HUMOR Digest - 30 Nov 1998 to 1 Dec 1998
There are 10 messages totalling 503 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Keglers (Puns)
  2. What Next ?
  3. Rules for Women (off. to women)
  4. Poor Mr. Spenser?
  5. Just Between Us... <adult>
  6. Let's build up the choir
  7. Holiday Times
  8. Dealing with telemarketers  <humor>
  9. Mildly Adult
 10. Going to the zoo (sexual)
 
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Date:    Mon, 30 Nov 1998 00:59:25 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Keglers (Puns)
 
Most people know the legend of William Tell and his unique method
of making applesauce, but not many know that he and his family were
championship bowlers. Highly skilled, their team was sponsored
eagerly by local merchants. To have "Tell's Terrors" represent your
firm was a great honor.
 
Even now, to be able to claim that the Tells once represented your
family business would be of great advertising value. Unfortunately,
the old records have been lost and today we can't be sure... for
whom the Tells bowl.
 
               -By Mario del Rosso
               ************************************
 
Karl Marx is best known as the philosopher who formed the basis of
the Communist revolution. It is less well known that he was an
advent sports enthusiast. Karl's major interest was in Kegeling,
what we call Bowling or Ten-Pins in the United States. In fact it
was his passion about the sport that led to his fleeing Germany for
Paris where he first became acquainted with socialism.
 
Karl was the editor of a newspaper in Cologne, Germany, when, in
1843, the government banned kegeling and other indoor sports,
because they were distracting workers and delaying the completion
of projects that had been ordered.
 
Karl immediately used his newspaper to print protests about the
ban. The front page of his daily was devoted to the issue, and he
wrote a seething editorial proclaiming...   Bowlers of the world,
arise; you have nothing to choose but your lanes!
 
          -By Stan Kegel from a pun by Don Hauptman
          ************************************
 
Abe Cohen was a very successful barber whose tonsorial shop
happened to be located next store to a bowling alley. Cohen became
enamored with the sport and was determined to get his score over
200 so he began spending more time bowling than barbering. He had
started a game with 6 consecutive strikes one afternoon when the
political boss of the county tracked him down and demanded an
immediate shave. Cohen indignantly pushed him aside, declaring
firmly...  A bowling Cohen lathers no boss.
          ************************************
 
A bowling team is missing their best bowler, Dee. Her alternate
Michele only averages 120 per game. The team is doing very poorly,
having lost the first game of the match, when Dee finally shows up.
 
The assistant captain is then bombarded by requests to let to take
Michele out and to let Dee bowl, when she yells out... "Do not ask
for whom Michelle bowls, she bowls for Dee!"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 30 Nov 1998 04:41:50 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: What Next ?
 
* Have any of you seen the new microwave TV sets ?
  You can watch a one hour show in 11 minutes.
                         - - - - -
 
* Like a lot of people, I use an electric toothbrush.  I never
  would have bought the damn thing though had I known beforehand
  ya gotta take it to an electrician twice a year for check-ups.
                         - - - - -
 
* I understand that the chipmaker Intel has become so successful
  in miniaturizing their products, they're looking for a smaller
  place to relocate to.
                         - - - - -
 
* There's been so much talk about husbands buying their wives
  inappropriate presents for Christmas, the merchants here are
  trying something new this year -- exchange certificates.
                         - - - - -
 
* In the Baltimore Maryland metro area, the homeless often stand
  in the median of the roadways at intersections with signs that
  say, "Will work for food".  Today I saw a man, not too badly
  dressed, holding a laptop and a sign: "Will work for access".
                         - - - - -
 
* I see there's yet another proposal for the Federal Government
  in the US to regulate all drugs.  Hey !  I'm in favor of it.
  I mean think about it, if the government took over the drug
  business, that'd be the end of illegal drugs once and for all.
                         - - - - -
 
*   The seance was in progress and the medium had made contact
  with the businessman in the other world.  The air crackled and
  just as the widow was about to speak to her departed husband,
  the room was filled with soft music. "Is that really music
  from heaven ?" she asked the medium.
    "No Madame." replied the spiritualist. "I believe that your
  husband has placed us on 'hold'."
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 30 Nov 1998 07:05:36 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Rules for Women (off. to women)
 
 1. Never do housework. No man ever made love to a woman because
    the house was spotless.
 2. Remember you are known by the idiot you accompany.
 3. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.
 4. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out?  You shut the door.
 5. So many men - so many reasons not to sleep with any of them.
 6. If they put a man on the moon, they should be able to put them
    all there.
 7. Tell him you're not his type - you have a pulse.
 8. Never let your man's mind wander. It's too little to be let out
    alone.
 9. The only reason men are on this planet is that vibrators can't
    dance or buy drinks.
10. Never sleep with a man who's named his penis.
11. Go for younger men. You might as well. They never mature
    anyway.
12. A man who can dress himself without looking like Forrest Gump
    is unquestionably gay.
13. Men are all the same. They just have different faces so you can
    tell them apart.
14. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity
    to make some woman miserable.
15. Women don't make fools of men. Most of them are the
    do-it-yourself types.
16. The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest they
    are too old for it.
17. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
18. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
19. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years.
    Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
20. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him
    checkbooks.
21. A man's idea of serious commitment is usually "oh alright,
    I'll stay the night."
22. Women sleep with men, who if they were women, they wouldn't
    even bother to have lunch with.
23. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him
    jokes, it means you laugh at his.
24. If he asks you if you're faking it tell him no, you're just
    practicing.
25. Sadly, all men are created equal.
26. When he asks you if he's your first, tell him "you may be...
    you do look familiar."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 30 Nov 1998 08:05:12 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Poor Mr. Spenser?
 
A law firm receptionist answered the phone the morning after the
firm's senior partner had passed away unexpectedly.
 
"Is Mr. Spenser there?" asked the client on the phone.
 
"I'm very sorry, but Mr. Spenser passed away last night," the
receptionist answered. "Can anyone else help you?"
 
The man paused for a moment, then quietly said 'no' and hung up.
 
Ten minutes later, he called again and asked for Mr. Spenser, his
ex-wife's lawyer.  The receptionist said, "You just called a few
minutes ago, didn't you?  Mr. Spenser has died.  I'm not making
this up."
 
The man again hung up.  Fifteen minutes later, he called a third
time and asked for Mr. Spenser.  The receptionist was irked by this
time. "I've told you twice already, Mr. Spenser is dead.  He is not
here!  Why do you keep asking for him when I say he's dead?  Don't
you understand what I'm saying?"
 
The man replied, "I understand you perfectly.  I just like hearing
you say it over and over."
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 30 Nov 1998 10:37:50 -0500
From:    Paul Benoit <Paul_Benoit@SPEEDLINE.COOKSON.COM>
Subject: Just Between Us... <adult>
 
First Lady Hillary Clinton and Attorney General Janet Reno were
having one of those girl-to-girl talks... Hillary says to Janet,
"You're lucky that you don't have to put up with men having sex
with you. I have to put up with Bill, and there is no telling where
he last had his pecker."
 
Janet responded, "Just because I am esthetically challenged (that's
"PC" for ugly) doesn't mean I don't have to fight off unwelcome
sexual advances."
 
Hillary asks, "Well how do you deal with the problem?"
 
Janet says, "Whenever I feel that a guy is getting ready to make a
pass at me, I muster all my might and squeeze out the loudest,
nastiest fart I can."
 
Well, that night, Bill was already in bed with the lights out when
Hillary headed for bed.  She could hear him start to stir, and knew
that he would be wanting some action.  She had been saving her
farts all day, and was ready for him.  She tenses up her butt
cheeks and forces out the most disgusting sounding fart you could
imagine!
 
Bill rolls over and says, "Is that you, Janet?"
 
          -via LQQk2astar
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 30 Nov 1998 12:47:16 -0500
From:    "Harter, Douglas" <Harter.Douglas@DEP.STATE.PA.US>
Subject: Let's build up the choir
 
This was in our church bulletin this weekend under events for the
week.
 
Wednesday, December 2
7:00 PM Choir practice
If you enjoy sinning, please join us.
 
We're expecting to get a choir the size of the Mormon Tabernacle.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 30 Nov 1998 12:52:04 -0600
From:    RANEBOUX <wett@GS.VERIO.NET>
Subject: Holiday Times
 
It was slightly before Thanksgiving.  The trip went reasonably
well, and he was ready to go back.  The airport on the other end
had turned a tacky red and green, and loudspeakers blared annoying
elevator renditions of cherished Christmas carols.
 
Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly
tired, he was not in a particularly good mood. Going to check in
his luggage (which, for some reason, had become one suitcase with
entirely new clothes), he saw hanging mistletoe.  Not real
mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some of the
rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter and pointier
parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso
sort of way.
 
With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent
it, he said to the attendant,  "Even if I were not married, I would
not want to kiss you under such a ghastly mockery of mistletoe."
 
"Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is."
     (pause)
"Ok, I see that it's above the luggage scale, which is the place
 you'd have to step forward for a kiss."
 
"That's not why it's there."
     (pause)
"Ok, I give up.  Why is it there?"
 
"It's there so you can kiss your luggage goodbye."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 30 Nov 1998 14:10:12 -0500
From:    Jim Mica <jmica@ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: Dealing with telemarketers  <humor>
 
One thing that has always bugged me, and I'm sure it does most of
you, is to sit down at the dinner table only to be interrupted by a
phone call from a telemarketer. I decided, on one such occasion, to
try to be as irritating as they were to me. The call was from AT&T
and it went something like this:
 
Me: Hello
AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T...
Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T...
Me: This is AT&T?
AT&T: Yes This is AT&T...
Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: YES! This is AT&T, may I speak to Mr. Byron please?
Me: May I ask who is calling?
AT&T: This is AT&T.
Me: OK, hold on.
  
At this point I put the phone down for a solid 5 minutes thinking
that, surely,  this person would have hung up the phone. Much to my
surprise, when I picked up the receiver, they were still waiting.
 
Me: Hello?
AT&T: Is this Mr. Byron?
Me: May I ask who is calling please?
AT&T: Yes this is AT&T...
Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes this is AT&T...
Me: This is AT&T?
AT&T: Yes, is this Mr. Byron?
Me: Yes, is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes sir.
Me: The phone company?
AT&T: Yes sir.
Me: I thought you said this was AT&T.
AT&T: Yes sir, we are a phone company.
Me: I already have a phone.
AT&T: We aren't selling phones today Mr. Byron.
Me: Well whatever it is, I'm really not interested but thanks for
    calling.
 
When you are not interested in something, I don't think you can
express yourself any plainer than by saying "I'm really not
interested",but this lady was persistent.
 
AT&T: Mr. Byron we would like to offer you 10 cents a minute, 24
      hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.
 
Now, I am sure she meant she was offering a "rate" of 10 cents a
minute but she at no time used the word rate. I could clearly see
that it was time to whip out the trusty old calculator and do a
little ciphering.
 
Me: Now, that's 10 cents a minute 24 hours a day?
AT&T: (getting a little excited at this point by my interest)
      Yes sir that's right! 24 hours a day!
Me: 7 days a week?
AT&T: That's right.
Me: 365 days a year?
AT&T: Yes sir.
Me: I am definitely interested in that! Wow!!! That's amazing!
AT&T: We think so!
Me: That's quite a sum of money!
AT&T: Yes sir, it's amazing how it ads up.
Me: OK, so will you send me checks weekly, monthly or just one big
    one at the end of the year for the full $52,560, and if you
    send an annual check, can I get  a cash advance?
AT&T: Excuse me?
Me: You know, the 10 cents a minute.
AT&T: What are you talking about?
Me: You said you'd give me 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7
    days a week, 365 days a year. That comes to $144 per day, $1008
    per week and $52,560 per year. I'm just interested in knowing
    how you will be making payment.
AT&T: Oh no sir I didn't mean we'd be paying you. You pay us 10
      cents a minute.
Me: Wait a minute here!!! Didn't you say you'd give me 10 cents a
    minute. Are you sure this is AT&T?
AT&T: Well, yes this is AT&T sir but......
Me: But nothing, how do you figure that by saying that you'll give
    me 10 cents a minute that I'll give you 10 cents a minute? Is
    this some kind of subliminal telemarketing scheme? I've read
    about things like this in the Enquirer you know.  Don't use
    your alien brainwashing techniques on me.
AT&T: No sir we are offering 10 cents a minute for.....
Me: THERE YOU GO AGAIN! Can I speak to a supervisor please!
AT&T: Sir I don't think that is necessary.
Me: Sure! You say that now! What happens later?
AT&T: What?
Me: I insist on speaking to a supervisor!
AT&T: Yes Mr. Byron. Please hold on.
 
So now AT&T has me on hold and my supper is getting cold. I begin
to eat while I'm waiting for a supervisor. After a wait of a few
minutes and while I have a mouth full of food:
 
Supervisor: Mr. Byron?
Me: Yeth?
Supervisor: I understand you are not quite understanding our 10
            cents a minute program.
Me: Id thish Ath Teeth & Teeth?
Supervisor: Yes sir, it sure is.
 
I had to swallow before I choked on my food. It was all I could do
to suppress  my laughter and I had to be careful not to produce a
snort.
 
Me: No, actually I was just waiting for someone to get back to me
    so that I could sign up for the plan.
Supervisor: OK, no problem, I'll transfer you back to the person
            who was helping you.
Me: Thank you.
 
I was on hold once again and was getting really hungry. I needed to
end this conversation. Suddenly, there was an aggravated but polite
voice at the other end of the phone.
 
AT&T: Hello Mr. Byron, I understand that you are interested in
      signing up for our plan?
Me: Do you have that friends and family thing because you can
    never have enough  friends and I'm an only child and I'd really
    like to have a little brother...
AT&T: (click)
 
                    -author unknown
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 30 Nov 1998 15:13:23 -0500
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@LATTE.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Mildly Adult
 
Remember the old Groucho Marx program where he had a secret word.
If a contestant said that word, a duck would come down and the
contestant would win a prize. He often teased around with hints
about the word and, at least two times, enticed the contestant into
being 'vulgar' on air. On one occasion, he hinted that this food
was called 'noise' by sailors on board ship. The real answer was
'celery' but the person blurted out 'beans.' On the other occasion,
he hinted that these were something found in men's pants and on the
billiard table. The real answer was 'pockets', but the person
blurted out 'balls.'
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 30 Nov 1998 19:57:38 -0800
From:    "Roger E. Taranto" <rog@TSOFT.COM>
Subject: Going to the zoo (sexual)
 
A mother and her young son go to the zoo one day.  As they pass the
elephant pen, the son  points to the elephant's penis and says,
"What's that?"
 
The mother replies, "That's nothing," and hurries on to the next
animals.
 
A few weeks later, the boy's father takes him to the zoo, and they
come to the elephant pen.  Again the boy points to the elephant's
penis and asks, "What's that?"
 
The father explains, "That's the elephant's penis."
 
The boy says, "Mom said that it was nothing."
 
The father replies, "Yeah, well, your mom is spoiled."
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 30 Nov 1998 to 1 Dec 1998
***********************************************
 
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