HUMOR Digest - 23 Nov 1998 to 24 Nov 1998
There are 12 messages totalling 604 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Meetings <clean>
  2. Happy Anniversary
  3. You Know You're From California When...
  4. Protecting your kids from <adult, insensitive to kids>
  5. My Best Buddy
  6. Ready For Takeoff <adult>
  7. TromBOOM  <humor from the world of music>
  8. The answers revealled <Sorry, ladies, but men had to be told>
  9. The Magic Mirror
 10. Fw: Inspirational Messages
 11. The Triangle (Pun)
 12. Animal Jokes <clean>
 
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Date:    Sun, 22 Nov 1998 23:42:11 PST
From:    r s <jeetay@HOTMAIL.COM>
Subject: Meetings <clean>
 
There was great disorder in the Hall of the August Personages.
 
"All these meetings have really confused me," said the Lord of
Storms. "Now I don't know if I have to send rain or generate a
storm."
 
The Lord of Happiness was equally furious. " I don't know if I have
to reward a person with a lucky win or deliver hope to their
doorstep."
 
"What about me ?" said the Lord of Natural Disasters, "I don't know
when to move the Earth or when to erupt a volcano."
 
The Lord of Orders (whose job was to organise meetings) finally
spoke. "Let us," he said, " hold a meeting to discuss our
meetings."
 
Moral: A rooster only gets pleasure in crowing.
 
 
http://members.xoom.com/RanjeetSingh/main.html
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 23 Nov 1998 04:24:36 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Happy Anniversary
 
With the continuing interest in the Internet, all three local
TV stations in Baltimore Maryland descended upon my residence
when it was learned I had posted jokes daily for two years on
November 24, breaking all previous records world-wide.
 
The interviews were short-lived though.  When the first reporter
asked me how I found the time to devote to jokes and web pages
with a wife, two children & five grandchildren, as well as take
care of all the bushes and gardens on the property. I responded:
"Grandchildren ???  Bushes ???  Gardens ???" and that pretty
much ended the interviews.

                        =-=-=-=-=
 
I file all mail received concerning my jokes under either pro
or con, but this one stumped me as to which file to put it in:
"Your jokes never cease to amaze me."
                        =-=-=-=-=
 
Another reader commented on my personal touch to my jokes:
"You do a great job of telling jokes as if all these things
actually happen to you...  They don't, do they ???"
                        =-=-=-=-=
 
I received one letter which caused me to worry about some of the
people we have receiving the Humor List:  "Just to say thanks for
all your great contributions to Humor.  They seem original, really
evil, and with a personal vicious touch.  Keep em coming !"
                        =-=-=-=-=
 
Naturally my sexist humor draws a good bit of ire from the chicks:
"Now listen-up slick !!!  When a woman writes and demands to know
'What the hell is up with you ?' that's NOT a request from a
young maiden for more information on yourself.  Scheesch !!!"
                        =-=-=-=-=
 
Some fans offer advice: "You, my dear sir, have one of the most
devious minds I've ever encountered.  Hopefully, you'll continue
to channel your energies into Humor and not begin a life of crime,
or worse -- enter politics.  I shudder at either thought."
                        =-=-=-=-=
 
And of course, the college crowd keeps in touch from time to time:
"I am researching jokes on the heterogeneous nature of asymmetrical
colloid solutions and their effect on electrolytic dissociation.
Can you help?  Thanks in advance."
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Indexed UGA Humor Digests 1997-1998:
     (text)  www2.crosswinds.net/baltimore/~jimjr
      (zip)  www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
Message Board:
     www.InsideTheWeb.com/mbs.cgi/mb212137
 
To subscribe:
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     leave the subject area blank; in the BODY of the
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 23 Nov 1998 06:04:11 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: You Know You're From California When...
 
 1. The fastest part of your commute is down your driveway
 2. Your were born somewhere else
 3. You know how to eat an artichoke
 4. The primary bugs that you worry about are electronic
 5. Your car has bulletproof windows
 6. Left is right and right is wrong
 7. Your monthly house payments exceed your annual income
 8. Your mouse has only one ball
 9. If you need a new TV, you can run down to the local riot
    and pick one up
10. You dive under a desk whenever a large truck goes by
11. You can't find your other earring because your son is wearing
    it
12. You drive to your neighborhood block party
13. Your family tree contains "significant others"
14. Your cat has it's own psychiatrist
15. You don't exterminate your roaches, you smoke them
16. You see 25 lawyers chasing an ambulance
17. More than clothes come out of the closets
18. "The Dead" are best live
19. You go to a tanning salon before going to the beach
20. Your blind date turns out to be your ex-spouse
21. More money is spent on facelifts than on diapers
22. Smoking in your office is not optional
23. You pack shorts and a T-shirt for skiing in the snow and a
    sweater and a wetsuit for the beach
24. When you can't meet schedule because you must "do lunch"
25. Your children learn to walk in Birkenstocks
26. Rainstorms or thunder are the lead story for the local news
27. You'll reluctantly miss yoga class to wait for the hottub
    repairman
28. You consult your horoscope before planning your day
29. A glass has been reserved for you at your favorite winery
30. When all highways into the state say:  "No fruits"
31. All highways out of the state say:  "Go back"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 23 Nov 1998 13:06:47 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Protecting your kids from <adult, insensitive to kids>
 
Protecting Your Kids From Inappropriate On-Line Material
 
The Internet is an invaluable educational tool, but for parents,
it can also be a nightmare. Here are some tips for keeping your
kids away from sexually explicit websites and other questionable
on-line content.
 
o Drape your computer in terrifying slaughterhouse
  entrails to make it unappealing to youngsters.
o Go to the favorites file in your web browser. Retitle "Goat
  Porn" folder "Financial."
o Tape pages of The Bible securely over your child's eyes,
  ears and mouth, then double their daily  chore-hours.
o Periodically check your family computer's log-on history
  for any pornographic sites not visited by yourself.
o Do not allow your kids to become desensitized to
  violence. Beat them harder each day.
o Glue storybook pictures to your computer's monitor. Tell
  your child this is the Internet.
o Ask yourself why, if you can't exercise even a moderate
  degree of control over your children, you bothered to have
  kids in the first place.
o Provide your child with a detailed list of every website he
  or she is not to visit.
o Force your child to look at pornography for many hours
  straight until child begs, "No more!"
o Replace your children with responsible adults.
 
 
          -This was from the The Onion (I think)
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 23 Nov 1998 09:01:32 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: My Best Buddy
 
A man walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me two shots. One
for me and one for my best buddy."
 
Bartender says, "You want them *both* now or do you want me to wait
until your buddy arrives to pour his?"
 
The guy says, "Oh, I want them both now. I've got my best buddy in
my pocket here." and he pulls a little 3 inch man out of his
pocket.
 
The bartender asks "You mean to say, He can drink that much?"
 
"Oh, sure. He can drink it all, and then some." the man retorted.
 
So the bartender pours the 2 shots and sure enough, the little guy
drinks it all up.  "That's amazing" says the bartender. "What else
can he do, can he walk?"
 
The man flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and says, "Hey,
Rodney, Go fetch that quarter." The little guy runs down to the end
of the bar, picks up the quarter, and runs back down and gives it
to the man.
 
The bartender is in total shock. "That's amazing," he says, "what
else can he do? Does he talk?"
 
The man looks up at the bartender with a look of surprise in his
eye and squawks "Talk? Sure he talks. Hey Rodney, tell him about
that time we were in down in Africa, on safari hunting, and you
called that native Witch doctor a "Dickhead!"
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 23 Nov 1998 09:31:30 -0500
From:    Paul Benoit <Paul_Benoit@SPEEDLINE.COOKSON.COM>
Subject: Ready For Takeoff <adult>
 
Prior to take off, passengers on a major airline were surprised
to hear a woman's voice on the pilot's intercom. She said,
"Although I am a woman, I also am a fully qualified pilot and
will be your Captain on this flight. I've had extensive training
on all types of aircraft and can fly them as well, or better,
than any man. If you wish to see a demonstration of my flying
skills, once we have reached our scheduled flying altitude and
the seat-belt sign has been turned off, feel free to unbuckle
your seat-belt, stroll down the aisle and join me in the cuntpit."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 23 Nov 1998 12:45:23 -0500
From:    Jim Mica <jmica@ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: TromBOOM  <humor from the world of music>
 
Subject: 1812 overture -- please don't try this at home
 
August, 1998, Montevideo, Uruguay
 
Paolo Esperanza, bass-trombonist with the Simphonica Mayor de
Uruguay, in a misplaced moment of inspiration decided to make
his own contribution to the cannon shots fired as part of the
orchestra's performance of Tchaikovsky's 1812 Overture at an
outdoor children's concert. In complete seriousness he placed
a large, ignited firecracker, which was equivalent in strength
to a quarter stick of dynamite, into his aluminum straight mute
and then stuck the mute into the bell of his quite new Yamaha
in-line double-valve bass trombone.
 
Later, from his hospital bed he explained to a reporter through
bandages on his mouth, "I thought that the bell of my trombone
would shield me from the explosion and instead, would focus the
energy of the blast outward's and away from me, propelling the
mute high above the orchestra, like a rocket."
 
However, Paolo was not up on his propulsion physics nor qualified
to use high-powered artillery and in his haste to get the horn up
before the firecracker went off,  he failed to raise the bell of
the horn high enough so as to give the mute enough arc to clear
the orchestra.
 
What actually happened should serve as a lesson to us all during
those delirious moments of divine inspiration.  First, because he
failed to sufficiently elevate the bell of his horn, the blast
propelled the mute between rows of players in the woodwind and
viola sections of the orchestra, missing the players and straight
into the stomach of the conductor, driving him off the podium and
directly into the front row of the audience.
 
Fortunately, the audience were sitting in folding chairs and thus
they were protected from serious injury, for the chairs collapsed
under them passing the energy of the impact of the flying conductor
backwards into row of people sitting behind them, who in turn were
driven back into the people in the row behind and so on, like a row
of dominos. The sound of collapsing wooden chairs and grunts of
people falling on their behinds increased logarithmically, adding
to the overall sound of brass cannons and brass playing as
constitutes the closing measures of the Overture.
 
Meanwhile, all of this unplanned choreography not withstanding,
back on stage Paolo's Waterloo was still unfolding.  According to
Paolo, "Just as the I heard the sound of the blast, time seemed to
stand still. Everything moved in slow motion. Just before I felt
searing pain to my mouth, I could swear I heard a voice with a
Austrian accent say "Fur every akshon zer iz un eekvul un opposeet
reakshon!"
 
Well, this should come as no surprise, for Paolo had set himself up
for a textbook demonstration of this fundamental law of physics.
Having failed to plug the lead pipe of his trombone, he allowed the
energy of the blast to send a super-heated jet of gas backwards
through the mouth pipe of the trombone which exited the mouthpiece
burning his lips and face.
 
The pyrotechnic ballet wasn't over yet.  The force of the blast was
so great it split the bell of his shiny Yamaha right down the
middle, turning it inside out while at the same time propelling
Paolo backwards off the riser. And for the grand finale, as Paolo
fell backwards he lost his grip on the slide of the trombone
allowing the pressure of the hot gases coursing through the horn to
propel the trombone's slide like a double golden spear into the
head of the 3rd clarinetist, knocking him unconscious.
 
The moral of the story?  Beware the next time you hear someone in
the trombone section yell out, "Hey, everyone, watch this!"
			*****************
 
Poster's Note:  I think this one's apocryphal!  No trombonist worth
his spit valves would conjure up an auditory hallucination in which
Newton's First Law of Physics was attributed to Einstein!!!
 
          -{Forwarded to me.  Source unknown}
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 23 Nov 1998 18:17:13 GMT
From:    Catweasel <catweasel@CATWEASEL.ORG>
Subject: The answers revealled
         <Sorry, ladies, but men had to be told>
 
The 5 toughest questions that women ask men and the answers...
 
The questions are:
     1. What are you thinking about?
     2. Do you love me?
     3. Do I look fat?
     4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
     5. What would you do if I died?
 
What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is
guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers
incorrectly (i.e., tells the truth).  Therefore, as a public
service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible
responses.
 
Question # 1: What are you thinking about?
The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been
pensive, dear.  I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful,
thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am
to have met you." This response obviously bears no resemblance to
the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:
     A. Baseball.
     B. Football.
     C. How fat you are.
     D. How much prettier she is than you.
     E. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.
(Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al
Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was
thinking, I would be talking to you!")
 
Question # 2: Do you love me?
The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed
answer is in order, "Yes, dear." Inappropriate responses include:
     A. I suppose so.
     B. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
     C. That depends on what you mean by love.
     D. Does it matter?
     E. Who, me?
 
Question # 3: Do I look fat?
The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Among the
incorrect answers are:
     A. Compared to what?
     B. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
     C. A little extra weight looks good on you.
     D. I've seen fatter.
     E. Could you repeat the question?  I was just thinking about
        how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
 
Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me?
Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!"
Incorrect responses include:
     A. Yes, but you have a better personality
     B. Not prettier, but definitely thinner
     C. Not as pretty as you when you were her age
     D. Define pretty
     E. Could you repeat the question?  I was just thinking about
        how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
 
Question# 5: What would you do if I died?
A definite no-win question. (The real answer, or course, is "Buy a
Corvette.") No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least
an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:
      Woman: Would you get married again?
        Man: Definitely not!
          W: Why not, don't you like being married?
          M: Of course I do.
          W: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
          M: Okay, I'd get married again.
          W: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
          M: Yes, I would.
          W: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
          M: Where else would we sleep?
          W: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them
             with pictures of her?
          M: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
          W: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
          M: Of course not, Dear. She's left-handed.
 
 
http://www.catweasel.org
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 23 Nov 1998 14:52:31 -0600
From:    RANEBOUX <wett@GS.VERIO.NET>
Subject: The Magic Mirror
 
Legend has it that there is a bar in New York where, in the Ladies
Room, there is a very special mirror.  If one stands in front of
the mirror and tells the truth, one is granted a wish.  However, if
one tells a lie, *POOF* you are instantly swallowed up by the
mirror, never to be seen again.
 
A redhead of questionable looks walks into the Ladies Room and
stands before the mirror and says, "I think I'm the most beautiful
woman in the world." *POOF* The mirror swallows her.
 
Next, a rather large brunette stands before the mirror and says,
"I think I think I'm the sexiest woman alive! *POOF* The mirror
swallows her.
 
Then an absolutely gorgeous blond comes in and stands before the
mirror and says, "I think..." *POOF*
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 23 Nov 1998 17:29:37 -0700
From:    Sue Birkenseer <Sue@CIRCUSPREPRESS.COM>
Subject: Fw: Inspirational Messages
 
     Top 17 Inspirational Messages Not Heard At Work
 
(17) There is no "I" in "teamwork"... But there is in "management
     kiss-up.
 
(16) If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a
     better company someday.
 
(15) The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to
     budget cuts.
 
(14) Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the
     job WRONG 14 times gives you job security.
 
(13) If you think we're a bad company, you should see the
     competition.
 
(12) Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings...
     they did it by killing all those who oppose them.
 
(11) We put the "k" in "kwality".
 
(10) 2 days without a human rights violation.
 
 (9) Your job is STILL better than asking "You want fries with
     that?".
 
 (8) We build great products when we feel like it and don't have
     any reason to call in sick.
 
 (7) If at first you don't succeed, try management.
 
 (6) Teamwork means never having to take all the blame yourself.
 
 (5) The beatings will continue until morale improves.
 
 (4) Pride, Commitment, Teamwork. Words we use to get you to work
     for free.
 
 (3) If at first you don't succeed, delegate it.
 
 (2) Plagiarism saves time...
 
     And The #1 Inspirational Message Never Heard At Work:
 
 (1) Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet
     engines.
 
 
          (Forwarded from a friend, not sure of its origin)
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 23 Nov 1998 18:24:28 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: The Triangle (Pun)
 
Once upun a time on a fork in the river Rhine there was a love
triangle involving a handsome young shepherd, a beautiful princess
and a sheep.
 
Our hero was herd to say to his loved one, "I love you." When she
asked, "How much?" he replied, "All of you."
 
This was over-herd by the sheep (the obtuse side of the triangle)
who became so sick with jealousy that her wool turned green and the
boy cried, "Olive ewe!"
 
So, there are three hearts in this fable: The one that Cupid shot
his arrow through, the one on the sleeve of the sheep, and... one's
up on a tine on the Rhine.
 
          -By Norman Gilbert
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 24 Nov 1998 10:06:50 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMCLTD.COM>
Subject: Animal Jokes <clean>
 
What animal has more lives than a cat?
A frog. He croaks every night!
 
What does a cow say when she has a cold?
Mooocus.
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 23 Nov 1998 to 24 Nov 1998
************************************************
 
