HUMOR Digest - 6 Dec 1998 to 7 Dec 1998
There are 8 messages totalling 267 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. These Days
  2. A Christman Card from Santa
  3. A Couple of Smiles (off. to lawyers & dinosaurs)
  4. The Rookie
  5. EEO or ADA requirements
  6. Having a good time <clean>
  7. Venting about contempoary life
  8. An Important Discovery <adult>
 
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Date:    Sun, 6 Dec 1998 04:10:34 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: These Days
 
* These days a club exclusively for women is where you knock
  after you enter.
                        - - - - -
 
* I saw an ad in the paper the other day for a battery charger.
  At the bottom of the ad it said, "Batteries not included".
                        - - - - -
 
* I worry about hospitals.  How can you expect to get better in
  a place that calls what you had for lunch "Swiss Steak" ?
                        - - - - -
 
* Ya know I'd feel far more confident about the US Government
  insuring my bank account if they weren't umpteen trillion
  dollars in debt.
                        - - - - -
 
* There's talk in Washington of downsizing the Government too,
  the way private industry is currently doing in the US.  But
  before y'all cheer, understand, they're talking about closing
  16 of the 50 states.
                        - - - - -
 
*   It was a messy divorce.  The wife had charged adultery and
  paraded a dozen witness in front of the Judge.  Each witness
  reluctantly testified in great detail.  The wife was awarded
  a hefty amount of alimony. At the end of the trial the former
  husband just smiled at her.
    "What are you smiling about, you idiot ?  I just took you
  for a bundle." she stormed.
    "Yeah, I guess you did." he replied, grinning wider. "But a
  movie producer in the courtroom offered me 10 million for the
  rights to the screenplay.  And "The Enquirer" just bought the
  rights to the transcript for another five million."
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Indexed UGA Humor Digests 1997-1998:
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      (zip)  www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
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Date:    Sun, 6 Dec 1998 09:59:44 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: A Christman Card from Santa
 
I'm sending this card to tell you
That taxes have taken away
The things that I really needed --
My workshop, my reindeer, my sleigh,
 
Now I'm making my rounds on a jackass,
He's old, he's crippled, he's slow,
So you'll know if I don't see you at Xmas,
It's 'cause I'm out on my ass in the snow.
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 6 Dec 1998 11:07:40 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: A Couple of Smiles (off. to lawyers & dinosaurs)
  
A New York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates.
Saint Peter asks him "What have you done to merit entrance into
Heaven?"
 
The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a
quarter to a homeless person on the street."
 
Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record and after
a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true. Saint Peter said, 
"Well, that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you
into Heaven."
 
The Lawyer said, "Wait, Wait! There's more! Three years ago I also
gave a homeless person a quarter."
 
Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back
affirming this too had been verified. Saint Peter then whispered to
Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?"
 
Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint
Peter, "Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to
Hell."
               - - - - - - - - - - - -
 
Q: What do you call a gay dinosaur?
A: A Megasorass
 
Q: What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
A: Likalotapuss
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 6 Dec 1998 13:55:23 -0600
From:    RANEBOUX <wett@GS.VERIO.NET>
Subject: The Rookie
 
A rookie police officer was assigned to ride in a cruiser with an
experienced partner. A call came over the car's radio telling them
to disperse some people who were loitering. The officers drove to
the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner.
 
The rookie rolled down his window and said, "Let's get off the
corner."
 
No one moved, so he barked again, "Let's get off the corner!"
 
Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled
glances in his direction. Proud of his first official act, the
young policeman turned to his partner and asked, "Well, how did
I do?"
 
"Pretty good," replied the veteran, "especially since this was a
bus stop."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 6 Dec 1998 19:43:40 -0500
From:    "Dexter E. Gulledge" <gulledge@MAIL.PTDPROLOG.NET>
Subject: EEO or ADA requirements
 
The passengers on a commercial airliner have been seated and are
awaiting the cockpit crew to get them under way.  A murmur is heard
in the back of the plane, and a few passengers on the aisle glance
back to see the pilot and copilot, both wearing large, dark
sunglasses, making their way up to the cockpit.  However, the pilot
is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right & left as he
stumbles down the aisle, and the copilot is using a seeing-eye
guide dog.
 
As they pass by the rows of passengers there are nervous giggles
heard, as people are thinking that it must be some sort of
practical joke.  But a few minutes after the cockpit door has
closed behind them the engines start spooling up and the airplane
taxis out to the runway.
 
The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering
among themselves and shifting uneasily or gripping the armrests
more tightly.  As the airplane starts accelerating rapidly, people
begin panicking.  Some passengers are praying, and as the plane
gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, passengers become
more and more hysterical!  Finally, when the airplane has only a
few seconds of runway left, the shouts of horror fill the cabin as
everyone screams at once, but at the very last moment the airplane
lifts off and is airborne!!!
 
Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns
to the Captain: "You know, one of these days the passengers are
going to scream too late, and we're gonna get killed!"
 
 
          - Forwarded by Roland Reed
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 6 Dec 1998 20:29:21 -0800
From:    Steven & Susan <sgarrett@NWRAIN.COM>
Subject: Having a good time <clean>
 
A pissed off wife was complaining about her husband spending
all his time at the pub, so one night he took her along.
 
"What'll ya have?" he asked.
 
"Oh, I don't know.  The same as you I suppose," she replied.
 
So the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw
his down in one go.  His wife watched him, then took a sip
from her glass and immediately spat it out.
 
"Yuck, it's nasty poison!" she spluttered. "I don't know how
you can drink this stuff!"
 
"Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm
out enjoying myself every night!"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 6 Dec 1998 23:23:01 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Venting about contempoary life
 
This holiday season, please remember the needy and unemployed,
especially those poor NBA players.
 
I don't mean to be ugly, but who wore the dress at Dennis Rodman's
wedding?
 
The week before Thanksgiving I overheard recent college grad asking
her secretary, "Is Thanksgiving on Thursday this year?"
 
I'd rather have a friend like Linda Tripp than a husband like Bill
Clinton.
 
And I wouldn't want either.
 
I for one don't object to Clinton leaving the country. It's the
fact that he keeps coming back that bothers me.
 
All generalizations are false, including this one.
 
Barney make me glad that dinosaurs are extinct.
 
Older people are younger today than older people were when we were
young.
 
I'm at a place somewhere between "haste makes waste" and "he who
hesitates is lost."
 
 
Source: http://www.accessatlanta.com/news/thevent
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 7 Dec 1998 11:12:15 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMCLTD.COM>
Subject: An Important Discovery <adult>
 
A recent  medical survey found that the average penis is six inches
long,while the  average vagina is eight inches deep.  That means
that there are over 150,000 miles of unused pussy in the world!!!
 
What a WASTE!
 
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End of HUMOR Digest - 6 Dec 1998 to 7 Dec 1998
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