HUMOR Digest - 12 Dec 1998 to 13 Dec 1998
There are 8 messages totalling 450 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. If Companies Ran Christmas - Part 1 of 2
  2. Cold Winters
  3. Another Garden of Eden story
  4. Real teachers. . . .(clean teacher humor)
  5. 12 Days of Christmas-Bayou Style
  6. Did Ya Hear ?
  7. P. U. N. Y. Riddles
  8. Of Men & Women
 
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Date:    Sat, 12 Dec 1998 09:30:53 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: If Companies Ran Christmas - Part 1 of 2
 
If IBM ran Christmas...
They would want one big Santa, dressed in blue, where kids queue up
for their present-processing. Receiving presents would take about
24-36 hours of mainframe processing time.
 
If Microsoft ran Christmas...
Each time you bought an ornament, you would have to buy a tree as
well. You wouldn't have to take the tree, but you still have to pay
for it anyway. Ornament/95 would weigh 1500 pounds (requiring a
reinforced steel countertop tree), draw enough electricity to power
a small city, take up 95% of the space in your living room, would
claim to be the first ornament that uses the colors red/green
together. It would interrogate your other decorations to find out
who made them. Most everyone would hate Microsoft ornaments, but
nonetheless would buy them since most of the other tree types
wouldn't work with their hooks.
 
If Apple ran Christmas...
It would do everything the Microsoft ornaments do, but years
earlier, and with a smaller mouse (not stirring of course).
 
If Silicon Graphics ran Christmas...
Ornaments would be priced slightly higher, but would hang on the
tree remarkably quickly. Also the colors of the ornaments would be
prettier than most all the others. Options would be available for
'equalization' of color combinations on the tree.
 
If Dell ran Christmas...
Wait a minute? Isn't IBM running this Christmas..??
 
If Fisher Price ran Christmas...
"Baby's First Ornament" would have a hand-crank that you turn to
hang the thing on the tree.
 
If The Rand Corporation ran Christmas...
The ornaments would be large perfectly smooth and seamless black
cubes. Christmas morning there would be presents for everyone, but
no one would know what they were. Their service department would
have an unlisted phone number, and be located at the North Pole.
Blueprints for ornaments would be highly classified government
documents. X-Files would have an episode about them.
 
If the NSA ran Christmas...
Your ornaments would have a secret trap door that only the NSA
could access in case they needed to monitor your tree for reasons
of national security.
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 12 Dec 1998 10:07:45 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Cold Winters
 
* It won't be too long before winter sets in for real in the US.
  Northern tier states, like North Dakota are indeed both cold
  and snowy.  The last time I was there, I was cold in places I
  didn't even know I had.
                           - - - - -
 
* Let me give you an example of how cold it gets in the Dakotas.
  The termites don't even have to chew.  They just lean forward
  while their teeth are chattering.
                           - - - - -
 
* Don't dare catch a cold in North Dakota either. The last time
  I was there and caught a cold, I sneezed and broke my Kleenex.
                           - - - - -
 
* You think I'm kidding how cold it is in North Dakota.  Well...
  I heard Superman froze his "S" off.
                           - - - - -
 
* Childbirth even slows down in the winter in the North Dakota.
  See, instead of storks delivering babies, penguins have to.
                           - - - - -
 
* While there are some Masons in North Dakota, their organization
  hasn't been a real big success.  In the winter, almost all of
  the thirty-third degree Masons drop at least 10-15 degrees.
                           - - - - -
 
* Winter does have some advantages in North Dakota.  For example,
  you don't need a cup for coffee.  It's so cold, you just carry
  around a chunk of it.
                           - - - - -
 
* On the other hand, there are disadvantages too. In North Dakota
  in the winter, egg production goes way down.  It's so cold, the
  hens all lay their eggs from a standing position.
 
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Indexed UGA Humor Digests 1997-1998:
     (text)  www2.crosswinds.net/baltimore/~jimjr
      (zip)  www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 12 Dec 1998 08:29:14 -0700
From:    Sue Birkenseer <Sue@CIRCUSPREPRESS.COM>
Subject: Another Garden of Eden story
 
One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I have
a problem!"
 
"What's the problem, Eve?"
 
"Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful
garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious
comedy snake, but I'm just not happy."
 
"Why is that, Eve?", comes the reply from above.
 
"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples."
 
"Well, Eve, in that case I have a solution. I shall create a man
for you."
 
"What's a 'man,' Lord?"
 
"This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies,
an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you
properly. All in all he'll give you a hard time.  But he'll be
bigger and faster and more muscular than you, he'll be really good
at fighting and kicking a ball about and hunting fleet-footed
ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack."
 
"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.
 
"Yeah, well. He's better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick.
But you can have him on one condition."
 
"What's that, Lord?"
 
"You'll have to let him believe that I made him first."
 
                    -Forwarded by Howard Brown
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 12 Dec 1998 14:24:42 EST
From:    Jennifer Selke <JennSelke@AOL.COM>
Subject: Real teachers. . . .(clean teacher humor)
 
Real teachers grade papers in the car, during commercials, in
faculty lounges and have been seen grading in church.
 
Real teachers cheer when they hear April 1 does not fall on a
school day.
 
Real teachers drive older cars owned by credit unions.
 
Real teachers clutch a pencil while thinking and make notes in the
margins of books.
 
Real teachers can't walk past a crowd of kids without straightening
up the line.
 
Real teachers have disjointed necks from writing on boards without
turning their backs on the class.
 
Real teachers are written up in medical journals for size and
elasticity of kidneys and bladders.
 
Real teachers have been timed gulping down a full lunch in 2
minutes, 18 seconds. Master teachers can eat faster than that.
 
Real teachers can predict exactly which parents will show up at
Open House.
 
Real teachers never teach the conjugations of lie and lay to eighth
graders.
 
Real teachers know it is better to seek forgiveness than to ask
permission.
 
Real teachers know the shortest distance and the length of travel
time from their classroom to the office.
 
Real teachers can "sense" gum.
 
Real teachers know the difference among what must be graded, what
ought to be graded, and what probably should never again see the
light of day.
 
Real teachers are solely responsible for the destruction of the
rain forest.
 
Real teachers have their best conferences in the parking lot.
 
Real teachers buy Excedrin and Advil in bulk.
 
Real teachers will eat anything that is put in the
workroom/teacher's lounge.
 
Real teachers know secretaries and custodians run the school.
 
Real teachers hear the heartbeats of crisis; always have time to
listen; know they teach students, not subjects; and they are
absolutely non-expendable.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 12 Dec 1998 12:11:53 +0000
From:    "F.I. Goldhaber" <fi@PEAK.ORG>
Subject: 12 Days of Christmas-Bayou Style
 
Day 1:  Dear Boudreaux,  Thanks for de bird in de Pear tree.  I fix
it las' night with dirty rice.  I doan tink de pear tree will grow
in the swamp, so I swap it for a Satsuma.
 
Day 2:  Dear Boudreaux,  You letter say you sent two turtle doves,
but all I got was two scrawny pigeons.  Anyway, I mixed dem with
andouille an made some gumbo out of dem.
 
Day 3:  Dear Boudreaux,  Why doan you sent some crawfish?  I'm
tired of eating dem darn birds.  I gave two of dose prissy French
chickens to Marie Trahan over at Grans Bayou an fed the tird one
to my dog, Phideaux.  Marie needed some sparring partners for her
fighting rooster.
 
Day 4:  Dear Boudreaux, Mon Dieux!  I tol you no more dem darn
birds. Deez four, what you call dem "calling birds" were so noisy
you could hear dem all de way to Napoleonville.  I used dere necks
for my crab traps, an fed de rest of dem to de gators.
 
Day 5:  Dear Boudreaux, You finally sent somethin useful.  I like
dem golden rings, me.  I hocked dem at da pawn shop in Thibodeaux
and got enuf money to fix da shaft on my shrimp boat an buy a round
for da boys at de Raisin' Cane Lounge.  Merci Beaucoup!
 
Day 6:  Dear Boudreaux, Couchon!  Back to da birds, you coonass
turkey! Poor egg suckin' Phideaux is scared to death at dem six
geeses.  He tried to eat dems eggs and dey peck de heck out ah
his snout.  Dey good at eating cockroaches, though.  I may stuff
one of dem wit erster dressing on Christmas day.
 
Day 7:  Dear Boudreaux, I'm gonna wring your fool neck next time I
see you. Thibideaux, da mailman, is ready to kill ya.  The merde
from all dem birds is stinkin' up his mailboat.  He afraid someone
will slip on dat stuff and sue him good.  I let those seven swans
loose to swim on de bayou and some duck hunters from Texas
blasted dem out of de water. Talk to you tomorrow.
 
Day 8:  Dear Boudreaux, Poor ole Thibeau, he had to make tree
trips on his mailboat to deliver dem 8 maids a milkin and their
cows.  One of dem cows got spooked by da alligators and almost
tipped over da boat. I doan like dem shiftless maids, me no. I
tolt dem to get to work guttin fish and sweeping the shack but dey
say it wasn't in dair contract.  Dey probably think they to good ta
skin nutrias I caught las night too.
 
Day 9:  Dear Boudreaux, What you trying to did Huh?  Thibideaux
had to borrow the Lutcher ferry to carry dem jumpin twits you call
Lords-a-Leaping across the bayou.  As soon as dey gots here dey
wanted a tea break with crumpets.  I doan know what dat means
but I says, "Well, La Di Da.  You get Chicory coffee or nuttin."
Mon Dieu, Emile. What I'm gonna feed all dese bozos?  Dey too
snooty for fried nutria, and de cows done eat my turnip greens.
 
Day 10:  Dear Boudreaux, You got to be outs you mind!  If de
mailman don't kill you, I will for sure.  Today he deliver 10
floozies from Bourbon Street.  Dey said dey be "Ladies Dancin" but
dey doan act like ladies even aroun dose Limey twits.  Dey almos
left after one of dem got bit by a water moccasin over by da
out-house. I had to butcher 2 cows to feed toute le monde an get
toilet paper. The Sears catalog wasn't good enuf fer dose hoity
toity lord's royal behin.
 
Day 11:  Dear Boudreaux, Where Y'at.  Cheerio an pip pip.  Your
11 pipers piping arrives today from the House of Blues, second
lining as dey got off de boat.  We fixed stuffed goose and beef
jambalaya, finished da whiskey and we having a fais-do-do.  Da
new mailman he drink a bottle of Jack Daniel an he having a good
time yeah dancing with de floozies.  Thibeau he jump off de
Sunshine Bridge yesterday, screaming your name.  If you get a
mysterious, ticking package in de mail, doan open it man.
 
Day 12:  Dear Boudreaux, I sorry to tell ya but I not your true
love anymore, no.  After da fais-do-do, I spent sum time with
Jacque, de head piper.  We decide to open a restaurant and club
on de bayou. The floozies, pardon me, Ladies dancing, can make $20
for to dance der, and de lords can be waiters an valet park de
boats. Since de maids have no more cows ta milk, I trained dem ta
set my crab traps, watch my trotlines, an run my shrimping business.
We will robably gross a million clams nex year.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 12 Dec 1998 10:52:15 -0600
From:    RANEBOUX <wett@GS.VERIO.NET>
Subject: Did Ya Hear ?
 
Q. Did you hear about the guy who was half Japanese and half black?
 
A. Every December 7th, he attacks Pearl Bailey.
 
 
http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/Delta/9989/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 12 Dec 1998 13:38:48 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: P. U. N. Y. Riddles
 
74. What metaphor describes young lovers drinking champagne?
 
75. What cliched analogy comes to mind when you see an unopened bag
    of Ruffles that has been crushed due to a sudden wild romantic
    encounter?
 
76. An upstart democracy in the heart of the African continent
    decided that "E Pluribus Unum" would look great on their
    currency however, the United States charged them with a crime
    and threatened to take them to the United Nations if they
    continued with their plans.  What was the charge?
 
77. Why do radio announcers need to have small hands?
 
78. What do cowboys call a laid-back city slicker who hires onto
    the crew of a submersible watercraft?
 
79. What do you call a short, dwarven man who, while riding the New
    York Subway, sings a song that keeps tempo with the speed of
    the trains?
 
 
                    ----------
                    Answers
 
 
74. THEY'RE LIKE SIPS THAT PASSION THE NIGHT (By Stan Kegel)
 
75. THESE ARE LIKE CHIPS THAT PASSION DENIED (By Gary Hallock)
 
76. GRAND THEFT MOTTO (By Tiff Wimberly)
 
77, WEE PAWS FOR STATION IDENTIFICATION (By Stan Kegel)
 
78. SUBDUDE (By Gary Hallock)
 
79. A METRO-GNOME (By David Bunch)
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 12 Dec 1998 18:57:03 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Of Men & Women
 
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can
spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
 
Style: Men wake up as good-looking as when they went to bed.
       Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
 
A man is a person who will pay two dollars for a one dollar item he
wants. A woman will pay one dollar for a two dollar item that she
doesn't want.
 
To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a
little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not
try to understand her at all.
 
Marriage: A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he
doesn't.  A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and
she does.
 
Men marry because they are tired. Women marry because they are
curious. Both are disappointed.
 
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband, while a
man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
 
A woman will always cherish the memory of the man who wanted to
marry her. A man cherishes the memory of the woman who didn't.
 
There are two times a man doesn't understand a woman - before
marriage and after marriage.
 
Husbands: Only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy.
One is to let her think she is having her way, and the other is to
let her have it.
 
Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot
more willing to die.
 
Any married man should forget his mistakes - no use in two people
remembering the same thing.
 
The Battle: A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a
man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 12 Dec 1998 to 13 Dec 1998
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