HUMOR Digest - 9 Dec 1998 to 10 Dec 1998
There are 10 messages totalling 447 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Disorder in the Court
  2. The Christmas Angel
  3. Complaint In Trespass
  4. THE TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS.... SANTA CRUZ STYLE...
  5. Sums
  6. White House Interns (adult)
  7. Jokes by Russian  women about men
  8. Diary of a snow shoveler
  9. The Zoo Keeper (Pun)
 10. Quality <clean>
 
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Date:    Wed, 9 Dec 1998 03:06:53 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Disorder in the Court
 
* It has been said that the truth will make you free.  Well...
  Unless you happen to be a criminal of course, then the court
  shall set you free.
                           - - - - -
 
* Woman juror to eleven totally exasperated & tired male jurors:
  "Men! I swear !!!  If y'all weren't so damn stubborn, we could
  have all been home long ago."
                           - - - - -
 
* In his opening statement, the District Attorney said, "This is
  clearly a case of a fire caused by the friction between the
  insurance policy and the mortgage."
                           - - - - -
 
* I don't know how many of you have ever heard women testify
  in court, but most seem to feel a compelling need to explain
  each answer.  To remedy this, I suggest a new oath for women:
  "Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing
  but the truth and stop there ?"
                           - - - - -
 
*  Lawyer: "And how far were you from the scene of the accident."
  Witness: "Eight-seven point thirty-eight feet."
   Lawyer: "How is it you can be so exacting with the distance."
  Witness: "I went back and measured it, because I knew some damn
            fool lawyer would ask that very question."
                           - - - - -
 
*   Recently in Howard County Traffic Court a man who received
  an expensive parking ticket testified that a uniformed Howard
  County Policeman had given his OK for the man to park there.
    The Judge asked the man if he would recognize the Officer
  if he ever saw him again, and the man replied that he would.
    The Judge then said, "Good.  When you see the Officer again,
  tell him he owes you $ 57.  Next..."
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 9 Dec 1998 07:04:32 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: The Christmas Angel
 
Santa was very cross. It was Christmas Eve and NOTHING was going
right. Mrs. Claus had burned all the cookies. The elves were
complaining about not getting paid for the overtime they had while
making the toys. The reindeer had been drinking all afternoon and
were dead drunk. To make matters worse, they had taken the sleigh
out for a spin earlier in the day and had crashed it into a tree.
 
Santa was furious. "I can't believe it! I've got to deliver
millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours - all
of my reindeer are drunk, the elves are on strike and I don't even
have a Christmas tree! I sent that stupid Little Angel out HOURS
ago to find a tree and he isn't even back yet! What am I going to
do?"
 
Just then, the Little Angel opened the front door and stepped in
from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree. He says "Yo, fat
man!  Where do you want me to stick the tree this year?"
 
And thus the tradition of angels atop the Christmas trees came to
pass...
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 9 Dec 1998 08:57:39 -0500
From:    Paul Benoit <pbenoit@SPEEDLINETECH.COM>
Subject: Complaint In Trespass
 
Whereas, on or about the night prior to Christmas, there did occur
at a certain improved piece of real property (hereinafter "the
House") a general lack of stirring by all creatures therein,
including, but not limited to a mouse.
 
A variety of foot apparel, e.g. stocking, socks, etc., had been
affixed by and around the chimney in said House in the hope and/or
belief that St. Nick a/k/a/ St. Nicholas a/k/a/ Santa Claus
hereinafter ("Claus") would arrive at sometime thereafter.
 
The minor residents, i.e. the children, of the aforementioned
House, were located in their individual beds and were engaged
in nocturnal hallucinations, i.e. dreams, wherein vision of
confectionery treats, including, but not limited to, candies,
nuts and/or sugar plums, did dance, cavort and otherwise appear
in said dreams.
 
Whereupon the party of the first part (sometimes hereinafter
referred to as "I"), being the joint-owner in fee simple of the
House with the party of the second part (hereinafter "Mamma"), and
said Mamma had retired for a sustained period of sleep.  (At such
time, the parties were clad in various forms of headgear, e.g.
kerchief and cap.)
 
Suddenly, and without prior notice or warning, there did occur upon
the unimproved real property adjacent and appurtenant to said
House, i.e. the lawn, a certain disruption of unknown nature,
cause and/or circumstance.
 
The party of the first part did immediately rush to a window in the
House to investigate the cause of such disturbance.
 
At that time, the party of the first part did observe, with some
degree of wonder and/or disbelief, a miniature sleigh (hereinafter
the "Vehicle") being pulled and/or drawn very rapidly through the
air by approximately eight (8) reindeer. The driver of the Vehicle
appeared to be and in fact was, the previously referenced Claus.
 
Said Claus was providing specific direction, instruction and
guidance to the approximately eight (8) reindeer and specifically
identified the animal co-conspirators by name: Dasher, Dancer,
Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen (hereinafter the
"Deer"). (Upon information and belief, it is further asserted that
an additional co-conspirator named "Rudolph" may have been
involved.)
 
The party of the first part witnessed Claus, the Vehicle and the
Deer intentionally and willfully trespass upon the roofs of several
residences located adjacent to and in the vicinity of the House,
and noted that the Vehicle was heavily laden with packages, toys
and other items of unknown origin or nature. Suddenly, without
prior invitation or permission, either express or implied, the
Vehicle arrived at the House, and Claus entered said House via
the chimney.
 
Said Claus was clad in a red fur suit, which was partially covered
with residue from the chimney, and he carried a large sack
containing a portion of the aforementioned packages, toys, and
other unknown items.
 
He was smoking what appeared to be tobacco in a small pipe in
blatant violation of local ordinances and health regulations.
 
Claus did not speak, but immediately began to fill the stocking of
the minor children, which hung adjacent to the chimney, with toys
and other  small gifts.  (Said items did not, however, constitute
"gifts" to said minor pursuant to the applicable provisions of the
U.S. Tax Code.)
 
Upon completion of such task, Claus touched the side of his nose
and flew, rose and/or ascended up the chimney of the House to the
roof where the Vehicle and Deer waited and/or served as "lookouts."
Claus immediately departed for an unknown destination.
 
However, prior to the departure of the Vehicle, Deer and Claus
from said House, the party of the first part did hear Claus state
and/or exclaim: "Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!"
or words to that effect.
 
Respectfully Submitted,
 
s./   The Grinch
 
                         (via "AIKEN DRUM")
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 9 Dec 1998 08:58:19 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: THE TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS.... SANTA CRUZ STYLE...
 
On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter
festival, my Significant Other in a consenting adult, monogamous
relationship gave to me:
 
TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual
drumming,
 
ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of
members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called
for in their union contract even though they will not be asked to
play a note),
 
TEN melanin deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the
patriarchal ruling class system leaping,
 
NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression,
 
EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing
milk-products from enslaved Bovine-Americans,
 
SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands,
 
SIX enslaved Fowl-Americans producing stolen non-human animal
products,
 
FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic
incarceration,
 
(NOTE after members of the Animal Liberation Front threatened to
throw red paint at my computer, the calling birds, French hens
and partridge have been reintroduced to their native habitat. To
avoid further Animal-American enslavement, the remaining gift
package has been revised.)
 
FOUR hours of recorded whale songs
 
THREE deconstructionist poets
 
TWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree
carcasses and...
 
ONE Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree.
 
Merry Christmas  Happy Chanukah. Good Kwanzaa Oh, heck! Happy
Holiday!!!!
 
* Unless, of course, you are suffering from Seasonally Affected
  Disorder (SAD). If this be the case, please substitute this
  gratuitous call for celebration with a suggestion that you
  have a thoroughly adequate day.
 
          -Thanks to Daryl Hillen
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 9 Dec 1998 14:59:13 EST
From:    Neil Rigby <NRigbyking@AOL.COM>
Subject: Sums
 
A mathematician, an engineer, a statistician and a politician were
all asked what 2+2 was.
 
The mathematician said that it all depended on what the number base
was.
 
The engineer said 4.
 
The statistician said he was 95% sure that the answer lay between
3.95 and 4.05.
 
The politician said, "What would you like it to be?"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 9 Dec 1998 14:43:50 -0500
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@LATTE.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: White House Interns (adult)
 
A news release from the U.S. White House indicates that female
interns must be graduates of one of four institutions of higher
education in the United States. These are Ball State, Morehead
State, Oral Roberts, or Bring'em Young Universities.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 9 Dec 1998 16:15:20 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <Edwards_Bill@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Jokes by Russian  women about men
 
The following two jokes were told to Eleanor Randolph
(Waking the Tempests, 1996) by Russian women.
 
What is a Russian man's idea of foreplay?
"Honey, what's wrong with the television? I think it must be
broken."
 
"He has the 6:30 problem." Meaning he is impotent (visualize an
analog clock).
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 9 Dec 1998 13:47:01 -0700
From:    Sue Birkenseer <Sue@CIRCUSPREPRESS.COM>
Subject: Diary of a snow shoveler
 
Forwarded from a snow-bound friend in Washington
 
December 9: We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow
covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can
there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was
the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years
and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the
sidewalks. This afternoon the snow plow came along and covered up
the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again.
What a perfect life.
 
December 12: The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a
disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely
have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob
says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never
want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such
a nice man. I'm glad he's our neighbor.
 
December 14: Snow, lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature
dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took
my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and
sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon
and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do
quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape
this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.
 
December 15: 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4
Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels.
Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the
electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska,
after all.
 
December 16: Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in
the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed
for an hour, which I think was very cruel.
 
December 17: Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go
anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the
blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and
try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but
won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't
believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.
 
December 20: Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn
stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Goddamn snowplow
came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they
said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called
the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower
and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think
they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it
done and bill me. I think he's lying.
 
December 22: Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more
inches of the white shit fell today, and it's so cold it probably
won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to
go out to shovel and then I had to piss. By the time I got
undressed, pissed and dressed again. I was too tired to shovel.
Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the
winter; but he says he's too busy. I think the asshole is lying.
 
December 23: Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife
wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is
she... nuts??? Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She
says she did but I think she's damn well lying.
 
December 24: 6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, l broke the
shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the
son of a bitch who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the
snow by his balls. I know he hides around the corner and waits for
me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100
miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been!
Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and
open our presents, but I was busy watching for the goddamn
snowplow.
 
December 25: Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the !=3D@x@!x!x1
slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil.
God I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a
donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel.
 
December 26: Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It
was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.
 
December 28: Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. THE BITCH is
driving me crazy!!!
 
December 29: 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or
it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb
does he think I am?
 
December 30: Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for a
million dollars for the bump on his head. The wife went home to her
mother. 9" predicted.
 
December 31: Set fire to what's left of the house. No more
shoveling.
 
January 8: I feel so good. I just love those little white pills
they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 9 Dec 1998 18:05:33 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: The Zoo Keeper (Pun)
 
This is the tale of the Crist family who worked at a zoo.  Each
year they claimed to be able to predict the overall mood of the
year by watching the animals.  In particular, the gnu's who, if
their ears were forward, predicted a successful, joyous year, but
it their ears were laid back flat, predicted a sorrowful,
disastrous year. One year it was young Mary's turn to "survey" the
animals and come up with the prediction.  It was her first time
solo, and in her excitement, she forgot to check on the gnus.
 
Well, she botched it, predicting a bad year, when in fact it was
quite good.  In explanation, the next winter solstice, the local
newspaper ran the following headline...  Mary Crist misses an happy
gnu's ear!
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 10 Dec 1998 09:56:21 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMCLTD.COM>
Subject: Quality <clean>
 
This speaks a lot about the quality of Japanese products and their
quality standards.

They're still laughing about this at IBM. Apparently the computer
giant decided to have some parts manufactured in Japan as a trial
project. In the specifications, they set out that they will accept
three defective parts per 10,000 .
 
When the delivery came in there was an accompanying letter. "We,
Japanese people, had a hard time understanding North American
business practices. But the three defective parts per 10,000 have
been separately manufactured and have been included in the
consignment. Hope this pleases you. "
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 9 Dec 1998 to 10 Dec 1998
***********************************************
 
