HUMOR Digest - 19 Nov 1998 to 20 Nov 1998
There are 10 messages totalling 598 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Friends
  2. Limericks (adult)
  3. ALL IS FAIR IN WAR
  4. You Just Might Be a Gun Nut... Part IV
  5. Oil Spill Problems
  6. It wasn't my fault.
  7. The Baby Boomer Admissions Test (Pt. 1)
  8. BIG Kid's Nursery Rhymes(Adult)
  9. The Rich Cat (Pun)
 10. All You Wanted To Know About Love <Part 2/2> <clean>
 
-------------------------------------------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 19 Nov 1998 03:10:01 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Friends
 
* Then there were the Hindu teenage friends who'd do anything
  for a laugh. They even short-sheeted their Fathers' wardrobes.
                        - - - - -
 
*   Two friends were discussing how bad business was. "Sol --
  come on over to my showroom, it's like a haunted house."
    "Oy !" said his buddy. "At least you have ghosts."
                        - - - - -
 
*   Pointing to the bear rug on the floor, a hunter told his
  friend, "I got this one in Canada -- it was either him or me."
    "Well..." his pal replied, "he makes a better rug."
                        - - - - -
 
*   Over drinks two buddies were discussing their wives. The
  first explained how they stay home all the time.
    "Listen Pal..." his buddy slurred, "it don't matter much.
  I take my wife out 3 times a week, & she keeps coming back."
                        - - - - -
 
*   Two friends out shopping for Christmas presents for their
  wives passed a jewelry store.  The one sighed and said, "I'd
  really like to smother Edna in those."
    His buddy, wide-eyed, said, "Surely there's a cheaper way."
                        - - - - -
 
*   Two buddies car-pooling to work went around the 10th guy
  riding his bike.  The driver remarked, "If all the damn pin-
  head bicyclists in Howard County were laid end-to-end, it
  sure would be a lot easier to drive to work."
                        - - - - -
 
* A friend of mine was in therapy to try to improve his self-
  confidence.  I called the other day to see how he was doing
  and his answering machine came on the line: "I'm home right
  now, but you probably don't really want to talk to me anyway."
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Indexed UGA Humor Digests 1997-1998:
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 19 Nov 1998 09:16:45 +0100
From:    "Jagannatha Rao Jagannatha (K5/ESP)"
          <Jagannatha.Rao@DE.BOSCH.COM>
Subject: Limericks (adult)
 
     The tits, legs, and ass on Miss Lewinsky
     Cause the cults of Bill to cheer.
        She's a sensual delight
        To a lacivious sight,
     Up or Down not excluding the queer.
 
          Source : Juggy
         ------------------------
 
     Said a lady called Lewinsky,
     "I am going to retire to Whitehouse,
        Where always is heard
        A four-letter word,
     And nobody calls you a lighthouse."
 
          Source : Juggy
         ------------------------
 
     In a letter, from Lewinsky to Bill,
     She Wrote: Sir, I don't worry unduly
            It maybe thought
        That my sex drive is naught
     I remain, Sir, Yours truly.
 
          Source : Juggy
         ------------------------
 
     A young airline stewardess, May,
     Has achieved liberation today.
        She screwed without quittin',
        From New York to Britain;
     It's clear she has come a long way.
 
          Source : Anonymous
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 19 Nov 1998 07:02:54 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: ALL IS FAIR IN WAR
 
        THE HISTORICAL ORIGIN OF THE MIDDLE FINGER
        -------------------------------------------
 
Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating
victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of
all captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger, it would
be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore be
incapable of fighting in the future.
 
This famous weapon was made of the native English Yew tree and the
act of drawing the longbow was known as "plucking the yew." Much to
the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and
began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the
defeated French, saying, "See, we can still pluck yew! PLUCK YEW!"
 
Over the years, some 'folk etymologies' have grown up around this
symbolic gesture. Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say
(like "pleasant mother, pheasant plucker", which is who you had to
go to for the feathers used on the arrows for the longbow), the
difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed
to a labiodental fricative 'F', and thus the words often used in
conjunction with the one-finger-salute are mistakenly thought to
have something to do with an intimate encounter.
 
It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows that the
symbolic gesture is known as "giving the bird".
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 19 Nov 1998 08:25:38 -0500
From:    Paul Benoit <Paul_Benoit@SPEEDLINE.COOKSON.COM>
Subject: You Just Might Be a Gun Nut... Part IV
 
...if you tag pages in SGN/GL for later reference.
...if you own enough guns to arm everyone on your block.
...if you own 4 AR-15's configured EXACTLY the same but by
     different manufactures (Colt, Bushmaster, Olympic Arms,
     Armalite, etc.) just because you can.
...if the last 5 guns you bought are never to be fired.
...if, when buying a new gun, you plead with your gun shop
     to keep it until you have space for it.
...if your wife wants to wear black leather so you buy her
     a carry holster.
...if you have Trijicon Night-Lights in your bedroom.
...if your mailbox has a Weaver Rail on top.
...if you can't figure out why your non-shooting friends
     laugh when you say, "Bushmaster."
...if you would like to see Bill Clinton or Barbara Boxer spend
     even one hour after midnight at a Washington, DC bus-stop
     without their bodyguards.
...if you build a gun rack in your bedroom and it's closer
     to you than your wife.
...if you can identify gunshots from faraway as to caliber,
     whether from a rifle or pistol, brand of gun, grains of powder
     used, *what* powder and at what velocity.
...if you ever stumbled across a cache of once-fired brass
     for a caliber you don't own, but hoarded it anyway.
...if your answer to the recent rec.guns newsgroup thread,
     "How many guns do you need?"  is,  "How many do you
     have room for in your house?"
...if you stockpiled thousands of primers during the infamous
     "Primer Famine of 1994."
...if a friend knows you reload and gives you a set of dies
     of a caliber you do not already have, and you go out
     and buy a gun so you can use the FREE dies.
...if, when you do the wash, several spent casings
     fall out of your rolled-up sleeves.
...if you go to a gun show and contemplate buying a
     particular gun for a half an hour before you remember
     that you already have that one.
...if, when you go to the magazine rack, you check the "Guns
     and Ammo" cover to see if there are new guns as compared
     to checking the Playboy cover to see what it is offering.
...if you own more reloading manuals than Bibles.
...if you own a BAYONET for a gun you haven't bought yet.
...if you buy a gun that is a duplicate of one you already have
     because the original one might break someday . . .
...if you name your first-born boy MAK90.
...if you'd rather have a $10,000 PSG-1 and drive a $600 car,
     rather than drive a $10,000 car and have a $600 gun.
...if you preach how stupid gun laws/bans are at work
     when you work in a predominantly ANTI-gun company.
...if you would rather ban alcohol than high-capacity
     clips/magazines.
...if you name your first-born girl LadySmith.
...if your kid's disposable diapers come in camo battle packs.
...if it bothers you more when 007 runs out of ammo
     than when the BOND girl dies.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 19 Nov 1998 10:07:27 -0500
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@LATTE.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Oil Spill Problems
 
There was a fairly large oil spill in southern Kansas this week,
that left oil streaming down the Verdegris river.  Since the town
of Nowata gets its water from that river, town officials have
closed off the pumps that draw from the river until the spill is
cleaned up.
 
Result? Nowata!
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 19 Nov 1998 18:13:57 GMT
From:    Catweasel <catweasel@CATWEASEL.ORG>
Subject: It wasn't my fault.
 
Insurance claim details collected by Norwich Union for their annual
Christmas magazine:
 
 
"I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I
 thought."
 
"I had one eye on a parked car, another on approaching lorries, and
 another on the woman behind."
 
"I started to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel and
 an elephant tethered at the verge. This distraction caused me to
 lose concentration and hit a bollard."
 
"On the M6 I moved from the centre lane to the fast lane but the
 other car didn't give way."
 
"On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly
 broke."
 
"I was going at about 70 or 80 mph when my girlfriend on the
 pillion reached over and grabbed my testicles so I lost control."
 
"I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight."
 
"I was on my way to see an unconscious patient who had convulsions
 and was blocked by a tanker."
 
"Mr. 'X' is in hospital and says I can use his car and take his
 wife while he is there. What shall I do about it?"
 
"No witnesses would admit having seen the mishap until after it
 happened."
 
"I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have
 asked her to drive it if I had thought there was any risk."
 
"First car stopped suddenly, second car hit first car and a haggis
 ran into the rear of second car."
 
"The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him
 again."
 
"We had completed the turn and had just straightened the car when
 Miss 'X'put her foot down hard and headed for the ladies' loo."
 
"I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel
 and had an accident."
 
"I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-
 law and headed over the embankment."
 
"Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree
 I don't have."
 
"The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its
 intention."
 
"I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way."
 
"A pedestrian hit me and went under my car."
 
"The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times
 before I hit him."
 
"In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole."
 
"I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As
 I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision
 and I did not see the other car."
 
"I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my
 universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
 
"To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck the
 pedestrian."
 
"My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle."
 
"An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished."
 
"I am sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of
 the road when I struck him."
 
"The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran over him."
 
"I saw a slow-moving, sad faced old gentleman, as he bounced off
 the roof of my car."
 
"The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car
 with a big mouth."
 
"I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found
 in a ditch by some stray cows."
 
 
http://www.catweasel.org
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 19 Nov 1998 12:04:09 -0500
From:    Jim Mica <jmica@ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: The Baby Boomer Admissions Test (Pt. 1)

According to the US Census Bureau, 10,065 Americans turn 50 each
day.  Take the following test to determine if YOU qualify as a Post
War Baby Boomer.
 
 
  QUESTION #1:
  Name the Beatles - both the first and last name of each, of
  course. Consider this a warm-up.
  [If you can't answer this one without thinking, close up the
   test, and move on to something else. We have nothing further
   to discuss. ]
 
  QUESTION #2:
  Finish the line: "Lions and tigers and bears, ____   _____!"
  Admittedly, this came along before we boomers were born. But we
  remember it from both the movies and the boob tube.
 
  QUESTION #3:
  "Hey kids, what time is it?" ______ _________ ________ ________.
 
  QUESTION #4:
  What do M&M's do? _____  ___  ______  ________ , _____ ___  _____
  _______.
 
  QUESTION #5:
  What helps build strong bodies 12 ways? _________  _________.
 
  QUESTION #6:
  Long before he was Mohammed Ali, before he was The Greatest,
  we knew him was _________ _________.
 
  QUESTION #7:
  "You'll wonder where the yellow went,
  _____  ____  ______  _____ ______  _____ ___________."
 
  QUESTION #8:
  Those post-baby boomers, or baby boomer wannabees, know
  Bob Denver as the Skipper's "little buddy." But we true boomers
  know that Bob Denver is actually Dobie's closest friend,
  _____________ G. _____________.
 
  QUESTION #9:
  "M-I-C: See ya' real soon; K-E-Y: ______?
  __________ ____ _______ ______."
 
  QUESTION #10:
  Definition: A "streaker" is someone who might go running through
  the lobby of the girls' dormitory ___________________.
 
  QUESTION #11:
  "Brylcream: ___ ________ _______ _______ ______ _______."
 
  QUESTION #12:
  Bob Dylan advised us never to trust anyone ________  _____.
 
  QUESTION #13:
  From the early days of our music, real rock 'n roll, finish this
  line: "I wonder, wonder, wonder...wonder who; _______ _______
  ______ ______ ___________."
 
  QUESTION #14:
  And while we're remembering rock n' roll, try this one:
  "War...uh-huh, huh...yea; what is it good for? ___________
   ____________."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 19 Nov 1998 17:18:50 -0600
From:    RANEBOUX <wett@GS.VERIO.NET>
Subject: BIG Kid's Nursery Rhymes(Adult)
 
          This Little Piggy
 
  This little piggy went to market.
  This little piggy stayed home.
  This little piggy had roast beef.
  This little piggy had none.
  This little piggy went wee, wee, wee bought
     some Depends disposable undergarments to solve that problem.
          ============
 
          Humpty Dumpty
 
  Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall ,
  Humpty Dumpty had a great fall,
  And his winter wasn't bad either.
          ============
 
          Mary
 
  Mary had a little lamb,
  Little lamb, little lamb,
  Mary had a little lamb,
  So she is suing the test tube lab.
          ============
 
          Fuzzy
 
  Fuzzy Wuzzy was a bare,
  Fuzzy Wuzzy had no hair,
  Fuzzy Wuzzy was arrested for indecent exposure and
     is now serving time in the state pen.
          ============
 
          Garden
 
  Mary, Mary quite contrary how does your garden grow,
  Spraying pesticides and herbicides all down the row?
          ============
 
          Bridge
 
  London Bridge is in Arizona, Arizona, Arizona.,
  London Bridge is in Arizona, as a tourist trap.
          ============
 
          Peter
 
  Peter, Peter wife beater
  Had a wife and used to beat her,
  'Till she shot him with a shot gun shell,
  And sent that bastard straight to hell.
  Then she sold the movie rights.
  It's now a mini series on Tuesday nights.
          ============
 
          Jack
 
  Jack be nimble,
  Jack be quick,
  Jack jumped over the candle stick,
  And burned his dick.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 19 Nov 1998 16:16:26 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: The Rich Cat (Pun)
 
In the Bronx, N.Y., lived a rich cat who was a bit of a snob,
though she did deign to chat on occasion with her neighbor, an
alley cat. One day, she announced that she was about to have an
operation, but she didn't mention what it was for.
 
Two weeks later, her humble friend saw her again and inquired
politely how she was feeling, then dared to ask what kind of
operation she had had.
 
"Oh, I am quite well now, thank you," the rich cat replied,
stiffly. "I had a hysterectomy."
 
"For heaven's sake!" the alley cat exclaimed in exasperation...
"Why can't you call a spayed a spayed.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 20 Nov 1998 09:36:28 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMCLTD.COM>
Subject: All You Wanted To Know About Love <Part 2/2> <clean>
 
>From all the angles :)
 
     Original Quote:
 
If you love someone,
Set her free...
If she comes back, she's yours,
If she doesn't, she never was....
 
          The New Versions.....(continued)
 
Schwarzenegger's fans:
If you love someone,
Set her free,
SHE'LL BE BACK!
 
Over possessive person:
If you love someone
don't set her free.
 
HR specialist:
If you love someone
set her free by
Offering her VRS and other benefits
Then outsource her.
 
MBA Graduate:
If you love someone
set her free
instantaneously
and look for others simultaneously
 
Psychologist:
If you love someone
set her free
If she comes back her super ego is dominant
If she does'nt come back her id is supreme
If she does'nt go, she must be crazy.
 
Somnabulist:
If you love someone
set her free
If she comes back it's a nightmare
If she does'nt, you must be dreaming.
 
(Err..)Rhett Butler:
If you love someone
set YOURSELF FREE
If she asks you why
say you don't give a damn.
 
ERP functional expert:
If you love someone
set her free
If she comes back, map her into your system
If she does'nt,carry out a gap-fit analysis
 
Finance expert:
If you love someone
set her free
If she comes back its time to look fresh loans
If she does'nt, write her off as an asset gone bad.
 
Marketing Expert:
If you love someone
set her free
If she comes back she has brand loyalty
If she does'nt, reposition the brand in new markets.
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 19 Nov 1998 to 20 Nov 1998
************************************************
 
