HUMOR Digest - 28 Nov 1998 to 29 Nov 1998
There are 7 messages totalling 484 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. In The News - Humorous News Quips
  2. Women Shoppers
  3. Most Venomous Snake in the World (adult)
  4. The 'Beer Me' Diet
  5. The Woman on tha' Bus
  6. P. U. N. Y. Riddles
  7. More Stories...
 
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Date:    Fri, 27 Nov 1998 23:16:38 -0800
From:    elambert <elambert@IX.NETCOM.COM>
Subject: In The News - Humorous News Quips
 
In The News - Edited excerpts from the LA Times...
 
WARNING - may be offensive to black and Mexican Americans.
          Includes references to sex and drugs.
 
President Clinton banged his head the other day. This is the first
thing he's banged that hasn't hired an attorney... (Letterman)
 
Monica Lewinsky was seen in an LA Fitness Center with a personal
trainer. She's apparently gained some weight, which is common when
you give up cigars.
 
Time magazine reports that Kenneth Starr tried to get Lewinsky to
wear a wire in order to get something on President Clinton. Starr
denies the report. It's probably just as well, Monica is terrible
with electronic equipment. Once in school, she was in charge of
setting up the sound system for a lecture series, and she ended up
blowing the speaker. (Maher)
 
Former wrestler Jesse "The Body" Ventura won the governor's seat in
Minnesota. Early next year, he will take his oath on a very special
episode of the "Jerry Springer Show".
 
Prince Charles celebrated his 50th birthday. They have their
favorite games, but Queen Elizabeth won't play checkers with him
anymore... he keeps shouting "King me!"
 
IRS employees allegedly stole $5.3 million in taxpayers' money over
the last 2 1/2 years. This is why people cheat on their taxes...
they just want to cut out the middle man.
 
Tobacco companies have reached a $200 billion settlement with all
50 states. They'll raise the price of cigarettes to pay for the
loss. If cigarettes get any more expensive, it will make crack
cocaine cost effective.
 
In recent elections in California, one of the big issues was
bilingual education. It's now gone. They say a student who is not
from this country will get one year of language immersion. They say
it's "Sink or Swim", which is probably how they got here in the
first place. (Maher)
 
Kmart and Wal-Mart are embroiled in a price war over Viagra. Some
people are so excited, they no longer need the drug.
 
For the sixth year in a row, the FBI reports crime is down. In
fact, it was so quiet in a lot of cities, cops had to beat up a
white guy. (Maher)
 
Universal Studios will open a Bob Marley theme park in Kingston,
Jamaica. Get up, stand up. Stand up for your rides.
 
In an attempt to attract a more modern, hipper, high tech type of
customer... Campbell's Alphabet Soup now comes with spell check.
 
Tim Allen announced that this year will be the last season of "Home
Improvement" because he's tired of the role. When asked what his
plans for the future were, he said he was just going to work around
the house.
 
Will Smith will gain 30 pounds or more to play Muhammad Ali in a
movie. Apparently his agent misunderstood when he said he wanted a
role in a phat movie.
 
Heidi Fleiss is writing a book. The working title is "Men Are From
Mars, Women Are $200 An Hour". (Leno)
 
George Michael says he wants to try his hand at marriage. As you
may have heard, his other was busy. (Leno)
 
300,000 cans of tuna were stolen last week. Police are looking for
a cat burglar. (Leno)
 
More and more passengers are having sex on airplanes. Well... what
do you expect? You get on the plane and they give you cocktails...
a blanket... a pillow... that says SEX to me! (Letterman)
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 28 Nov 1998 03:57:36 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Women Shoppers
 
* With apologies to Sinclair Lewis, when it comes to the ladies
  Christmas shopping, it's not a season but an occupation.
                           - - - - -
 
* A shoe salesman said to a customer who'd gotten him to pull
  out over half the inventory, "Do you mind if I rest a moment
  Madam ?  Your feet are killing me."
                           - - - - -
 
* Two Yuppettes, tired from their Christmas shopping were also
  getting hungry for lunch.  One suggested they eat at the new
  fast-food place in Columbia Maryland -- "Pheasant Delight".
                           - - - - -
 
*   A Yuppette worn out from the vigors of too much Christmas
  shopping approached the information booth at the department
  store and reported her child lost.  She sat down with a sigh,
  her packages piled high around her.
    Within minutes a Howard County Policeman appeared with the
  lost tot.  Instead of a "thanks", she glared at the officer
  and said, "Did you HAVE to find him so fast ?"
                           - - - - -
 
*   Even in the 90's some Jewish merchants fear discrimination
  and name their businesses with English sounding names. At the
  Columbia Mall, a lil' Yuppette stopped in a new jewelry shop
  called "Carrington Jewelers".  She asked the clerk if the
  owners were the Glenelg Carringtons.
    The clerk replied, "No, the Glenelg Carringtons are the
  Ruthenburgs.  This store's owned by the Glenwood Carringtons,
  the Shaprios."
                           - - - - -
 
*   While visiting once in South Carolina, Mrs JimJr went to
  the grocery store to buy ingredients to make cornbread. She
  approached another lady shopper and asked, "Excuse me. Could
  you tell me which type of buttermilk I should buy to make my
  cornbread ?"
    The other woman looked her and replied, "I spect it don't
  matter much t'all what kind ya buy honey childe.  With that
  accent y'all ain't gonna make no bread fit to eat no how."
 
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 28 Nov 1998 07:23:15 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Most Venomous Snake in the World (adult)
 
NAME: Expecteria Trouserius  (Trouser Snake)
 
LOCATION: Throughout the world
 
DESCRIPTION:
Varying from pink to black. Fang-less with a highly venomous spit.
Size varies from 3 to 12 inches, depending on its mood and
sub-species.
 
SYMPTOMS:
This snake attacks mainly women in the lower front abdomen,
resulting in an inconspicuous bump. Then a severe swelling followed
by excruciating pain after nine months. The attack is not usually
fatal. It has been known to attack men in the rear lower abdomen,
resulting in an incurable disease and consequent death.
 
HABITAT:
Usually found in bedrooms, but has been known to appear in unusual
places.
 
ANTIDOTE:
Various types of vaccine available for women. However, once the
venom is injected into the body only drastic measures will ensure
complete recovery. There is no known antidote for men.
 
 
                   WHAT TO DO WHEN ATTACKED

TOURNIQUET: Do not apply a tourniquet as the venom is too deep in
            the body to be affected.
 
CUTTING THE WOUND: This would be completely unnecessary and
                   ineffective as the bleeding will stop after
                   a few weeks anyhow.
 
SUCKING THE WOUND: This method is the most popular with the victim
                   but so far has not been reported to have led to
                   any success.

MILKING THE SNAKE:
 1. Place four fingers of the right hand around the neck of the
    reptile, with the thumb in the front.
 2. Grip firmly and move the hand in an upwards and downwards
    motion.
 3. This will result in the snake becoming highly aggressive and
    start spitting.
 4. The time taken for this milking process depends entirely on the
    skill of the milker and the last time the snake attacked.
 5. Once milked the snake should be harmless for about 20 minutes.
 
CONCLUSION:
This snake, although it is very aggressive and active, is not
necessarily a vermin and treated with the right respect will
make a wonderful pet.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 28 Nov 1998 07:50:39 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: The 'Beer Me' Diet
 
FACT: A lite beer has between 70 and 100 calories, is almost all
      water, and the part that isn't water is almost pure
      carbohydrates.
 
FACT: The average diet recommends a daily caloric intake of 1,200
      calories for women, 1,500 for men, if you want to lose the
      medically safe two to three pounds a week. On the "Beer-Me"
      diet, that equates to at least 12 beverages a day for women,
      and 15 for men.  A measurable goal.
 
FACT: The alcohol in beer is a diuretic, which causes the water to
      flush out almost immediately, leading to a consistent workout
      regimen including deep knee bends (getting out of the chair),
      fast walking (getting to the bathroom) and squats (as the
      case may be).
 
FACT: Drinking beer actually helps you sleep-even when you aren't
      necessarily tired.  All that added rest is certain to help
      any problems you may have experienced in sleep deprivation,
      counting calories on those other fad diets. In  addition, you
      may experience the occasional "How did I get here?" when you
      wake up, which always makes for lively conversation, and
      possibly additional exercise if you have to sneak out and
      run home.
 
FACT: The "Beer-Me" diet is good for your heart.  After just one
      day of consuming your required 12-15 beers, you will
      certainly want to consume some aspirin, which is medically
      proven to help prevent heart attacks.
 
FACT: On the "Beer-Me" diet you can eat anything you want. The only
      rule is that you cannot consume any food until you have
      consumed at least half of the day's required beers. This way
      the food will probably only stay in your body a short time,
      until you again exercise the deep knee bends, quick walk and,
      this time, the "lean-over-and-hurl" stomach crunches.
 
FACT: Beer drinking is often done in bars, where other forms of
      exercise are common.  Dancing, for example, is a good way to
      build up a thirst, as is chasing members of the opposite sex.
      If you really want to maximize your workout, try actually
      walking up to the bar, versus using a waitress.  To take this
      to the extreme, you could even get up and get someone else a
      beer-perhaps someone who is newer to the diet plan than
      yourself.
 
FACT: Beer is cheaper than Jenny Craig.  Based on these facts,
      let's run through a given scenario for diet implementation.
 
CAUTION: This is a weekend diet plan, and should be attempted
         during the work week by only the staunchest of dieters.
 
MONDAY THROUGH THURSDAY: Eat junk food and basically be a slob.
 
FRIDAY: Feeling "huge," swing by the liquor store and stock up.
        Go to favorite place of beer drinking and begin the
        consumption process (remember 12 for women, 15 for men).
 
SATURDAY (a.m.): Wake up (as required) and lounge around all day,
         feeling slightly smaller after expunging any food that you
         may have accidentally consumed (particularly if it
         involved beef jerky from 7-11). Take aspirin. Notice that
         you have absolutely no interest in food, anyway.
 
SATURDAY (p.m.): Restart cycle, noticing that your appetite has
         still not returned.  Perhaps only meet half of your
         consumption goal due to an ongoing discussion with "the
         dog that bit you." This is a good thing, as only
         half-consumption means less than 1,000 calories for the
         day, and you still don't feel hungry.

SUNDAY (a.m.): Wake up for mandatory sports day. This is a very
       convenient diet during football season, but it can be
       successfully implemented year-round. There is some major
       professional sport being played every day of the year except
       the day before and the day after the Major League All-Star
       game (fact-look it up). Consumption on this day should be
       paced to cover the entire day-you don't want to peak too
       soon.  Again you notice a lack of appetite, and are feeling
       thinner all the time.  Don't forget the aspirin.
 
MONDAY: Return to work, feeling thinner, well rested, and
        surprisingly mellow. Mark your log book, and begin
        preparation for the upcoming weekend.
 
Happy dieting!!!
 
                         -Thanks to MC
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 28 Nov 1998 06:59:22 -0600
From:    RANEBOUX <wett@GS.VERIO.NET>
Subject: The Woman on tha' Bus
 
A man was riding on a crowded bus, standing room only. The bus
stopped and an elderly lady got on carrying a large picnic basket.
 
She stood right in front of the man and grabbed the overhead rail
so the picnic basket was above the man's head. Being a gentleman,
he offered his seat to her.  She quickly declined as she was only
going a short distance.
 
Soon the picnic basket began to leak.  The man felt something drop
on top of his head. As he looked up it hit beside his nose and ran
down across his lips. He tasted it, looked up at the lady and
asked, "Pickles?"
 
She replied, "No... puppies."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 28 Nov 1998 14:58:26 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: P. U. N. Y. Riddles
 
63. What do you call the propensity to continually shoot oneself
    in the back of the foot?
 
64. What is it called when you arrange a romantic rendezvous with
    your eye doctor?
 
65. The extremely myopic tribe from ancient Lebanon are known as 
 
66. What type of vehicle should you drive if you wish to have some
    influence over the amount of precipitation that falls? (not a
    brand name)
 
67. The infamous junk e-mailer was finally caught!  While being
    questioned by authorities, he "claimed" he didn't know anything
    about it.  You could say he had a convenient case of what?
 
68. What medication do you give a sneezing snake?
 
 
                              -------------
                                 Answers
 
 
63. I KILL THESE TENDONS, SEE. (Achilles tendoncy) (By Alan Combs)
 
64. AN OPTOMETRYST  (By Gary Hallock)
 
65. PHOENICIAN BLINDS (By Stan Kegel)
 
66. AN ALTER RAIN VEHICLE  (By Gary Hallock)
 
67. SPAMNESIA (By Tiff Wimberly)
 
68. AN ANTI-HISS-TAMINE(By David Bunch)
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 29 Nov 1998 00:13:37 +0000
From:    Jack Shea <jshumor@BERK.COM>
Subject: More Stories...
 
A grave digger in England has become fed up with his job and
decided on a new career, he's decided to join the circus as a
clown.
               ---------------
 
A group of bank robbers in this state amazingly tried to make their
getaway in a bright gold colored Caddy. It wasn't difficult for the
cops to find them even in heavy traffic. How many gold Caddies are
on the road at any one time? Some crooks are so stupid they deserve
to be caught.
               ---------------
 
Here's an actual press release from the Libertarian Pary.
 
California decriminalizes Caesar salad and Libertarian Party
cheers "victory"
 
WASHINGTON, DC -- California decriminalized the sale of Caesar
salad this week -- and it's not a moment too soon, the Libertarian
Party said today.

"When you outlaw Caesar salad, only outlaws will eat Caesar salad,"
noted the party's Director of Communications, Bill Winter. "That's
why, on the issue of Caesar salad, we Libertarians have always
been pro-legalization."
 
Selling Caesar salad became a crime last year when California
legislators passed a new health law banning the sale of food that
used raw eggs as an ingredient. Unexpectedly, the law included
Caesar salad, which uses uncooked eggs in its unique dressing.
 
Restaurant owners and fans of the popular salad were outraged. The
outcry convinced state legislators to file a new bill to cancel the
criminal status of Caesar salad -- and, presumably, end what might
have become a flourishing black market in contraband romaine
lettuce, raw eggs, and Parmesan cheese.
 
The bill, signed into law by Governor Pete Wilson on Monday, has
Libertarians cheering -- but a little surprised.
   
"We have to compliment California legislators for their rare
display of good sense," acknowledged Winter. "Although we're a bit
surprised that they were courageous enough to toss the Caesar salad
law entirely."
 
Libertarians had expected politicians to take a more timid, gradual
approach, said Winter, perhaps...
 
* Implementing a five-day waiting period for Caesar salad, so
  the government could do a medical background check for raw-egg
  allergies.
 
* Legalizing only "medical Caesar salad" -- whereby people with
  a vitamin deficiency could get a doctor's permission to buy a
  small amount of Caesar salad for their own personal use.
 
* Launching an anti-Caesar salad TV advertising blitz, perhaps
  with a commercial showing a frying pan, and then showing a frying
  pan with a raw egg in it. The voice-over could be: "This is your
  brain. This is your brain on Caesar salad."
 
* Allowing only adults, 21 and over, the right to buy Caesar
  salad, on the grounds that it may be an adolescent's
  gateway-salad to stronger stuff, like macaroni salad or
  three-bean salad.
 
But Libertarians say they are delighted with the bold, unexpected
victory over the "Just Say No to Caesar Salad" lobby -- and argue
that it's a win for libertarianism and the American way of life.
 
"We support the Constitutional right of every American to keep and
bear a Caesar salad -- or, rather, to eat and buy a Caesar salad,"
said Winter. "All joking aside, it's a setback for those political
eggheads who think they have the right to micromanage every aspect
of our lives -- down to the type of salad we buy in a restaurant.
Hopefully, politicians will learn to just lettuce alone."
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 28 Nov 1998 to 29 Nov 1998
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