HUMOR Digest - 15 Dec 1998 to 16 Dec 1998
There are 10 messages totalling 586 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Las Vegas
  2. Overtime <adult>
  3. Letter of Apology <adult>
  4. Law Suit Against Santa!
  5. You Know You Work in Community Theater if...
  6. Nostradamus Predicts Impeachment!!!!<long>
  7. Family History
  8. Dating Dictionary
  9. New Economics
 10. Coming of Age (mature)
 
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Date:    Tue, 15 Dec 1998 03:21:43 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Las Vegas
 
* There's lot of gambling locations all over the US, but I guess
  the GrandFather of them all is still Las Vegas in Nevada. Some
  of the casinos there require you to wear a tie, even after you
  lose your shirt.
                           - - - - -
 
* Las Vegas is a wild and crazy town though.  All kinds of gambling
  is everywhere.  I parked to go get some lunch, put a quarter in
  the parking meter and lost my car.
                           - - - - -
 
* Keep your eyes out for crooked dice games though.  In one shady
  out-of-the-way casino, I was watching one game for really big
  stakes.  I got a little suspicious when the dice started leaving
  skid marks on the table.
                           - - - - -
 
* Las Vegas is also famous for its tall, shapely chorus girls. Due
  to the heat once, one of the girls fainted.  It took six men to
  carry her out -- three abreast.
                           - - - - -
 
* Not sure if it was the tension or the alcohol, but I got some bad
  stomach cramps.  I went to a local doctor and after a brief exam
  he said, "I'll give ya five to one it's an ulcer."
                           - - - - -
 
* You hear stories of people winning big at the slots in Las Vegas.
  Let me assure you that the only way 98% of the people are gonna
  beat those damn machines is with a very large hammer.
                           - - - - -
 
* Even the busboys in Las Vegas were better dressed than I was. And
  if ya check around, you'll find out why too -- just last week,
  they were customers.
                           - - - - -
 
* Still, all-in-all I'll probably return to Las Vegas some day. I
  was lucky actually.  I understand half the population are former
  tourists who couldn't afford to leave.
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 15 Dec 1998 14:01:51 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMCLTD.COM>
Subject: Overtime <adult>
 
       Oh Husband, Dear Husband, I tremble with fear.
       You've been on overtime almost a year,
       And since you are gone, till way late at night
       A good piece of ass seems way out of sight..
 
       O Husband, Dear Husband, Please don't be a fool,
       Working this overtime is wasting your tool..
       For better it is, to be poor all your life,
       Than to bring a soft peter home to your wife..
 
       I used to be happy as your little queen,
       But now every night you're no where to be seen
       You come home from work just able to creep,
       I feel like screwing, but you want to sleep..
 
       Each evening, Dear Husband, you crawl into bed,
       Your intentions are good but your peter is dead.
       I play with your pecker all wrinkled and dry,
       I get so damn mad, I could lay down and cry..
 
       I have pleaded with you dear, with tears in my eyes,
       I've played with your balls, but your pecker wont rise,
       So I'll find me a man who works eight hours a day,
       And while you're on O.T., we'll proceed to make hay..
 
       For in this whole world, there is only one sin,
       For which there is no pardon, and never has been,
       And that is a man who's so foolish and mean,
       That he gives up his fucking to run a machine..
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 15 Dec 1998 07:59:30 -0500
From:    Paul Benoit <pbenoit@SPEEDLINETECH.COM>
Subject: Letter of Apology <adult>
 
         A Letter of Apology From The Chap
     Who Was Fired After The Christmas Party....
                    (Author Unknown)
 
When I came into the office this morning, I noticed a sort of
general feeling of unfriendliness, and since several of you
have called me a "dirty son of a bitch" to my face, I knew I
must have done something wrong at the office Christmas Party.
The Office Manager called me from the hospital today and as
this is my last day, I'd like to take this way of apologizing
to all of you.  I would prefer speaking to everyone personally,
but all of you seem to go deaf and dumb whenever I try to talk
to you.
 
First, to our dear and beloved boss, I am sorry for all the
things I called you Friday afternoon.  I'm very much aware
that your father is not a baboon, nor your mother a Chinese
whore. Your wife is a delightful woman, and my story of you
buying her for 50 cents in Tijuana was strictly a figment of
my imagination.  Your children are undoubtedly yours too.
About the water cooler incident, you'll never know how badly
I feel about it, and I hope you didn't hurt your head when they
were trying to get the glass jug off.
 
To Mary, I express my deepest regrets. In my own defense,
I must remind you that you seemed to enjoy our little escapade
on the stairway as much as I did until the bannister broke and
we fell eight feet to the second floor landing.  In spite of the
rupture you incurred when I landed on top of you, I am sure
you will admit that when we landed it was one of the biggest
thrills you have ever had.
 
Sam, you old cuss, you've just got to forgive me for that little
prank I played on you.  If I had known you were goosey, I'd
have never done it. It would have been a lot worse if that fat
lady hadn't been standing right under the window you jumped
through.  She really broke your fall a lot.  People have been
killed falling three stories.
 
Gene, I regret telling the fireman it was you who turned in the
false alarm.  But, of course, I had no way of knowing they would
make such a bad report of it.  Those fire hoses sure have a lot
of pressure don't they? And the water is cold!!
 
Don, I know how you must feel about me.  Opening the door to
the broom closet suddenly must have startled you and Millie
quite badly, and to think how hard you bumped your chin on
the shelf when you bent over to pull up your pants, it makes
me sick.  We'll have to get together for dinner some night
after the dentist finishes your plates.
 
Nancy, the only excuse I can offer for stealing all your clothes
and hiding them when I found you passed out in the ladies room,
is that I was drunk.  Also, I want you to know I was very
embarrassed when I couldn't remember where I hid them and you
had to go home in that old sofa cover.  Running your falsies up
the flag pole was a bit too much, but like I said, I was a little
drunk.
 
To all of you, I am sorry.  Setting Jan's panties on fire seemed
funny at the time, and it makes me sad to hear that her husband
is divorcing her because of it.
 
Urinating in everyone's drink was in bad taste, and not telling
them about it until all the drinks were gone was even worse.
 
Now that I have apologized to all of you and know that I am
forgiven, I will do my darndest to come to the picnic......
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 15 Dec 1998 08:45:51 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Law Suit Against Santa!
 
The American Civil Liberties Union announced today that it was
bringing a lawsuit against Santa Claus for violations of the civil
rights of children. An ACLU spokesman, Mr. E. Scrooge stated that,
"Mr. Claus has been violating children's right to privacy and has
been putting that information in a vast database. The information
is then used by the law enforcement arm of Mr. Claus' organization
to determine which children are considered naughty or nice. It is
obvious Mr. Claus has violated the children's rights, as we have
alleged in our suit, because of the memos and other company
information we have obtained. In addition, we believe Mr. Claus has
been engaging in mind control experiments designed to prevent the
free expression of beliefs."
 
Among the documents presented to the courts today was a memo in
which reads, in part:
 
     You better watch out.
     You better not cry.
     You better not pout.
     I'm telling you why.
     Santa Claus is coming to town.
 
     He sees you when you are sleeping
     He knows when you're awake,
     He knows when you've been bad or good
     So be good for goodness' sake.
 
Mr. Scrooge claimed the document, which was obtained from a worker
in the distribution department of Mr. Claus' organization, "...
clearly shows a concerted attempt to restrict the rights of
children to free expression and free thought. In addition, there
are concerns about the security of the information. What would be
the result of such a database being made available to other law
enforcement agencies around the world?"
 
Lawyers at the Justice Department also confirmed today that they
were investigating the possibility that Mr. Claus was at the core
of a vast conspiracy against children. Anonymous sources from
inside Justice stated, "We believe a large number of parent,
ministers and teachers are involved in this business and we expect
several of them will testify for the State in return for a lighter
sentence." In addition, the same sources indicated a parallel
investigation by the Department and the FBI on possible charges of
smuggling on the part of Mr. Claus, "our records do not show Mr.
Claus, or any one else paying any import duties or taxes on any
items he has delivered. Since Mr. Claus has representatives in all
of the States of the Union we believe he should have to pay state
and local taxes on all of the goods he delivers."
 
Lawyers for Mr. Claus stated, "The charges of the ACLU are absurd.
Mr. Claus is a well known and highly respected figure. His
supporters are from around the world and his message of love and
respect can, in no way, be taken as a form of "mind control" or a
violation of the civil rights of children."
 
The lawsuit is complicated by the fact that Mr. Claus is not a
resident of the United States or any country which the United
States currently has an extradition treaty. It is unknown where Mr.
Claus is at the moment, but it is believed he is hiding out at his
north pole estate.
 
In a brief statement, read by his lawyer, Mr. Claus said, "I find
the charges of the ACLU absurd and am confident they will be
rejected by the courts. As for any criminal charges, I believe the
Justice Department will discover they have no basis."
 
Experts are uncertain what possible effect the suit or possible
pending charges might have on Mr. Claus' Christmas travels this
year.
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 15 Dec 1998 10:17:53 -0500
From:    Jim Mica <jmica@ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: You Know You Work in Community Theater if...
 
> your living room sofa spends more time on stage than you do.
 
> you have your own secret family recipe for stage blood.
 
> you've ever appeared on stage wearing your own clothes.
 
> you can find a prop in the prop room that hasn't seen the light
  of day in ten years, but you don't know where your own vacuum
  cleaner is.
 
> you have a Frequent Shopper Card at The Salvation Army.
 
> you start buying your work clothes at Goodwill so you can buy
  your costumes at the mall.
 
> you've ever cleaned a tuxedo with a magic marker.
 
> you've ever appeared on stage in an outfit held together with
  hot glue.
 
> you name your son Samuel and tell him that his name is in honor
  of the French side of the family.
 
> you've ever appeared in a show where tech week is devoted to
  getting the running time under four and a half hours.
 
> you've ever appeared on stage in an English drawing room murder
  mystery where half the cast spoke with southern accents.
 
> your children have ever begged you not to buy them any more Happy
  Meals.
 
> you've ever appeared in a show where the cast outnumbered the
  audience.
 
> you've ever gotten a part because you were the only one who
  showed up for auditions.
 
> the audience recognizes you the minute you walk on stage because
  they saw you taking out the trash before the show.
 
> you've ever menaced anyone with a gun held together with
  electrical tape.
 
> you've ever had to haul a sofa off stage between scenes wearing a
  dinner gown and high heels.
 
> you've ever had to haul a sofa off stage between scenes wearing a
  dinner gown and high heels - and you're a guy.
 
> you've ever played the father of someone your father's age.
 
> your kids know your lines better than you do
 
> your kids DELIVER your lines better than you do.
 
> you get home from rehearsal and have to go back to the theater
  because you forgot your kids.
 
> you've ever appeared in a show where an actor leaned out through
  a window without opening it first.
 
> you've ever had to play a drunk scene opposite someone who was
  REALLY drunk.
 
> you've ever heard a director say, "Try not to bump into the
  furniture," and mean it.
 
> you've ever appeared on stage with people you're related to.
 
> you've ever heard the head of the set construction crew say,
  "Just paint it black - no one will ever see it."
 
> you've ever appeared in a show featuring a flushing toilet sound
  effect.
 
> the set designer has ever told you not to walk on the left half
  of the stage because the floor's still wet-five minutes before
  curtain.
 
> you've ever been told that the reason your director has no
  eyebrows is because he handled special effects for the last show.
 
> you've ever said, "Don't worry - we'll just hot glue it."
 
               -{Source Unknown}
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 15 Dec 1998 10:43:57 -0500
From:    Lee_Bradley <lbradley@VALDOSTA.EDU>
Subject: Nostradamus Predicts Impeachment!!!!<long>
 
[Permission to post granted by Larry Randall.]
[This posting is dedicated to MsJarHead, whose it probably is.]
 
An unusual "double quatrain found" in "Nostradamus" predicts the
President's impeachment.
 
(Quatrain 2621)
Vers le millenaire, etoile juridique croistra;
Obus polonais eclatera...
...  perte ...
Des missionnaires [...] apprendra.....
 
-------------TRANSLATION--------------------
Towards the millenium, a judicial star will arise;
The/A Polish bomb will burst...
... loss ...
From (or some) missionaries [...] (he/she/it) will learn ...
 
It is extremely unfortunate that this quatrain, which is one-half
of an unusual "pair" of quatrains, has so many missing words. The
ink of these words, in the one original copy housed in the
University of Strasbourg Library, was damaged during the Rhone
flood of 1573 (the very same one which also destroyed most of the
"Pont d'Avignon"), only 7 years after Nostradamus' death, but that
one copy of the _Prophecies_ is the only original which is
available to scholars today.
 
references explained:
estoile = star = Judge Ken Starr
obus = bomb = a reference to the bombshell that hit Washington
polonais = Polish = an eerie reference to the radio-active
         element Polonium (Po, 84) used in bombs, and to the Polish
         bombshell Monica Lewinsky.  Moreover, a simple prediction
         on this general subject contains 84 letters in French!
            Il sera evident que William Jefferson           31
            Clinton, president d'Amerique, va               27
            perdre pouvoir et demissioner                   26
                                                           (84)
         "It will be evident William Jefferson Clinton, the
         American president, will lose power and will resign."
         Also 84 letters in English!  HOW Nostradamus could have
         know about Polonium, its 84 electrons, its 84 protons, and
         the statements of 84 letters in two (!) langauges is
         unexplainable!
 
   perte = loss  (perhaps a reference to a loss that is looming)
   Des missionnaires = from the missionaries.  This is not at all a
                       reference to religious missionaries, but is
                       a clever play on words by Nostradamus.  It
                       sounds basically the same as the verb
                       "de'missionner", which means "to resign."
 
(Quatrain 2632)
Pendans joli voyage sera rondement instruite.
Ecartant l'aigle crochu de l'aigle bicephale,
Mettra obus insulaire qui detruira la cathedrale,
Brisant procelaine, rires, et favorite.
 
---------------TRANSLATION-----------------
During a lovely trip will [the star] be fully instructed.
Separating the bent eagle from the the two-headed eagle,
S/He will put an island's missle which will destroy the cathedral,
Breaking procelain, laughter, and the favorite.
 
A rare rhyme pattern is found in this quatrain:  abba   It was
known to Nostradamus as "rime embrasse'e" (or embraced rhyme) and
was probably used in this instance to emphasize the embraces
between the President and Monica.
 
References explained:
   joli voyage = pretty trip = Linda (=pretty, believeitornot)
                 Tripp
   [the star] = estoile (modern e'toile) from previous quatrain =
                Starr
   rondement = fully (round)= a reference to the round cassette
               tapes used by Tripp to inform Starr
   the bent eagle = the eagle is always the symbol of the US
                    and/or its president.  The bend is most likely
                    a reference to the unusual angle of his penis,
                    mentioned in so many depositions. It is also
                    worth noting that the eagle's beak is nearly
                    aways described in French as "crochu", meaning
                    hooked, crooked, or even rapacious. This sort
                    of uncanny play on words in English, referring
                    to the president's being hooked on sex, is
                    found NOWHERE ELSE in the Prophecies of
                    Nostradamus, which were composed in French(!)
   the two-headed eagle = the Eagle of Poland = a reference to
                          Monica Lewinsky, a person of Polish
                          ancestry, who gives head, but on more
                          than two occasions.  Scholars believe
                          that Nostradamus was more intent on
                          identifying the nationality of this
                          person than in enumerating the number of
                          sexual trysts that she was involved in.
   Mettra = he (or she?) will put.  From the structure of the
            quatrain, it is impossible to tell if the subject
            Nostradamus intended refers to Starr or to Monica.
   obus insulaire = an island's missle = the famous Cuban cigar
   detruira cathedrale = destroy the cathedral = the seat of
                         government
   rires = laughs = hilarity = Hilary.  Another victim of this
           ill-fated, star-crossed union.
   favorite = the favorite [mistress] = Monica
   Brisant porcelaine = breaking porcelain.  This extremely
                        obfuscated reference to the First Daughter,
                        Chelsea, is worthy of special attention,
                        and several papers have been proposed to
                        Renaissance conferences, using this one
                        line as authentic proof of Nostradamus's
                        mysticism.  Chelsea, actually a section of
                        London, became a highly renowned center for
                        the manufacture of porcelain in the 18th
                        century, about 200 years AFTER the death of
                        Nostradamus in 1566!!!!
 
The reference to Chelsea is even more important when one considers
the principle character in Robert Lewis Stevenson's novel, _The
Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde_, resided in this section
of London called Chelsea.  The parallel with the name of the
Chairman of the House Judiciary Committee, Mr. Hyde, cannot be
overlooked.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 15 Dec 1998 14:49:02 EST
From:    Sue Sevin <SueS7@AOL.COM>
Subject: Family History
 
Dear Abby,
 
I have always wanted to have my family history traced,
but I can't afford to spend a lot of money to do it.
Any suggestions?
               -Sam
 
 
Dear Sam,
 
Yes.
Run for public office.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 15 Dec 1998 19:54:30 GMT
From:    Catweasel <catweasel@CATWEASEL.ORG>
Subject: Dating Dictionary
 
DATING: The process of spending enormous amounts of money, time,
and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't
especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in
the future.
 
EASY: A term used to describe a woman who has the morals of a man.
 
EYE CONTACT: A method utilized by a single woman to communicate to
a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do
so, many women have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes,
not necessarily due to shyness, but usually due to the fact that a
woman's eyes are not located in her chest.
 
FRIEND: A member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has
some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.
 
INDIFFERENCE: A woman's feeling towards a man,usually interpreted
by the man as "playing hard to get."
 
IRRITATING HABIT: What the endearing little qualities that
initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few
months together.
 
NYMPHOMANIAC: A man's term for a woman who wants to do it more
often than he does.
 
SOBER: A condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in
love.
 
ATTRACTION: The act of associating horniness with a particular
person.
 
LOVE AT 1st SIGHT: What occurs when two extremely horny, but not
entirely choosy people meet.
 
LAW OF RELATIVITY: How attractive a given person appears to be is
directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is.
 
 
http://www.catweasel.org
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 15 Dec 1998 15:58:38 EST
From:    Neil Rigby <NRigbyking@AOL.COM>
Subject: New Economics
 
A graduate in economics who completed his degree in the 1950's
returned to his old university for a visit. He was amazed to see
that the examination questions were identical to the ones asked in
his day. When he pointed this out to a member of staff, the reply
was "That's true, but of course the answers are completely
different now."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 16 Dec 1998 01:01:22 -0500
From:    Steve and Cindy <atlas@EZNET.NET>
Subject: Coming of Age (mature)
 
Two friends, an Italian boy and a Jewish boy, come of age at the
same time. The Italian boy's father presents him with a brand-new
pistol.  On the other side of town, at his Bar Mitzvah, the Jewish
boy receives a beautiful gold watch.
 
The next day in school, the two boys are showing each other what
they got.  It turns out that each boy likes the other's present
better, and so they trade.
 
That night, when the Italian boy is at home, his father sees him
looking at the watch.
 
"Where did you getta thatta watch?" asks the man.
 
The boy explains that he and Sammy had traded.  The father blows
his top.
 
"Whatta you?  Stupidda boy?  Whatsa matta you?  Somma day, you
maybe gonna getta married.  Then maybe somma day you gonna comma
home and finda you wife inna bed with another man.  Whatta you
gonna do then?  Looka atta you watch and ask, "How longa you gonna
be?"
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 15 Dec 1998 to 16 Dec 1998
************************************************
 
