HUMOR Digest - 26 Nov 1998 to 27 Nov 1998
There are 5 messages totalling 217 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Thanksgiving Day
  2. Addendum to Why writing a dissertation
     is harder than having a baby
  3. Some Smiles
  4. Turkey Stories
  5. How to cook a turkey
 
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Date:    Thu, 26 Nov 1998 03:35:34 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Thanksgiving Day
 
* Coexistence is probably best defined as what the farmer does
  with the turkey until Thanksgiving.
                           - - - - -
 
* Thanksgiving is a day in which Americans eat, drink and be merry;
  for tomorrow, they diet.
                           - - - - -
 
* Mrs JimJr always attaches a lot of religion to our Thanksgiving
  celebration.  At least that's what I've always thought her intent
  was -- I mean... with all those burnt offerings and all.
                           - - - - -
 
* I'm not saying Mrs JimJr's turkey gravy is thick, but when I stir
  it, three people have to hold the dining room table in place to
  prevent it from spinning around.
                           - - - - -
 
* One of the treats for me on Thanksgiving is real cider. A local
  farmer was sold out though.  He asked how much I wanted and I
  told him just a couple of gallons.  He said, "Young fella, damn
  if I'll ruin a whole apple just to make you 2 gallons of cider."
                            - - - - -
 
* Traditionally in the US, Thanksgiving was the beginning of the
  Christmas shopping season.  These days, the merchants start the
  "Holiday Season" around Halloween.  If this trend continues,
  instead of welcoming Santa during the Thanksgiving Day parade,
  he'll be the bearded fat guy in swim trucks on the 4th of July.
                           - - - - -
 
* When ya think about it, Thanksgiving is an ideal holiday for us
  guys.  Here, at the Moore homestead, Mrs JimJr is in the kitchen
  all day and not bothering me.  When the family and guests arrive,
  all the guys can lay around, drink and watch football; eat dinner
  like horses and not be nagged; then back to still more drinking
  and football.  Why can't we have Thanksgiving once a month ?
 
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Date:    Thu, 26 Nov 1998 05:05:59 -0500
From:    Michael Pollak <mpollak@PANIX.COM>
Subject: Addendum to Why writing a dissertation
         is harder than having a baby
 
When your dissertation is finished, your advisor stops bugging you.
When you have a baby, the world suddenly fills up with people ready
to advise you.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 26 Nov 1998 07:03:37 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Some Smiles
 
During her annual checkup, the well-constructed miss was asked to
disrobe and climb onto the examining table. "Doctor," she replied
shyly, "I just can't undress in front of you."
"All right," said the physician, "I'll flick off the lights. You
undress and tell me when you're through." In a few moments, her
voice rang out in the darkness: "Doctor, I've undressed. What shall
I do with my clothes?"
"Put them on the chair, on top of mine."
                    --------------------
 
Q: Whats the similarity between bungee jumping and sex with a
   prostitute???
A: Well, they both cost about $100, they both last for around 30
   seconds & in both cases if the rubber breaks, you are a dead
   man.
                    --------------------
 
Angus McClod walks into a bar and asks for a bottle of forty-year
old Scotch. The bartender, not wanting to go down to the basement
and deplete his supply of the rare and expensive liquor, pours a
shot of ten-year Scotch and figures that his customer won't be able
to tell the difference.
Angus downs the Scotch and says: "My good man, that Scotch is only
ten years old. I specifically asked for forty-year old Scotch."
Amazed, the bartender reaches into a locked cabinet underneath the
bar and pulls out a bottle of twenty-year old Scotch and pours the
man a shot.
The customer drinks it down and says, "That was twenty-year old
Scotch. I asked for forty-year old Scotch." So the bartender goes
into the back room and brings out a bottle of thirty-year old
Scotch and pours the customer a drink.
By now a small crowd has gathered around the man and is watching
anxiously as he downs the latest drink. Once again Angus states the
true age of the Scotch and repeats his original request for
forty-year old Scotch.
 
The bartender can hold off no longer and disappears into the cellar
to get a bottle of prime forty-year old Scotch. Soon, the bartender
returns with the bottle and pours a shot. Angus downs the Scotch
and says, "Now this is forty-year old Scotch!" The crowd applauds
his discriminating palate.
 
An old drunk who had been watching the proceedings with interest,
raises a full shot glass of his own: "I bet you think you're real
smart," slurs the drunk. "Here, take a swig of this." Rising to the
challenge, Angus takes the glass and downs the drink in one
swallow. Immediately, he chokes and spits out the liquid on the
barroom floor.
 
"My God!" Angus exclaims. "That tastes like piss!"
 
"Great guess," says the drunk. "Now, how old am I?"
                    --------------------
 
A woman in the bar says that she wants to have plastic surgery to
enlarge her breasts. Her husband tells her, "Hey, you don't need
surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery."
The lady asks, "How do I do it without surgery?"
"Just rub toilet paper between them."
"How does that make them bigger?"
"I don't know, but it worked for your ass."
                    --------------------
 
A huge half-drunk thug walks into a bar and shouts, "you all on the
left side of the bar are cocksuckers and you all on the right side
are motherfuckers." Suddenly a man ran from the right to the left
side of the bar. "Where are you going, squirt?" The big man asked.
 
"I was on the wrong side of the bar, sir!"
                    --------------------
 
A cop on horseback is at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid
on his bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there.
Santa bring that to you?" The kid says, "Yeah." The cop says, "Tell
Santa next year to put a taillight on that bike."
 
The kid says, "Nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to
you?" The cop says, "Yeah." The kid says, "Well, tell Santa next
year to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."
                    --------------------
 
                          NEWS FLASH
 
The Washington Post reported today that Monica Lewinsky recently
went to a plastic surgeon. Stung by all the jokes about being
overweight, she was thinking about having her love handles removed.
However, she decided not to go through with it after the doctor
told her that removing both ears would cause complete and total
deafness.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 26 Nov 1998 08:37:48 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Turkey Stories
 
     True Stories from the Butterball Turkey Hotline,
            Where people call to get advice how
            to cook a Turkey from the experts.
 
Thanksgiving Dinner on the run. A woman called <their number> to
find out how long it would take to roast her turkey. To answer
the question, the Talk-Line home economist asked how much the
bird weighed. The woman responded, "I don't know, it's still
running around outside."
 
Tofu turkey? No matter how you slice it, Thanksgiving just isn't
Thanksgiving without turkey. A restaurant owner in California
wanted to know how to roast a turkey for a vegetarian menu
 
Then there's the time a lady was picking through the frozen
turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough
for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get
any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 26 Nov 1998 08:20:18 PST
From:    Marine about to retire <hardwickj@ESSEX.USMC.MIL>
Subject: How to cook a turkey
 
               HOW TO COOK A TURKEY
 
 Step 1: Go buy a turkey
 Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey
 Step 3: Put turkey in the oven
 Step 4: Take another two drinks of whiskey
 Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens
 Step 6: Take three more whiskeys of drink
 Step 7: Turn oven the on
 Step 8: Take four whisks of drinkey
 Step 9: Turk the bastey
Step 10: Whiskey another bottle of get
Step 11: Stick a turkey in the thermometer
Step 12: Glass yourself another pour of whiskey
Step 13: Bake the whiskey for four hours
Step 14: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 15: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 16: Floor the turkey up off of the pick
Step 17: Turk the carvey
Step 18: Get yourself another scottle of botch
Step 19: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey
Step 20: Bless the saying, pass and eat out.
 
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End of HUMOR Digest - 26 Nov 1998 to 27 Nov 1998
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