HUMOR Digest - 8 Dec 1998 to 9 Dec 1998
There are 13 messages totalling 664 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Empty (Pun)
  2. Science humor (offensive to Toyota)
  3. Baltimore Maryland
  4. The Artist <clean>
  5. Women (adult)
  6. Christmas Carols With A Twist
  7. Married to a Cop <adult>
  8. The Twelve Pains of Christmas
  9. Top5 - 12/8/98 - Things Overheard in Santa's Toyshop
 10. Rules for Dealing with Stray Cats
 11. Christmas Fun from Richard Lederer
 12. Scuba Diving <clean>
 13. Holiday Trivia
 
-------------------------------------------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 7 Dec 1998 23:12:27 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Empty (Pun)
 
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night.  It was her turn,
she rolled the dice and she landed on "Science & Nature."  Her
question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name,
can you hear it?"
 
She thought for a time and then asked... "Is it on or off?"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 8 Dec 1998 08:04:50 +0000
From:    Joe Clark <smooth@BIOCH.OX.AC.UK>
Subject: Science humor (offensive to Toyota)
 
From The New Scientist. Dec 5, 1998, page 96.
Quoted without permission.
 
'The British Automobile Association tells us via the winter edition
of its members' magazine that: "Toyota has employed a scientist to
develop a tree which absorbs carbon dioxide in a bid to improve
global air quality."
 
Feedback predicts success.'

  
Note: For the non-science types --
      all plants (and trees) absorb carbon dioxide.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 8 Dec 1998 03:17:14 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Baltimore Maryland
 
* An unemployed bus driver in Baltimore City was arrested
  for mugging people.  He didn't get much loot though as
  most people didn't have the exact change.
                        - - - - -
 
* A pedestrian in Baltimore City asked a Policeman directions
  to the train station. The cop said, "First, head down North
  Avenue for five blocks.  Then, if ya make it that far..."
                        - - - - -
 
* If you're driving in Baltimore City and see blank bumper
  stickers on cars, they're not old and faded.  It's just
  that the citizens don't want to get involved.
                        - - - - -
 
* The "Baltimore Sun" reported that Baltimore Maryland has the
  highest syphilis rate in the US -- more than double the next
  ranking city. Couple that with the high rate of teen pregnancy
  and I think it's about time to change the City's slogan from
  "The City that Reads" to "The City that Breeds".
                        - - - - -
 
* The former Cleveland Browns football team are now the Baltimore
  Ravens.  I've long suspected that being in Baltimore for any
  length of time affects anybody.  Yesterday the Ravens' kicker,
  Matt Stover, following yet another loss, was quoted as saying,
  "... it all comes down to winning games."
                        - - - - -
 
* Overhead in the Baltimore Museum at an Egyptian exhibit:
   Boy: "The sign on the Mummy sez 2328 BC.  I wonder what
         that means."
  Girl: "Silly !  That's the license number of the truck
         that hit him."
                        - - - - -
 
* Faced with severe manpower shortages, the Baltimore City Fire
  Department began housing older engines in various Fire Houses
  and closed the older stations.  When asked why they didn't
  sell the outdated equipment, Mayor Smoke explained it was his
  idea to use the older engines for false alarms.
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Indexed UGA Humor Digests 1997-1998:
     (text)  www2.crosswinds.net/baltimore/~jimjr
      (zip)  www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
Message Board:
     www.InsideTheWeb.com/mbs.cgi/mb212137
 
To subscribe:
     Send an e-mail to: listserv@listserv.uga.edu
     leave the subject area blank; in the BODY of the
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 8 Dec 1998 13:36:43 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: The Artist <clean>
 
An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in
his paintings on display at that time. "I have good news and bad
news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman
enquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in
value after your death." "When I told him it would, he bought all
15 of your paintings."
 
"That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"
 
"The guy was your doctor..."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 8 Dec 1998 07:17:45 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Women (adult)
 
                 Reflection on life as a male:
 
When I was 14, all I wanted was a girl with large breasts. When I
was 16, I dated a girl with large breasts but there was no passion.
So I decided that I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
 
In college, I dated a passionate girl but she was too emotional.
Everything was an emergency, she was a drama queen, she cried all
the time and threatened suicide.  So then I decided I needed a girl
with some stability.
 
I found a very stable girl, but she was boring. She was totally
predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so
dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.
 
I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She
rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She
did mad, impetuous things and flirted with everyone she met.  She
made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially
and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl
with some ambition.
 
After University, I found a smart, ambitious girl with her feet
planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious
that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
 
Now all I want is a girl with big tits
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 8 Dec 1998 08:55:56 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Christmas Carols With A Twist
 
Deck The Halls
 
See that drag queen his name's Molly.
Fa La La La La La La La La
For 50 bucks he'll make you jolly.
Fa La La La La La La La La
See him in his gay apparel.
Fa La La La La La La La La
You should meet his brother Carol.
Fa La La La La La La La La
     ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 
We  Wish You A Merry Christmas
 
We wish you a happy hearing,
we wish you a happy hearing,
We wish you a happy hearing,
and we hope you make bail!
     ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 
Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer
 
Rudolph the red nosed wino,
Had a very shiny nose,
And if you got too close to him,
He would take off his clothes.
All of the other winos,
Used to laugh and call him names,
They never let poor Rudolph,
Join in any wino games.
Then one chilly Christmas Eve,
Rudolph froze to death in an alley.
End of story.
     -(Thanks to IrisMist)
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 8 Dec 1998 09:00:47 -0500
From:    Paul Benoit <Paul_Benoit@SPEEDLINE.COOKSON.COM>
Subject: Married to a Cop <adult>
 
One final note on the "Twisted Christmas" recording...
Chris assures me it's "Bob Rivers," not Tom.  Thanks!
                 ---------------------------
 
Top 10 signs that you are married to a cop....
 
10. When an argument starts.....he calls for backup.
 9. Refers to the bedroom as "The Pokey."
 8. Calls passing gas the "silent alarm."
 7. Has a secret desire to see you in a Kevlar nightie.
 6. Lots of references to the "old night stick."
 5. Never hear him say "Oh man.....not donuts again!"
 4. Refers to his winkie as the "Breathalyzer"
 3. Stops you during lovemaking to ask if you know
       how fast you were going.
 2. Handcuffs don't turn him on anymore.
 
 and the number one sign you are married to a cop......
 
 1. Yes, that *is* a gun in his pocket!!!!!
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 8 Dec 1998 12:41:58 -0500
From:    rlb <rlb@DORUK.COM.TR>
Subject: The Twelve Pains of Christmas
 
Chorus:
The first thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me
Is finding a Christmas tree.
 
The second thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
Husband (2): Rigging up the lights,
C: And finding a Christmas tree.
 
The third thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
Inebriated man: Hangovers,
2: Rigging up the lights,
C: And finding a Christmas tree.
 
The fourth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
Frustrated man (4): Sending Christmas cards,
3: Hangovers,
2: Rigging up the lights,
C: And finding a Christmas tree.
 
The fifth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
Five months of bills,
4: Sending Christmas cards,
3: Hangovers,
2: Rigging up the lights,
C: And finding a Christmas tree.
 
The sixth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
Frustrated wife (6): Facing my in-laws,
C: Five months of bills,
4: Oh, I hate those Christmas cards,
3: Hangovers,
2: Rigging up these lights,
C: And finding a Christmas tree.
 
The seventh thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
Angry man (7): The Salvation Army,
6: Facing my in-laws,
C: Five months of bills,
4: Sending Christmas cards,
3: Oh, Jeez!
2: I'm trying to rig up these lights!
C: And finding a Christmas tree.
 
The eighth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
Loud kid (8): I WANNA TRANSFORMER FOR CHRISTMAS!
7: Charities
And what do you mean, "your in-laws"?!?
C: Five months of bills,
4: Oh, making out these cards,
3: Edith, get me a beer, huh?
2: What? We have no extension cords?!?
C: And finding a Christmas tree.
 
The ninth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
Another frustrated man (9): No parking spaces,
8: DADDY, I WANT SOME CANDY!!
7: Donations!
6: Facing my in-laws,
C: Five months of bills,
4: Writing out those Christmas cards,
3: Hangovers,
2: Now why the hell are they blinking?!?
C: And finding a Christmas tree.
 
The tenth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
Toy-commercial voice (10): Batteries not included",
9: No parking spaces,
8: BUY ME SOMETHIN'!!!!
7: Get a job, ya bum!!!
6: (sobbing) Oh, facing my in-laws,
C: Five months of bills,
4: Yo, ho! Sending Christmas cards,
3: Oh, Jeez, look at this!
2: One light goes out, they ALL go out!!!
C: And finding a Christmas tree.
 
The eleventh thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
TV Critic (11): Stale TV specials,
10: "Batteries not included",
9: No parking spaces,
8: I GOTTA GO TO THE BATHROOM!!!!
7: Charities!!
6: (sobbing) She's a witch! I hate her!
C: Five months of bills,
4: Oh, I don't even KNOW half these people!
3: Oh, who's got the toilet paper?
2: Get a flashlight!! I blew a fuse!!!
C: And finding a Christmas tree.
 
The twelfth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
A few guys: Singing Christmas Carols,
11: Stale TV specials,
10: "Batteries not included",
9: No parking?
8: WAAAAAAH!!!! WAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!
7: Charities!
6: Gotta make 'em dinner!
C: Five months of bills,
4: I'm not sending them this year, that's it!
3: Shut up, you!
2: FINE!! If you're so smart, YOU RIG UP THE LIGHTS!!!!!
C: And finding a Christmas tree.
 
     -From Twisted Christmas" by Bob Rivers
      http://www.twistedtunes.com/
 
 
http://www.geocities.com/Athens/Ithaca/5309/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 8 Dec 1998 15:38:12 -0500
From:    John Vogel <jvogel@DGS.DGSYS.COM>
Subject: Top5 - 12/8/98 - Things Overheard in Santa's Toyshop
 
       T  H  E     T  O  P     F  I  V  E     L  I  S  T
                        December 8, 1998
         The Top 14 Things Overheard in Santa's Toyshop
 
14> "Y'know, this new Crying Game Barbie just doesn't seem to
     be very popular."
 
13> "Hey, this is a piece of cake compared to some of the gigs
     I've had -- cookies for Keebler, clothes for Kathie Lee,
     shoes for Nike..."
 
12> "I don't care what Santa thinks -- these 'Tickle Me Tripp'
     dolls are downright frightening!"
 
11> "Just toss that broken toy in the barrel marked
     'Non-Christians.'"
 
10> "I'll build toys for the fat bastard, but shaving his
     back hair is where I draw the line."
 
 9> "Santa, we already make dolls that talk, walk, wet, cry,
     whatever... now you want one that blows cigar smoke out
     of its *what*??"
 
 8> "Please, Mrs. Claus, those batteries are for the children's
     toys!!"
 
 7> "Hey, *you* try building a Playstation with nothing but
     antique Victorian woodcarving tools, chubbo!!"
 
 6> "I don't care who the hell he is -- the old geezer pulls
     that 'checking it twice' thing again, I'm suing for
     sexual harassment!"
 
 5> "Alright, which of you smartasses put the weed in the
     EZ Bake Oven brownie mix?!"
 
 4> "OK, The Big Guy says no female elves on the Washington DC
     run this year -- it's a height thing."
 
 3> "Even if you did see it in the Times, we don't make a
     'Poke Your Eye Out Stick.'"
 
 2> "Furby, schmurby -- Just paint the Tickle-Me-Elmos and
     the little brats will never know the difference."
 
   and Top5's Number 1 Thing Overheard In Santa's Toyshop...
 
 1> "Woo-hoo!  C'mon, guys -- it's time to put the finishing
     touches on the dresses for the Monica Lewinsky dolls!!"
 
   [           This list copyright 1998 by Chris White            ]
   [  The Top 5 List   top5@gmbweb.com    http://www.topfive.com  ]
   [      To forward or repost, please include this section.      ]
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 8 Dec 1998 13:50:32 -0700
From:    Sue Birkenseer <Sue@CIRCUSPREPRESS.COM>
Subject: Rules for Dealing with Stray Cats
 
     STRICT, UNBENDING RULES FOR DEALING WITH STRAY CATS
 
 1. Stray cats will not be fed.
 
 2. Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food.
 
 3. Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food
    moistened with a little milk.
 
 4. Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food
    moistened with warm milk, yummy treats and leftover fish
    scraps.
 
 5. Stray cats will not be encouraged to make this house their
    permanent residence.
 
 6. Stray cats will not be petted, played with or picked up and
    cuddled unnecessarily.
 
 7. Stray cats that are petted, played with, picked up and cuddled
    will absolutely not be given a name.
 
 8. Stray cats with or without a name will not be allowed inside
    the house at any time.
 
 9. Stray cats will not be allowed inside the house except at
    certain times.
 
10. Stray cats will not be allowed inside the house except on days
    ending in "y".
 
11. Stray cats allowed inside will not be permitted to jump up on
    or sharpen their claws on the furniture.
 
12. Stray cats will not be permitted to jump up on, or sharpen
    claws on the really good furniture.
 
13. Stray cats will be permitted on all furniture but must sharpen
    claws on new $114.99 sisal-rope cat-scratching post with three
    perches.
 
14. Stray cats will answer the call of nature outdoors in the sand.
 
15. Stray cats will answer the call of nature in the three-piece,
    high-impact plastic tray filled with Fresh'n'Sweet kitty
    litter.
 
16. Stray cats will answer the call of nature in the hooded litter
    pan with a three-panel privacy screen and plenty of head room.
 
17. Stray cats will sleep outside.
 
18. Stray cats will sleep in the garage.
 
19. Stray cats will sleep in the house.
 
20. Stray cats will sleep in a cardboard box lined with an old
    blanket.
 
21. Stray cats will sleep in the special Kitty-Komfort-Bed with
    non-allergenic lamb's wool pillow.
 
22. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed.
 
23. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed, except at
    the foot.
 
24. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed under the
    covers.
 
25. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed under the
    covers except at the foot.
 
26. Stray cats will not play on the desk.
 
27. Stray cats will not play on the desk near the computer.
 
28. Stray cats are forbidden to walk on the computer keyboard on
    the desk when the human is asdfjjhhkl;ljfd.;oier'puyykmm4hbdm9l
    o9jmdskdm,.USING IT.
 
 
          -Forwarded from Katherine Boswell
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 8 Dec 1998 19:08:44 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Christmas Fun from Richard Lederer
 
                        Have a Punny Christmas
                           Richard Lederer
 
If athletes get athlete's foot, astronauts get missile toe.
 
A bird dog could be called a point setter.
 
James Fenimore Cooper wrote about the life of Santa Claus in his
novel The Deer Sleigher.
 
What's the difference between a one-winged angel and a two-winged
angel?
 
                It's a matter of a pinion!
 
It's a matter of my opinion that Yule love the game we're about to
play. In each sentence below, fill in the blank or blanks with an
expression commonly used at Christmastide.  Answers repose at the
end of this column.
 
 1. On December 24, Adam's wife was known as _____ _____.
 
 2. In Charles Dickens's A Christmas Carol, Scrooge was visited by
    the ghost of _____ _____.
 
 3. An opinion survey in Alaska is called a _____ _____.
 
 4. What does Santa Claus do with his three gardens?  _____, _____,
    _____
 
 5. What Christmas message is conveyed by these letters?:
        ABCDEFGHIJKMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ
        ABCDEFGHIJKMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ.  _____, _____
 
 6. When the salt and the pepper say "Hi!" to each other, they are
    passing on _____  _____.
 
 7. A holy man bereft of change could be called _____ _____.
 
 8. When you cross a sheep with a cicada, you get a _____ _____.
 
 9. A quiet medieval armor-wearer is a _____ _____.
 
10. A cat walking on the desert is bound to get _____ _____.
 
11. People who tell jokes on December 25 might be called _____
    _____.
 
12. An airplane disaster in Israel is a _____.
 
13. Actor O'Connor and actress Channing are known on December 25 as
    _____  _____.
 
14. What do Spanish sheep says when they wish each other a Merry
    Christmas?  _____ _____.
 
Meretricious to all!  And don't forget that There's No Plate Like
Chrome for the Hollandaise.
 
 
                     - - - - - - - - - - - -
                              Answers
 
 1. Christmas Eve
 2. Christmas Present
 3. North Poll
 4. Hoe, hoe, hoe.
 5. Noel, Noel (no l, no l)
 6. seasons' greetings.
 7. St. Nickleless.
 8. Bah!  (or Baa!) Humbug!
 9. silent knight
10. sandy claws
11. Christmas cards
12. cresh
13. Christmas Carols
14. Fleece Navidad!
 
 
http://www.pobox.com/~verbivore
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 9 Dec 1998 09:28:58 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMCLTD.COM>
Subject: Scuba Diving <clean>
 
One day a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 ft below sea
level. He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, but he had on no
scuba gear whatsoever.
  
The diver went below another 20 ft, but the guy joined him a few
minutes later.  The diver went below 25 ft, but minutes later, the
same guy joined him.
 
This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof chalk and
board set, and wrote: How the hell are you able to stay under this
deep without equipment?
 
The guy took the board and chalk, erased what the diver had
written, and wrote: I'M  DROWNING, YOU MORON!!!
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 8 Dec 1998 20:38:15 -0800
From:    Keith Sullivan <KSullivan@WORLDNET.ATT.NET>
Subject: Holiday Trivia
 
The average American takes six months to pay off holiday
credit-card bills.
 
Pogonophobia:  the fear of beards.
 
There are currently 78 people named S. Claus living in the U.S. --
and one Kriss Kringle.
 
December is the most popular month for nose jobs.
 
Weight of Santa's sleigh loaded with one Beanie Baby for every kid
on earth:  333,333 tons.
 
Number of reindeer required to pull a 333,333-ton sleigh:
214,206 -- plus Rudolph.
 
Average wage of a mall Santa:  $11 an hour.  With real beard:  $20.
 
To deliver his gifts in one night, Santa would have to make 822.6
visits per second, sleighing at 3,000 times the speed of sound.
 
At that speed, Santa and his reindeer would burst into flame
instantaneously.
 
          -From Us Magazine
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 8 Dec 1998 to 9 Dec 1998
**********************************************
 
