HUMOR Digest - 17 Dec 1998 to 18 Dec 1998
There are 11 messages totalling 403 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Dating
  2. After-play <adult>
  3. Holiday TV Shows That You May Have Missed...
     Part 1 <adult, off. to Santy>
  4. A CAT'S CHRISTMAS
  5. Santa's Lap
  6. Feb. 30 rumor dispelled
  7. Pure Mathematics?
  8. Barney Christmas
  9. <HUMOUR> Xmas greetings
 10. Federal Employee Evaluation Quotes
     (May offend Federal Employees)
 11. Ghandi pun
 
-------------------------------------------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 17 Dec 1998 04:05:41 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Dating
 
* She was the kind of a girl he would have loved to bring home to
  his Mother, but he couldn't trust his Father.
                           - - - - -
 
* A man spends just about all his life striving to "keep the wolf
  away from the door".  Then his daughter becomes a teenager and
  starts bringing them right into the house.
                           - - - - -
 
*   After his first date with a new girl, a young fellow at work
  asked me if young girls wore girdles. I told him I doubted it.
    He said, "Then how do you explain the fact that Margaret was
  three inches taller after dinner ?"
                           - - - - -
 
*   The teenaged girl discovered she was pregnant.  She moaned to
  a friend, "I knew we should have just gone to the movies."
    The friend asked, "Well... why didn't you Jody ?"
    "We couldn't." she replied.  "The only good ones playing were
  all x-rated, and wouldn't allow us in."
                           - - - - -
 
*   A recently divorced man entered the dating scene again after
  many years of marriage.  He invited a woman about his same age
  to a local singles dance.
    During their third trip around the floor, she smiled and said,
  "Waltz a little faster Henry, this is a Fox Trot."
                           - - - - -
 
*   Over drinks one afternoon a buddy of mine and I were discussing
  former "loves".  I told him that I once broke-up with a girl long
  ago because she had a seemingly incurable speech impediment.
    George said, "Jimmy, I'm shocked. I never knew you to be one to
  be prejudiced against handicaps. What was the girl's problem ?"
    Taking a sip, I paused and reflected. "She couldn't say 'yes'."
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Indexed UGA Humor Digests 1997-1998:
     (text)  www2.crosswinds.net/baltimore/~jimjr
      (zip)  www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
Message Board:
     www.InsideTheWeb.com/mbs.cgi/mb212137
 
To subscribe:
     Send an e-mail to: listserv@listserv.uga.edu
     leave the subject area blank; in the BODY of the
     letter, type: SUB HUMOR yourfirstname yourlastname
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 17 Dec 1998 15:26:05 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMCLTD.COM>
Subject: After-play <adult>
 
An Australian, a Frenchman and an Italian are talking about married
life:
 
Italian: When I finish making love to my wife, I  cover her head to
toe in wine, then lick it off, and my wife, she  goes wild.
 
Frenchman: When I finish making love to my wife, I  cover her head
to toe in chocolate, then lick it off, and my wife,  she goes wild.
 
Aussie: When I finish making love to my wife, I get out of bed and
wipe my dick on the curtains, and my wife, she  goes wild.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 17 Dec 1998 07:51:47 -0500
From:    Paul Benoit <pbenoit@SPEEDLINETECH.COM>
Subject: Holiday TV Shows That You May Have Missed...
         Part 1 <adult, off. to Santy>
 
SANTA CLAUSTROPHOBIA
The story of a set of twins, Billy and Betty, and their sudden
psychological stresses during the holiday season.
                             ~~~~~~~~~~~
 
  MOM: Okay kids, time for your baths!
BETTY: NO MOMMY! He'll see me NAKED!!!
  MOM: Well, Betty, your brother can take his bath after you.
BETTY: I don't care if HE sees me naked. He's only my brother.
       I'm talking about Santa Claus. He sees EVERYTHING!!!!
                             ~~~~~~~~~~~
 
  DOC: So, Billy, why are you so upset about the holidays?
BILLY: Gee, doc, it's this Santa guy that's got me worried.
  DOC: Are you afraid he's looking at you when you're naked,
       like your sister is?
BILLY: Well, that is something to be looked into. I mean, what if
       he IS a pervert. I'm worried about something even worse!
  DOC: What would that be.
BILLY: What's bothering me is that he just seems SO judgemental.
       It's worse if he's watching me in the tub. How do I know
       how I measure up with all the other little boys?
                             ~~~~~~~~~~~
 
  DOC: Okay, Betty, go ahead and sit on Santa's lap. If you feel
       that anything wrong, just speak up.
BETTY: Okay, Doc. (sits on Santa's lap. Looks at St. Nick,
       and eyes get very large) Is that a candy cane in your pocket,
       or are you just happy to see me?
                             ~~~~~~~~~~~
 
DAD: The kids were fine until last Christmas, Doc.
DOC: What happened then?
DAD: Well, I think they became a little upset with what Santa got
     them last year.
DOC: What did he bring?
DAD: Billy got a year's subscription to PLAYELF. He wasn't worried
     at first. He thought it was about games and toys elves made.
     It wasn't until he got to the centerfold that he realized some
     of the games weren't made by Hasbro.
DOC: I see. And what did he bring Betty?
DAD: The Junior Miss Dominatrix Set. A week's worth of leather
     outfits and accessories for the adolescent adventurer.
 
               Swiggy
               (c) 1998 by FoxTree Consulting
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 17 Dec 1998 08:46:52 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: A CAT'S CHRISTMAS
 
'Twas the night before Christmas
and all through the house
Not a creature was stirring,
not even a mouse.
 
'Cuz the cat had pounced on him
and tore him apart-
Ate his mousey intestines
And chewed up his heart.
 
Kitty thought he heard sleighbells,
which made him take pause-
He stopped daintily licking
the blood from his claws.
 
"Must be Santa" thought Kitty
(that quite clever cat)
'Cuz nobody else climbs down
the chimney like that.
 
Indeed it was ol' Santa,
so jolly and fat
With a load of presents
and all for the cat!
 
"Wow, the best Christmas ever!"
Kitty thought with a purr,
Then he coughed up a hairball
and shed some more fur.
 
               -Thanks to IrisMist
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 17 Dec 1998 08:28:41 -0500
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@LATTE.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Santa's Lap
 
As a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual,
"And what would you like for Christmas ?"
 
The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute,
then gasped: "Didn't you get my E-mail?"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 17 Dec 1998 08:56:08 -0800
From:    Varnadore Clynch <Clynch_Varnadore@SELINC.COM>
Subject: Feb. 30 rumor dispelled
 
February 2000 will have 30 days. Actually, the truth is this:
Due to the fact that we don't gain a full 1/4 day every year, 
every 4th year is a leap year, unless the year is divisible by 100
in which case it is not a leap year. However, if the year is
divisible by 400, it is a leap year again. Thus, the truth is that
1900 and 2100 aren't leap years, but 2000 is because it's divisible
by 400 and that takes precedence over being divisible by 100.
 
Leap minutes and seconds are corrected for on an ongoing basis (I
believe we just corrected for a leap second last month or the month
before). February will have 29 days in 2000, just like any normal
leap year.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 17 Dec 1998 13:02:32 EST
From:    Neil Rigby <NRigbyking@AOL.COM>
Subject: Pure Mathematics?
 
Mathematics is clean! Mathematics has no sordid, underhand or
unpleasent associations as have other subjects. For example History
is sometimes concerned with the way men manipulate each other.
Economics with the way they overreach and swindle each other.
Literature involves accounts of some of the less attractive
features of human relationships and behaviour. Geography cannot
avoid such calamities as earthquakes, avalanches and tornadoes.
Chemistry is concerned not only with foul smells, but explosions,
with poisons! As for Biology, it is nothing if not about bugs!
 
But Mathematics is innocent! Occasionally we have a mild flutter by
tossing coins or dice - but that is Applied Mathematics anyway!
Pure Mathematics is completely unsullied; what can be more innocent
than a prime number, or a cycloid, or even a hypocycloid! But it is
only fair to point out that I was once given a formula f(x,y) = 0
which when plotted turned out to be an outline of Marilyn Monroe.
 
          -Frank Budden
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 17 Dec 1998 18:06:11 -0600
From:    RANEBOUX <wett@GS.VERIO.NET>
Subject: Barney Christmas
 
   (To be sung to the tune of "Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer"
 
 
Barney got run over by a tractor
Best of all it happened on TV
All the little children are unhappy
I am just beside myself with glee
 
He was singing to the kiddies
"You Wuv Me and I Wuv You"
Now he is just a piece of roadkill
Some furry purple bits of dino-goo.
 
Chorus
 
I don't think the children like me
But though I killed him, it's not wrong
We're saved from evil propaganda
That purple, nazi mind-controller's gone
 
Chorus
 
My trial date is set for Tuesday
I won't get off (so I've been told)
10 million kiddies saw me do it
And the judge and jury all are six years old......
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 18 Dec 1998 09:25:35 +0800
From:    Mike Robertshaw <mrobert@OUHK.EDU.HK>
Subject: <HUMOUR> Xmas greetings
  
Best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially
responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral winter
solstice holiday, practiced within the most joyous traditions of
the religious persuasion of your choice, yet with respect for the
religious persuasions of others or their choice not to practice
religion at all;
 
and
 
a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically
uncomplicated recognition of the generally accepted calendar year,
1999, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of
other cultures whose contributions to our society have helped make
America great, without regard to the race, creed, color, religious
or sexual preference of the wishes.
 
(This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal, it
 implies no promise by the wishor to actually attempt to implement
 any of the wishes for her/himself or others.)
 
          -Forwarded by Roger Eggleton
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 17 Dec 1998 20:42:46 EST
From:    Paul Robinson <Rfc1394a@AOL.COM>
Subject: Federal Employee Evaluation Quotes
         (May offend Federal Employees)
 
These notable quotes were reportedly taken from actual Federal
Employee Performance Evaluations:
 
 1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom
     and has started to dig."
 2. "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid
     curiosity."
 3. "I would not allow this employee to breed."
 4. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of
     a definite won't-be."
 5. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a
     rat in a trap."
 6. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change
     feet."
 7. "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
 8. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
 9. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to
     achieve them."
10. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
11. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the
     better."
12. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it."
13. "A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than the ordinary
     ignoramus."
14. "He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless."
15. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he is a carrier."
16. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."
17. "He's been working with glue too much."
18. "He would argue with a signpost."
19. "He has a knack for making stranger immediately."
20. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."
21. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."
22. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the
     other one."
23. "A photographic memory, but with the lens cover glued on."
24. "A prime candidate for natural deselection."
25. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."
26. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't
     coming."
27. "He has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking
     for it."
28. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a
     week."
29. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."
30. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."
31. "It's hard to believe that he beat out a million other sperm."
32. "One neuron short of a synapse."
33. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled."
34. "Takes him 11 hours to watch 60 minutes."
35. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 17 Dec 1998 21:53:39 -0500
From:    Gwen Eckman <geckman@POLARIS.UMUC.EDU>
Subject: Ghandi pun
 
Mahatma Ghandi walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his
feet became quite thick and hard.  He also was quite a spiritual
person.  Even when he was not on a hunger strike, he did not eat
much and became quite thin and frail.  Furthermore, due to his
diet, he ended up with very bad breath.
 
Therefore: he came to be known as a "Super calloused fragile mystic
plagued with halitosis."
 
------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 17 Dec 1998 to 18 Dec 1998
************************************************
 
