor was addressing his students: "In a courtroom
  it takes twelve men to determine that a woman is innocent.  On
  a country lane, it only takes one."
                           - - - - -
 
* During a lecture on impromptu speaking the professor told his
  students, "The man who rises to the occasion should also know
  when to sit down."
                           - - - - -
 
* The wife was crying as her daughter went off to college. Her
  husband consoled her, "Don't think of it as losing a daughter.
  Think of it as gaining both a telephone and a bathroom."
                           - - - - -
 
*   Arriving at his residence the professor told his housekeeper,
  "Sarah, I've invited three of my students to dinner tonite at
  6:30, but I think I'll give them a half-hour's grace."
    "Professor, I'm as religious as the next person." Sarah said
  shaking her head, "But I think you're over-doing it."
                           - - - - -
 
*   As he addressed his new students, the professor said: "...And
  this class shall start at the stroke of 9:00."
    From the back of the Lecture Hall came: "The first stroke, or
  the last stroke, Sir ?"
                           - - - - -
 
*   "Boss," said the foreman, "the men are leery of that college
  kid you hired to help out during the summer."
    "Listen Fred..." replied the boss, "in another year that guy
  will be making more as an accountant than either of us."
    "Maybe." replied the foreman. "But he's spooking all the men.
  Yesterday he stubbed his toe on a pallet of bricks and said,
  'Oh !!! Curse the intransigency of inanimate objects'."
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Indexed UGA Humor Digests 1997-1998:
     (text)  www2.crosswinds.net/baltimore/~jimjr
      (zip)  www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 18 Dec 1998 01:28:27 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Ghandi (Pun)
 
Mahatma Ghandi walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his
feet became quite thick and hard.  He also was quite a spiritual
person.  Even when he on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and
became quite thin and frail.
 
Furthermore, due to his diet of raw grains, he ended up with very
bad breath.
 
Therefore: he came to be known as a: "Super calloused fragile
mystic plagued with halitosis."
 
          -From: Loriena <airyflame@getthe.net>
            Via: Lee Daniel Quinn <words@iop.com>)
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 18 Dec 1998 07:46:25 -0500
From:    Paul Benoit <pbenoit@SPEEDLINETECH.COM>
Subject: Holiday TV Shows That You May Have Missed...
         Part 2 <adult, off. to Santy>
 
THE ELFINATOR...
 
Little Arnie Elf notices how worried Santa is over the growing
number of boys and girls making it on his "Naughty" list, so he
decides that it's time to take a pro-active stance on the
situation.
 
Armed with only his wits, several semi-automatic weapons and
a book of Ancient Asian Torture Methods, Arnie sets out to make
the world a much better place, as he tries to spread the real
meaning of Christmas to the children of the world.
 
      WARNING: Graphic Violence and Foul Language.
                 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 
               I SAW MOMMY KISSING SANTA CLAUS...
 
The story of a suburban housewife who is having affairs with
every service delivery person who shows up on her doorstep.
Unbeknownst to her husband, her three children, or anyone else,
one of her three is the love child of Santa Claus.
 
Pudgy little Nicky can't figure out why he is the only child in
the household with a weight problem. While he puts up with the
schoolyard taunts of his classmates, he ingratiates himself to
these cruel young people by his seemingly natural knack for
fixing their broken toys.
 
As the holiday season rolls around, questions about Nicky
start to pop up. Why is his belly like a bowl full of jelly? Why
does he get these unnatural cravings for milk and cookies, and
lastly, why is he the only boy in the third grade to grow
his own white whiskers?
 
                           Swiggy
               (c) 1998 by FoxTree Consulting
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 18 Dec 1998 09:15:59 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Mistletoe At The Airport
 
It was slightly before Christmas. The trip went reasonably well,
and he was ready to go back. The airport on the other end had
turned a tacky red and green, and loudspeakers blared annoying
elevator renditions of cherished Christmas carols.
 
Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly
tired, he was not in a particularly good mood.
 
Going to check in his luggage (which, for some reason, had become
one suitcase with entirely new clothes), he saw hanging mistletoe.
Not real mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some
of the rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter and
pointier parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very
Picasso sort of way.
 
With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent
it, he said to the attendant, "Even if I were not married, I would
not want to kiss you under such a ghastly mockery of mistletoe."
 
"Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is."
 
(pause)
 
"Ok, I see that it's above the luggage scale, which is the place
you'd have to step forward for a kiss."
 
"That's not why it's there."
 
(pause)
 
"Ok, I give up. Why is it there?"
 
"It's there so you can kiss your luggage goodbye."
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 18 Dec 1998 09:14:29 -0800
From:    "Fong, Dara" <dara_fong@USCS.COM>
Subject: Hans Olaffsen <off. to asians>
 
Walking through Chinatown, a tourist is fascinated with all the
Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners. He turns a corner
and sees a building with the sign, "Hans Olaffsen's Laundry."
 
"Hans Olaffsen?", he muses. "How the heck does that fit in here?"
So he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman behind
the counter.
 
The tourist asks, "How did this place get a name like "Hans
Olaffsen's Laundry?"
 
The old man answers, "Is name of owner."
 
The tourist asks, "Well, who and where is the owner?"
 
"Me, is right here," replies the old man.
 
"You? How did you ever get a name like Hans Olaffsen?"
 
"Is simple," says the old man. "Many, many year ago when come to
this country, was stand in line at Documentation Center. Man in
front was big blonde Swede. Lady look at him and go, "What your
name?" He say, "Hans Olaffsen." Then she look at me and go, 'What
your name?'"
 
"I say, Sem Ting."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 18 Dec 1998 15:21:29 -0500
From:    Aditya, the Hindu Skeptic
         <a018967t@BC.SEFLIN.ORG>
Subject: # Russian House appeals to Lewinsky
 
Russian legislators agreed on Thursday to consider a motion
appealing to Monica Lewinsky to help halt the American attack on
Iraq.
 
``The state Duma appeals to Ms Lewinsky to undertake corresponding
measures to restrain the emotions of Bill Clinton,'' said the
motion by nationalist lawmaker Alexander Filatov.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 18 Dec 1998 19:20:41 -0600
From:    RANEBOUX <wett@GS.VERIO.NET>
Subject: It's MUCH Harder (adult)
 
Two daughters had been given parts in a Christmas pageant at their
Church.  At dinner that night, they got into an argument as to who
had the most important role.
 
Finally the 14 year old said to her 8 year old younger sister,
"Well, you just ask Mom. She'll tell you it's much harder to
be a virgin than it is to be an angel."
 
 
http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/Delta/9989/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 18 Dec 1998 22:45:39 EST
From:    Jennifer Selke <JennSelke@AOL.COM>
Subject: "Graduate School(tm): The Game"
 
Hey kids! Check out the cool new game that's sweeping the nation
even faster than those goddamn Furbys!
 
Be the first on your block to own "Graduate School(tm): The Game"
from TenureCo, the makers of such classics as "Rush Hour Madness,"
"My First Blue Book Exam," "Little Lawyer," & "Johnny Tax Auditor."
 
With "Graduate School(tm): The Game" you can experience all the fun
and realism of grad school in the comfort of your own home.  Every
nuance of the real grad-student experience is reproduced in this
game.
 
The game takes you through the whole process:
     - Application
     - Acceptance
     - Classwork
     - Research
     - Data Analysis
     - Psychoanalysis
     - Boring lectures
     - Confusing lectures
     - Incomprehensible lectures
     - Depression
     - Social Isolation
     - Job Hunting
     - And so much more!
 
Invite your friends over for years of wholesome fun. Check out
these great features of "Graduate School(tm): The Game:"

* Choose Your Own Character
 
Assume the personality of one of these typical grad-school
denizens:
     - Fred: the naive first-year
     - Harold: the overwhelmed and under-funded RA
     - Laura: the disgruntled TA
     - Jacques: the exploited international student
     - Backstabbing Caroline: the political opportunist
     - And many, many more...
 
* Confront a Wide Array of Interesting Opponents
 
Throughout your quest you will encounter educational icons who
receive great joy at your misfortune... in fact they are a major
cause of this misfortune:
 
- Administress: The evil secretary with her dreaded red tape.
- Professor Rewrite: If he gets on your committee, you're doomed!
- Ronny: The smelly undergrad RA who scares all your subjects away.
- Partytime Pamela: Invites you to time-wasting parties every other
                    night.
- Professor Touchy-Feely: A sexual harassment case waiting to
                          happen.
- Rod Starr: Ridiculously motivated grad student makes you look bad
             by completing his advanced degree in 12 days.
- Susan Stickyfingers: Your kleptomaniac office-mate.
- Along with dozens of others!
 
* Real Life Challenges
 
Pick a Setback Card and see what fun adventures await you:
     - Join a Committee (pace of research slows by 50 percent)
     - Videogame Attack (lose 12 turns playing Doom II)
     - One More Analysis (repeat all previous analyses)
     - Dissertation Scooped! (go back to "new candidate" status)
     - Get Drunk at a Conference (spin the Faculty Insult Wheel for
       your penalty)
     - Advisor Retires/Moves/Changes Interest (start over)
     - Car Towed (sell your stereo to get it out of hock, lose
       motivation)
 
* Different Ways to Finish!
 
Most games are boring, with one winner and a bunch of losers. Not
so with "Graduate School(tm): The Game"! There *are* no winners in
grad school, only survivors and failures. Your goal is to be a
survivor, which means different things to different people.
"Graduate School(tm): The Game: offers a wide range of ways to
survive:
 
     - Go To Law School (successfully escape)
     - Marry Rich (don't worry anymore)
     - Find God (science is for fools)
     - Family (change your priorities)
     - Capitalize on one of your ideas and make millions
       (ah, engineering)
     - Graduate (???)
 
"Graduate School(tm): The Game" -- Look for it in today at a store
near you!
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 18 Dec 1998 23:44:19 -0500
From:    John Vogel <jvogel@DGS.DGSYS.COM>
Subject: Top5 - 12/18/98 - Porn Goddess Pet Peeves
 
               The Top 15 Porn Goddess Pet Peeves
                       December 18, 1998
 
15> Recent flood of scripts with scenes involving cigars.
 
14> Your SAG card isn't as impressive as it could be because
    it bears the name "BUSTY CHIXX."
 
13> Video sales dropped 20% after Starr Report posted on the Web.
 
12> Wow!  I can't believe that a gorgeous adult video queen is
    *actually* reading one of my submissions!!  I'm sorry --
    what was the question?
 
11> Inconsiderate jerk co-stars who grab the refried bean lunch
    special at the studio commissary.
 
10> Auto mechanic always over-stressing the words pump, hose,
    fill and lube when he works on your car.
 
 9> Can't enjoy a simple hot dog without thinking about work.
 
 8> Friggin' plumber always seems to break more than he fixes,
    conveniently guaranteeing himself weekly visits to the house.
 
 7> Chauffeurs who keep asking if you want your top down.
 
 6> Mail keeps getting misdelivered ever since you named
    yourself after a continent.
 
 5> Directors who think that putting a girl on her knees on a
    rock-hard pool table under burning hot set lights for 5
    hours straight with the ugliest partner known to man
 
 4> Those embarrassing "Bring Your Daughter To Work Day" moments.
 
 3> Trying to remove that piece of glued-on, strategically
    placed black paper after the magazine photo shoot.
 
 2> All that pesky dialogue -- was my line "yes, yes, oh baby!",
    or "oh baby, yes, yes!"?
 
    and Top5's Number 1 Porn Goddess Pet Peeve...
 
 1> IRS auditors who keep demanding tangible evidence for
    "proof of employment."
 
 
[           This list copyright 1998 by Chris White            ]
[  The Top 5 List   top5@gmbweb.com    http://www.topfive.com  ]
[      To forward or repost, please include this section.      ]
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 18 Dec 1998 22:06:38 -0800
From:    Sue Birkenseer <Sue@CIRCUSPREPRESS.COM>
Subject: Criminal Justice Humor (offensive to criminals)
 
It seems a man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked
into the branch and wrote, "This iz a stikkup.  Put all your muny
in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to
the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the
note and might call the police before he reached the teller window.
 
So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells
Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to
the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his
spelling errors that he was not the brightest light in the harbor,
told him that she could not accept this stick up note because it
was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would
either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to
Bank of America.
 
Looking somewhat defeated, the man said "OK" and left. The Wells
Fargo teller then called the police who arrested the man a few
minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.
                    ******************
 
45 year old Amy Brasher was arrested in San Antonio, Texas after a
mechanic reported to police that 18 packages of marijuana were
packed in the engine compartment of the car which she had brought
to the mechanic for an oil change. According to police, Brasher
later said that she didn't realize that the mechanic would have to
raise the hood to change the oil.
                    ******************
 
Drug possession defendant Christopher Jansen, on trial in March in
Pontiac, Michigan, said he had been searched without a warrant. The
prosecutor said the officer didn't need a warrant because a "bulge"
in Christopher's jacket could have been a gun. Nonsense, said
Christopher, who happened to be wearing the same jacket that day
in court.  He handed it over so the judge could see it. The judge
discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocket and laughed so hard he
required a five-minute recess to compose himself.
                    ******************
 
Clever drug traffickers used a propane tanker truck entering El
Paso from Mexico. They rigged it so propane gas would be released
from all of its valves while the truck concealed 6,240 pounds of
marijuana. They were clever, but not bright. They misspelled the
name of the gas company on the side of the truck.
                    ******************
 
The Special Mike Tyson Award:
 
Oklahoma City:  Dennis Newton was on trial for the armed robbery of
a convenience store in a district court this week when he fired his
lawyer. Assistant district attorney Larry Jones said Newton, 47,
was doing a fair job of defending himself until the store manager
testified that Newton was the robber.

Newton jumped up, accused the woman of lying and then said, "I
should of blown your [expletive] head off." The defendant paused,
then quickly added, "-if I'd been the one that was there."  The
jury took 20 minutes to convict Newton and recommended a 30 year
sentence.
                    ******************
 
R.C. Gaitlin, 21, walked up to two patrol officers who were showing
their squad car computer equipment to children in a Detroit
neighborhood. When he asked how the system worked, the officer's
asked him for a piece of identification. Gaitlin gave them his
driver's license, they entered it into the computer, and moments
later they arrested Gaitlin because information on the screen
showed Gaitlin was wanted for a two year old armed robbery in St.
Louis, Missouri.
                    ******************
 
MEGA MORON AWARDS
 
Ann Arbor: The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man
walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 12:50 am,
flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because
he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order.
When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't
available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.
                    ******************
 
Kentucky: Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by
running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup
truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though,
they pulled the bumper off their truck.  Scared, they left the
scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine.
With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle's
license plate still attached to the bumper.
                    ******************
 
Kentwood Michigan: A fellow filled out an application to attend
the Kentwood Citizens Police Academy, which educates citizens about
police procedures, the criminal justice system, how to avoid being
a victim of crime, etc. etc. In a routine background check, this
fellow was found to be wanted on an outstanding warrant. Rather
than attend the Academy, he went to jail.
                    ******************
 
And the funniest one of all times...
 
Florida: A thief burst into the bank one day wearing a ski mask
and carrying a gun. Aiming his gun at the guard, the thief yelled,
"FREEZE, MOTHER-STICKERS, THIS IS A F***UP!" For a moment, everyone
was silent. Then the snickers started. The guard completely lost it
and doubled over laughing. It probably saved his life, because he'd
been about to draw his gun. He couldn't have drawn and fired before
the thief got him.
 
The thief ran away and is still at large. In memory of the event,
the bank later put a plaque on the wall engraved "Freeze,
mother-stickers, this is a f***up!"
 
          -From KJ Voyer, an LA County Sheriff
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 18 Dec 1998 to 19 Dec 1998
************************************************
 
