HUMOR Digest - 13 Dec 1998 to 14 Dec 1998
There are 12 messages totalling 585 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Point of View
  2. If Companies Ran Christmas - Part 2 of 2
  3. Jim Mullen 11 Dec 1998
  4. Retirement (suggestive adult content)
  5. The Pope comes to America (offensive to Catholics)
  6. Ratings: Cat Toys
  7. Star Wars: Pants [suggestive?]
  8. Christmas Pun < Clean >
  9. Roosters
 10. The Elephant (Pun)
 11. The Twelve Days Aftrer Christmas
 12. Err..complaints..? <adult>
 
-------------------------------------------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 13 Dec 1998 03:11:36 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Point of View
 
* The average man's idea of a great sermon in Church is one
  that goes right over his head and hits one of his neighbors.
                        - - - - -
 
*   A man walks into a psychiatrist's office, tears open two
  cigarettes and stuffs the tobacco up his nose.  "I can see
  you really need me." said the shrink.
    "Sure do doc." replied the man. "Have you got a light ?"
                        - - - - -
 
* In a chemistry class, two male students were discussing the
  fact that the human body is composed of approximately 92 %
  water.  As a lovely coed entered the room, all talk ceased
  while they watched her walk to her seat. Finally one of the
  students remarked, "Boy !  She sure did a lot with her 8 %.
                        - - - - -
 
*   Bill Gates has always been open to the suggestions of his
  advisors.  I just heard that one of his Senior Managers had
  completed a two week seminar on the history and theory of
  ethics and was trying to convince Bill that all of their
  employees should be given the same course.
    After mulling over the suggestion, Bill replied, "OK, but
  if we send everyone, who's gonna write our software ?"
                        - - - - -
 
*   The doctor explained to the patient that he had a serious
  condition that required immediate surgery.
    The patient paled and said, "Is it very dangerous ?"
    "Yes." the doctor replied "I'm afraid 4 out of 5 people
  never recover. But you have nothing to worry about at all."
    "Why not ?" asked the patient, now sweating.
    "Well, you see, you're a cinch to recover, as my last four
  patients died."
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 13 Dec 1998 08:24:55 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: If Companies Ran Christmas - Part 2 of 2
 
If DEC ran Christmas...
We used to have Christmas back in the '70s, didn't we?
 
If Hewlett-Packard ran Christmas...
They would market the Reverse Polish Ornament, which is put in your
attic on the weekend after Thanksgiving, and placed out for viewing
the day after the January Bowl Games.
 
If Sony ran Christmas...
Their Personal Xmas-ing Device, which would be barely larger than
an ornament and flat, would allow you to celebrate the season with
a device attached conveniently to your belt.
 
If the Franklin Mint ran Christmas...
Every month, you would receive another lovely hand-crafted item
from an authentic Civil War pewter ornament collection. Each
ornament would weight about 7 pounds, and require you to pay
shipping and handling charges.
 
If Cray ran Christmas...
The holiday season would cost $16 million but would be celebrated
faster than any other holiday during the year.
 
If Thinking Machines ran Christmas...
You would be able to hang over 64,000 ornaments on your tree (all
identical) at the same time.
 
If Timex ran Christmas...
The holiday would be cheap, small, quartz-crystal driven, and would
let you take a licking and keep on shopping.
 
If Radio Shack ran Christmas...
The staff would sell you ornaments, but not know anything about
them or what they were for. Or you could buy parts to build your
own tree.
 
If K-Tel ran Christmas...
Ornaments would not be sold in stores, but when you purchased some,
they would be accompanied by a free set of Ginsu knives.
 
If University of Waterloo ran Christmas...
They would immediately change the name to WatMas.
 
          -Thanks to Daryl Hillen
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 13 Dec 1998 08:58:41 EST
From:    Paul Robinson <Rfc1394a@AOL.COM>
Subject: Jim Mullen 11 Dec 1998
 
Jim Mullen: What the country is talking about this week.
{Entertainment Weekly}  December 11, 1998
 
 1. {Psycho}.  A blow-by blow description of the Dennis Rodman-
    Carmen Electra marriage.
 2. {Rush Limbaugh}.  He lost 80 of his 290 pounds.  Fortunately,
    doctors found the leak before he deflated entirely.
 3. {Oxygen}.  A new cable channel just for women.  Being started
    by <click> "Welcome back to extreme curling on ESPN2."
 4. {Marilyn Manson}.  He did several thousand dollars worth of
    damage to a hotel room in Poukeepsie, NY.  He unplugged the
    minibar.
 5. {Tom Hanks}.  The popular actor says he may run for office.
    Even though he has no pro-wrestling experience.
 6. {Jack Kervorkian}.  Charged with murder, he wants to be his own
    lawyer.  Isn't that a form of suicide?
 7. {The NBA}.  Some players are thinking of going back to college
    and becoming amateur athletes so that they can keep getting a
    steady paycheck until the lockout is over.
 8. {Online Shopping}.  It makes some people uncomfortable.  They
    miss interacting with rude and incompetent salespeople.
 9. {Michael Jackson}.  He's thinking of sending his son to
    boarding school in  Britain.  To keep up the Jackson tradition
    of unhappy childhoods.
10. {Garth Brooks}.  It's official: he's sold more albums
    containing more forgettable music than anyone ever.
11. {The House of Lords}.  The British Government is getting rid of
    it because the institution is useless and outdated.  Unlike,
    say, the monarchy.
12. {Nobel Prize Ceremony}.  Don't worry, it won't be televised.
    Unless Puff Daddy and Maria Carey are presenters.
13. {Cashmere}. It's the fabric this season.  And makes a wonderful
    gift.  For the dry cleaner
14. {Cigarettes}. Tobacco companies raised the price 45c a pack.
    Soon only the wealthy will be able to get lung cancer.
15. {Adam Sandler}.  He signed a two-picture deal for more than 25
    million. His next movie will be called {Ecstatic Gilmore}.
 
Copyright 1998, Entertainment Weekly, All Rights reserved
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 13 Dec 1998 08:02:51 -0800
From:    Joke List <1rodney@GEOCITIES.COM>
Subject: Retirement (suggestive adult content)
 
Morris and Sidney were discussing the prospects of "looming"
retirement. While Sidney had lots of hobbies, the poor Morris had
none, and was rather concerned about being set loose with nothing
to do.
 
Sidney suggested his friend go visit his kids. Morris said,
"Well, I only have two kids, but I could buy a motor home and go
visit my brothers and sisters a couple of weeks each.  That would
take about a year."
 
Sidney looked a bit puzzled, so his friend said, "I'm one of
eighteen kids in my family."
 
Sidney's eyes got rather large, contemplating eighteen children,
so Morris volunteered to explain.
 
"The problem was, my mother was hard of hearing."
 
(Puzzlement)
 
Smile. "My Mom & Dad would go to bed at night, and my Dad would
ask, 'Do you want to go to sleep, or what?' and my Mom would say,
`What?'"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 13 Dec 1998 09:10:52 -0700
From:    Sue Birkenseer <Sue@CIRCUSPREPRESS.COM>
Subject: The Pope comes to America (offensive to Catholics)
 
The Pope comes to America.  Of course, he's very busy. Masses,
rallies, dinners, events, etc.  For security, he has the same
limo driver daily.
 
One evening at a banquet, he sees a chance to sneak away unnoticed.
He goes out back, finds his limo, knocks on the window and finds
the driver lounging in the rear seat eating a huge sandwich with
his feet up on the seat.
 
Driver: Your holiness! I'm so sorry.  Where can I take you?
Forgive me!
 
Pope:  Sit, eat, my son.  Truthfully, I'd like to  take the car for
a drive.  I'm the Pope, and everything is done for me.  I've never
driven an automobile.  Please allow me.
 
Driver:  certainly, your holiness.  Let me assist.
 
P:  Sit, my son.  Finish your dinner.
 
The Pope begins to drive.  Naturally, he is not very good at it as
he has never done this before.  After hitting several parked cars,
lamp posts, and stop signs, He is pulled over by a state trooper.
 
The police man gets out of his cruiser, approaches the driver's
window and knocks.  The Pope lowers the window, Trooper eyes the
scene and retreats to his cruiser.  Immediately, he grabs his
cell phone and phones the governor.
 
Trooper:  Governor, this is state trooper Wilson.  I've just
pulled over the most important person in the world for a serious
traffic violation but I don't know what to do.
 
Gov:  Who do your have there?  Clinton?  I will speak to the
White House Chief of Staff.  I'll straighten this out.
 
Trooper:  No, it's not Clinton. It's the most important person
in the world!
 
Gov:  Well, who do you have?  The UN Secretary General?  I will
speak to one of those UN guys.  Diplomatic immunity is a very
sacred thing you know.
 
Trooper: No, no.  I've already told you. Its the most important
person in the world.
 
Gov:  Dammit, Wilson, who the hell did you pull over?
 
Trooper:  I have no idea, but he's sittin' in the back seat of a
limo, eating a sandwich and the Pope is his driver!
 
          -Forwarded from Charles Ehlers
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 13 Dec 1998 12:56:05 +0000
From:    "F.I. Goldhaber" <fi@PEAK.ORG>
Subject: Ratings: Cat Toys
 
     (Sounds like it may be from a larger piece on cats in
      general, but I received it with no attribution.)
 
Plastic Ring With a Ping-Pong Ball Inside: Cat bats ball, ball goes
around ring, cat bats ball again. Neither the ball nor the cat
actually go anywhere. Now, generally, I avoid buying pet toys that
serve as metaphors for my own life, but in this case it's nice to
not have to reach under the couch of temporal reality to retrieve
the ping-pong ball of conscious existence because the cat of
spiritual dissatisfaction  won't stop meowing. -- B
 
Catnip Anything
Very entertaining. Rub, roll, sniff, sneeze, bat, chew, rinse,
repeat. Anything that makes a cat provide such antics with little
or no effort on my part is okay in my book. (My book being "Now We
Are Six.") I don't know if the stuff actually gets cats high as a
Berkeley woodshop class, but it's fun to pretend it does. -- A
 
Little Bits of Cardboard On a Wire
This is the most successful toy I've yet run into on the "instant
rapt cat attention" scale, which is a bit annoying, considering
it's just little bits of cardboard on a wire. You (meaning "I")
spend all this money on jolly multicolored exotic cat diversions,
and the little loaves of fur end up enchanted by what appears to be
leftover jetsam from an attempt to jury rig the transmission on a
1966 VW Beetle. -- C+
 
Jingly Balls
Why put a bell inside a cat toy? Does it put cats in the mind of
stalking the rare-but-majestic musical stoat? Do cats in the wild
routinely hunt and take down tambourines? The only purpose it seems
to serve is to rudely awaken the cat owner in the middle of the
night. Given the repertoire of rude awakenings that your average
housecat commands (see "hairballs, hacking up"), I don't think they
need the encouragement. -- C-
 
Human Body Parts
Cheap and plentiful, all natural live human body parts are a
favorite of any discriminating feline. The major drawback, however,
is that many cats will without warning, flick over from "play
fighting" to "frappe" in an instant. One second it's all good fun,
and the next you have a Warner-Brothers-esque cloud of fur and
claws at the end of your wrist.  Even if you manage to pull you
hand away before unconsciousness descends, you have enough
intensely painful lacerations to cause an immediate upswing in
the iodine futures market. -- C
 
------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 13 Dec 1998 16:44:44 -0500
From:    Beth Frantz <efrantz@ANNA-MARIA.EDU>
Subject: Star Wars: Pants [suggestive?]
 
     25 Lines From Star Wars That Can Be Improved
     if you substitute the word "Pants"
 
 1. A tremor in the pants. The last time I felt this was in the
    presence of my old master.
 
 2. You are unwise to lower your pants.
 
 3. We've got to be able to get some reading on those pants, up or
    down.
 
 4. She must have hidden the plans in her pants. Send a detachment
    down to retrieve them. See to it personally Commander.
 
 5. These pants may not look like much, kid, but they've got it
    where it counts.
 
 6. I find your lack of pants disturbing.
 
 7. These pants contain the ultimate power in the Universe. I
    suggest we use it.
 
 8. Han will have those pants down. We've got to give him more
    time!
 
 9. General Veers, prepare your pants for a surface assault.
 
10. I used to bulls-eye womp-rats in my pants back home.
 
11. TK-421... Why aren't you in your pants?
 
12. Lock the door. And hope they don't have pants.
 
13. Governor Tarkin. I recognized your foul pants when I was
    brought on board.
 
14. You look strong enough to pull the pants off of a Gundark.
 
15. Luke... Help me take... these pants off.
 
16. Great, Chewie, great. Always thinking with your pants.
 
17. That blast came from those pants. That thing's operational!
 
18. Don't worry. Chewie and I have gotten into a lot of pants more
    heavily guarded than this.
 
19. Maybe you'd like it back in your pants, your highness.

20. Your pants betray you. Your feelings for them are strong.
    Especially for your sister!
 
21. Jabba doesn't have time for smugglers who drop their pants at
    the first sign of an Imperial Cruiser.
 
22. Yeah, well short pants is better than no pants at all, Chewie.
 
23. Attention. This is Lando Calrissean. The Empire has taken
    control of my pants, I advise everyone to leave before more
    troops arrive.
 
24. I cannot teach him. The boy has no pants.
 
25. You came in those pants? You're braver than I thought.
 
          -Received from my fiance. Who knows where he got it.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 13 Dec 1998 16:54:03 -0500
From:    Peter Beloin <pbeloin@BANET.NET>
Subject: Christmas Pun < Clean >
 
This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in
his home town for the holidays.  After looking over the menu, he
says, "I'll just have the eggs benedict.  His order comes a while
later and it's served on a huge fancy chrome plate.  He asks the
waiter, "What's with the fancy plate?"
 
The waiter replies, "There's no plate like chrome for the
hollandaise!"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 13 Dec 1998 18:21:44 EST
From:    Sue Sevin <SueS7@AOL.COM>
Subject: Roosters
 
An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his
hens. The current rooster was getting old and could barely do his
job anymore. The farmer figured getting a new rooster would surely
improve egg production.  So he bought a young cock from the local
rooster emporium, and turned him loose in the barnyard.
 
Well, the old rooster saw the young one strutting around, and he
got a little worried.  "So, they're trying to replace me," thought
the old rooster.  "I've got to do something about this."
 
He walked up to the new bird and said, "So you're the new stud in
town? I bet you really think you're hot stuff, don't you? Well, I'm
not ready for the chopping block yet.  I'll bet I'm still the
better bird.  And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around
that hen house over there.  We'll run around it three times and
whoever finishes first gets to have all the hens for himself."
 
Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definitely thought
he was more than a match for the old guy. "You're on," said the
young rooster. "And since I know I'm so great, I'll even give you
a head start of half a lap.  I'll still win easy," said the young
rooster.
 
So the race began and all the hens started cheering the roosters
on. After the first lap, the old rooster still maintained his lead.
After the second lap, the old guy's lead had slipped substantially
and he was just barely in front of the young rooster. Just as the
young rooster was about to catch up with the old rooster, BANG!
The young rooster dropped dead in his tracks.
 
Back on the porch of the house was the farmer with a shotgun.  As
he stood there slowly shaking his head, he muttered to himself...
That's the third gay rooster I've bought this month."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 13 Dec 1998 18:09:03 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: The Elephant (Pun)
 
An elephant and a crocodile were swimming in the Amazon, when the
elephant spots a turtle sunning himself on a rock. The elephant
walks over to the turtle, picks him up in his trunk and hurls him
far into the jungle.
 
"What did you do that for?" asks the crocodile.
 
The elephant answers, "That turtle was the one that bit me almost
fifty years ago."
 
The crocodile says, "And you remembered him after all these years?
Boy, you sure do have a good memory."
 
"Yep," says the elephant. "Turtle recall."
 
          -By: Kat Hawn
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 14 Dec 1998 00:32:36 -0500
From:    Steve and Cindy <atlas@EZNET.NET>
Subject: The Twelve Days Aftrer Christmas
 
The first day after Christmas
My true love and I had a fight
And so I chopped the pear tree down
And burnt it, just for spite
 
Then with a single cartridge
I shot that blasted partridge
 
My true love, my true love, my true love gave to me.
 
The second day after Christmas
I pulled on the old rubber gloves
And very gently wrung the necks
Of both the turtle doves
 
My true love, my true love, my true love gave to me.
 
On the third day after Christmas
My mother caught the croup
I had to use the three French hens
To make some chicken soup
 
The four calling birds were a big mistake
For their language was obscene
The five golden rings were completely fake
and turned my fingers green.
 
The sixth day after Christmas
The six laying geese wouldn't lay
So I sent the whole darn gaggle to the
A.S.P.C.A.
 
On the seventh day, what a mess I found
The seven swans-a-swimming all had drowned

 
(I think there's a "my true love gave to me" in here somewhere)
 
The eighth day after Christmas
Before they could suspect
I bundled up the
Eight maids-a-milking
Nine ladies dancing
Ten lords-a-leaping
Eleven pipers piping
Twelve drummers drumming - well, actually I kept one of the
drummers -
And sent them back collect
 
I wrote my true love
"We are through, love!"
And I said in so many words
"Furthermore your Christmas gifts were for the
(Soprani) Birds!"
 
(Everyone else) Four calling birds,
Three French hens,
Two turtle doves
And a partridge in a pear tree!"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 14 Dec 1998 11:48:56 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMCLTD.COM>
Subject: Err..complaints..? <adult>
 
A man was carrying 2 babies, one in each arm while waiting for a
train. Along came this woman seeing the 2 cute babies started
asking the man "Aren't they cute, what is their names?"
 
The man giving the lady an angry look replied "I don't know".
 
The lady asked again "which is a boy and which is a girl".
 
The man looking angrier than before replied "I don't know".
 
The woman then started to scold the man "What kind of a father
are you ?".
 
The man replied "I am not their father, I am just a condom salesman
and these are 2 complaints that I am taking back to my company"
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 13 Dec 1998 to 14 Dec 1998
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