HUMOR Digest - 29 Nov 1998 to 30 Nov 1998
There are 5 messages totalling 399 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Weekly Traffic Report
  2. 25 Worst Pickup Lines
  3. Comparison Of Two Immortals
  4. It's All In the Interpretation.
  5. Taxes and Speed Limits (offensive to phone companies)
 
-------------------------------------------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 29 Nov 1998 03:06:17 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Weekly Traffic Report
 
Good Morning y'all, here I am with this week's Traffic Report.
This is the Weekly Traffic Report that is sent to all of the
Humor List subscribers once a month.
 
As of this writing only a few brave souls have posted to our new
Message Board    <www.InsideTheWeb.com/mbs.cgi/mb212137>
Now remember, this board is intended for discussing previously
posted jokes, not flaming or posting new jokes. It could also be
a good forum for any humor related topics.
 
Recently, a good number of requests have been received for jokes
previously posted.  May I remind y'all that's one of the main
reasons we have an archive.  You don't even have to remember the
URL, I post it each and every day as a sig file after my jokes.
 
Complete Digests for 1997 and 1998 (to date) are always available
(normally the same day the Digests are sent out) at:
        www2.crosswinds.net/baltimore/~jimjr   (text files)
        www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293   (zip files)
 
                                                JimJr
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
 
     Traffic Report for HUMOR, 22 Nov 1998 - 28 Nov 1998
 
                      (Number of articles posted each day)
                     Last   3 Weeks  2 Weeks   1 Week    Past
Date   Day           Year     Back     Back     Back     Week
 
 22  Sunday            6        7        9        7       11
 23  Monday           10       11        9       13       12
 24  Tuesday          12       11       15        9       11
 25  Wednesday        17       14       16       16       12
 26  Thursday         12       10       15       10        5
 27  Friday           12       14       10       14       10
 28  Saturday          6        5        9        8        7
 
   (Average)          11       10       12       11       10
 
Subscriptions      8,613    7,739    7,723    7,713    7,720
Countries            103      119      118      117      114
Contributors         716      597      591      592      589
 
These are based on addresses registered to our listserver. It does
not include addresses which receive HUMOR by other than direct
mailings.  The numbers include concealed/non-concealed subscribers.

       The HumorList is sent daily to the following countries:
 
Argentina, Australia, Austria, Bahrain, Bangladesh, Belarus,
Belgium, Belize, Bermuda, Bhutan, Bolivia, Botswana, Brazil,
Brunei, Bulgaria, Canada, Chile, China, Colombia, Cook Islands,
Costa Rica,  Croatia, Cuba, Cyprus, Czech Republic,  Denmark, 
Dominican Republic, Ecuador, Egypt, El Salvador, England, Estonia,
Federal Republic of Yugoslavia, Fiji, Finland, France, Georgia,
Germany, Greece, Guam, Guatemala, Hong Kong, Hungary, Iceland,
India, Indonesia, Iran, Ireland, Israel, Italy, Jamaica, Japan,
Jordan,  Kazakhstan,  Kenya,  Korea,  Kuwait,  Latvia, Lebanon,
Liechtenstein, Lithuania, Luxembourg, Macedonia, Malaysia, Malta,
Mauritius,  Mexico,  Moldova,  Morocco,  Mozambique,  Namibia,
Nepal, Netherlands, New Zealand, Nigeria, Northern Ireland, Norway,
Oman,  Pakistan,  Panama, Peru,  Philippines, Poland, Portugal,
Qatar,  Romania,  Russia,  Saudi Arabia,  Scotland, Singapore,
Slovakia, Slovenia, South Africa, Spain, Sri Lanka, Suriname,
Sweden, Switzerland, Taiwan, Thailand, Tanzania,  Trinidad and
Tobago, Tunisia, Turkey, Uganda, Ukraine, United Arab Emirates,
Uruguay, USA, Venezuela, Vietnam, Wales, Zambia, Zimbabwe
 
Total countries: 114
 
           Email me if your country is not listed here.
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
HUMOR GOALS
 
A daily average of 10-20 examples of humor
A diversity of humor: sources, forms, subjects
Freedom of expression for contributors
Protection of sensitivities for readers
     (heading warning requirement)
 
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
To Subscribe to the Humor List:
 
Send an e-mail to: listserv@listserv.uga.edu
leave the subject area blank; in the BODY of the letter,
type: SUB HUMOR yourfirstname yourlastname
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
A few of the more widely used commands:
 
Send an e-mail to: listserv@listserv.uga.edu
leave the subject area blank; in the BODY of the letter, type:
 
   GET HUMOR GUIDE           to become a contributor
   QUERY HUMOR               to check your settings
   SIGNOFF HUMOR             to leave the main list (unsubscribe)
   SIGNOFF HUMOR-P           to leave the contributor's list
   SET HUMOR NOMAIL          to stop all mail for a temporary
                             period
   SET HUMOR MAIL            to receive humor as it is posted
   SET HUMOR DIGEST          to get daily collections of humor
                             (default)
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
 
To verify current addresses, our server randomly selects
subscribers and sends an e-mail to verify the addresses.
Subscribers need take no action when such a message is received.
 
Errors returned from your Server to our ListServer may cause your
name to be dropped from the list.  If you feel, at any time, that
you have been dropped from the list, or have stopped receiving mail
from the ListServer, simply resubscribe.  You will not receive
duplicate mailings to the same address; if you're already
subscribed, the ListServer will verify that.
 
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
Archived Files:
 
A complete set of the UGA Humor Digests for 1997-1998,
with the original Subject indexes for easy searching:
 
                [original text format]
     http://www2.crosswinds.net/baltimore/~jimjr
 
      [original text compressed to zip format]
     http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
 
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
Message Board:
 
A Humor List rule has always been no discussion on the mailings.
This is as it should be.  People who subscribe to a joke list
expect jokes, not banter.  But as an alternate, a Message Board
is now available to ALL members (and guests) who wish to comment
on previously posted jokes or those who enjoy a forum format:
           www.InsideTheWeb.com/mbs.cgi/mb212137
 
It is NOT intended as a site to leave messages or questions for
the ListOwners, nor is it an alternate site to post jokes, but a
place for messages intended for the entire membership's viewing.
 
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
And now for a contribution of humor:
 
In the US, the days between Thanksgiving and Christmas are known
as the "Christmas Season".  That pretty much equates to shopping
for presents.  One Yuppette invited another to go shopping with
her, and the friend said, "I never shop until several days before.
After all, how do you know who your friends will be at Christmas."
 
 
                Jim Moore Jr;  HumorList Traffic Reporter
                           jimjr@qis.net
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 29 Nov 1998 07:34:05 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: 25 Worst Pickup Lines
 
 1. Your name must be Daisy, because I have the incredible urge to
    plant you right here!
 2. Roses are red, violets are blue, I like spaghetti,
    let's go screw.
 3. Just call me milk, I'll do your body good.
 4. Your body's name must be visa, because it's everywhere I want
    to be.
 5. Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?
 6. I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your Bed
    Rock.
 7. I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one
    talking to you.
 8. My love for you is like the energizer bunny, it keeps going and
    going....
 9. That shirt looks very becoming on you, but if I were on you,
    I'd be coming too.
10. Yo Baby, you be my Dairy Queen, I'll be your Burger King, you
    treat me right, and I'll do it your way right away.
11. I'd like to screw your brains out, but it appears that someone
    beat me to it.
12. I enjoy doing maintenance, you look like someone I would like
    to "tinker" around with.
13. You must be from Pearl Harbor, cause baby you're the
    Bomb-diggity.
14. If you were a new hamburger at McDonald's, you would be
    McGorgeous.
15. Is that Windex? Because I can see myself in your pants.
16. I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed
    Thrasher, have you seen one?
17. I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Walmart, so I could
    ride you all day long for a quarter.
18. Wanna Play House? You be the screen door and I'll slam you all
    night long.
19. If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep
    until the afternoon.
20. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a braille name tag.
21. If you were a car, I wax you and ride you all over town.
22.  Guy "Would you like to dance?"
    Girl "I don't care for this song and surely wouldn't dance
          with you."
     Guy "I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you
          look fat in those pants"
23. Excuse me, do you have your phone number, I've seem to have
    lost mine.
24. I look good on you.
25. I'm new in town, could I have directions to your house.
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 29 Nov 1998 09:32:39 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Comparison Of Two Immortals
 
   Amazing Comparisons Between Two Worshipped as Immortals
   =======================================================
 
 Jesus said: "Love thy neighbor."  (Matthew 22:39)
 Elvis said: "Don't be cruel." (RCA, 1956)
 
 Jesus is the Lords's shepherd.
 Elvis dated Cybill Shepherd.
 
 Jesus was part of the Trinity.
 Elvis' first band was a trio.
 
 Jesus walked on water. (Matthew 14:25)
 Elvis surfed. (Blue Hawaii, Paramount, 1965)
 
 Jesus' entourage, the Apostles, had 12 members.
 Elvis' entourage, the Memphis Mafia, had 12 members.
 
 Jesus was resurrected.
 Elvis had the famous 1968 "comeback" TV special.
 
 Jesus said, "If any man thirst, let him come unto me, and
              drink."(John 7:37)
 Elvis said, "Drinks on me!" (Jailhouse Rock, MGM, 1957)
 
 Jesus fasted for 40 days and nights.
 Elvis had irregular eating habits. (e.g. 5 banana splits for
 breakfast)
 
 Jesus is a Capricorn. (December 25)
 Elvis is a Capricorn. (January 8)
 
 Matthew was one of Jesus' many biographers. (The Gospel According
 to Matthew)
 Neil Matthews was one of Elvis' many biographers. (Elvis: A Golden
 Tribute)
 
"[Jesus] countenance was like lightning, and his raiment white as
         snow." (Matthew 28:3)
Elvis wore snow-white jumpsuits with lightning bolts.
 
Jesus lived in state of grace in a Near Eastern land.
Elvis lived in Graceland in a nearly eastern state.
 
Mary, an important woman in Jesus' life, had an Immaculate
Conception.
Priscilla, an important woman in Elvis' life, went to Immaculate
Conception High School.
 
Jesus was first and foremost the Son of God.
Elvis first recorded with Sun Studios, which today are still
considered to be his foremost recordings.
 
Jesus was the lamb of God.
Elvis had mutton chop sideburns.
 
Jesus' Father is everywhere.
Elvis' father was a drifter and moved around quite a bit.
 
Jesus was a carpenter.
Elvis' favorite high school class was wood shop.
 
Jesus wore a crown of thorns.
Elvis wore Royal Crown hair styler.
 
Jesus H. Christ has 12 letters.
Elvis Presley has 12 letters.
 
No one knows what the "H" in "Jesus H. Christ" stood for.
No one was really sure if Elvis' middle name was "Aron" or "Aaron".
 
Jesus said: "Man shall not live by bread alone."
Elvis liked his sandwiches with peanut butter and bananas.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 29 Nov 1998 16:17:31 +0000
From:    Jack Shea <jshumor@BERK.COM>
Subject: It's All In the Interpretation.
 
U.S. Congress Representative Dick Armey, who, when asked if he
were in the President's place, would he resign, responded:
 
"If I were in the President's place, I would not get a chance to
resign; I would be lying in a pool of my own blood hearing Mrs.
Armey standing over me saying, 'How do I reload this goddamn
thing?'"
                         --------------
 
Some time not long ago Yasmin Yusof, a DJ on Radio 4 asked 
listeners to her radio program to call to answer trivia questions.
The first caller to give the correct answer would get a prize from
the sponsor. She asked: "Can anyone out there tell me the household
name of Sodium Chloride"
 
A caller who is a housewife called up eager to answer the question.
Not knowing the answer to the question, she asked Yasmin for a
clue.
 
"Something you put on your husbands eggs in the morning." she said.
The lady confidently said: "talcum powder".
 
It took Yasmin Yusof a few songs before returning to the air.
                         --------------
 
Arkansas:
 
Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly.  He decided that
he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window,
grab some booze, and run.  So he lifted the cinder block and
heaved it over his head at the window.  The cinder block bounced
back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him
unconscious.  Seems the liquor store window was made of
Plexi-Glass.  The whole event was caught on videotape.
                         --------------
 
Cans of shaving foam sold in the UK are also sold in Scandinavia,
and labelled accordingly.
 
It seems that the Swedish for 'Shaving Foam' is BARBERSKUM.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 30 Nov 1998 00:45:00 +0000
From:    Jack Shea <jshumor@BERK.COM>
Subject: Taxes and Speed Limits (offensive to phone companies)
 
Just got my Bell Atlantic phone bill. There is $5.87 AT & T charge
on it. Wait a minute!, I don't have AT & T, I don't have or want a
long distance carrier. It's a second phone line that does nothing
but dial the same local phone number for the modem to connect to
AOL.
 
So I call AT & T. It seems that this is a retroactive charge for a
Carrier Line Charge, and a Universal Connectivity Charge. What are
these for? Charges to allow the low income to have phones, and
internet connections for all the schools. Let me get this straight,
I now have to pay phone bills for the *too damn lazy to work*, and
the second thing I'm paying for pisses me off even more. You heard
about all the crap on the web that kids can access? Well, now we
got to pay so the government can make damn sure that all of the
"children" can access the crap that's out there in cyberspace.
 
So, I call AT & T. They can't do anything about it, I call the
local company. I call Bell. "I ain't paying it." "Oh yes you are!"
"What if I don't, what are you gonna do?" "Cut off your long
distance phone service." "GREAT! I DIDN'T WANT IT IN THE FIRST
PLACE!!!!!" "But you have another phone account, and we'll cut the
long distance service from that one." "Aha, that's MCI!" "Doesn't
matter, we'll cut it off." "Let me get this straight, I refuse to
pay AT & T a few bucks, and I lose MCI service?" "That's right."
 
The $5.87 is the total retroactive fee, it will be $ .93 a month
from now on. No it won't, I tell them, drop AT & T, and don't
assign me any long distance carrier. They tell me there will be a
one time $5.00 charge to drop long distance. I gotta pay to quit
something I didn't want it the first place? Yes I do!. Go ahead
and drop it I told them.
 
They wrote up a work order to do this. Then AT & T, told me it was
taken care of, but there will be an additional $ .53 a month on my
phone bill. What's this for, I asked. It's a federal tax for, YOU
READY FOR THIS? YOU BETTER SIT DOWN, IT'S A FEDERAL TAX FOR NOT
HAVING A LONG DISTANCE CARRIER!!!!!!!!!! Christ, I can hardly wait
for my monthly tax on my helicopter! No, of course I don't have a
helicopter, but that shouldn't stop them from taxing me for it!
               --------------
 
Last weekend I was driving from Milwaukee to Chicago with my wife.
Wisconsin had recently installed new scoreboard-style highway signs
that keep commuters up-to-date on current traffic conditions and at
the time the message read, "Change speed to 50mph a head."  I
thought, "There are two heads in this car at the moment so..." and
then looked over at my wife who, without waiting for me to say
anything, simply said, "No."  She knows me too well.
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 29 Nov 1998 to 30 Nov 1998
************************************************
 
