HUMOR Digest - 7 Dec 1998 to 8 Dec 1998
There are 13 messages totalling 615 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. The Hunters (Pun)
  2. Relationships
  3. Extreme Bumper Stickers (mature)
  4. Condoms <adult-ish>
  5. Mars and Venus <adult>
  6. May be offensive to golfers and the very religious
  7. How to Tell if You're a Grinch
  8. New Tricks <poss. off. to rel. fundy's>
  9. Top5 - 12/7/98 - Other NY Times Retractions
 10. The Revival...  (Humor)
 11. Monica's dry cleaner
 12. Take it as a sign
 13. Adages - Do You Know Them? <clean>
 
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Date:    Mon, 7 Dec 1998 00:31:55 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: The Hunters (Pun)
 
Two good Montana buddies were out hunting for a cougar that was
killing their sheep. They staked out an area of the woods near
their fields, and waited. After a while, sure enough, there came
the cougar. They patiently waited until it was close, and then they
both jumped up and shot it at the same time. They couldn't tell
whose bullet had taken the cougar's life!
 
They decided to share the credit, and also to have the cougar
stuffed, and they decided to take turns keeping the stuffed cougar.
However, this arrangement turned out not to be to their liking.
 
Instead, they decided to divide the stuffed cougar in two, and flip
a coin for who would get which end. Bill lost, and ended up with a
mounted trophy of the cougar's rear. So even though shooting the
cougar was a great sporting victory, Bill thought... it was nothing
but a catastrophe.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 7 Dec 1998 04:21:07 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Relationships
 
* In the old days girls would say "Stop it or I'll scream."
  These days, it's "Make it snappy or I'll scram."
                           - - - - -
 
* Marsha has decided to limit herself to only two types of men:
  foreign or domestic.
                           - - - - -
 
* Some girls really don't care if you're a cad or not --
  as long as you have one.
                           - - - - -
 
* I know one Yuppette who sez she only wants gifts that have
  sentimental value -- jewelry, stocks, BMW's...
                           - - - - -
 
* If you ever want a woman to display her "true colors", catch
  her in the morning, before she has a chance to apply make-up.
                           - - - - -
 
* Some of the Yuppettes around the dating scene these days may
  only pick-up a few tokens of affection here and there, while
  others strike it big -- but it's steady work.
                           - - - - -
 
*   The young man was contrite as he confessed to his steady girl
  that he was seeing a therapist.
    "That's nothing." she replied.  "I'm seeing a therapist, two
  engineers, a plumber and a doctor."
                           - - - - -
 
* As they separated for colleges in different states, the girl
  noticed her beau's attention waning.  He came to visit her
  one weekend though after she sent him a copy of her college
  newspaper with three articles clipped out of it.
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Indexed UGA Humor Digests 1997-1998:
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      (zip)  www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 7 Dec 1998 07:28:07 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Extreme Bumper Stickers (mature)
 
    Choose your favourite rude one!
 
  1. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
  2. Support Cannibalism - EAT ME!
  3. God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier.
  4. I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit.
  5. I wasn't born a bitch. Men like you made me this way.
  6. Keep honking while I reload.
  7. Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot either!
  8. Who were the beta testers for Preparations A through G?
  9. Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
 10. 5 days a week my body is a temple. The other two, it's an
     amusement park.
 11. EARTH FIRST! We'll strip-mine the other planets later.
 12. Your child may be an honor student but you're still an idiot.
 13. If you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people.
 14. If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.
 15. Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes.
 16. Whitewater is over when the First Lady sings.
 17. Jack Kevorkian for White House physician.
 18. Just say no! to sex with pro-lifers.
 19. My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her...
     or something like that.
 20. Sure you can trust the government! Just ask an Indian!
 21. Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.
 22. If we are what we eat; I'm cheap, fast, and easy.
 23. Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 7 Dec 1998 15:37:23 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Condoms <adult-ish>
 
A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist
if he sells size extra large condoms.
 
He replies, "Yes we do.  Would you like to buy some?"
 
She responds, "No, but do you mind if I wait around here
until someone does?
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 7 Dec 1998 08:41:17 -0500
From:    Lee_Bradley <lbradley@VALDOSTA.EDU>
Subject: Mars and Venus <adult>
 
This just in from the ELF:
 
One of life's great mysteries, solved at last!!
What a woman says:
 
 "This place is a mess!  C'mon,
 you and I need to clean up.
 Your stuff is lying on the floor
 and you'll have no clothes
 to wear if we don't do laundry
 right now!"
 
 What a man hears:
 
 blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON
 blah, blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I
 blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR
 blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES
 blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW!
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 7 Dec 1998 07:52:20 -0600
From:    Fred <fredb@LINKUP.NET>
Subject: May be offensive to golfers and the very religious
 
A golfer hit his drive on the first hole 300 yards right down the
middle. When it came down, however, it hit a sprinkler and the ball
went straight sideways into the woods. He was angry but he went
into the woods and hit a very hard 2 iron which hit a tree and
bounced back straight at him. It hit him in the temple and killed
him.
 
He was at the pearly gates and St. Peter looked at the big book and
said, I see you were a golfer, is that correct?
 
Yes, I am, he replied.
 
St Peter then said, do you hit the ball a long way?

 
The golfer replied, yes, I got here in 2.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 7 Dec 1998 09:33:49 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: How to Tell if You're a Grinch
 
This is a set of essential personality tests to prepare you
misfit readers for Christmas and your New Year's resolutions:
 
 1. You reuse last year's Christmas cards and send them out under
    your own name (5 points).
 2. You steal light bulbs from you neighbor's outdoor display to
    replenish your own supply (5 points, 10 if neighbor's whole
    light sets or lighted Santa goes out).
 3. You have dressed a dog or cat as Santa Claus, elf helper, or
    reindeer (10 points for each; if you dressed an endangered
    species, 5 extra points).
 4. You put out last year's stale candy canes for children (1 point
    for each piece of sticky candy). If you put out a chocolate or
    marzipan Santa also, add 10 points.
 5. You enclose a shoddy and inferior gift from Target, Walmart, or
    K-Mart in a Bloomingdale's or other prestige box to impress
    your friends (5 points for each infraction).
 6. You make collect long distance phone calls to your family on
    Christmas day (5 points, 10 if from a cell phone), claiming you
    are stuck in a phone booth.
 7. At the office Christmas party, you horde huge stockpiles of
    goodies for later consumption at home (5 points; 15 points if
    you use this stuff for your own party).
 8. You steal the wreath from a parked car to use on your own
    (Southern California only, others ignore: 5 points -- nobody
    but Angelenos are dumb enough to dress a car).
 9. After an invitation to a friend's house, you bring a
    commercially produced fruitcake and try to pass it off as home
    made (5 points; 15 points if the fruitcake is from last year).
10. Any stealing from the Toys-for-Tots collection bins is a
    definite no-no (20 points).
 
Evaluate your score on the "Grinch Scale" from 20 to 100.
 
20-30:  You are just a cheeseball.
30-50:  You are an apprentice in Yuletide larceny and are probably
        wanted by the police for overdue parking tickets.
50-100: Grinch, move over. The Meyer Lansky of Christmas crime has
        arrived.
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 7 Dec 1998 11:27:20 -0500
From:    Paul Benoit <pbenoit@SPEEDLINETECH.COM>
Subject: New Tricks <poss. off. to rel. fundy's>
  
NOTE:  My post on Friday, 12/04/98, "THE RESTROOM DOOR
       SAID GENTLEMEN" was pointed out to me as being part
       of a recording entitled "Twisted Christmas",
       probably by the "Tom Rivers Comedy Group."
       ----------------------------------------------------
 
This fundamentalist Christian couple felt it important to own an
equally fundamentally Christian pet. So, they went shopping. At a
kennel specializing in this particular breed, they found a dog they
liked quite a lot.
 
When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a flash.
When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he complied equally
fast, using his paws with dexterity. They were impressed, purchased
the animal, and went home (piously, of course).
 
That night they had friends over. They were so proud of their new
fundamentalist dog and his major skills, they called the dog and
showed off a little. The friends were impressed, and asked whether
the dog was able to do any of the usual dog tricks, as well. This
stopped the couple cold, as they hadn't thought about 'normal'
tricks. "Well," they said, "let's try this out."
 
Once more they called out to the dog, and then clearly pronounced
the command, "Heel!"
 
Quick as a wink, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the man's
forehead, closed his eyes in concentration, and bowed his head.
               ----------------------------
 
Q. How many TV evangelists does it take to change a light bulb?
A. One, but for the message of light to continue send in your
   donation today.
              ------------------------------
 
Q: How many born-again Christians does it take to change a
   lightbulb?
A: One to change the bulb and about 500 to go outside and
   shout "I've seen the light!"
 
          -via "AIKEN DRUM"
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 7 Dec 1998 12:57:00 -0500
From:    John Vogel <jvogel@DGS.DGSYS.COM>
Subject: Top5 - 12/7/98 - Other NY Times Retractions
 
       T  H  E     T  O  P     F  I  V  E     L  I  S  T
                        December 7, 1998
 
                  The Top 13 Other Retractions
                 Printed by the NY Times in 1998
 
13> "Correction: The cookie recipe in question cost $350, not
     $250 as previously reported."
 
12> "Earlier this year, the Times mistakenly reported that
     software magnate Bill Gates is a money-hungry, maladapted,
     socially awkward loser.  He is, in fact, a bloodsucking
     cob-nobbler.  The Times regrets the error."
 
11> "We wish to apologize for calling the former Australian
     Prime minister, Paul Keating, the lowest slime-ball in
     the country.  We meant in THEIR country."
 
10> "Due to a typographical error yesterday, we mistakenly
     printed the entire Wall Street Journal under our banner.
     It should have been the Washington Post.  Sorry."
 
 9> "Okay, so it was a blue dress, not a red skirt.  Get off
     our backs already!"
 
 8> "In Thursday's edition of the Times, we erroneously reported
     the stories of five people who experienced bad luck as a
     result of not forwarding an e-mail message..."
 
 7> "This mistake will never happen again.  We apologize to the
     Top 5 subscribers, contributors and the list moderator,
     Chris Whitewater."
 
 6> "Recently, pop singer George Michael was caught masturbating
     in a public restroom yesterday.  He was not, as reported
     in this newspaper, actually choking a chicken."
 
 5> "It has come to the attention of the Times that disk jockey
     Fred LeFebvre of KISS-FM in Toledo was not actually the
     recipient of a MacArthur 'Genius Grant.'"
 
 4> "Evidently, there are no Klingons on Uranus after all.
     Sorry for the confusion."
 
 3> "Our article describing O.J. Simpson as 'slashing out' over
     the prospect of losing his children contained a regrettable
     typo..."
 
 2> "As it turns out, the Banana Republic dictatorship is
     actually just a clothing store."
 
            and Top5's Number 1 Other Retraction
            Printed by the NY Times in 1998...
 
 1> "Miss Lewinsky did not give the President a snow job,
     as reported in some editions yesterday."
 
 
   [           This list copyright 1998 by Chris White            ]
   [  The Top 5 List   top5@gmbweb.com    http://www.topfive.com  ]
   [      To forward or repost, please include this section.      ]
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 7 Dec 1998 14:08:57 -0500
From:    Jim Mica <jmica@ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: The Revival...  (Humor)
 
The Methodist minister said, "The revival worked out great for
us! We gained four new families."
 
The Baptist preacher said, "We did better than that! We gained
six new families."
 
The Presbyterian pastor said, "Well, we did even better than
that! We got rid of our 10 biggest trouble makers!"
 
               -Source: Unknown
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 7 Dec 1998 14:19:45 -0700
From:    Janelle Barker <jbarker@HOLLY.COLOSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Monica's dry cleaner
 
Even with all the focus on the Clinton scandal, very few people
know about Monica's dry cleaner.  He is a very old man, who has run
an honest business of dry cleaning for over 50 years.  Although he
is in excellent physical shape, his hearing has weakened a bit
through the years.  In fact, just last week Monica came into his
dry cleaning shop to have another dress cleaned.
 
"I HAVE ANOTHER DRESS FOR YOU TO CLEAN," Monica shouted at the old
man.
 
"Eh?  What?  Come again?" The poor old man can hardly hear a thing.
 
Monica answered, "NO, THIS TIME IT'S MUSTARD."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 8 Dec 1998 04:19:20 GMT
From:    Catweasel <catweasel@CATWEASEL.ORG>
Subject: Take it as a sign
 
               		At the shops:
 
The Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES:  PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN
THE LIGHT GOES OUT
 
A London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS
 
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES ETC.
WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
 
A health food shop:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS
 
English sign in a German cafe:
MOTHERS, PLEASE WASH YOUR HANS BEFORE EATING
 
OUT TO LUNCH: IF NOT BACK BY FIVE, OUT FOR DINNER ALSO
 
A repair shop:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING.
(PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)
 
ANYONE LEAVING THEIR GARMENTS HERE FOR MORE THAN 30 DAYS WILL BE
DISPOSED OF.
 
PLEASE DO NOT SMOKE NEAR OUR PETROL PUMPS.  YOUR LIFE MAY NOT BE
WORTH MUCH BUT OUR PETROL IS
 
 
               		At the office:
 
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT
BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN
 
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN
ON THE DRAINING BOARD
 
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW
 
 
               		Remember the Sabbath:
 
Notice sent to residents of a Wiltshire parish:
DUE TO INCREASING PROBLEMS WITH LETTER LOUTS AND VANDALS WE MUST
ASK ANYONE WITH RELATIVES BURIED IN THE GRAVEYARD TO DO THEIR BEST
TO KEEP THEM IN ORDER
 
On a church door:
THIS IS THE GATE OF HEAVEN.  ENTER YE ALL BY THIS DOOR. THIS DOOR
IS KEPT LOCKED BECAUSE OF THE DRAUGHT.  (PLEASE USE SIDE DOOR.)
 
 
               		Local bureaucrats:
 
A new town hall which was to be opened by the Prince of Wales:
THE TOWN HALL IS CLOSED UNTIL OPENING.
IT WILL REMAIN CLOSED AFTER BEING OPENED.
OPEN TOMORROW.
 
Sign warning of quicksand:
QUICKSAND. ANY PERSON PASSING THIS POINT WILL BE DROWNED.
BY ORDER OF THE DISTRICT COUNCIL.
 
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS
 
 
               		Out and about:
 
A disco:
SMARTS IS THE MOST EXCLUSIVE DISCO IN TOWN. EVERYONE WELCOME
 
A safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR
 
Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY
CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR
 
 
               		Down on the farm:
 
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL
CHARGES
 
BEWARE!  I SHOOT EVERY TENTH TRESPASSER AND THE NINTH ONE HAS JUST
LEFT
 
 
http://www.catweasel.org
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 8 Dec 1998 09:57:02 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMCLTD.COM>
Subject: Adages - Do You Know Them? <clean>
 
 1. All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly
    auriferous.
 
    ANS:   All that Glitters is not Gold.
 
 2. Sorting on the part of mendicants must be interdicted.
 
    ANS:   Beggars cannot be choosers.
 
 3. Male cadavers are incapable of rendering any testimony.
 
    ANS:   Dead men tell no tales.
 
 4. Neophite's serendipity.
 
    ANS:   Beginner's luck
 
 5. A revolving lithic conglomerate accumulates no congeries of
    small, green, biophytic plant. (too good)
 
    ANS:   A Rolling Stone gathers no Moss.
 
 7. Members of an avian species of identical plumage tend to
    congregate.
 
    ANS:   Birds of a feather flock together.
 
 8. Pulchritude possesses solely cutaneous profundity.
 
    ANS:   Beauty is only skin-deep.
 
 9. Freedom from incrustations of crime is contiguous to rectitude.
 
    ANS:   Cleanliness is next to Godliness.
 
10. It is fruitless to become lachrymose of precipitately departed
    lactile fluid.
 
    ANS:   Dont cry over Spilt Milk.
 
12. Eschew the implement of correction and vitiate the scion.
 
    ANS:   Spare the Rod and Spoil the Child.
 
13. The stylus is more potent than the rapier.
 
    ANS:The Pen is Mightier than the Sword.
 
14. It is fruitless to attempt to indoctrinate a superannuated
    canine with innovative maneuvers.
 
    ANS:   You cant teach an Old Dog new Tricks.
 
15. Surveillance should precede saltation.
 
    ANS:   Look before you leap.
 
16. Scintillate, scintillate, asteroid minim. (not a proverb)
 
    ANS:   Twinkle twinkle little star
 
17. The person presenting the ultimate cachinnation possesses
    thereby the optimal cachinnation.
 
    ANS:   One who laughs the last,laughs the best.
 
18. Exclusive dedication to necessitous chores without interludes
    of hedonistic diversion renders John a hebetudinous fellow.
 
    ANS:   All work and No Play makes Jack (?) a Dull boy.
 
19. Individuals who make their abodes in vitreous edifices would be
    advised to refrain from catapulting petrious projectiles.
 
    ANS:   Those who live Glass Houses should cast no stones.
 
20. Where there are visible vapors having their provenance in
    ignited carbonaceous materials, there is conflagration.
 
    ANS:   Where there is smoke,there will be fire.
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 7 Dec 1998 to 8 Dec 1998
**********************************************
 
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