HUMOR Digest - 20 Nov 1998 to 21 Nov 1998
There are 14 messages totalling 731 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Life at MD State Highway
  2. You Know You're Out Of University When...
  3. Education <adult-ish>
  4. You Just Might Be a Gun Nut... Part V
  5. Poor Thing!
  6. Occupational Descriptions
  7. The Baby Boomer Admission Test (Pt.2)
  8. Top5 - 11/19/98 - Articles in "Girl Scout Cosmo"  (Part I)
  9. Zachary DiseaSE(adult)
 10. If you love something, set it free...
 11. Enlightenment the Catweasel way
 12. You Know You're Having a Bad Day When...
 13. Drunk in the Restroom <adult language>
 14. Dental Hygeine (Pun)
 
-------------------------------------------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 20 Nov 1998 04:11:38 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Life at MD State Highway
 
*   Personally, I think even pride in your work can be overdone. I
  commented to a custodian how well polished the floors in our new
  entrance-way were.
    He beamed with pride and said, "Yes. Now most of the ladies in
  heels slip and some even fall."
                            - - - - -
 
*   A Chinese carry-out opened near State Highway's Headquarters.
  I was waiting in line with a black girl from our EEO Office
  (Equal Employment Opportunity Office). She commented on what
  good workers the Chinese were. I told her that may be true but
  the workers she was watching were Korean.
    She waved her hand and said, "No matter.  I can't tell any of
  these Asians apart anyway."
                            - - - - -
 
*   When the State finally got around to providing in-house e-mail,
  the rumor circulating was that it was being monitored.  A friend
  of mine sent me a letter criticizing the Administrator.  I wrote
  back telling him to be careful, as all e-mail was being
  monitored.
    Within an hour, I received a note from the MIS Section telling
  me that they had neither the staff nor the inclination to monitor
  all of the e-mail.
                            - - - - -
 
*   I was going up the stairs and stopped at the first landing to
  watch a large group of people emerging from a meeting.  I saw one
  of my favorite Nazi-fems with whom I always exchanged barbs. All
  I had a chance to say was, "Hey Martha."  Instantly, Martha
  looked up and yelled, "Jimmy !  Please stop stalking me. You've
  simply got to get over me and get on with your life."
    I slinked up the rest of the stairs feeling that at least 172
  pairs of eyes were watching me disappear into my office.
                            - - - - -
 
*   I got a rather nasty note from the Personnel Office regarding
  yet another inane form I'd failed to fill out.  The writer had
  labeled the subject of the memo "Second Notice".
    I called her and admitted that while I had neglected to submit
  the form, this was the first memo I'd received on the subject.
    She said, "Oh, don't worry Mr Moore, we don't really even
  bother sending out 'first notices' because we've found 'second
  notices' to be far more effective."
 
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 20 Nov 1998 07:04:37 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: You Know You're Out Of University When...
 
 Your salary is less than your tuition. For some of us.....
 
 Your potted plants stay alive.
 
 Shacking in a twin-sized bed seems absurd.
 
 You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
 
 You have to pay your own credit card bill.
 
 You haven't seen a soap opera in over a year.
 
 8:00 a.m. is not early.
 
 You have to file for your own taxes.
 
 You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.
 
 You're not carded anymore.
 
 You carry an umbrella.
 
 Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook-up and break-up.
 
 You start watching the weather channel.
 
 Jeans and baseball caps aren't staples in your wardrobe.
 
 You can no longer take shots and smoking gives you a sinus attack.
 
 You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
 
 You stop confusing 401K plan with 10K run.
 
 You go to parties that the police don't raid.
 
 Adults feel comfortable telling jokes about sex in front of you.
 
 You don't know what time Wendy's closes anymore.
 
 Your car insurance goes down.
 
 You refer to college students as kids.
 
 You drink wine, scotch and martinis instead of beer, bourbon
 and rum.
 
 Your parents start making casual remarks about grandchildren.
 
 You feed your dog Science Diet instead of Taco Bell.
 
 You're waking up at 6:00 am instead of going to bed
 
 College sweatshirts are 'casual' instead of dress up.
 
 Sleeping on the couch is a no-no.
 
 THEN: discussing with your friends: GPA's, spring break plans and
       tonsil hockey;
 NOW: mutual funds, interest rates and wedding plans.
 
 Naps are no longer available between noon and 6:00 p.m.
 
 Dinner and a movie - The whole date instead of the beginning of
 one.
 
 You get your news from sources other than USA Today, ESPN
 Sportscenter and MTV News.
 
 You find yourself reminiscing fondly of 2-hour Calculus exams.
 
 METABOLISM SLOWDOWN.
 
 Wine appreciation expands beyond Boone's and Mad Dog.
 
 You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.
 
 Grocery lists actually contain relatively healthy food.
 
 When drinking, you say at least once per night, 'I just can't put
 it down the same as I used to'.
 
 Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real
 work, not video games.
 
 You're actually willing to pay a bit more to drink in a bar that's
 not full of '21-year-old kids.'
 
 Golf is beginning to seem a lot less silly.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 20 Nov 1998 14:32:29 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Education <adult-ish>
 
Giuseppe walks into work, and he says, "Ey, Tony! You know who's-a
George Washington?"
 
Tony says, "No, Giuseppe, who's-a George Washington?"
 
He says, "Hah! George-a Washington's the first-a President of-a
United States. I'm-a go to night school, learn all about-a United
States, and become-a U.S.-a citizen."
 
A couple of days later, Giuseppe walks into work and says. "Ey,
Tony, you know who's-a Abraham Lincoln?"
 
Tony says, "No, Giuseppe, who's-a Abraham Lincoln?"
 
He says, "Hah! Abaham-a Lincoln is-a sixteenth President of-a the
United States. I'm-a go to night school, learn all about-a United
States, and become-a U.S.-a citizen."
 
A guy in the back of the shop yells, "Yo, Giuseppe... you know who
Filippo Giust is?"
 
He says, "No. Who's-a Filippo Giusti is?"
 
The guy yells, "That's the guy who's bangin' your wife while you're
in night school."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 20 Nov 1998 07:54:55 -0500
From:    Paul Benoit <Paul_Benoit@SPEEDLINE.COOKSON.COM>
Subject: You Just Might Be a Gun Nut... Part V
 
...if your key-ring fob is a converted .50BMG cartridge.
...if your driver's license says "must wear night-vision goggles."
...if you watch La Femme Nikita just to see the HK MP5s.
...if "Miller Time" means plinking at beer cans.
...if the highlight of your week is discovering that 6 .40 S&W
     hollowpoints fit perfectly in a plastic 35mm film canister
     (5 up/1 down in the middle).
...if you put a Hogue Grip on your car's parking brake.
...if you retrofit a laser sight to your TV remote control.
...if it takes you several minutes leafing through "Small Arms
     of the World" to find a gun you have never fired.
...if you have a callus on your shoulder.
...if you've ever sent a scope (that was never dropped)
     back to Leupold for repair.
...if factories ask *you* how well their guns hold up.
...if Hornady's largest midwestern distributor informs you
     that you've bought over half of all the Vector ammo
     they've ever had in stock.
...if you even had the thought, "I wonder what scale little kids
     Animal Crackers are, compared to Regulation silhouettes?"
...if your standard Sunday afternoon question to guys selling
     surplus ammo at gun shows is "How much for all of it, so
     you don't have to lug it home?"
...if RCBS asked *you* for load data for the .357 Sig
        (before it was published).
...if you shoot enough Berdan-primed ammo that you are on
     a first-name basis with your local scrap metal dealer.
...if, upon seeing your 1978 wildcatting project (a .375 on a .50
     Sharps 3 1/4" case, 3340 FPS with a 300 Sierra boat tail),
     Elmer Keith says "You're nuts!"
...if Keith Francis (at JGS, the chambering reamer company),
     answers your phone calls "What have you dreamed up
     *this* time?"
...if you own a firearm listed in the Guinness Book
     of World Records.
...if you go to a marriage counselor, he asks you which you like
     better, shooting or sex, and you think it's the stupidest
     question you've ever heard.
...if you're in the army reserves, and they can't figure out why
     every time they send you out to shoot the M60 with 100 rounds,
     you return with a shot-out barrel (it never dawns on them
     you're bringing your own ammo...).
...if you keep a copy of one of Elmer Keith's books
     on your coffee table.
...if you spend more on ammo each month than on food.
...if you list your local FFL dealer as a dependent on your tax
     return.
...if a topless joint with free admission is half a mile away,
     and instead you drive 40 miles to the shooting range
     on a Saturday night.
...if you alternate Silvertips and Hydra-Shocks in your magazines
     because they look prettier that way.
...if you guess range and windage whenever you look at road signs.
...if you have more .50 caliber ammo cans than the local
     U. S. Army Reserves armory.
...if your gun collection is worth more than your automobile.
...if you have to run out to the range this weekend to shoot up
     some ammo because you need some brass to reload.
...if seeing Bill Clinton's picture automatically sends you
     into Condition Orange.
...if you're still reading this inane list.
 
      -- thanx to Paul S. for that entire list! --
 
(and one final addition from JD)
...if you live in that serious part of the country
     where deer season is a recognized holiday.
 
          --------------------------------
 
A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rifle.
 
"It's for my husband," she tells the clerk.
 
"Did he tell you what gauge to get?" asked the clerk.
 
"Are you kidding?" she says. "He doesn't even know that I'm going
 to shoot him!"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 20 Nov 1998 07:33:22 -0500
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@LATTE.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Poor Thing!
 
An application for a wedding license in this morning's paper
lists Patricia English and Richard Spelling.  Poor girl will
be Patricia English Spelling!
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 20 Nov 1998 09:02:27 EST
From:    Sue Sevin <SueS7@AOL.COM>
Subject: Occupational Descriptions
 
An accountant is someone who knows the cost of everything and the
value of nothing.
 
An auditor is someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all
the wounded.
 
A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is
shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
          -(Mark Twain)
 
An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he
predicted yesterday didn't happen today.
 
A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the
personality to be an accountant.
 
An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because
that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the
plane.         -(Laurence J. Peter)
 
A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn't know you
had in a way you don't understand.
 
A mathematician is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black
cat which isn't there.        -(Charles R. Darwin)
 
A topologist is a man who doesn't know the difference between a
coffee cup and a doughnut.
 
A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it
a "brief."          -(Franz Kafka)
 
A psychologist is a man who watches everyone else when a beautiful
girl enters the room.
 
A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
 
A schoolteacher is a disillusioned woman who used to think she
liked children.
 
A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and
tells you the time.
 
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way
that you will look forward to the trip.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 20 Nov 1998 10:02:05 -0500
From:    Jim Mica <jmica@ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: The Baby Boomer Admission Test (Pt.2)
 
      According to the US Census Bureau, 10,065 Americans turn
      50 each day.  Take the following test to determine if YOU
      qualify as a Post War Baby Boomer.
      __________________________________________________________

QUESTION #15:
This is from a kinder and gentler protest song, but the question is
just as profound: Where have all the flowers gone? Perhaps you
could use a little help here: "Where have all the flowers gone,
long time passing? Where have all the flowers gone, long time ago?
Where have all the flowers gone? ____  ______  _____  _______ _____
______  ____."
 
QUESTION #16:
Meanwhile, back home in Metropolis, Superman fights a never-ending
battle for truth, justice, and ______ _______________ __________.
 
QUESTION #17:
He came out of the University of Alabama, and became one of the
best quarterbacks in the history of the NFL, and later went on to
appear in a television commercial wearing women's stockings. He is
Broadway _______ _____________.
 
QUESTION #18:
"I'm Popeye the sailor man; I'm Popeye the sailor man. I'm strong
to the finish, ______  __  _____ ___ _______ . I'm Popeye the
sailor man."
 
QUESTION #19:
Your children probably recall that Peter Pan was recently played by
Robin Williams, but we will always remember when Peter was played
by ___________  _____________.
 
QUESTION #20:
In the movie, The Graduate, young Benjamin, played by Dustin
Hoffman, was counseled about his future, and told to consider one
thing: _______________.
 
QUESTION #21:
In another movie from the late sixties, Paul Newman played Luke,
a ne'er do well who was sent to a prison camp for cutting off the
heads of parking meters with a pipe cutter. When he was captured
after an unsuccessful attempt to escape, the camp commander (played
by Strother Martin) used this experience as a lesson for the other
prisoners, and explained, "What we have here, ____ ___ ___________
_____ _________________."
 
QUESTION #22:
In 1962, a dejected politician chastised the press after losing a
race for governor while announcing his retirement from politics.
"Just think, you won't have ________  ____________ to kick around
any more."
 
QUESTION #23:
"Every morning, at the mine, you could see him arrive; He stood six
foot, six, weighted 245. Kinda' broad at the shoulder, and narrow
at the hip. And everybody knew you didn't give no lip, _____ 
______  ________."
 
QUESTION #24:
"I found my thrill, _____  ____________  __________________." You
may remember Riche Cunningham singing this. But if you are a true
boomer, you know it was Fats Domino who made this line famous.
 
QUESTION #25:
"Good night, Mrs. Calabash, ___________  ____  ____ ." This
originated long before even the first of us boomers was born. But
in order to be a true baby boomer, you have to have some breadth.
 
QUESTION #26:
"Good night, David." "_________ __________ , __________."
 
QUESTION #27.
"Liar, liar, ______  ___  _____ ."
 
QUESTION #28.
"When it's least expected, you're elected; You're the star today.
Smile! _______  ___  _______  _______ ."
 
QUESTION #29.
From our parents' day, as I recall, it was Pogo, the comic strip
character, who said, "We have met the enemy, and ___  ___ ___ ."
 
QUESTION #30.
Who put the bop in the bop she-bop she-bop?
        ___________________________.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 20 Nov 1998 13:19:25 -0500
From:    John Vogel <jvogel@DGS.DGSYS.COM>
Subject: Top5 - 11/19/98 - Articles in "Girl Scout Cosmo"  (Part I)
 
       T  H  E     T  O  P     F  I  V  E     L  I  S  T
                       November 19, 1998
       The Top 12 Articles in "Girl Scout Cosmopolitan"
                           (Part I)
 
12> The New "Tripp" Badge: Tips on Taping Your Friends'
    Phone Calls
 
11> Den Mothers Who Spank -- and the Scouts Who Like It!
 
10> The 5 Warning Signs of Cooties
 
 9> Love Across The Lake: Am I Just Another Badge On His Sash?
 
 8> Good Girls Get Badges, Bad Girls Get Mink
 
 7> Oxy-*50*?  It's closer than you think!
 
 6> The Cookie Makeover: Thinner Mints in 7 Days
 
 5> Real-Life Adventures:  "I Slipped the Tongue to a Really
    Cute Guy While Giving Him CPR"
 
 4> How To Tell If Your Scoutmaster Watches "Ellen"
 
 3> Give Him S'More: Make-out Tips That'd Make Your Troop
    Leader Blush!
 
 2> I Was a 78-lb Tub of Lard
 
 and Top5's Number 1 Article in "Girl Scout Cosmopolitan"...
 
 1> Locating Your "Gee, I'll Sell Cookies Here" Spot
 
 
[           This list copyright 1998 by Chris White            ]
[  The Top 5 List   top5@gmbweb.com    http://www.topfive.com  ]
[      To forward or repost, please include this section.      ]
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 20 Nov 1998 12:26:34 -0600
From:    RANEBOUX <wett@GS.VERIO.NET>
Subject: Zachary DiseaSE(adult)
 
A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a
date nor any sex in quite some time.  Feeling something was
wrong with her, she decided to employ the medical expertise of
a sex therapist.  Her MD recommended that she go see Dr. Chang,
a well known Chinese sex therapist.  So she went to see him.
 
Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "Okay, take
off all your crose.  Now get down and crawl reery fass to the
other side of the woom."  So she did.
 
Dr.Chang said, "Okay now crawl reery fass to me." So she did that
too.  Dr. Chang slowly shook his head and said, "Your probrem vewy,
vewy bad.  You haf Zachary Disease.  Worse case I ever see, that
why you not haf sex or dates."
 
Confused, the woman asked, "What is Zachary Disease?"
 
Dr. Chang replied, "It when your face rook Zachary rike your ass."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 20 Nov 1998 13:41:56 -0500
From:    rlb <rlb@DORUK.COM.TR>
Subject: If you love something, set it free...
 
Dirty Harry / Vengeful Charles Bronson version:
 
If you love something,
Set it free.
If it comes back,
It was really yours.
If it doesn't,
Hunt it down and kill it.
 
 
http://www.geocities.com/Athens/Ithaca/5309/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 20 Nov 1998 19:26:21 GMT
From:    Catweasel <catweasel@CATWEASEL.ORG>
Subject: Enlightenment the Catweasel way
 
 1. Be a Fundamentalist -- ensure that the Fun always comes before
    the Mental. Realise that life is a situation comedy that will
    never be cancelled. A laugh track has been provided and the
    reason we are put in the material world is to get more
    material.  Have a good laughsitive twice a day, which will
    ensure reguhilarity.
 
 2. Remember that each of us has been given a special gift just for
    entering, so you are already a winner!
 
 3. The most powerful tool on the planet today is Tell-A-Vision.
    That's where I tell a vision to you and you tell a vision to
    me. That way, if we don't like the programming we're getting,
    we can change the channel.
 
 4. Life is like photography -- you use the negative to develop.
 
 5. It is true: As we go through life thinking heavy thoughts,
    thought particles tend to get caught between the ears and cause
    a condition called "truth decay." Be sure to use mental floss
    twice a day, and when you're tempted to practice 'tantrum
    yoga,' remember what we teach in the Swami's Absurdiveness
    Training Class: DON'T GET EVEN, GET ODD.
 
 6. If we want world peace, we must let go of our attachments and
    truly live like nomads. That's where I no mad at you and you no
    mad at me. That way there'll surely be nomadness on the planet.
    Peace begins with each of us. A little peace here, a little
    peace there. Pretty soon all the peaces will fit together to
    make one big peace everywhere.
 
 7. I know great earth changes have been predicted for the future,
    so if you're looking to avoid earthquakes my advice is simple:
    When you find a fault don't dwell on it.
 
 8. There's no need to change the world. All we have to do is
    toilet train the world and we'll never have to change it again.
 
 9. If you're looking for the key to the Universe I've got some
    good news and some bad news. The bad news: There is no key to
    the Universe. The good news: It was never locked.
 
10. Finally, everything I've told you is channelled. That way, if
    you don't like it, it's not my fault. But remember:
    Enlightenment is not a bureaucracy, so you don't have to go
    through channels.
 
 
http://www.catweasel.org
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 20 Nov 1998 15:48:10 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: You Know You're Having a Bad Day When...
 
-  Your horn sticks on the freeway behind 32 Hell's Angels
   motorcyclists.
-  You've been at work 3 hours before you notice that your fly is
   open or your blouse unbuttoned.
-  Your twin sister forgets your birthday.
-  Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
-  You call the suicide prevention hotline and they put you on
   hold.
-  You have to sit down to brush your teeth in the morning.
-  Everyone avoids you the morning after the company office party.
-  Your income tax refund check bounces.
-  It costs more to fill up your car than it did to buy it.
-  The bird singing outside your window is a vulture.
-  You wake up and your braces are stuck together.
-  Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife/husband.
-  You put both contacts into the same eye.
-  Your mother approves of the person you're dating.
-  Your doctor tells you that you're allergic to chocolate.
-  You have to borrow from your Visa card to pay your Mastercard.
-  Nothing you own is actually paid for.
-  Everyone loves your driver's licence picture, but you think it
   looks awful.
-  The health inspector condemns your office coffee maker.
-  You invite the peeping Tom in... and he says no.
-  The Gypsy fortune teller offers to refund your money when she
   sees your future.
-  People think that you're 40 and you're only 25.
-  When the doctor tells you are in fine health for someone twice
   your age.
-  You call your spouse and tell them that you'd like to eat out
   tonight and when you get home, your find a sandwich on the front
   porch.
-  You start to put on the clothes that you wore home from the
   party last night... and there aren't any.
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 20 Nov 1998 18:53:13 -0500
From:    "William E. Grover" <g7718769@IDT.NET>
Subject: Drunk in the Restroom <adult language>
 
A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the restroom. A few
minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard. A few
minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the
bar. The bartender goes to investigate why the drunk is screaming.
"What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring my
customers!"
 
"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush,
something comes up and sqeezes the hell out of my balls."
 
With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says, "You
idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!!!"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 20 Nov 1998 21:18:30 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Dental Hygeine (Pun)
 
The husband stood in front of the bathroom mirror, carefully
flossing his teeth. "Ooh!" he would sigh every once in a while,
or "Aaah! as the little thread did its work.
 
Suddenly and seemingly without provocation, his wife stomped into
the bathroom and gave him a swift kick. Bewildered, the husband
demanded, "What was that for ?"
 
"I'm sorry," his wife replied stiffly... "but I just don't believe
in sighing flossers."
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 20 Nov 1998 to 21 Nov 1998
************************************************
 
