HUMOR Digest - 22 Nov 1998 to 23 Nov 1998
There are 11 messages totalling 400 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Drinking <some adult humor>
  2. Helping The CEO
  3. Heaven's Long Drive Contest
  4. Thanksgiving (Adult, but not really)
  5. Motor Running (mature)
  6. Thanksgiving <clean>
  7. The Woodcarver and the Rabbit (Pun)
  8. Viagra; yes aNOTHER one(adULT)
  9. Male Bashing
 10. Santa Is A Woman (clean)
 11. For Your Mondays ... <clean>
 
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Date:    Sun, 22 Nov 1998 04:01:41 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Drinking <some adult humor>
 
* Clinton may not be as dumb as he looks or acts.  Now, he wants
  to increase the tax on alcohol.  He & co-President Hillary are
  already responsible for a lot of us doubling our consumption.
                           - - - - -
 
* The last time I tried to donate blood to the Red Cross, they
  rejected it.  Seems that when the bottle was only half-way full
  there was no more room for the blood because of the head on it.
                           - - - - -
 
* The next time some goody two-shoes starts lecturing you on the
  evils of alcohol, point out to them that water has killed far
  more people than drink ever will.  If they demand proof, tell
  them to read the story of Noah in the Bible.
                           - - - - -
 
*   At a tennis club bar in Hilton Head Island, South Carolina, a
  guest became both loud and abusive.  Two of the waiters had to
  physically throw the drunk out the door.
    He re-entered moments later.  One of the regulars commented:
  "Perhaps they put too much backspin on him."
                           - - - - -
 
*   After several hours of drinking a guy at the bar sez to the
  female patron near him, "Look sweetheart, I don't like to waste
  time or words, but do you sleep around ?"
    The woman, who had also been drinking quite heavily replied,
  "Normally no.  But you talked me into it."
                           - - - - -
 
*   I have to have my cholesterol tested every 3 months. It came
  to my attention that I was paying $10 more for the test than the
  posted rate, and asked the tech why.
    She said, "Well Mr Moore, we have to let your blood settle and
  then we siphon the alcohol off the top before we can analyze it."
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Indexed UGA Humor Digests 1997-1998:
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 22 Nov 1998 08:39:34 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Helping The CEO
 
A young executive was leaving the office at 6pm when he found the
CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in hand.
"Listen," said the CEO, "this is important, and my secretary has
left. Can you make this thing work?"
 
Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on,
inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
 
"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared
inside the machine. "I just need one copy."
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 22 Nov 1998 05:41:25 PST
From:    "Mr. Hardwick" <hardwickj@ESSEX.USMC.MIL>
Subject: Heaven's Long Drive Contest
 
One day, Jesus and Moses are out on the golf course and decide to
have a contest over who can make the most outstanding shot. So,
Moses goes first. He settles up for the shot and hammers it
straight for the green. Unfortunately, the ball falls into a water
hazard. Undaunted, Moses raises his arms to the sky, and the water
parts where the ball dropped in. The ball rolls out of the water
and onto dry land, only a foot away from the hole.
 
Jesus looks at Moses and says, "Hey, Moses, that was a pretty good
shot. Now let me see what I can do." So Jesus settles up for his
shot and sends the ball screaming toward the green. Unfortunately,
Jesus has the same luck as Moses did. The ball heads straight for
the water hazard. Jesus holds out one hand and, instead of dropping
into the water, the ball bounces on top of it and rolls onto dry
land only three inches from the hole. Moses says, "Wow, that was
an incredible shot!"
 
No sooner has Moses said this, than the skies grow dark. The wind
starts to pick up, lightning and thunder crackle through the sky.
Suddenly, a ball falls from the heavens into the same water hazard
where Jesus and Moses hit theirs. A fish swims up and swallows the
ball. An eagle swoops down, grabs the fish in his talons, and heads
for the now darkened sky. Lightning strikes the eagle, and he drops
the fish onto the green. The fish opens his mouth, the ball rolls
out, and drops into the hole.
 
Moses turns to Jesus and says, "Man! I hate it when your dad
plays!"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 22 Nov 1998 08:56:21 -0500
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@LATTE.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Thanksgiving (Adult, but not really)
 
      THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY AT THANKSGIVING, BUT AREN'T...
 
"Whew, that's one terrific spread!"
"I'm in the mood for a little dark meat."
"Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist."
"Talk about a huge breast!"
"It's Cool Whip time!"
"If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!"
"Are you ready for seconds yet?"
"Are you going to come again next time?"
"It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?"
"Just wait your turn, you'll get some!"
"Don't play with your meat."
"Just spread the legs open & stuff it in."
"Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?"
"I didn't expect everyone to come at once!"
"You still have a little bit on your chin."
"Use a nice smooth stroke when you whip it."
"How long will it take after you stick it in?"
"You'll know it's ready when it pops up."
"Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!"
"How many are coming?"
"That's the biggest one I've ever seen!"
"Just lay back & take it easy... I'll do the rest."
"How long do I beat it before it's ready?"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 22 Nov 1998 13:04:12 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Motor Running (mature)
 
It was the stir of the town when an 80 year old man married a 20
year old girl. After a year she went into the hospital to give
birth. The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow saying "This
is amazing. How do you do it at your age?"
 
He answered "You've got to keep that old motor running." The
following year she gave birth again. The same nurse said, "You
really are amazing. How do you do it?"
 
He again said,"You've got to keep the old motor running." The same
thing happened the next year. The nurse said "You must be quite a
man."  He responded "You've got to keep that old motor running."

The nurse then said, "Well, you had better change the oil in that
old motor, this one's black."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 22 Nov 1998 12:55:06 -0800
From:    Randall Woodman <rwoodman@HOME.COM>
Subject: Thanksgiving <clean>
 
     THINGS TO DO TO LIVEN UP THANKSGIVING DINNER
     --------------------------------------------

1. Load your plate up high, then take it to the kitchen, toss it 
   all in the blender, and take your "shake" back to the table.
   Announce that It's the new Thanksgiving Weight Loss Shake
 
2. When everyone goes around to say what they are Thankful for,
   say, "I'm thankful I didn't get caught." and refuse to say
   anything more
 
3. Bring along old recorded football games, pop them in the VCR
   when Dad's not looking. Make sure it is set to the last two
   minutes of the game When he comes into the room, turn off the
   VCR and turn on the regular TV
 
4. Bring a date that only talks about the tragic and abusive
   conditions known to exist at turkey farms.
 
5. During Mid-meal turn to mom and say, "See mom, I told you they
   wouldn't notice that the Turkey was past expiration date. You
   were worried for nothing".
 
          -From: Griff Evans
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 22 Nov 1998 12:17:43 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: The Woodcarver and the Rabbit (Pun)
 
This the story of a woodcarver who lived in a house in a forest
with a rabbit and a housemaid. Among the duties of the housemaid
was to dress the rabbit each morning as he was unable to dress
himself.
 
One day, after they had had their breakfast and the rabbit was
dressed, the rabbit and the woodcarver went out into the forest to
find wood that would be suitable for carving. They soon found what
they agreed was a wonderful piece of wood just perfect for a wood
sculpture.
 
Unfortunately, they couldn't agree on what to carve. The woodcarver
wanted to carve a mother sheep feeding her lambs. The rabbit wanted
to see the piece become a wooden Dutch shoe.
 
Finally, they agreed to let the housemaid decide, so they went back
to the cottage and explained their problem. The housemaid decided
to flip a coin: Heads would mean that the woodcarver would carve
the sheep, tails would mean that the shoe would win.
 
You can imagine the suspense when she flicked up the coin, caught
it and peeked... Wood ewe or wooden shoe?  Only the haredresser
knew for sure.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 22 Nov 1998 14:41:38 -0600
From:    RANEBOUX <wett@GS.VERIO.NET>
Subject: Viagra; yes aNOTHER one(adULT)
 
Q: What do the vacuum "dirt devil" and viagra have in common?
 
A: They both put the power of an upright in the palm of your hand.
 
 
http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/Delta/9989/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 22 Nov 1998 18:53:13 EST
From:    Sue Sevin <SueS7@AOL.COM>
Subject: Male Bashing
 
Men are like... Placemats.
They only show up when there's food on the table.
 
Men are like... Mascara.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
 
Men are like... Bike helmets.
Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.
 
Men are like... Government bonds.
They take so long to mature.
 
Men are like... Copiers.
You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.
 
Men are like... Lava lamps.
Fun to look at, but not all that bright.
 
Men are like... Bank accounts.
Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.
 
Men are like... High heels.
They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.
 
Men are like... Curling irons.
They're always hot, and they're always in your hair.
 
Men are like... Mini skirts.
If you're not careful, they'll creep up your legs.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 22 Nov 1998 16:50:34 -0700
From:    Sue Birkenseer <Sue@CIRCUSPREPRESS.COM>
Subject: Santa Is A Woman (clean)
 
BECAUSE A MAN COULDN'T MEET THE DEMANDS OF THE JOB...
 
I think Santa Claus is a woman....
 
I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she.
Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy,
nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy
could possibly pull it all off!
 
For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about
selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. It's as if they are all frozen
in some kind of Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th,
when they - with amazing calm - call other errant men and plan for
a last-minute shopping spree.
 
Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco
products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves.
(You might think this would send them into a fit of panic and
guilt, but my husband tells me it's an enormous relief because it
lessens the 11th hour decision-making burden.) On this count alone,
I'm convinced Santa is a woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone
in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating
musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.
 
Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of
all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead,
gutted and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid
wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended.
Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist.
 
Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have
transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up
there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for
directions. Add to this the fact that there would be unavoidable
delays in the chimney, where the Bob Vila-like Santa would stop to
inspect and repoint bricks in the flue. He would also need to check
for carbon monoxide fumes in every gas fireplace, and get under
every Christmas tree that is crooked to straighten it to a
perfectly upright 90-degree angle.
 
     Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:
 
- Men can't pack a bag.
- Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
- Men would feel their masculinity is threatened...
  having to be seen with all those elves.
- Men don't answer their mail.
- Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even
  in jest as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly."
- Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing
  them.
- Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their
  ability to pick up women.
- Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a
  commitment.
 
     I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters
     are men...
 
- Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous.
  Definite guy.
- Cupid flies around carrying weapons.
- Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers.
 
Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening
test. But not St. Nick.  Not a chance.  As long as we have each
other, good will, peace on earth, faith and Nat King Cole's version
of "The Christmas Song," it probably makes little difference what
gender Santa is.
 
I just wish she'd quit dressing like a guy!!!
 
 
     -(forwarded from a friend, original source unknown)
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 23 Nov 1998 09:32:00 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMCLTD.COM>
Subject: For Your Mondays ... <clean>
 
"Never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it might
 appear to others that what you were or might have been was not
 otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to
 be otherwise."
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 22 Nov 1998 to 23 Nov 1998
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