HUMOR Digest - 24 Nov 1998 to 25 Nov 1998
There are 11 messages totalling 529 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Religion
  2. Kissing The Blarney Stone
  3. THANKSGIVING RECIPES
  4. Bar Room Translations
  5. Labels of Distinction
  6. Thanksgiving meal <47 lines long>
  7. i Don't Wanna go
  8. Another Bar Joke (Pun)
  9. one liners <adult and cynical>
 10. Common Sense? <clean>
 11. Golf joke (classic)
 
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Date:    Tue, 24 Nov 1998 02:52:20 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Religion
 
* Can't you imagine if Priests are ever allowed to marry ?
  Their kids would have to call them "Father Daddy."
                           - - - - -
 
* One Yuppie couple from Columbia Maryland even got a divorce
  over religion.  She worshipped money, and he didn't have much.
                           - - - - -
 
* I understand that a lot of Columbia Maryland Yuppies are now
  embracing all religions.  Seems they don't want to blow Heaven
  on a technicality.
                           - - - - -
 
* The sexton met the Rabbi at the door of the temple and exclaimed,
  "Rabbi, someone broke into the synagogue office last night and
  stole eighteen-thousand dollars in pledges."
                           - - - - -
 
* For those outside the US, I'm afraid the White House isn't the
  only place ridden with sex scandals. Just about all US religions
  have suffered similar scandalous behavior from some of their
  clergy. Years ago, a Minister's only "black book" was the Bible.
                           - - - - -
 
*   The richest man in the small town lay dying in the hospital.
  All of the local religious orders wanted to be remembered in
  his will.  The Catholic Priest had already been denied access
  to his room by the old man, as had the Baptist Minister.
    The Lutheran Pastor, a female, dresses up like a Nurse and
  goes to the hospital.  She returned shortly though and the
  Church Secretary asked what had happened.
    "Oh..." replied Pastor Susan, "I'm afraid Doctor Ruthenburg
  from the Synagogue had me thrown out of the room."
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 24 Nov 1998 07:02:03 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Kissing The Blarney Stone
 
A group of Americans was touring Ireland. One of the women in the
group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining. The bus seats
are uncomfortable the food is terrible It's too hot, It's too cold
and the accommodations are awful.
 
The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone."Good
luck will be following you all your days, if you kiss the Blarney
Stone," the guide said. "Unfortunately, it's being cleaned today
and so no one will be able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back
tomorrow."
 
"We can't be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted. "We have some
other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can't kiss the stupid
stone."
 
"Well now," the guide said, "it is said that if you kiss someone
who has kissed the stone, you'll have the same good fortune."
 
"And I suppose you've kissed the stone," the woman scoffed.
 
"No, ma'am," the irritated guide said, "but I've sat on it."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 24 Nov 1998 08:40:13 -0500
From:    Paul Benoit <Paul_Benoit@SPEEDLINE.COOKSON.COM>
Subject: THANKSGIVING RECIPES
 
     THANKSGIVING RECIPES
     by
     Mrs. Geraghty's Kindergarten Class
 
     NOTE: Mrs. Geraghty will not be responsible for
     medical bills resulting from use of her cookbook.
 
Ivette -- Banana Pie
You buy some bananas and crust.  Then you mash them up and put
them in the pie.  Then you eat it.
          --------------------
 
Russell -- Turkey
You cut the turkey up and put it in the oven for ten minutes and
300 degrees.  You put gravy on it and eat it.
          --------------------
 
Geremy -- Turkey
You buy the turkey and take the paper off.  Then you put it in
the refrigerator and take it back out and cut it with a knife and
make sure all the wires are out and take out the neck and heart.
Then you put it in a big pan and cook it for half an hour at 80
degrees.  Then you invite people over and eat.
          --------------------
 
Andrew -- Pizza
Buy some dough, some cheese and pepperoni.  Then you cook it for
10 hours at 5 degrees.  Then you eat it.
          --------------------
 
Shelby -- Applesauce
Go to the store and buy some apples, and then you squish them up.
Then you put them in a jar that says, "Applesauce."  Then you eat
it.
          --------------------
 
Christa -- Cookies
Buy some dough and smash it and cut them out.  Then put them in
the oven for 2 hours at 100 degrees.  Then take them out and dry
them off.  Then it's time to eat them.
          --------------------
 
Jordan Simons -- Chocolate Pudding
Buy some chocolate pudding mix.  Then you add the milk. Then you
add the pudding mix.  Then you stir it. Then you put it in the
refrigerator and wait for it to get hard.  Then you eat it.
          --------------------
 
Jason -- Chicken Pie
Put the chicken in the pot and put the salad and cheese and mustard
and then you mix it all together.  Then put chicken sauce and stir
it all around again.  Then you cook it for 5 minutes at 9 degrees.
Then you eat it.
          --------------------
 
Christopher -- Pumpkin Pie
First you buy a pumpkin and smash it.  Then it is all done.  You
cook it in the oven for 12 minutes at 4 degrees.  Then you eat it.
          --------------------
 
Isabelle -- Spaghetti
Put those red things in it.  Then put the spaghetti in it.  Then
cook it in the oven for 2 minutes at 8 degrees.
          --------------------
 
Nicholas -- White and Brown Pudding
First you read the wrapper.  Get a piece of water.  Stir.  Then you
eat it.
 
          -from Frank Morris via "McHawlist"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 24 Nov 1998 08:55:11 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Bar Room Translations
 
 1. "You get this one, next round is on me."
     (We won't be here long enough to get another round.)
 2. "I'll get this one, next one is on you."
     (Happy hour is about to end... drafts are now a dollar,
      but by the next round they'll be $4.50 a pop.)
 3. "Hey, where is that friend of yours?"
    (I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get
     your attractive friend into a compromising position.)
 4. "Can I get a glass of white zinfandel."  (female)
     (I'm easy.)
 5. "Can I get a glass of white zinfandel." (male)
     (I'm gay.)
 6. "Ever try a body shot?" (male to female)
     (I am even willing to drink tequila if it means that I
      get to lick you.)
 7. "Ever try a body shot?" (female to male)
     (If this is how wild I am in the bar, imagine what I'll do
      to you on the ride home?)
 8. "I don't feel well, let's go home." (female)
     (You are paying more attention to your friends than me.)
 9. I don't feel well, let's go home." (male)
     (I'm horny.)
10. "Who's got the next round?"
     (I haven't bought a round in almost 3 years, but I am an
      expert at diverting attention.)
11. "Excuse Me." (male to male)
     (Get the hell out of the way.)
12. "Excuse Me." (male to female)
     (I am going to grope you now.)
13. "Excuse Me." (female to male)
     (Don't even think about groping me, just get the hell
      out of the way.)
14. "Excuse Me." (female to female)
     (Move your fat ass.  Who do you think you are anyway?
      You are not all that, missy, and don't think for one
      minute that you are.  Coming in here dressing like a ho...
      Get your eyes off of my man, or I'll slap you, bitch,
      like the slut you are.)
15. "What do you have on tap?"
     (What's cheap?)
16. "Can I have a white Russian?" (male)
     (I'm *really* gay.)
17. "Can I have a white Russian?"  (female)
     (I'm *really* easy.)
18. "That person looks really familiar."
     (Did I sleep with him/her?)
19. "Can I just get a glass of water?" (female)
     (I'm annoying, but cute enough to get away with this.)
20. "I don't have my ID on me." (female)
     (I'm 19.)
21. "I don't have my ID on me." (male)
     (I don't have a license since I got pulled over and
      blew a 0.4 after my last visit here)
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 24 Nov 1998 16:50:16 -0500
From:    Gwen Eckman <geckman@POLARIS.UMUC.EDU>
Subject: Labels of Distinction
 
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed,
here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:
 
 On Sears hair dryer:
 Do not use while sleeping.
 
 On a bag of Fritos:
 You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
 
 On a bar of Dial soap:
 Directions: Use like regular soap.
 
 Some Swanson frozen dinners:
 Serving suggestion: Defrost.
 
 On a hotel-provided shower cap in a box:
 Fits one head.
 
 On Tesco's Tiramisu desert:
 Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)
 
 On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
 Product will be hot after heating
 
 On packaging for a Rowenta Iron:
 Do not iron clothes on body
 
 On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine
 Do not drive car or operate machinery
 
 On Nytol (a sleep aid):
 Warning: may cause drowsiness
 
 On a Korean kitchen knife:
 Warning keep out of children
 
 On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
 For indoor or outdoor use only.
 
 On a Japanese food processor:
 Not to be used for the other use
 
 On Sainsbury's Peanuts
 Warning: contains nuts
 
 On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
 Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
 
 On a Swedish chain saw:
 Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
 
          (original source unknown)
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 24 Nov 1998 16:59:11 -0500
From:    Lee_Bradley <lbradley@VALDOSTA.EDU>
Subject: Thanksgiving meal <47 lines long>
 
For Thanksgiving, we've invited all our immediate relatives for
lunch, and we're looking forward to it. I'm tellin' you, this
trailer's gonna be wall-to-wall relatives.  I can jes hear 'em now:
 
"Is Daddy gonna eat with us, or is he gonna sit in the car all day?"
 
"Why's my kid always got to drink out of the jelly glasses?
 Marvene's kids never does!"
 
"What time does Jerry Springer come on here?  Y'all still got the
 cable spliced in here, ain'tcha?
 
"Would you just look at that?  I always try to give MY guests a
 plate that ain't cracked or chipped, preferring to eat from it
 myself."
 
"Do you mind if we eat in front of the TV?  They's a Black and
 Decker informercial I just don't wanna miss."
 
"Oh, don't you never mind about thaaaaat.  Not everybody can cook
 cornbread as good as I can.  Don't worry -- they'll eat it!"
 
"I wuz jes sittin thar, quiet as a mouse, and then he come in to my
 sights.  I squeeze and SPLAT! Bye-bye, Bambi!  Pass me some more
 venison, Bubba."
 
"Momma, do I haaave to eat her cookin? You said yo'se'f you hated it."
 
"You chi'ren stop playing on that sheet metal!"
 
"I'd just LUV for y'all to come to Christmas dinner at my house,
 but Jimbo says he ain't gone stay with me no more and I jes don't
 think I can buy all them groceries by my own self."
 
"If you wuz to put as much attention to them kids as you do to your
 guns, they wouldn't be sent home from school ever' other day with
 head lice."
 
"Harvey's gonna move over to Mr. Autrey's garage, where they's an
 opening on the grease rack.  He says they ain't no future as a
 painter's helper, and we expecting our fifth young'un this spring.
 No, it don't show much right now, but I know I'm P.G., 'cause I
 gotta a lotta gas.  I always get a lotta gas when I'm carrying.
 Is they any more sweet tater rounds?"
 
"Can anybody tell me why John is puttin gravy on his beans?  Is
 they sumpin wrong with the BEANS,  John?"
 
Happy Thanksgiving, Turkey.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 24 Nov 1998 20:50:28 -0600
From:    RANEBOUX <wett@GS.VERIO.NET>
Subject: i Don't Wanna go
 
Thanksgiving day was approaching and the family had received a
Thanksgiving card with a painting of a pilgrim family on their way
to church. Grandma showed the card to her small grandchildren,
observing: "The Pilgrim children liked to go to church with their
mothers and fathers."
 
Oh yeah?" her young grandson replied, "so why is their dad carrying
that rifle?"
 
HAPPY THANKSGIVING ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 24 Nov 1998 18:48:25 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Another Bar Joke (Pun)
 
A man walks into a bar, climbs up on a stool, opens a bag and
proceeds to stuff his ears with whipped cream and to spread
strawberries in his hair.
 
The bartender watches this performance with amazement before
asking, "What would you like to drink 7"
 
"You'll have to speak up," replies the man...  "I'm a trifle,
hard of hearing."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 24 Nov 1998 20:08:29 -0800
From:    Steven & Susan <sgarrett@NWRAIN.COM>
Subject: one liners <adult and cynical>
 
What's the difference between light and hard?
You can sleep with a light on.
 
Why do women rub their eyes when they get out of bed?
Because, they don't have balls to scratch.
 
Why is sex like a bridge game?
You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.
 
What's the definition of mixed emotions?
When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new
car.
 
What's the height of conceit?
Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
 
What's the definition of macho?
Jogging home from your own vasectomy.
 
What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?
Their balls are just for decoration.
 
Why don't blind people like to sky dive?
Because it scares the hell out of the dog.
 
How do you double the value of a Yugo?
You fill it with gas.
 
What do the LAPD and the Green Bay Packers have in common?
Neither of them can stop a Bronco.
 
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.
 
What's the difference between a lawyer and God?
God doesn't think he's a lawyer.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 25 Nov 1998 09:41:22 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMCLTD.COM>
Subject: Common Sense? <clean>
 
          What women really mean?
 
No= No.
 
Yes = No.
 
Maybe = No.
 
I'm sorry. = You'll be sorry.
 
We need = I want.
 
You want = You want.
 
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
 
We need to talk = I need to complain.
 
Sure... go ahead = I don't want you to.
 
I'll be ready in a minute. = Kick off your shoes and find a good
                             game on TV.
 
You have to learn to communicate. = Just agree with me.
 
Are you listening to me!? = Too late, you're dead.
 
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
 
You're... so manly = You need a shave...
 
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.
 
I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and
                      wallpaper...
 
Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!
 
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.
 
Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to fix, so you'd better get
                           used to it.
 
How much do you love me? = I did something today you're not going
                           to like.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 24 Nov 1998 21:32:59 -0700
From:    Sue Birkenseer <Sue@CIRCUSPREPRESS.COM>
Subject: Golf joke (classic)
 
          The Devil and the Golfer
 
A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a
couple of strokes. The golfer says to himself: "I'd give anything
to sink this next putt."
 
A stranger walks up to him and whispers: "Would you give up a
fourth of your sex life?" The golfer thinks the man is crazy and
that his answer will be meaningless but also that perhaps this is
a good omen and will put him in the right frame of mind to make the
difficult putt and says, "OK."  And sinks the putt.
 
Two holes later he mumbles to himself: "Boy, if I could only get an
eagle on this hole."
 
The same stranger moves to his side and says, "Would it be worth
another fourth of your sex life?
 
The golfer shrugs and says, "Sure." And he makes an eagle.
 
Down to the final hole. The golfer needs yet another eagle to win.
Though he says nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says,
"Would you be willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win
this match?"  The golfer says, "Certainly."  And makes the eagle.
 
As the golfer walks to the club house, the stranger walks alongside
and says, "You know, I've really not been fair with you because
you don't know who I am.  I'm the devil, and from now on you will
have no sex life."
 
"Nice to meet you," says the golfer. "My name's Father O'Malley."
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 24 Nov 1998 to 25 Nov 1998
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