HUMOR Digest - 4 Dec 1998 to 5 Dec 1998
There are 11 messages totalling 677 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Encounters
  2. Martha Stewart's Holiday Calendar
  3. Assorted Smiles (some mature)
  4. Restroom Door
  5. 'Twas the Night Before Xmas - Dieter's Version
  6. Weird Business News #10 (2nd of 3)
  7. Internet Outage *wink, wink*
  8. insurance <clean>
  9. Saint Peter (Pun)
 10. Money
 11. 12 days of Christmas
 
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Date:    Fri, 4 Dec 1998 03:04:11 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Encounters
 
* When we first moved to Glenelg Maryland I was really quite
  impressed with the locals.  Everywhere I went, it was "Howdy
  Neighbor"...  that is until I walked into the local bank to
  cash a check, then, it was "Good Morning Stranger."
                           - - - - -
 
* When my daughter, Sandy, was quite young we stopped by the
  beauty shop to pick-up Mrs JimJr.  She wasn't quite ready, so
  we sat down and waited.  Without any warning, Sandy goes over
  to Mrs JimJr's stylist and blurts out, "My Daddy says you're
  a fairy. May I see your magic wand ?"
                           - - - - -
 
*   A lil' Yuppette was picked-up in a bar by an artist who took
  her to his condo to show her his paintings.  The next day a
  friend asked her how it went.
    "Not quite as I expected." the Yuppette replied. "He sold
  me $250 worth of his paintings."
                           - - - - -
 
* I was interviewing college students for the State Highway to
  set-up and run our new CAD system.  A candidate from Vassar
  submitted her resume, complete with an attached genealogical
  chart.  I told her that while her ancestry was indeed quite
  impressive, we were interested in hiring someone to run the
  new CAD system, not breed.
                           - - - - -
 
*   Shopping for an upgrade, the perky lil' salesgirl seemed very
  intent on me trying an Apple, instead of a PC.  As she extolled
  the virtues of the machine, I happened to glance down at her
  name-tag.
    When I saw her name was "Eve", I beat a hasty retreat from the
  store.  I mean ain't no way I was gonna be held responsible for
  starting THAT all over again.
                           - - - - -
 
*   A stuffy old dowager was explaining to the Jewish florist how
  she wanted the flowers arranged at the DAR (Daughters of the
  American Revolution) meeting to celebrate the signing of the
  Declaration of Independence.  "Actually," she said, "one of my
  ancestors was present at the presentation of the document to
  the Congress."
    "How very nice." replied the florist. "One of my mine was
  present at the presentation of the Ten Commandments to the
  world."
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Indexed UGA Humor Digests 1997-1998:
     (text)  www2.crosswinds.net/baltimore/~jimjr
      (zip)  www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
Message Board:
     www.InsideTheWeb.com/mbs.cgi/mb212137
 
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 4 Dec 1998 06:01:03 -0500
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@LATTE.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Martha Stewart's Holiday Calendar
 
December 1
Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey.  Spray paint gold, turn
upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas Cards.
 
December 2
Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for
answering machine.
 
December 3
Using candlewick and handgilded miniature pine cones, fashion
cat-o-nine-tails. Flog Gardener.
 
December 4
Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.
 
December 5
Get new eyeglasses.  Grind lenses myself.
 
December 6
Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for
consideration.
 
December 7
Debug Windows '95
 
December 10
Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.
 
December 11
Lay Faberge egg.
 
December 12
Take Dog apart. Disinfect.  Reassemble.
 
December 13
Collect Dentures.  They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly
for decorative pie crusts.
 
December 14
Install plumbing in gingerbread house.
 
December 15
Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade "holiday scents" in case
tires are shot out at mall.
 
December 17
Child proof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire.
 
December 19
Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be same
height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.
 
December 20
Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner's sugar
to add a festive sparkle to the pasture.
 
December 21
Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and
cinnamon sticks.
 
December 22
Float votive candles in toilet tank.
 
December 23
Seed clouds for white Christmas.
 
December 24
Do my annual good deed.  Go to several stores.  Be seen engaged in
last minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less
inadequate than they really are.
 
December 25
Bear son.  Swaddle.  Lay in color coordinated manger scented with
homemade potpourri.
 
December 26
Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.
 
December 27
Build snowman in exact likeness of God.
 
December 31
New Year's Eve!   Give staff their resolutions.  Call a friend in
each time zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that
country.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 4 Dec 1998 07:24:28 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Assorted Smiles (some mature)
 
A man named Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle with
two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and asks,
"What's in the bags?"
 
"Sand," answers Juan to which the guard replies, "We'll just see
about that..." The guard takes the bags, rips them apart, empties
them out and finds nothing but sand. He detains Juan overnight and
has the sand analyzed, but discovers that it really is nothing but
pure sand.
 
Finally, the guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags,
hefts them onto the man's shoulders and lets him cross the border.
 
A week later, the same thing happens, Juan approaches the border on
his bicycle with two bags of sand. The guard asks him, "What have
you got?" and Juan replies, "Sand." Again the guard does a thorough
examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand.
He gives the sand back to Juan, who crosses the border.
 
This sequence is repeated every day for several months until
finally the guard is sitting in a Cantina in Mexico and Juan walks
in. "Hey, Buddy," says the guard to Juan, "I know you're smuggling
something... It's been driving me crazy. It's all I think about! I
can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"
 
Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."
                    - - - - - - - - -
 
                    Let There Be Peace
 
A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a
junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement
in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began. The very
next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school
enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash
can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after
day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take
some action.
 
The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists
as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said,
"You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your
exuberance like that. In fact, I use to do the same thing when I
was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar
if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing." he
kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the
trashcans. After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again,
but this time he had a sad smile on his face. "This recession's
really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now
on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans."
 
The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they did accept his
offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the
wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down
the street. "Look," he said, "I haven't received my Social Security
check yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25
cents. Will that be okay?"
 
"A lousy quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're
going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter,
you're nuts! No way, mister. We quit!" And the old man enjoyed
peace and serenity for the rest of his days.
                    - - - - - - - - -
 
                Australian Entrepreneurs
 
Australian Police have been unable to recommend a prosecution for
the following scam: A company takes out a newspaper advertisement
claiming to be able to supply imported hard core pornographic
videos. As their prices seem reasonable, people place orders and
make payments via check. After several weeks, the company writes
back explaining that under the present law they are unable to
supply the materials and do not wish to be prosecuted. So they
return their customers' money in the form of a company check.
 
However, due to the name of the company, few people will present
these checks to their banks. The name of the company: "The Anal
Sex and Fetish Perversion Company"
                    - - - - - - - - -
 
In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy
suddenly started massaging the back of the person in front of him.
Surprised, the man in front turned and snarled, "Just what the hell
you are doing?"
 
"Well," said the guy, "you see, I'm a chiropractor and I could see
that you were tense, so I had to massage your back. Sometimes I
just can't help practicing my art!"
 
"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!" the guy replied. "I
work for the IRS. Do you see me screwing the guy in front of me?"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 4 Dec 1998 09:33:53 -0500
From:    Paul Benoit <pbenoit@SPEEDLINETECH.COM>
Subject: Restroom Door
 
          THE RESTROOM DOOR SAID GENTLEMEN
          (Tune: "God Rest Ye Merry, Gentlemen")
  
The restroom door said "Gentleman"
And so I walked inside,
I took two steps and realized
I'd been taken for a ride,
I heard high voices, turned
and found the place was occupied,
By two nuns, three old ladies and a nurse,
What could be worse
Than two old nuns, three old ladies and a nurse...
 
The restroom door said "gentlemen"
It must have been a gag,
As soon as I walked in there
I saw an old hag,
She sprayed me with a can of mace
And slapped me with her bag,
I could tell this just wouldn't be my day,
What can I say?
This just wasn't turning out to be my day...
 
The restroom door said "gentlemen"
And I would like to find,
That crummy little creep
Who had the nerve to switch the sign,
'Cause I have two black eyes
And one big bruise on my behind,
So I can't sit with comfort and joy
Boy, oh boy,
No, I'll never sit with comfort and joy.


             -Source: CD album "Twisted Christmas"
        Performed by: Bob Rivers & Twisted Radio
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 4 Dec 1998 10:15:25 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: 'Twas the Night Before Xmas - Dieter's Version
 
'Twas the night before Christmas and all round my hips
Were Fannie May candies that sneaked past my lips.
Fudge brownies were stored in the freezer with care
In hopes that my thighs would forget they were there.
 
While Mama in her my girdle and I in chin straps
Had just settled down to sugar-borne naps.
When out in the pantry there arose such a clatter
I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.
 
Away to the kitchen I flew like a flash
Tore open the icebox then threw up the sash.
The marshmallow look of the new-fallen snow
Sent thoughts of a binge to my body below.
 
When what to my wandering eyes should appear:
A marzipan Santa with eight chocolate reindeer!
That huge chunk of candy so luscious and slick
I knew in a second that I'd wind up sick.
 
The sweet-coated Santa, those sugared reindeer
I closed my eyes tightly but still I could hear;
On Pritzker, on Stillman, on weak one, on TOPS
A Weight Watcher dropout from sugar detox.
 
From the top of the scales to the top of the hall
Now dash away pounds now dash away all.
Dressed up in Lane Bryant from my head to nightdress
My clothes were all bulging from too much excess.
 
My droll little mouth and my round little belly
They shook when I laughed like a bowl full of jelly.
I spoke not a word but went straight to my work
Ate all of the candy then turned with a jerk.
 
And laying a finger beside my heartburn
I gave a quick nod toward the bedroom I turned.
I eased into bed, to the heavens I cry
If temptation's removed I'll get thin by and by.
 
And I mumbled again as I turned for the night
In the morning I'll starve... 'til I take that first bite!
 
          -----------------------------
And, from Barb & Joel, Murphy & Edgrr  Kent, WA:
 
One more reason Santa has to be a man:  No woman is going to wear
the same outfit, year after year.
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 4 Dec 1998 11:07:24 -0600
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Weird Business News #10 (2nd of 3)
 
     Copied from Houston Chronicle Columnist, Jim Barlow:
          Military keeps going and going ...
 
Our Longest Reach for a Tie-In Award to Battery Council
International for the following news release headline:
"Lead-acid batteries behind the scenes in Middle East Military
Standoff. Because lead batteries are at work, planes and ships
are ready for combat."
 
Best Fashion Statement: Cremation jewelry.
 
The Best Question Asked Award to Houston radio station KRTS-FM for:
"Classical music makes college students smarter and cows give more
milk. What can it do for you?"
 
Our Mixed Messages Awards to the person driving on Kirby one
morning last month in a car with three anti-death-penalty bumper
stickers -- speeding through a school zone.
 
Things nonreaders of this column might never know: It takes twice
as much to own and operate a Chevrole Metro as it does a Mercedes
320S, according to Runzheimer International.
 
Best Unofficial Company Slogan -- Not At My Company Division:
"Scum always floats to the top."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 4 Dec 1998 09:56:11 -0800
From:    "Fong, Dara" <dara_fong@USCS.COM>
Subject: Internet Outage *wink, wink*
 
I apologize for the short notice for this important announcement.
 
The Internet Headquarters management has granted the request from
the Network Administrator's Union to close the Internet on December
11, so that the Internet's administrators can all attend the
premiere of the movie "Star Trek IX: Insurrection."

To this end, the Internet will be turned off starting at 12:01 PM
GMT (7:01 AM EDT) on December 11, and will be turned back on again
exactly 24 hours later.
 
All Internet service providers are urged to inform their clients of
this necessary closure. If your clients have any questions, point
them to http://www.arpanet.gov for background information and
updates.
 
Again, I apologize for having to close the Internet for this
period, but the network administrators need this time off to
research new geeky signature quotes.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 4 Dec 1998 17:54:03 -0800
From:    Steven & Susan <sgarrett@NWRAIN.COM>
Subject: insurance <clean>
 
Larry's barn burned down and his wife, Susan, called the insurance
company. Susan told the insurance company, "We had that barn
insured for fifty thousand and I want my money."
 
The agent replied, "Whoa there, just a minute, Susan. Insurance
doesn't work quite like that. We will ascertain the value of what
was insured and provide you with a new one of comparable worth."
 
There was a long pause before Susan replied, "Then I'd like to
cancel the policy on my husband."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 4 Dec 1998 19:54:16 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Saint Peter (Pun)
 
Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find
themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter heaven. On entering
they are told that they must present something "Christmassy." in
order to get in.
 
The first man searches his pocket, and finds some pine needles from
the family's Christmas tree. He is let it.
 
The second man presents a bow and some ribbon, from presents that
were opened earlier in that night. So he is also allowed in.
 
The third man pulls out a pair of panties.  Confused at this last
gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do these represent Christmas?"
 
To which he replies, "Oh... They're Carol's."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 4 Dec 1998 22:48:46 -0600
From:    RANEBOUX <wett@GS.VERIO.NET>
Subject: Money

Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for
an accountant. Now he was being interviewed by a very nervous man
who ran a small business that he had started himself.
 
"I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said. "But
mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me."
 
"Excuse me?" the accountant said.
 
"I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want to
have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money
worries off my back."
 
"I see," the accountant said. "And how much does the job pay?"
 
"I'll start you at eighty thousand."
 
"Eighty thousand dollars!" the accountant exclaimed. "How can such
a small business afford a sum like that?"
 
"That," the owner said, "is your first worry."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 4 Dec 1998 22:18:24 -0700
From:    Sue Birkenseer <Sue@CIRCUSPREPRESS.COM>
Subject: 12 days of Christmas

The Twelve Thank-you Notes of Christmas (Family Version)
 
Dec 25
My dearest darling Edward,
What a wonderful surprise has just greeted me! That sweet
partridge, in that lovely little pear-tree; what an enchanting,
romantic, poetic present! Bless you, and thank you.
Your deeply loving,
Emily
 
Dec. 26
Beloved Edward,
The two turtle-doves arrived this morning, and are cooing away in
the pear-tree as I write. I'm so touched and grateful!
With undying love, as always,
Emily
 
Dec. 27
My darling Edward,
You do think of the most original presents! Who ever thought of
sending anybody three French hens? Do they really come all the way
from France? It's a pity we have no chicken coops, but I expect
we'll find some. Anyway, thank you so much; they're lovely.
Your devoted,
Emily
 
Dec. 28
Dearest Edward,
What a surprise! Four calling birds arrived this morning. They are
very sweet, even if they do call rather loudly, they make
telephoning almost impossible, but I expect they'll calm down when
they get used to their new home. Anyway, I'm very grateful, of
course I am.
Love from Emily
 
Dec. 29
Dearest Edward,
The mailman has just delivered five most beautiful gold rings, one
for each finger, and all fitting perfectly! A really lovely
present! Lovelier, in a way, than birds, which do take rather a lot
of looking after. The four that arrived yesterday are still making
a terrible row, and I'm afraid none of us got much sleep last
night. Mother says she wants to use the rings to "wring" their
necks. Mother has such a sense of humor. This time she's only
joking, I think, but I do know what she means. Still, I love the
rings.
Bless you,
Emily
 
Dec. 30
Dear Edward,
Whatever I expected to find when I opened the front door this
morning, it certainly wasn't six socking great geese laying eggs
all over the porch. Frankly, I rather hoped that you had stopped
sending me birds. We have no room for them, and they've already
ruined the croquet lawn. I know you meant well, but let's call a
halt, shall we?
Love,
Emily
 
Dec. 31
Edward,
I thought I said NO MORE BIRDS. This morning I woke up to find no
more than seven swans, all trying to get into our tiny goldfish
pond. I'd rather not think what's happened to the goldfish. The
whole house seems to be full of birds, to say nothing of what they
leave behind them, so please, please, stop!
Your Emily
 
Jan 1
Frankly, I prefer the birds. What am I to do with eight milkmaids?
And their cows! Is this some kind of a joke? If so, I'm afraid I
don't find it very amusing.
Emily
 
Jan. 2
Look here, Edward,
This has gone far enough. You say you're sending me nine ladies
dancing. All I can say is, judging from the way they dance, they're
certainly not ladies. The village just isn't accustomed to seeing a
regiment of shameless viragos, with nothing on but their lipstick,
cavorting round the green, and it's Mother and I who get the blame.
If you value our friendship, which I do (less and less), kindly
stop this ridiculous behavior at once!
Emily
 
Jan 3
As I write this letter, ten disgusting old men are prancing up and
down all over what used to be the garden, before the geese and the
swans and the cows got at it. And several of them, I have just
noticed, are taking inexcusable liberties with the milkmaids.
Meanwhile the neighbors are trying to have us evicted. I shall
never speak to you again.
Emily
 
Jan 4
This is the last straw! You know I detest bagpipes! The place has
now become something between a menagerie and a madhouse, and a man
from the council has just declared it unfit for habitation. At
least Mother has been spared this last outrage; they took her away
yesterday afternoon in an ambulance to a home for the bewildered. I
hope you're satisfied.
 
Jan. 5
Sir,
Our client, Miss Emily Wilbraham, instructs me to inform you that
with the arrival on her premises at 7:30 this morning of the entire
percussion section of the Boston Symphony Orchestra, and several of
their friends, she has no course left open to her but to seek an
injunction to prevent you importuning her further. I am making
arrangements for the return of much assorted livestock.
 
I am, Sir, yours faithfully,
G. Glass
Attorney at law
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 4 Dec 1998 to 5 Dec 1998
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