HUMOR Digest - 11 Dec 1998 to 12 Dec 1998
There are 9 messages totalling 463 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Babies
  2. The Christmas Spirit
  3. The Night After
  4. Ruminations about life
  5. Rebuttal To Terry Galan's Santa Claus post
  6. (Fwd) Announcement from Microsoft
  7. The Farmer's Temp
  8. The Worst (or Best) Country and Western Song
     Titles of All-Time
  9. The Cannibals (Pun)
 
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Date:    Fri, 11 Dec 1998 03:24:20 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Babies
 
* The first lesson a new baby learns at their Mother's knee
  these days is to be careful of the pantyhose.
                           - - - - -
 
* A 90's Father was really disappointed when his wife gave birth
  to a daughter instead of a son.  He was hoping for someone to
  help him with the cooking and housework.
                           - - - - -
 
* The new Mother was having problems changing the baby's diaper.
  The Father, looking on, says, "No problem.  Where's the manual
  that came with the kid ?"
                           - - - - -
 
*   When our daughter Sandy was a baby, she cried quite often
  at nite.  One nite though, everything was blissfully quiet.
    About 2 a.m. Mrs JimJr nudged me and said, "Hon, will you
  go check and see why Sandy isn't crying ?"
                           - - - - -
 
*   Used to being the center of attention, Robbie was a little
  more than jealous of his new baby sister.  The parents sat
  him down and said that now that she was getting older, the
  house was too small and they'd have to move.
    "It's no use." lil' Robbie said, "She's crawling good now
  and she'd probably just follow us."
                           - - - - -
 
*   A new Father was complaining to his co-workers about the
  costs of the 3-month-old infant.  There was general agreement,
  but one older gent said, "Sure.  But overall, it's a bargain."
    "A bargain ???" said the new Father dumfounded. "How in the
  world do you figure that ?"
    "Easy." said the older man. "Look how long kids last."
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 11 Dec 1998 06:59:51 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: The Christmas Spirit
 
Searching for the perfect gift for his dear wife who loved animals
and birds in particular, a man dropped in to the local pet shop to
see if he could come up with an idea. The pet store manager told
the man, "I have just the thing you're looking for, a bird named
Chet". Impressed with the look of the bird as the manager pointed
out "Chet" on the near by perch, the man was even more intrigued
when the manager pointed out that "Chet" could sing Christmas
Carols.
 
Approaching the bird "Chet", the manager took out his lighter and
said "Yes, just listen."  As the manager lit his lighter and moved
it gently below Chets right foot the bird immediately broke into
"Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle all..." but then, when the
manager moved the lighter below Chet's left foot, the bird switched
to "I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas, just like the one's...".
Astonishment was the only way to describe the husband's reaction
and he said, "I'll buy him, what a perfect gift for my dear wife."
 
Racing home with Chet, the man knew he couldn't keep this wonderful
gift from his wife until Christmas day. He presented Chet to her
immediately and remarked, "Not only is he a pretty bird, but he
sings too, Dearest." His wife was totally overwhelmed as her
husband demonstrated Chet's skill at singing Jingle Bells and White
Christmas moving his lighter back and forth between Chet's right
and left foot. "What happens if you put the lighter under both his
feet at the same time?" asked the man's wife.
 
"I don't know sweet, lets try it and see."  As the man move his
lighter under both of the birds feet they were both surprised when
the carol immediately switched to "Chet's nuts roasting on an open
fire..."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 11 Dec 1998 07:44:55 -0500
From:    Paul Benoit <pbenoit@SPEEDLINETECH.COM>
Subject: The Night After
 
'Twas the Night After Christmas
          By Jeff Foxworthy
 
'Twas the night after Christmas and all through the trailer,
the beer had gone flat and the pizza was staler.
The tube socks hung empty, no candies or toys,
and I was camped out on my old Lay-Z-Boy.
The kids they weren't talking to me or my wife,
the worst Christmas they said they had had in their lives.
My wife couldn't argue and neither could I,
so I watched TV and my wife, she just cried.
 
When out in the yard the dog started barkin',
I stood up and looked and I saw Sheriff Larkin.
He yelled, "Roy I am sworn to uphold the laws
and I got a complaint here from a feller named Claus."
I said, "Claus, I don't know nobody named Claus,
and you ain't taking me in without probable cause."
Then the Sheriff he said, "The man was shot at last night."
I said, "That might have been me, just what's he look like?"
Sheriff said "He's a jolly old feller, with a big beer gut belly,
that shakes when he laughs like a bowl full of jelly.
He sports a long beard, and a nose like a cherry."
I said, "Sheriff that sounds like my wife's sister Sherri."
"It's no time for jokes Roy" the Sheriff he said.
"The man I'm describing is dressed all in red.
I'm here for the truth now, it's time to come clean.
Tell me what you've done, tell me what you've seen."
Well I started to lie then I thought what the hell,
it wouldn't have been the first time I've spent New Years in jail.
 
I said, "Sheriff it happened last night about ten,
and I thought that my wife had been drinking again."
When she walked in from work she was as white as a ghost.
I thought maybe she had seen one of them UFO's.
But she said that a bunch of deer had just flown over her head,
and stopped on the roof of our good neighbour Red.
Well I ran outside to look and the sight made me shudder,
a freezer full of venison standing right on Red's gutter.
Well my hands were a shakin' as I grabbed my gun,
when outta Red's chimney this feller did run.
And slung on his back was this bag over flowin'.
I thought he'd stolen Red's stuff while old Red was out bowling'.
So I yelled, "Drop fat boy, hands in the air!"
But he went about his business like he hadn't a care.
So I popped a warning shot over his head.
Well he dropped that bag and he jumped in that sled.
And as he flew off I heard him extort,
"That's assault with intent Roy, I'll see ya in court."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 11 Dec 1998 06:54:51 -0500
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@LATTE.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Ruminations about life
 
Ads in Bills: Have you noticed that they put advertisements in with
your bills now? Like bills aren't distasteful enough, they have to
stuff junk mail in there with them! I get back at them. I put
garbage in with my check when I mail it in. Coffee grinds, banana
peels... I write, "Could you throw this away for me? Thank you."
 
Fabric Softener: My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what
that stuff was for. Then I noticed women were coming up to me
(sniff) 'Married!' (walk off). That's how wives mark their
territory! You can take off that ring, but it's hard to get that
April fresh scent out of your clothes.
 
Cripes! My wife's from the Mid-west. Very nice people there.  Very
wholesome. They use words like 'Cripes!' 'For Cripe's sake!' Who
would that be, Jesus Cripes? The son of 'Gosh?' of the church of
'Holy Moly'! I'm not making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in
'Heck'?
 
Morning Differences: Men and women are different in the morning.
The men wake up aroused in the morning.  We can't help it! We just
wake up and we want you! And the women are thinking, 'how can he
want me the way I look in the morning?' It's because we can't see
you! We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve!
 
Mysteries of Women: I'm out with my wife the other day.  She says,
'My feet hurt.' I say, 'Well, why did you wear those shoes?' She
says, 'I didn't know we were going to be walking!'... Hello? Keep
up with evolution! We're walking now! Feel free to slither! She was
wearing high heels, that's why. They are the worst invention.
Aren't they, ladies? I've heard that women wear those shoes because
they make your butt and your breasts stick out. Jeez. Why not just
shove some shoes in your underwear, you'd be a lot more
comfortable.
 
Grandma: My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says,
'Sexy Senior Citizen'. You don't want to think of your grandmother
that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests! Makes you wonder
where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday!
 
Reverse Life Cycle: The most unfair thing about life is the way it
ends.  I mean, life is tough.  It takes up a lot of your time.
What do you get at the end of it? A death.  What's that, a bonus? I
think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it
out of the way.  Then you live in an old age home.  You get kicked
out when you're too young, you get a gold watch when you go to
work.  You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your
retirement! You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for
high school! You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play,
you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back
into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating... you
finish off as a gleam.
 
Prisons: Did you know that it costs forty thousand dollars a year
to house each prisoner? Jeez, for forty thousand bucks a piece I'll
take a few prisoners into my house! I live in Los Angeles.  I
already have bars on the windows.  I don't think we should give
free room and board to criminals. I think they should have to run
twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate electricity.  And if
they don't want to run, they can rest in the electric chair that's
hooked up to the generator.
 
Award Shows Can you believe how many award shows they have now?
They have awards for commercials! The Cleo Awards.  A whole show
full of commercials.  I taped it and then I fast-forwarded through
the whole thing.
 
Phone-in Polls: You know those shows where people call in and vote
on different issues? Did you ever notice there's always like 18% "I
don't know"! It costs 90 cents to call up and vote "I don't know"!
Imagine these people watching a program..."Honey, I feel very
strongly about this. Give me the phone." (into phone) "I DON'T
KNOW!" (hangs up, looking proud) "Sometimes you have to stand up
for what you believe you are not sure about!" This guy probably
calls up phone sex girl at $2.95 a minute. (into phone) "I'm not
in the mood!"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 11 Dec 1998 08:15:51 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Rebuttal To Terry Galan's Santa Claus post
 
Come on, ya gotta believe! I mean, if you can handle flying furry
animals, then it's only a small step to the rest.
 
For example;
1) As admitted, it is possible that a flying reindeer can be found.
   I would agree that it would be quite an unusual find, but they
   might exist.
2) You've relied on cascading assumptions. For example, you have
   assumed a uniform distribution of children across homes.
   Toronto/Yorkville, or Toronto/Cabbagetown, or other yuppie
   neighborhoods, have probably less than the average (and don't
   forget the DINK and SINK homes (Double Income No Kids, Single
   Income No Kids)), while the families with 748 starving children
   that they keep showing on Vision TV while trying to pick my
   pocket would skew that 15% of homes down a few percent.
3) You've also assumed that each home that has kids would have at
   least one good kid. What if anti-selection applies, and homes
   with good kids tend to have more than their share of good kids,
   and other homes have nothing except terrorists in diapers? Let's
   drop that number of homes down a few more percent.
4) Santa would have to FedEx a number of packages ahead of time,
   since he would not be able to fly into Air Force Bases, or into
   tower-controlled areas near airports. He's get shot at over
   certain sections of the Middle East, and the no-fly zones in
   Iraq, so he'd probably use DHL there. Subtract some more homes.
5) I just barely passed Physics and only read Stephen Hawking's
   book once, but I recall that there is some Einsteinian Theory
   that says time does strange things as you move faster. In fact,
   when you go faster than the speed of light time runs backward,
   if you do a straight line projection, connect the dots and just
   ignore any singularity you might find right at the speed of
   light. And don't say you can't go faster than the speed of light
   because I've seen it done on TV. Jean-Luc doesn't have reindeer
   but he does have matter-antimatter warp engines and a holodeck
   and that's good enough for me. So Santa could go faster than
   light, visit all the good children which are not uniformly
   distributed by either concentration in each home or by number of
   children per household, and get home before he left so he can
   digest all those stale cookies and warm milk yech.
6) Aha, you say, Jean-Luc has matter-antimatter warp engines, Santa
   only has reindeer, where does he get the power to move that
   fast!  You calculated the answer! The lead pair of reindeer will
   absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. This
   is an ample supply of energy for the maneuvering, acceleration,
   etc, that would be required of the loaded sleigh. The reindeer
   don't evaporate or incinerate because of this energy, they
   accelerate. What do you think they have antlers for, fighting
   over females?  Think of antlers as furry solar array panels.
7. If that's not enough, watch the news on the 24th at 11 o'clock.
   NORAD (which may be one of the few government agencies with more
   than 3 initials in it's name and therefore it must be more
   trustworthy than the rest) tracks Santa every year and I've seen
   the radar shots of him approaching my house from the direction
   of the North Pole. They haven't bomarck'd him yet, so they must
   believe too, right?
 
               -Thanks to Jon Greiman
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 11 Dec 1998 09:04:21 +0000
From:    "F.I. Goldhaber" <fi@PEAK.ORG>
Subject: (Fwd) Announcement from Microsoft
 
< Forwards at the Betty Ford Clinic for Y2K compulsives ... >
 
Press Release: For general release
Date: December 9, 1998
 
 
REDMOND, WA (API) --- MICROSOFT (MSFT) announced today that the
official release date for the new operating system "Windows 2000"
will be delayed until the second quarter of 1901.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 11 Dec 1998 12:54:12 -0600
From:    RANEBOUX <wett@GS.VERIO.NET>
Subject: The Farmer's Temp
 
A farmer dies and goes to hell. While down there the Devil notices
that a farmer is not suffering like the rest. He checks the gauges
and sees that it's 90 degrees and about 80 percent humidity. So the
Devil goes over to the farmer and asks why he's so happy. The
farmer says, "I like it here, the temperature is just like plowing
my fields in June."
 
The Devil isn't happy with the farmer's answer, so he goes over and
turns up the temperature to 100 degrees and the humidity to 90
percent.
 
After turning everything up he goes looking for the farmer.
He finds him standing around just as happy as can be. The Devil
quizzes the farmer again as to why he's so happy. The farmer says,
"This is even better, it's like pulling weeds in the fields during
July."
 
The Devil, now upset, decides to really make the farmer suffer,
so he turns the heat up to 120 degrees and the humidity to 100
percent.
 
Once again, he goes looking for the farmer, and finds him sitting
on the floor -- even happier than before! The farmer turns to the
Devil and says, "This is great, it's just like working in the silo
with my friends in August."
 
The Devil says, "That's it, I'll get this farmer." He goes over and
turns the temperature down to 25 degrees and sets the weather
control to SNOW. "Lets see what the farmer has to say about THIS."
 
A little while later, the Devil finds the farmer -- only NOW he's
jumping up and down for joy and yelling, "Microsoft finally created
a program that doesn't keep crashing!"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 11 Dec 1998 20:01:17 GMT
From:    Catweasel <catweasel@CATWEASEL.ORG>
Subject: The Worst (or Best) Country and Western
         Song Titles of All-Time
 
(These are NOT made up - they've all been recorded.)
 
So went the claim which arrived with this list.  As a Country and
Western fan (well, nobody's perfect) I can assure you the claim is
true. I've actually heard some of these songs.
 
 1. Get Your Biscuits In The Oven And Your Buns In Bed
 2. Get Your Tongue Otta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye
 3. Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure
 4. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
 5. I Can't Get Over You, So Why Don't You Get Under Me
 6. I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling
 7. I Got In At 2 With a 10, And Woke Up At 10 With a 2.
 8. I Hate Every Bone In Your Body Except For Mine
 9. I Just Bought A Car From A Guy That Stole My Girl, But The Car
       Don't Run, So I figure We Got An Even Deal
10. I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You
11. I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well
12. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better
13. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win
14. I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonight
15. I'm So miserable Without You, It's Like Having You Here
16. I've Got Tears in My Ears From Lying On My Back While I Cry
       Over you
17. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You
18. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now
19. Mama Get A Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head)
20. My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Love Rovers
21. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, and I Sure Do Miss Him
22. Please Bypass this Heart
23. She Got The Ring and I Got The Finger
24. You're the Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly
 
 
http://www.catweasel.org
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 11 Dec 1998 19:17:49 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: The Cannibals (Pun)
 
Two cannibals meet one day. The first cannibal says, "You know, I
just can't seem to get a tender Missionary. I've baked them, I've
roasted them, I've stewed them, I've barbecued them, I've tried
every sort of marinade. I just can't seem to get them tender."
 
The second cannibal asks, "What kind of Missionary do you use?"
 
The other replied, "You know, the ones that hang out at that place
at the bend of the river. They have those brown cloaks with a rope
around the waist and they're sort of bald on top with a funny ring
of hair on their heads."
 
"Ah, ha!" the second cannibal replies. "No wonder... those are
friars!"
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 11 Dec 1998 to 12 Dec 1998
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