HUMOR Digest - 21 Nov 1998 to 22 Nov 1998
There are 8 messages totalling 538 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Gismos and Dodads
  2. Caesar Salad ... legal again!!
  3. Hollywood Squares
  4. Mother's Intuition!!!!
  5. Gore 4 PreZ(adult)
  6. Dog Enthusiast's "DON'T" List
  7. PUNY Riddles
  8. Jews eating <poss off to Chinese>
 
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Date:    Sat, 21 Nov 1998 03:52:00 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Gismos and Dodads
 
* Mrs JimJr loves her self-cleaning oven.  Personally, the way
  she cooks, I wish it would flush too.
                           - - - - -
 
* Mrs JimJr wants to know if they can invent a self-cleaning
  oven, how come they can't come-out with a self-cleaning house.
                           - - - - -
 
* I can see her point concerning a self-cleaning house but I
  think women really need self-cleaning purses a LOT more.
                           - - - - -
 
* Pollution was so bad in Baltimore City this year that the
  skywriters were only allowed to use "Wite-Out".
                           - - - - -
 
* The hot water bottle is both over-rated and misnamed.  I mean
  ya gotta put hot water in the damn thing for it to work at all.
                           - - - - -
 
* I understand AOL is coming out with a keyboard with keys that
  push back to make the lonely chat room users feel wanted.
                           - - - - -
 
* One abused back-woods wife was arrested for stabbing her husband
  172 times. She didn't know how to turn off her new electric
  knife.
                           - - - - -
 
* Mrs JimJr still irons clothes.  She saw a new steam iron that was
  supposed to do half the work -- she bought two of them.
                           - - - - -
 
* I still have my K&E slide rule.  When I showed it to my Grandson,
  JimJr JrJr, he was amazed that it worked without batteries.
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Indexed UGA Humor Digests 1997-1998:
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 21 Nov 1998 08:00:13 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Caesar Salad ... legal again!!
 
     California decriminalizes Caesar salad and
     Libertarian Party cheers "victory"
 
WASHINGTON, DC -- California decriminalized the sale of Caesar
salad this week -- and it's not a moment too soon, the Libertarian
Party said today. "When you outlaw Caesar salad, only outlaws will
eat Caesar salad," noted the party's Director of Communications,
Bill Winter.  "That's why, on the issue of Caesar salad, we
Libertarians have always been pro-legalization."
 
Selling Caesar salad became a crime last year when California
legislators passed a new health law banning the sale of food that
used raw eggs as an ingredient. Unexpectedly, the law included
Caesar salad, which uses uncooked eggs in its unique dressing.
 
Restaurant owners and fans of the popular salad were outraged.
The outcry convinced state legislators to file a new bill to cancel
the criminal status of Caesar salad -- and, presumably, end what
might have become a flourishing black market in contraband romaine
lettuce, raw eggs, and Parmesan cheese.
 
The bill, signed into law by Governor Pete Wilson on Monday, has
Libertarians cheering -- but a little surprised. "We have to
compliment California legislators for their rare display of good
sense," acknowledged Winter.  "Although we're a bit surprised that
they were courageous enough to toss the Caesar salad law entirely."
 
Libertarians had expected politicians to take a more timid, gradual
approach, said Winter, perhaps...
 
* Implementing a five-day waiting period for Caesar salad, so the
  government could do a medical background check for raw-egg
  allergies.
 
* Legalizing only "medical Caesar salad" -- whereby people with a
  vitamin deficiency could get a doctor's permission to buy a small
  amount of Caesar salad for their own personal use.
 
* Launching an anti-Caesar salad TV advertising blitz, perhaps with
  a commercial showing a frying pan, and then showing a frying pan
  with a raw egg in it. The voice-over could be: "This is your
  brain. This is your brain on Caesar salad."
 
* Allowing only adults, 21 and over, the right to buy Caesar salad,
  on the grounds that it may be an adolescent's gateway-salad to
  stronger stuff, like macaroni salad or three-bean salad.
 
* But Libertarians say they are delighted with the bold, unexpected
  victory over the "Just Say No to Caesar Salad" lobby -- and argue
  that it's a win for libertarianism and the American way of life.
 
* "We support the Constitutional right of every American to keep
  and bear a Caesar salad -- or, rather, to eat and buy a Caesar
  salad," said Winter. "All joking aside, it's a setback for those
  political eggheads who think they have the right to micro manage
  every aspect of our lives -- down to the type of salad we buy in
  a restaurant.  Hopefully, politicians will learn to just lettuce
  alone."
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 21 Nov 1998 09:16:37 EST
From:    Sue Sevin <SueS7@AOL.COM>
Subject: Hollywood Squares
 
PETER MARSHALL'S LIST OF FAVORITE ANSWERS FROM "HOLLYWOOD SQUARES"
 
 1. According to Movie Life magazine, Ann-Margaret would like to
    start having babies soon, but her husband wants her to wait a
    while.  Why?
 
          PAUL LYNDE:  He's out of town.

 2. Dennis Weaver, Debbie Reynolds, and Shelley Winters star in the
    movie "What's The Matter With Helen?"  Who plays Helen?
 
          CHARLEY WEAVER: Dennis Weaver-that's why they asked the
                          question.
 
 3. What are "dual-purpose cattle" good for that other cattle
    aren't?
 
          PAUL LYNDE:  They give milk... and cookies, but I don't
                       recommend the cookies.
 
 4. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or
    your elephant?
 
          PAUL LYNDE:  Who told you about my elephant?
 
 5. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
 
          CHARLEY WEAVER:  I'll lend him the car. The rest is up
                           to him.
 
 6. Robert Young recently stated, "I never, never give..."
    something to his fans who ask for it.  What?
 
          PAUL LYNDE:  A hysterectomy.
 
 7. James Stewart did it over twenty years ago when he was
    forty-one years old.  Now he says it was "one of the best
    things I ever did.  What was it?
 
          MARTY ALLEN:  Rhonda Fleming.
 
 8. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in
    them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions.
    What are they?
 
          CHARLEY WEAVER:  His feet.

 
 9. Before a cow will give you any milk, she has to have something
    very important.  What?
 
          PAUL LYNDE:  An engagement ring.
 
10. According to Robert Mitchum, one thing has ruined more actors
    than drinking.  What?
 
          CHARLEY WEAVER:  Not drinking.
 
11. When the Lone Ranger finished with a case, he left something
    behind. What?
 
          PAUL LYNDE:  A masked baby.
 
12. True or false:  Some African Watusi tribesmen greet guests by
    running toward them at full speed, then high-jumping over them.
 
          CHARLEY WEAVER: This is sometimes terribly embarrassing
                          to tall guests.
 
13. You're on your first visit to Japan, and you head right for the
    Kabuki. Why?
 
          PAUL LYNDE:  It was a long plane ride.
 
14. If you're going to make a parachute jump, you should be at
    least how high?
 
          CHARLEY WEAVER:  Three days of steady drinking should
                           do it.
 
15. Do female frogs croak?
 
          PAUL LYNDE:  If you hold their little heads under water.
 
16. You've been having trouble going to sleep.  Are you probably a
    man or a woman?
 
          DON KNOTTS:  That's what's been keeping me awake.
 
17. Is there any such thing as an F cup in bra sizes?
 
          PAUL LYNDE:  Yes, it sleeps four.
 
18. True or false:  Many people sleep better in their street
    clothes than they do in their pajamas.
 
          PAUL LYNDE:  Yes.  We call them winos.
 
19. According to the World Book, is it okay to freeze your
    persimmons?
 
          PAUL LYNDE:  No.  You should dress warmly.
 
20. According to psychologists, when a child begins to get curious
    about sex, what is the one question he will most ask his mommy
    and daddy?
 
          PAUL LYNDE:  Where can I get some?
 
 ------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 21 Nov 1998 09:25:23 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Mother's Intuition!!!!
 
Steve invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his
mother couldn't help noticing how attractive and shapely the
live-in housekeeper was. Over the course of the evening, she
started to wonder if there was more between Steve and the
housekeeper than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Steve
volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking,but, I assure you,
my relationship with my housekeeper is purely professional."
 
About a week later, the housekeeper came to Steve and said, "Ever
since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the
beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do
you?"
 
Steve said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to
be sure." So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying
you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you
'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has
been missing ever since you were here for dinner."
 
Several days later, Steve received a letter from his mother which
said: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with your
housekeeper and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with your
housekeeper. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her
own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.
 
Love, Mother."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 21 Nov 1998 09:44:23 -0600
From:    RANEBOUX <wett@GS.VERIO.NET>
Subject: Gore 4 PreZ(adult)
 
Q: Did you hear Al Gore is running for president?
 
A: His slogan?  "Only Tipper gets in MY zipper"
 
 
  http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/Delta/9989/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 21 Nov 1998 12:11:46 EST
From:    Adina Sobo <AdinaS@AOL.COM>
Subject: Dog Enthusiast's "DON'T" List
 
     (This has been making the rounds of dog-related mailing lists;
      sorry, but I have been unable to find a source)
 
Dear Fellow Dog Enthusiast,
 
Does it seem like every time you try and post a question or comment
to a dog list, you get yourself into trouble?  If so, then this
list is for you.  If you religiously follow all of the rules on
this Official DON'T list, you'll never get in trouble again.
 
          ~~ The Official Dog Enthusiast's DON'T List ~~
 
DON'T let your dog sleep in your bed.  It will cause aggression
problems down the road.
 
DON'T make your dog sleep in a crate.  Crate is just another word
for small cage.
 
DON'T let your dog sleep outside at night.  If God had wanted dogs
to sleep outside, he would have covered their body with hair to
keep them warm.
 
DON'T let your dog sleep.  You should be playing with him all the
time.
 
DON'T keep more than two dogs.  Each individual dog requires
considerable time and energy, and it is impossible for a
responsible dog owner to spend quality time with more than two
dogs.
 
DON'T keep less than five dogs.  Dogs are pack animals, and five
dogs is the minimum number for proper socialization.
 
DON'T feed your dog kibble.  Kibble is the invention of evil
capitalists who want your money, and kibble has no nutritional
value whatsoever.  You might as well feed your dog sawdust.
 
DON'T cook your dog's meat or chicken.  Cooking destroys all the
nutrients.
 
DON'T feed your dog raw meat or raw chicken.  Raw food contains
salmonella, e-coli, and other harmful bacteria.
 
DON'T let your dog drink out of a plastic bowl.  It will turn his
nose pink.
 
DON'T post messages to a dog list.  You will surely get bopped on
the head for thinking that someone else cares about your silly
little opinions.
 
DON'T poke your eye with a sharp stick.  It has nothing to do with
dogs, but it's a good rule nonetheless.
 
DON'T microchip your dog.  A nearby cell phone can cause a
microchipped dog to explode, or so says the lady running the tattoo
booth.
 
DON'T tattoo your dog on the ear.  A dog thief will cut off the
tattooed ear.
 
DON'T tattoo your dog on the thigh.  He'll be a tripod before you
can say Ginsu.
 
DON'T keep a collar on your dog when unattended.  He could get
caught on something and choke.
 
DON'T leave your dog unattended without a collar.  He could run
away without any identification.
 
DON'T transport your dog in a plastic crate.  Plastic crates don't
allow sufficient air flow.
 
DON'T transport your dog in a wire crate.  In a car accident, a
wire crate transforms into a doggie skewer.  On days you plan to
have a car accident, it's acceptable to use a plastic crate.
 
DON'T let your dog drive.  It's against the law in many states.
 
DON'T enter your dog in conformation.  It's b-o-r-i-n-g for the
dog.
 
DON'T enter your dog in obedience.  It's B-o-r-i-n-g with a capital
"B".
 
DON'T enter your dog in agility.  The jumps will injure his joints.
 
DON'T send your dog out with a handler.  Only a psychopath would
send their beloved pet with a complete stranger.
 
DON'T handle your dog yourself.  You've got a great dog, and he
deserves a much better handler than you will ever be.
 
DON'T get a purebred dog.  Too much inbreeding has produced dogs
with temperament and health problems.
 
DON'T get a mutt.  You don't know anything about their pedigree.
In fact, if you're thinking about getting a dog, get a cat instead.
 
DON'T don't.  That's right, you heard me, just don't!
 
DON'T leave your dog's dewclaws intact.  He will rip one off
jumping a log or something, which is quite painful.
 
DON'T remove your dog's dewclaws.  Dewclaws are acupuncture points
that are needed for proper functioning of the kidneys.
 
     AND, the #1 DON'T ....

DON'T trim your dog's whiskers.  Dogs use their whiskers to
determine the size of their head, which is important when they are
out shopping for a new hat.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 21 Nov 1998 10:09:20 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: PUNY Riddles
 
57. What snake could serve female Siamese twins as an
    undergarment?
 
58. What do you call a Salvation Army volunteer who approaches
    patrons between acts of a play.
 
59. What is wrong with a attractive aging transgressing feline that
    suddenly loses the ability to use her voice drinking quinine
    water?
 
60. We already know that fish worshipers are Ichtheologists. Where
    do Alaskan Ichtheologians do their schooling?
 
61.  What mathematical term would help cover a mermaid?
 
62. What do you call your girl-friend if she becomes a deer
    whenever there is a full moon?
 
 
               - - - - - - - - - - - -
                    Answers
 
 
57.  A co-bra (By Alan Combs)
 
58.  An intermissionary (By Stan Kegel)
 
59.  A-cute cat-a-tonic purr-senility sin-drome. (By Stan Kegel)
 
60.  In the salmonary (By Gary Hallock)
 
61.  An algae-bra (By Van s Camp)
 
62.  A Weirdo (were-doe) (By Stan Kegel)
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 21 Nov 1998 20:43:47 -0800
From:    Steven & Susan <sgarrett@NWRAIN.COM>
Subject: Jews eating <poss off to Chinese>
 
Sid and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant.
 
"Sid," asked Al, "Are there any Jews in China?"
 
"I don't know," Sid replied. "Why don't we ask the waiter?"
 
When the waiter came by, Al asked him, "Are there any Chinese
Jews?"
 
"I don't know sir, let me ask," the waiter replied, and he went
into the kitchen.  He returned in a few minutes and said, "No, sir.
No Chinese Jews."
 
"Are you sure?" Al asked.
 
"I will check again, sir." the waiter replied and went back to the
kitchen.
 
While he was still gone, Sid said, "I cannot believe there are no
Jews in China. Our people are scattered everywhere."
 
When the waiter returned he said, "Sir, no Chinese Jews."
 
"Are you really sure?" Al asked again.  "I cannot believe there are
no Chinese Jews."
 
"Sir, I ask everyone," the waiter replied exasperated. "We have
Orange Jews, Prune Jews, Tomato Jews and Grape Jews, but no Chinese
Jews!"
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 21 Nov 1998 to 22 Nov 1998
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