HUMOR Digest - 14 Dec 1998 to 15 Dec 1998
There are 8 messages totalling 414 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Happy Hanukkah
  2. Length <suggestive>
  3. Santa's Pickup Lines
  4. Twas the nite.... :-)
  5. L'Chaim
  6. Everything Zen? I don't think so
  7. Trivia
  8. The Rally (Pun)
 
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Date:    Mon, 14 Dec 1998 04:24:58 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Happy Hanukkah
 
* Hanukkah (aka "Chanukah" or "Hannuka") began at sundown 12/13.
  It's an eight-day festival celebrated by those of the Jewish
  faith; it is also known as the "Feast of Lights".  I kinda
  lost interest in the celebration though when I found out it
  had nothing at all to do with a Lite Beer tasting shindig.
                           - - - - -
 
* Hanukkah celebrates the Jewish victory over the Syrian tyrant
  Antiochus.  Contrary to rumors which have been circulating for
  years, "Antiochus" is NOT pronounced "Anti-Claus".
                           - - - - -
 
*   The little boy approached the Rabbi and said that he wanted
  to become Jewish.  The Rabbi explained that this was indeed a
  big step to be thought over very carefully.
    The kid replied, "OK, but I wantta get in on this Hanukkah
  business where you get presents for eight nights in a row."
                           - - - - -
 
* The gentile girl had married a Jewish boy and they dined each
  weekend at her Mother-in-Law's.  Each week, the Mother-in-Law
  would serve matzoh-ball soup as the opening course.  The girl
  looked forward to Hanukkah, hoping for a special dish, but true
  to form, the same old matzoh-ball soup was served.  On the way
  home the girl asked her husband, "Honey, doesn't your Mother
  know how to prepare any other part of the matzoh ?"
                           - - - - -
 
*   The Yuppette witnessed a neighbor lighting her Menorah candle
  each nite & at first chance, engaged the lady in conversation.
  Her Jewish neighbor explained both the Holiday & the tradition.
  The subject of the conversation got around to their children.
  The Yuppette bragged how she had raised a doctor and a banker.
    The Jewish neighbor said that she had only one son who was a
  Rabbi.
    The Yuppette exclaimed, "A Rabbi ???  What the hell kind of
  a job is that for a smart Jewish boy ?"
                           - - - - -
 
*   The single Mother had married a Jewish man.  She had agreed
  to let her son decide which faith to embrace. As both Christmas
  and Hanukkah neared, they agreed to decorate the house in the
  traditions of each faith.  The woman and her son decorated the
  Christmas tree and placed all of the other decorations around
  the house.
    When they were finished, the husband got out his Menorah and
  placed it on the mantle.
    The wife said, "That's it ???  Aren't we going to go chop
  down a Hanukkah tree and decorate it ?"
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Indexed UGA Humor Digests 1997-1998:
     (text)  www2.crosswinds.net/baltimore/~jimjr
      (zip)  www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 14 Dec 1998 15:46:47 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Length <suggestive>
 
Arnold Schwartzenegger has a long one...
 
Michael J. Fox has a short one...
 
And Prince doesn't have one at all...
 
What is it???
 
Don't scroll down
(Sponsored by the Save Bandwidth Foundation)
 
 
Answer:  A last name.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 14 Dec 1998 08:49:21 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Santa's Pickup Lines
 
10. Hey Babe, when was the last time you did it in a sleigh?
 9. Wanna see my 12-inch elf?
 8. I`ve got something special in the sack for you!
 7. Ever make it with a fat guy with a whip?
 6. I know when you`ve been bad or good -- so let`s skip the
    small talk, sister!
 5. Some of my best toys run on batteries... <wink wink>
 4. Interested in seeing the "North Pole"? (Well, that`s what
    the Mrs. calls it.
 3. I see you when you`re sleeping -- and you don`t wear any
    underwear, do you?
 2. Screw the "nice" list -- I`ve got you on my "naughty" list!
 1. Wanna join the "Mile High" club?
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 14 Dec 1998 08:18:35 -0600
From:    RANEBOUX <wett@GS.VERIO.NET>
Subject: Twas the nite.... :-)
 
Twas The night before Christmas,
 And all through the house,
  Not a creature was stirring,
   So I took their stereo.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 14 Dec 1998 09:19:11 -0500
From:    Paul Benoit <pbenoit@SPEEDLINETECH.COM>
Subject: L'Chaim
 
     THE TOP 10 REASONS WHY CHANUKAH
          IS BETTER THAN CHRISTMAS
      ------------------------------------
 
10. There's no "Donny & Marie Chanukah Special."
 9. Eight days of presents (in theory, anyway).
 8. No need to clean the chimney.
 7. There's no latke-nog.
 6. Burl Ives doesn't sing Chanukah songs.
 5. You won't be pressured to buy Chanukah Seals.
 4. You won't see, "You're a Putz, Charlie Brown."
 3. No barking dog version of "I had a Little Driedl."
 2. No pine needles to vacuum up afterwards.
 
           and the Number 1 reason
    why Chanukah is better than Christmas...
 
 1. Blintzes are cheaper to mail than fruitcakes.
          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 
After Christmas vacation, an elementary school teacher was asking
her students how they celebrated Christmas. When she got to Sammy,
whose father ran a local toy store, she said, "Sammy, since you're
Jewish, I guess your family didn't celebrate Christmas."
 
Sammy replied, "Oh yes, we did. We all held hands and danced around
the cash register singing, 'What A Friend We Have In Jesus.'
          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 
Jewish holidays can be summed up in three sentences:
 
    1. They tried to kill us.
    2. We won.
    3. Let's eat.
 
           Happy Chanukah Y'all !!!
          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 
And Moses looked upon the lord and said:
"We are your chosen people and you want us to cut
the tips off our WHAT?!"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 14 Dec 1998 17:48:59 GMT
From:    Catweasel <catweasel@CATWEASEL.ORG>
Subject: Everything Zen? I don't think so
 
Work stretches out in front of me, idiots moan and whine from all
directions and it's time for cathartic release. Except there were
some complaints last time and so I'm restricted to pounding
keyboard. Oh well, I can dream:
 
Tales of the Master #2: In which the Master takes a hands-on
approach.
 
Customer: Hey, I've got a problem. Are you listening to me?
          Are you even awake? Hello? I've got a problem.
Zen-Master Greg: One moment while I contemplate the infinite.
Customer: But you're playing tetris?
Zen-Master Greg: The ant looks, but it does not see. What is the
                 nature of this so-called problem?
Customer: Look, I've got a problem, okay? Can you just come and
          help?  Now?
Zen-Master Greg: Truly you may be said to have a problem. But I
                 despair of solving it. Let us examine the
                 symptoms.
Customer: See, it doesn't work. I type and nothing happens.
Zen-Master Greg: Truly a puzzling situation. Tell me, unlearned
                 one, what does it say on the mystic screen?
Customer: It says "please insert the disk: Untitled". But what's
          wrong?
Zen-Master Greg: My son, have you chanced to remove a disk from the
                 drive?
Customer: Yes
Zen-Master Greg: And have you chosen to favour this disk with a
                 name?
Customer: Um, no.
Zen-Master Greg: Let us then insert this disk, in the hope that the
                 hunger of the computer may be satisfied.
Customer: Okay, if you say so. Hey, it works!
Zen-Master Greg: Truly, your comprehension is beyond understanding.
 
(5 minutes pass)
 
Customer: Hi, it's me again! Remember?
Zen-Master Greg: The memory is as a blade in my soul.
Customer: Can you come and help me? It's stopped working again.
Zen-Master Greg: And did it in any way indicate distress?
Customer: Well, it did say something on the screen.
Zen-Master Greg: Tell me, grasshopper, what it happens to say on
                 the screen.
Customer: You know, the damn thing said the same as last time.
Zen-Master Greg: And did you insert the disk?
Customer: No. Should I try that?
Zen-Master Greg: The fool must be beaten with a stick, for an
                 intelligent person the merest hint is sufficient.
Customer: Yeah, well. I'll try it anyway. Hey! It worked!
 
(5 more minutes go by)
 
Customer: Hey buddy?
Zen-Master Greg: It is a fool who walks unknowing over the abyss.
Customer: Look, cut the poetry. I've got a problem. Come and help.
Zen-Master Greg: You have followed the mystic rituals?
Customer: It just doesn't work. Fix it.
Zen-Master Greg: The ox complains not of its burden. Am I less than
                 an ox?
Customer: See. Nothing I type comes up.
Zen-Master Greg: Truly a vexing problem. A most strenuous solution
                 is called for. Let us perform the ritual of
                 re-boot.
Customer: What's that?
Zen-Master Greg: Some things one may not know.
Customer: Hey, what's that whirring noise?
Zen-Master Greg: Tell me, my son. Did you try to fix the computer?
Customer: Yes.
Zen-Master Greg: Ah! And did you try to fix it by sating its
                 hunger?
Customer: Yeah, so?
Zen-Master Greg: And was there not already a disk in the drive when
                 you tried this?
Customer: Yeah, but that's what we did before.
Zen-Master Greg: One does not achieve enlightenment by copying the
                 actions of the master.
Customer: Cut the crap. I'm working on something that's due in in
          an hour and the damn computers keep breaking down. Can
          you begin to do your job and make sure that nothing else
          goes wrong?
Zen-Master Greg: For the master, all things are possible.
Customer: Well do it then. God knows, we're paying enough for all
          of crap. And for your salary.
Zen-Master Greg: I will prevent further problems.
Customer: Well about damn time! AAAARRRRGGGGHHHHH!
 
(sound of the Master drawing a hatchet from beneath his robes and
 chopping off the customer's hand at the wrist, then picking it
 up and stuffing it into the luser's mouth)
 
Customer: AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHH <SPTH!>
Zen-Master Greg: The problem will not recur.
 
*And the luser was enlightened*

		-By Greg Wheatley
 
 
http://www.catweasel.org
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 14 Dec 1998 14:25:41 -0700
From:    Sue Birkenseer <Sue@CIRCUSPREPRESS.COM>
Subject: Trivia
 
     DID YOU KNOW THAT:
 
Coca-Cola was originally green.
 
It is possible to lead a cow upstairs but not downstairs.
 
In 1987 American Airlines saved $40,000 by eliminating one
olive from each salad served first class.
 
City with the most Rolls Royce's per capita:  Hong Kong
 
State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work:
Alaska
 
Percentage of Africa that is wilderness:  28%
 
Percentage of North America that is wilderness:  38%
 
Average number of days a West German goes without washing his
underwear:........7
 
Percentage of American men who say they would marry the same
woman if they had it to do all over again:  80%
 
Percentage of American women who say they'd marry the same
man: 50%
 
Average number of people airborne over the US any given hour:
61,000.
 
Percentage of Americans who have visited Disneyland/Disney World:
70%
 
The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China
in 1910.
 
The youngest pope was 11 years old.
 
Iceland consumes more Coca-Cola per capita than any other nation.
 
First novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.
 
In the 1940s, the FCC assigned television's Channel 1 to mobile
services (e.g., two-way radios in taxicabs) but did they did not
re-number the other channel assignments. That is why your TV set
has channels 2 and up, but no channel 1.
 
The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National
Monuments.
 
The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch
every year because when it was built, engineers failed to take into
account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building.
 
Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king
from history.-Spades -King David,-Clubs -Alexander the
Great,-Hearts -Charlemagne,and-Diamonds-Julius Caesar.
 
If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front
legs in the air,the person died in battle; if the horse has one
front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds
received in battle; if the horse has all four legs on the ground,
the person died of natural causes.
 
An ostrich's eye is bigger that it's brain.
 
In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.
 
The name Jeep came from the abbreviation used in the army for
the "General Purpose" vehicle, G.P.
 
No NFL team which plays its home games in a domed stadium has
ever won a Superbowl.
 
The only two days of the year in which there are no
professional sports events (MLB, NBA, NHL, or NFL) are the day
before and the day after the Major League all-stars Game.
 
Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.
 
The name Wendy was made up for the book "Peter Pan."
 
The Pentagon, in Arlington, Virginia, has twice as many
bathrooms as is CURRENTLY necessary. Because, when it was built
in the 1940s, the state of Virginia still had segregation laws
requiring separate toilet facilities for blacks and whites.
 
Cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400
 
A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 14 Dec 1998 18:54:30 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: The Rally (Pun)
 
Once a year, the collectors of antique tents in Germany get
together for a rally. Last year, the organizers decided to hold it
in Meinz. Unfortunately, the local burghers took a dim view of so
great an influx of tourists ruining their turf with tent pegs. The
citizens organized themselves so thoroughly that they even had an
anthem...  "Let Old and Quaint Tents Be Forgot and Never Brought to
Meinz!
 
          -By Felix Kern
 
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End of HUMOR Digest - 14 Dec 1998 to 15 Dec 1998
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