HUMOR Digest - 27 Nov 1998 to 28 Nov 1998
There are 10 messages totalling 390 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. In The News - Humorous News Quips
  2. Life in the USA
  3. The Baker's Assistant (Puns)
  4. Vanity Plates
  5. 12 Days of Christmas - AOL Style
  6. HUMOR Digest - 26 Nov 1998 to 27 Nov 1998
  7. Sad News <groan>
  8. Turkey Day at the Coles - No bad words,
     but this should offend just
  9. Question & Answer
 10. More True Stories
 
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Date:    Thu, 26 Nov 1998 23:24:39 -0800
From:    elambert <elambert@IX.NETCOM.COM>
Subject: In The News - Humorous News Quips
 
In The news - Edited excerpts from the LA Times
Includes some late night humor
 
WARNING... may be offensive to people in the news, men, women,
models, aging performers and grumpy old astronauts. Includes sexual
references.
 
According to the Star, Monica Lewinsky is considering a job as
spokesperson for Weight Watchers. A lot of guys will get excited
to hear their wives are going on the Lewinsky diet... "Honey, I
don't care if you lose weight... just TRY it!" (Leno)
 
According to newly released documents, Kenneth Starr made $1.2
million from his legal practice last year, and his family assets
total $4.5 million. When asked about it, Starr replied, "Hey, can't
a guy have a private life?"
 
According to a new poll, 67% of men would love to have Hillary
Clinton as a wife. Well, sure... look what you could get away with!
(Leno)
 
John Glenn scolded the media for focusing on his age and fame
instead of the scientific merits of his shuttle mission. Now, Glenn
will star with Walter Matthau and Jack Lemmon in "Grumpy Old
Astronauts."
 
Patrizia Martinelli, ex-wife of fashion heir Maurizio Gucci, was
convicted of ordering her husband's murder and was sentenced to 29
years in prison. Most agree this is a tremendous price for a Gucci
knockoff. (O'Brien)
 
Model Kate Moss checked herself into a clinic after suffering
"exhaustion". The other models were so upset when they heard she
was ill, they went into the bathroom and threw up BEFORE lunch.
 
Hustler magazine publisher Larry Flynt reportedly has offered to
buy Cincinnati Reds majority Marge Schott's interest in the team.
If he buys the team, every night will be ball night.
 
Operators of the Chunnel, the underwater tunnel between England and
France, reported a loss of $220 million for the first half of the
year. Officials say stingy commuters, who try to save money on the
toll by packing several people into the same car, are to blame for
the loss. It's a condition known as "carpool tunnel syndrome."
 
South African customs officials seized four illegal shipments of
Viagra. They became suspicious when the crates read: This Side Way
Up!
 
Clothing manufacturers are producing jeans made of Teflon. Not only
do they last longer, but on a hot day you can grill up some great
fajitas.
 
McDonald's has a new series of TV commercials aimed at kids as
young as 2 years old. This explains their new sandwich, the
McNipple. (O'Brien)
 
Victoria's Secret has come out with a $5 million bra encrusted with
diamonds. I don't care how beautiful it is... I can't get excited
about underwear described as "encrusted". (Leno)
 
In announcing his retirement as chairman of the board of the
Dodgers, Peter O'Mallet said, "It's time for me to just be a Dodger
fan". Apparently he hasn't been watching them play...
 
Ozzy Osbourne and Black Sabbath are getting back together for a six
week tour. Ozzy's getting kind of old, though... remember how he
used to bite the head off a bat? Now they have to cut it up into
little pieces... (Leno)
 
The sequel to "Babe" has been released. In "Pig In The City", Babe
goes to town to save the farm from foreclosure, gets lost and ends
up sleeping around town. Sometimes pigs can be such men...
 
Nickelodeon has announced that it will launch a new cable channel
expressly for women. Programs will not begin at precise times, but
rather, will be aired on a "when ready" schedule.
 
The PBS children's show "Sesame Street" is under fire for accepting
corporate sponsorship for the first time. In fact, some of the most
vocal critics are the shows own stars, Kermit the Budweiser Frog,
Vlasic Pickle Me Elmo, Big Bird's Eye, Oreo Cookie Monster and Miss
Piggly Wiggly.
 
Makers of the movie "Bride of Chuckie" are already working on
another sequel. They will have 10,000 screaming kids running around
while their parents get drunk on beer. It will be called "Bride of
Chucky Cheese."
 
Actor Kevin Costner will star in "13 Days", a film about the Cuban
missile crisis. He's perfect for the part. Who knows more about
cinematic bombs than Costner?
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 27 Nov 1998 03:31:06 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Life in the USA
 
* So many products are no longer made in the US.  We import so much
  now, from cars to TV sets.  In fact, I'd be willing to bet that
  there are teenage delinquents who have never stolen a US product.
                                - - - - -
 
* For the unemployed in the US there's now unemployment insurance
  available for only $1.50 per week.  If the government does find
  you a job, you get a lawyer to fight it.
                                - - - - -
 
* A street-wise city kid sez to his Mother: "Ma, the man's here to
  repossess the car again.  Do you have the money, or should I go
  play in the park for an hour ?"
                                - - - - -
 
* Long ago when kids got an allowance, they were grateful for the
  spending money.  These days, the kids look at it as something
  parents pay kids to live in the same house with them.
                                - - - - -
 
* Believe it or not, the US actually has more lawyers than doctors.
  Most seem to do OK too.  But that's mainly because our US laws
  protect anyone who can afford to hire a sharp lawyer.
                                - - - - -
 
* Never trust a jogger in the US.  I mean any idiot who endures
  muscle cramps, swelling legs as well as lungs that feel as if
  they're on fire, then tells you that they jog because it makes
  them feel good, will probably lie about anything.
                                - - - - -
 
* On the news the other evening, after Saddam backed-down for the
  117th time, they showed the streets in Baghdad crowded with men,
  their arms in the air, all jumping up & down.  Mrs JimJr asked
  what they were doing, and I told her that was Saddam's elite
  guard practicing surrender maneuvers in case we did invade.
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Indexed UGA Humor Digests 1997-1998:
     (text)  www2.crosswinds.net/baltimore/~jimjr
      (zip)  www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
Message Board:
     www.InsideTheWeb.com/mbs.cgi/mb212137
 
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 26 Nov 1998 23:58:25 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: The Baker's Assistant (Puns)
 
Many years ago, a baker's assistant called Richard the Pourer,
whose job it was to pour the dough mixture in the making of sausage
rolls, noted that he was running low on one of the necessary
spices, He sent his apprentice to the store to buy more.
 
Unfortunately, upon arriving at the shop, the young man realized
that he had forgotten the name of the ingredient. All he could do
was to tell the shopkeeper that... it was for Richard the Pourer,
for batter for wurst.
          -By Douglas Wood
 
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Date:    Fri, 27 Nov 1998 07:02:44 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Vanity Plates
 
Plate:   ICNCYDU
Meaning: I see inside you, a radiologist's plate
 
Plate:   CYIMBRK
Meaning: See Why I'm broke, found on a cherry 95 ford 3/4 ton truck
 
Plate:   OH2B39
Meaning: A woman in her early 50's has had this plate for about the
         last ten years
 
Plate:   YURNEXT
Meaning: On the car of an undertaker
 
Plate:   1DFOAL
Meaning: "Wonderful" (On a Ford Mustang. Get it? Foal as in baby
          horse)
 
Plate:   4SAFETY
Meaning: on a Volvo, what else?
 
Plate:   9MPGWOW
Meaning: 9 Miles Per Gallon, Wow! On a 1966 Cadillac Sedan DeVille
 
Plate:   AV8RX
Meaning: Aviatrix (female pilot)
 
Plate:   KPASAMDK
Meaning: (Que) Pasa MD [What's up Doc?]
 
Plate:   TOOLONG
Meaning: On a Lincoln super-long limo owned by Super Limousine,
         Seattle, WA.
 
Plate:   W8N4FRI
Meaning: Waitin' for Friday... join the club!
 
Plate:   WNDWS95
Meaning: Windows 95, On a customized 95 Chevy Astro Van
 
Plate:   XKWIZIT
Meaning: Exquisite, on a '56 speedster
 
Plate:   ZMEGOBYU
Meaning: See me go by you!
 
Plate:   CME4AD8
Meaning: See me for a date
 
Plate:   CME4DK
Meaning: See me for decay, on a dentist's car
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 27 Nov 1998 09:03:03 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: 12 Days of Christmas - AOL Style
 
On the twelfth day of AOL those buttheads gave to me,
 
12 reasons to cancel,
 
11 channels not working,
 
10 hours without mail,
 
9 frozen chat rooms,
 
8 hours of busy signals,
 
7 frozen IMs,
 
6 disconnections,
 
5 web crashes,
 
4 idiots at tech help,
 
3 error messages,
 
2 pieces of junk mail,
 
and a jerk cursing in a chat room.
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 27 Nov 1998 09:11:48 -0600
From:    alan waldie <alan@MAIL.MYRIAD.NET>
Subject: Re: HUMOR Digest - 26 Nov 1998 to 27 Nov 1998
 
     [Message removed for Archival Purposes]
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 27 Nov 1998 11:03:23 -0500
From:    Lee_Bradley <lbradley@VALDOSTA.EDU>
Subject: Sad News <groan>
 
Just got this from R. Terry; source unnamed.
 
Dr. Vincent Beraid, an expert in designer genes, specialized in
creating large animals for meat production.  Dr. Beraid's death
occurred during the development of a hog weighing over two tons.
 
Dr. Beraid used almost eighty gorilla clones trained to carry out
the mundane daily tasks of caring for this brute, who looked
remarkably like Jabba the Hut.  One of the complicating factors in
caring for this beast was his terrible bad breath.  After feeding,
It was necessary for several of the apes to force over 100 Chlorets
down his throat before anyone could go into the lab.
 
On the day of the doctor's death, one of the gorillas spilled the
breath freshener tablets onto the floor.  The doctor became enraged
and began beating the poor ape.  His brothers rioted and
pandemonium ensued.  It was four days before the police could enter
the area with hermetically sealed Caterpillar bulldozers.
 
Portions of Dr. Beraid's remains were DNA fingerprinted from wall
and ceiling residue.  The apes were genetically reprogrammed and
farmed out to area hotels for bell-hop duties.  Hormel and Tyson
have submitted bids for the hog.  Dr. Beraid's remains were fresh
frozen and purchased by New York attorney Barry Sheck for an
undisclosed sum.
 
The police report summarizing the event states... "Seventy-six
strong clones fed the pig Beraid with a hundred and ten Chlorets
close at hand."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 27 Nov 1998 16:51:36 -0500
From:    Jerry Alan Cole <smokin@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Turkey Day at the Coles - No bad words, but this should
         offend just
 
My annual Thanksgiving joke.
 
We had a great Thanksgiving this year.  My mom decided not to serve
the family's traditional Swan.  That's a shame because it's so much
fun to watch the kids fight over the neck.  This year we observed
an endangered species meal.  As a first course, we had lightly
sauteed spotted owl garnished with grilled snail darters.  The main
course was a magnificent Califorina Condor with a stuffing made
with baby seal sausage.  Yum, Yum!
 
Our special dinner guest this year was O.J.
Nobody carves white meat like he does!
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 27 Nov 1998 15:53:37 -0700
From:    Emko Witteveen <e_witt@SHAW.WAVE.CA>
Subject: Question & Answer
 
Q: If an athlete get "athlete's foot", what does an astronaut get?
 
A: "Mistletoe "
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 28 Nov 1998 00:20:08 +0000
From:    Jack Shea <jshumor@BERK.COM>
Subject: More True Stories
 
A British supermarket chain are testing a new variety of the famous
baked bean. The latest idea, in a bid to appeal to children, is
baked beans in chocolate sauce as opposed to the traditional tomato
sauce.
                    ------------------
 
After eight years of research, scientists in England have
determined the best way to get tomato sauce out of a glass bottle.
During the mammoth task they studied various alternative like using
a knife in the neck of the bottle and leaving the bottle standing
on its cap but a good old slap on the base proved most effective.
As luck would have it their years of toil appear to have been in
vain as plastic squeezy bottles slowly replace traditional glass
ones.
                    ------------------
 
A geologist has determined that it's dead fish, granite and
volcanic rock which gives Scotch whisky its distinctive flavour.
The fossilised fish help flavour the deep water sources that
traditional Scottish distilleries use.
 
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End of HUMOR Digest - 27 Nov 1998 to 28 Nov 1998
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