HUMOR Digest - 16 Dec 1998 to 17 Dec 1998
There are 9 messages totalling 399 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. February 2000 <clean>
  2. Christmas Shopping
  3. Christmas Carols from the Kids
  4. Rent (adult)
  5. Staff Meeting
  6. Congress' Night Before Christmas
  7. Religion
  8. Rudolph The Red Nosed WINO
  9. Jim Mullen - Dec 18, 1998
 
-------------------------------------------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 16 Dec 1998 13:26:02 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMCLTD.COM>
Subject: February 2000 <clean>
 
[NOT Nostradamus, this]
 
February 2000 will have 30 days.
 
There are some number of seconds that are accumulated every day
which Make up to become an extra day once in every four years and
that is why we have the leap year. In the same manner there are
some number of seconds which are accumulated from the leap years
which form to become an extra day once in every 400 years and that
is why in the year 2000 there will be 30th feb 2000.
 
So the child born on that day will never be able to celebrate
his/her Birthday until 30th feb 2400
 
The computer industry are talking about y2k problem and now with
the 30th Feb problem all the electronic products with calendars
will be dumb.It's a new threat to the entire world. What will we
call the year when Feb has 30 days?
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 16 Dec 1998 03:35:26 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Christmas Shopping
 
* Don't be surprised if your Yuppie friends give you your Christmas
  presents in plain boxes.  They're too wrapped-up in themselves
  to bother with bedecking gifts.
                           - - - - -
 
* Overheard at a computer store: "I want a game capable of holding
  the interest of an six-year-old, but it's got to be simple enuff
  for his Father to play too."
                           - - - - -
 
* Mrs JimJr, an accomplished seamstress, is always pleased to
  find bargains in quality clothes.  She was showing me a dress
  she'd gotten for our oldest Granddaughter: "Look at this hon,
  $40 reduced to $12 -- I couldn't even buy it for that !"
                           - - - - -
 
*   At a Mall near me, Santa was sitting in a chair alongside his
  sleigh.  A little girl walked up and said, "Hello Santa."
    Santa looked at her, then at his watch, and replied, "I don't
  start until 10:00 kid.  Come back then."
                           - - - - -
 
*   I correspond with a lovely lady in California.  I was griping
  that I couldn't get into the "Christmas Spirit", nor accomplish
  my shopping because Maryland was having over a week of 70 (21+ c)
  degree days.  I added that I really hoped that things would cool,
  and we'd have a "White Christmas".
    She wrote back: "Jim, tell me.  Where does it say in the Bible
  that Jesus was born during a blizzard ?"
                           - - - - -
 
*   The harried Mother of three was having more than a little bit
  of trouble controlling her kids in the Disney Store and scolded
  them rather harshly.
    A young female clerk, dressed as an elf chided, "Ma'am -- it's
  Christmas !"
    The Mother, fire in her eyes, turned on the clerk and sneered,
  "Look TinkerBell, it's fine for you to be all perky here in your
  Fantasy Land, but I live in a world of grim reality."
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Indexed UGA Humor Digests 1997-1998:
     (text)  www2.crosswinds.net/baltimore/~jimjr
      (zip)  www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
Message Board:
     www.InsideTheWeb.com/mbs.cgi/mb212137
 
To subscribe:
     Send an e-mail to: listserv@listserv.uga.edu
     leave the subject area blank; in the BODY of the
     letter, type: SUB HUMOR yourfirstname yourlastname
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 16 Dec 1998 00:37:29 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Christmas Carols from the Kids
 
No one can fracture a Christmas carol better than a kid.
Sing along with these new takes on old favorites:
 
Deck the Halls with Buddy Holly
 
We three kings of porridge and tar
 
On the first day of Christmas my tulip gave to me
 
Later on we'll perspire, as we dream by the fire.
 
He's makin a list, chicken and rice.
 
Noel. Noel, Barney's the king of Israel.
 
With the jelly toast proclaim
 
Olive, the other reindeer.
 
Frosty the Snowman is a ferret elf, I say
 
Sleep in heavenly peas
 
In the meadow we can build a snowman,
Then pretend that he is sparse and brown
 
You'll go down in listerine
 
Oh, what fun it is to ride with one horse, soap and hay
 
O come, froggy faithful
 
You'll tell Carol, "Be a skunk, I require"
 
Good tidings we bring to you and your kid
 
 
          -Source: William H. Rayborn  (bills-punch-line)
          -  From: S4Him@aol.com
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 16 Dec 1998 07:08:09 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Rent (adult)
 
A proper man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night
with her for $500.  So they did.  Before he left, he told her that
he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his
secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment
"RENT FOR APARTMENT." On the way to the office, he regretted what
he had done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the
price.  So he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed
a note:
 
Dear Madam:
 
Enclosed find a check in the amount of $250 for rent of your
apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I
rented the apartment I was under the impression that:
 
    (1) it had neven been occupied;
    (2) that there was plenty of heat;
    (3) that it was small enough to make me cozy and at home...
 
Last night, however, I found that it had been previously occupied,
that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large.
 
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check
for $250 with the following note:
 
Dear Sir:
 
First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful
apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there
is plenty of it if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space,
the apartment is indeed of regular size but if you don't have
enough furniture to fill it, please don't blame the landlord.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 16 Dec 1998 08:54:32 -0500
From:    Paul Benoit <pbenoit@SPEEDLINETECH.COM>
Subject: Staff Meeting
 
A Russian General is answering questions in a
staff meeting with several of his junior officers:
 
Q: Will we have to fight in the World War III?
A: Yes, the possibility is high.
 
Q: And who will be our enemy?
A: The highest possibility is China.
 
Q: But we are about 150 million people, and they are
      about 1.5 billion. How can we win?
A: Well, in the modern war, not the quantity but the quality
      is the main issue. For example, in the Middle East
      5 million Jews fight against 50 million Arabs, and
      usually the Jews win.
 
Q: Sir, do we have enough Jews?
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 16 Dec 1998 10:16:59 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Congress' Night Before Christmas
 
"Twas the week before Christmas and those sly little elves,
Our congressmen, labored to better themselves.
They cared not a whit what the public might think
"Let them eat cake," some said with a wink.
 
And putting their thumbs to the tip of their nose,
they waved as they shouted "Anything goes!"
 
They scoffed at the thought that we might object,
to a tax cut for the wealthy of a posh percent.
They've got prerequisites-franking, per diem, and more --
bargain-priced haircuts and gyms (three or four!)
 
Paid speaking engagements and meals on the cuff,
celebrity status -- (they've sure got it tough!),
 
Yet they claim they're in touch with the man on the street,
as John Q. Public struggles to make both ends meet.
If all workers decided what they were due,
they'd be getting those fat paychecks too!
 
But while we take cutbacks or raises quite small,
and one out of 20 has no job at all,
our millionaire Congress decides on the budget
land trimming Medicare and Medicaid will do it, they say.
 
In this season for giving, our Congress is taking.
We've had it with them and our backs are breaking.
With hard times, disasters, and layoffs on our dockets,
we bit the bullet and they fill their pockets!
 
Oh jobless, oh homeless, oh desperate and needy -
dare anyone say our Congress is greedy?
 
If in this feeling I'm not alone,
take up your pen or pick up your phone.
As dry leaves before the wild hurricane fly,
let the road of your anger mount to the sky.
 
Indignant, outraged, appalled and beset
let your congressman know that you won't forget!
When election times comes -- and certain it will --
you're voting him out for passing that bill.
 
More rapid than eagles, their elections assured
they toasted each other and laughed at the herd.
And I heard them exclaim with adjournment at hand,
 
"Merry Christmas to us,
and the public be damned!
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 16 Dec 1998 08:34:35 -0800
From:    Joke List <1rodney@GEOCITIES.COM>
Subject: Religion
 
A Jewish father was troubled by the way his son turned out, and
went to see his Rabbi about it.
 
"I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive bar
mitzvah, cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he tells me last
week he has decided to be a Christian! Rabbi, where did I go
wrong?"
 
"Funny you should come to me," said the Rabbi. "Like you I, too,
brought my boy up in the faith, put him through University, cost me
a fortune, then one day he, too, tells me he has decided to become
a Christian."
 
"What did you do?" asked the father.
 
"I turned to God for the answer" replied the Rabbi.
 
"And what did he say?" pressed the father.
 
"God said, 'Funny you should come to me...' "
 
 
Rodney And Cathy's Joke List
Visit our web site at: http://www.rcjokelist.com
To subscribe send a message to: rcjokelist-on@mail-list.com
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 16 Dec 1998 15:48:49 -0600
From:    RANEBOUX <wett@GS.VERIO.NET>
Subject: Rudolph The Red Nosed WINO
 
(To The Tune Of Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer)
 
             Rudolph the red nosed wino,
             Had a very shiny nose,
             And if you got too close to him,
             He would take off his clothes.
             All of the other winos,
             Used to laugh and call him names,
             They never let poor Rudolph,
             Join in any wino games.
             Then one chilly Christmas Eve,
             Rudolph froze to death in an alley.
 
             End of story.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 16 Dec 1998 23:49:16 EST
From:    Paul Robinson <Rfc1394a@AOL.COM>
Subject: Jim Mullen - Dec 18, 1998
 
     Jim Mullen's Hot Sheet -
     What the country is talking about
     {Entertainment Weekly} December 19, 1998
 
 1. {The Prince of Egypt}.  There was an early marketing snag.
    Moses wanted to be called "The Prophet Formerly Known as the
    Prince of Egypt."\
 2. {Helen and Anne).  They're sick of living in the backstabbing,
    two faced, lying deceitful world of Hollywood.  So they're
    moving to Washington, DC.
 3. {Frank Sinatra}.  It turns out the FBI kept a 1300-page file on
    him. They were this close to finding out about his singing.
 4. {Fruitcake Jokes}.  They last years longer than Viagra and
    Monica Lewinsky Jokes.
 5. {Jack Frost}.  A father dies and comes back as a cuddly
    snowman.  The bad news is, his family moved to Miami.
 6. {Kelsey Grammer}. He's worried a home sex video he made will
    hurt his career. He should splice it into the middle of {Down
    Periscope}.  No one will ever see it.
 7. {Shopping}.  A study says going to the mall makes men's blood
    pressure rise. Did they administer the test in front of
    Victoria's Secret?
 8. {Patch Adams}.  Robin Williams plays a doctor who believes
    laughter is the best medicine.  So do most HMOs.
 9. {You've got Mail}.  Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan carry on a romance
    over the Internet. And we get to watch them type?
10. {Julie Andrews}.  {The Sound of Music} star vows her throat
    problems won't keep her from singing again.  It never stopped
    Bob Dylan.
11. {Stepmom}.  Julia Roberts can't seem to get along with her new
    future stepchildren.  What's her name, and Hey, You!
12. {Seasonal Affective Disorder}.  That's what they called the
    Depression some people get this time of year.  It used to be
    called, "Being Broke."
13. {A Civil Action}.  John Travolta plays a lawyer who spends his
    life savings to help one town.  Then he wakes up.
14. {Star Trek: Insurrection}.  The crew of the Starship Enterprise
    saves the entire known universe.  For the umpteemth time.  Now
    it's Miller Time.
15. {The Faculty}.  High school students suspect their teachers are
    from another planet.  No humans would work that hard for that
    kind of money.
 
 
Copyright 1998, Entertainment Weekly, Inc.
All Rights Reserved
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 16 Dec 1998 to 17 Dec 1998
************************************************
 
