HUMOR Digest - 18 Nov 1998 to 19 Nov 1998
There are 16 messages totalling 807 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Smart Dog (Pun)
  2. Subverted Logic
  3. The Convent of St. Elias
  4. Good/Bad (mature)
  5. Duck soup < Suitable for all >
  6. You Just Might Be a Gun Nut... Part III
  7. Top 10 Signs You're Being Stalked by Martha Stewart
  8. Tommy and the bordello <adult>
  9. Mother/daughter talk
 10. Laid off from work <adult>
 11. The Mathematics of Relationships
 12. Monday Morning Blues
 13. All You Wanted To Know About Love <Part 1/2> <clean>
 14. Comparison:  Titanic Video Vs. Clinton Video
 15. The Sheiks' Sons (Pun)
 16. The Penis Poem  <adult>
 
------------------------------------------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 17 Nov 1998 23:32:11 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Smart Dog (Pun)
 
In the early 1700s, the captain of a Spanish pirate ship was very
proud of his mongrel pet for its ability to bark once for "Si," and
twice for "No." After being captured by a British commander, the
dog was taught the same trick in English.  He thereby became...
the world's first "Si" and "Aye" dog!
 
               -By Robert W. Leisure
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 18 Nov 1998 02:55:32 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Subverted Logic
 
* Then there was the Yuppette who gave up her flying lessons.
  She didn't care for any of the landing patterns.
                        - - - - -
 
* The evangelist exhorted the crowd to fill the collection
  plates saying, "Y'all know you can't take it with you
  anyway. Give it to me. I'll see that it's sent on ahead."
                        - - - - -
 
*   Feminist logic has even infiltrated kindergarten. The
  teacher asked, "What comes after 'O' ?"
    One lil' feminist-to-be answered, "Yeah ?"
                        - - - - -
 
* Arguing with his wife about whether he was overweight or not,
  the man told her: "What I lack in muscle, I more than make-up
  for in flab."
                        - - - - -
 
* The Yuppette didn't like wearing glasses since they hurt her
  ears; yet she thought the newest styles chic.  Her solution ?
  She requested the optician to make her a pair of wire-rimmed
  contact lenses.
                        - - - - -
 
*   The professor was admonishing the class for their low test
  results: "A fool can always ask far more questions than a
  wise man can answer."
    A student piped-up, "No wonder so many of us flunked."
                        - - - - -
 
*   One student submitted his physics exam with no answer to a
  rather difficult question.  He wrote: "Even God doesn't know
  the answer that one."
    Returned with a failing grade, the professor added his own
  comment, "Then I have no choice but to fail both you and God."
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Indexed UGA Humor Digests 1997-1998:
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 18 Nov 1998 06:00:43 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: The Convent of St. Elias
 
PRILEP, Macedonia
 
Outside a small Macedonian village close to the border between
Greece and strife-torn Yugoslavia, a lone Orthodox nun keeps quiet
watch over a silent convent. She is the last caretaker of a site of
significant historical developments spanning more than 2,000 years.
When Sister Maria Cyrilla of the Order of the Perpetual Vigil dies,
the convent of St. Elias will be closed by the Eastern Orthodox
Patriarch of Macedonia.
 
However, that isn't likely to happen soon, as Sister Maria, 53,
enjoys excellent health. By her own estimate, she walks 10 miles
daily about the grounds of the convent, land which once served as a
base for the army of Attila the Hun. In more ancient times, a Greek
temple to Eros, the god of love, occupied the hilltop site.
 
Historians say that Attila took over the old temple in 439 A.D. and
used it as a base for his marauding army. The Huns are believed to
have first collected and then destroyed a large collection of Greek
legal writs at the site. It is believed that Attila wanted to study
the Greek legal system and had the writs and other documents
brought to the temple. Scholars differ on why he had the valuable
documents destroyed - either because he was barely literate and
couldn't read or because they provided evidence of democratic
government that did not square with his own notion of rule by an
all-powerful tyrant.
 
When the Greek Church took over the site in the 15th Century and
the convent was built, church leaders ordered the pagan statue of
Eros destroyed, so another ancient Greek treasure was lost. Today,
there is only the lone sister, watching over the old Hun base,
amidst the strife of war-torn Yugoslavia, and when she is no
longer, the story will be over.
 
That's how it ends: No Huns, no writs, no Eros, and nun left on
base.
 
               -Thanks to Steve Kilbride
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 18 Nov 1998 07:20:54 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Good/Bad (mature)
 
Bad: You find a porn movie in your son's room.
Worse: You're in it.
 
Bad: Your children are sexually active.
Worse: With each other.
 
Good: The teacher likes your son.
Bad: Sexually.
 
Good: You go to see a strip show.
Bad: Your daughter's the headliner.
 
Good: Your boyfriend's exercising.
Bad: So he'll fit in your clothes.
 
Good: Your daughter's on the Pill.
Bad: She's eleven.
 
Good: Your wife meets you at the door nude.
Bad: She's coming home.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 18 Nov 1998 05:41:12 PST
From:    r s <jeetay@HOTMAIL.COM>
Subject: Duck soup < Suitable for all >
 
Some teachers are in the habit of preaching dead dogma that has
long since stopped being meaningful. Spiritual teaching, like
everything else, needs renewal.
 
A wise teacher who lived in China was visited by a friend who
brought with him a nice duck. They made a handsome meal of it. The
next day, another man, who claimed to be the friend of the friend
who brought the duck, dropped by for a meal. The teacher shared the
scraps with him, for that was all he had.
 
The next evening yet another man dropped in claiming to be the
friend of the friend of the friend who brought the duck. The
teacher asked him to sit down and served him a bowl of hot water.
 
"What is this?" asked the visitor in consternation.
 
"That", said the teacher, " is soup made from the soup made from
the soup of the duck I was given three days ago."
 
 
Archives at Airy Fairy Tales
http://members.xoom.com/RanjeetSingh/main.html
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 18 Nov 1998 09:18:06 -0500
From:    Paul Benoit <Paul_Benoit@SPEEDLINE.COOKSON.COM>
Subject: You Just Might Be a Gun Nut... Part III
 
...if you wish you could buy "The Blue Book of Gun Values"
     in hard cover.
...if you watch old WWII movies and can identify all the rifles
     and handguns, but can't remember who starred in the movie
     or what it was about.
...if you consider it a point of honor to buy factory ammo
     only if you need the brass.
...if, when you hear or see the numbers 221 you automatically
     think "fireball," 257 you think "Roberts," 218 "Bee,"
     4570 "government," etc., and can't stop.
...if your pickup is subject to search at any given time because,
     in your state, empty cartridge cases rolling around the floor
     are considered probable cause.
...if you read the sports section of the newspaper just for the gun
     ads.
...if you get a flat and realize that you've got 400 pounds of
     shot, a Hefty bag each of wads and empty hulls, and enough
     primers to re-open the main shaft of the Lost Dutchman on top
     of your spare tire.
...if you wonder what size rings you would need to mount the
     Hubble Space Telescope on a varmint rifle.
...if .22LR cartridges frequently find their way into your wife's
     washing machine.
...if your gun safe cost more than your dining room set.
...if you work for the military and have more shooting experience
     than the guys in uniform you work with.
...if you teenage daughter's next date is introduced to you
     while you're sitting at the loading bench cleaning your M-1.
...if you visit the shooting range more then twice a week.
...if your wife says to buy a gun she would like you to sell one
     first.
...if you have ever had your local sporting goods store
     call your house and ask, "We are doing a stock order,
     did you need anything?"
...if the checkering pattern of your favorite 1911
     is permanently impressed in your palm.
...if your bridal registry is at the local gun shop.
...if you have more cubic feet of your home devoted
     to gun-related materials than clothing.
...if you can identify on sight all rifle bolt-faces as in:
     "That's a Ruger, that's a Savage, that's a Winchester . . ."
...if the largest gun store in your area calls you if they
     need something they can't get elsewhere.
...if you're a computer specialist and you have more issues of
     Shotgun News and Gun List than MacWeek and PCWeek.
...if you actually consider buying the camo sexy underwear
     advertised for your sweetie in some gun catalogs.
...if you bought 7 or more AK-47's just so you could have
     different ones from different countries (Bulgarian, Romanian,
     Russian, Yugoslavian, Egyptian, Chinese, etc.).
...if your phone number, license plate, extension at work, etc.
     relates to some kind of bullet caliber  . . .  ON PURPOSE.
...if you have framed targets hanging in your bathroom, hallway,
     or at work, etc. with tight groups that you have shot.
...if you can read the same issue of SGN/GL/etc. everyday
     until the new issue comes out.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 18 Nov 1998 12:15:59 -0500
From:    Gwen Eckman <geckman@POLARIS.UMUC.EDU>
Subject: Top 10 Signs You're Being Stalked by Martha Stewart
 
10. You get a threatening note made up of letters cut out of a
    magazine with pinking shears, and they're all the same size,
    the same font, and precisely lined up in razor-sharp rows.
 
 9. You find a lemon slice in the dog's water bowl.
 
 8. On her TV show she makes a gingerbread house that looks
    exactly like your split-level, right down to the fallen
    licorice downspout and the half-open graham cracker garage
    door.
 
 7. You find your pet bunny on the stove in an exquisite tarragon,
    rose petal & saffron demi-glace', with pecan-crusted hearts of
    palm and a delicate mint-fennel sauce.
 
 6. The unmistakable aroma of potpourri follows you even after you
    leave the bathroom.
 
 5. You discover that every napkin in the entire house has been
    folded into a swan.
 
 4. No matter "where" you eat, your place setting always includes
    an oyster fork.
 
 3. Twice this week you've been the victim of a drive-by doilying.
 
 2. You wake up in the hospital with a concussion and endive
    stuffing in every orifice.
 
    and the number 1 Sign You're Being Stalked by Martha Stewart...
 
 1. You awaken one morning with a glue gun pointed squarely at your
    temple.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 18 Nov 1998 18:52:03 GMT
From:    Catweasel <catweasel@CATWEASEL.ORG>
Subject: Tommy and the bordello <adult>
 
Twelve year old Tommy enters the local brothel, dragging a dead
frog on a piece of string along behind him (thud! thud! thud!) He
goes up to the woman at the front and says "Please, Miss, I'd like
a girl please."
 
"Go home, sonny" replies the madam, not unkindly, "you're too young
yet for this." Tommy reaches into his pocket and drags out a $50
note which he slaps on the desk and beams brightly.
 
"Up the stairs, 3rd door on the right" comes the reply as the $50
vanishes.
 
Tommy starts to climb the stairs (thud! thud! thud!), when he runs
back again (thud! thud! thud!). "I forgot, this girl has got to
have active herpes!" he cries.
 
"No way kid, all our girls are clean!" Tommy reaches into the other
pocket and another $50 appears. "Ah, last door on the left..." he
is told. Tommy climbs the stairs, still dragging the dead frog on
the string (thud! thud! thud!), and some time later reappears.
 
He waves to the woman at the front desk and is about to go out
(thud! thud! thud!) when she calls him back. "I can understand
curiosity at your age," she says, "but why the active herpes?"
 
"Well," says Tommy, "when I go home, the babysitter will be there.
I'll screw her before she goes home and she'll get the herpes.
Later on, dad'll take her home and have her in the back of the
Mercedes, and he'll get the herpes. Later on, he'll get back and
jump on mummy and she will get the herpes too. In the morning,
daddy'll go to work, the milkman will come and get in bed with
mummy and he'll get the herpes and HE'S THE BASTARD WHO RAN OVER
MY FROG!"
 
 
http://www.catweasel.org
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 18 Nov 1998 14:56:24 EST
From:    Sue Sevin <SueS7@AOL.COM>
Subject: Mother/daughter talk
 
Hillary and Chelsea are sitting around the table having a
mother/daughter talk.
 
Hillary says to Chelsea, "You have been going to college
for a while now.  Have you had sex yet?"
 
Chelsea says, "Well, not according to Dad."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 18 Nov 1998 12:25:18 PST
From:    "Mr. Hardwick" <hardwickj@ESSEX.USMC.MIL>
Subject: Laid off from work <adult>
 
An office manager had money problems and had to fire an employee,
either Jack or Jill...  He thought he'd fire the employee who came
late to work.
 
The next morning, both employees came to work very early.  So the
manager thought he would fire the first one who took a coffee
break.
 
Unfortunately, neither employee took a coffee break. Then the
manager decided to see who took the longest lunch break -
strangely, neither Jack nor Jill took a lunch break that day,
they both ate at their desk.
 
Then the manager thought he'd wait to see who would leave work the
earliest, but both employees stayed after closing.  Jill finally
went to the coat rack & the manager went up to her & said, "Jill, I
have a terrible problem. I don't know whether to lay you or Jack
off."
 
Jill said, "Well, you'd better jack off, because I'm late for my
bus."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 18 Nov 1998 18:17:58 -0600
From:    RANEBOUX <wett@GS.VERIO.NET>
Subject: The Mathematics of Relationships
 
They integrated from the very point of origin. Her curves were
continuous, and even though he was odd, he was a real number. They
both wanted to get skewed. The day their lines first intersected,
they became an ordered pair. From then on it was a continuous
function.
 
They were both in their prime, so in next to no time they were
horizontal and parallel. She was awed by the magnitude of his
perpendicular line, and he was amazed by her conical projections.
 
"Bisect my angle!" she postulated each time she reached her local
maximum. They had many simultaneous solutions. He taught her the
chain rule as she implicitly defined the amplitude of his simple
harmonic motion. They underwent multiple rotations of their axes,
until at last they reached the vertex, the critical point, their
finite limit.
 
After that they slept like logs. Later she found him taking a
right-handed limit, that was a  problem, it was improper form. He
meanwhile had realized that she was irrational, not to mention
square. It seemed as though she was from another dimension. Things
just weren't adding up.
 
They diverged. That was a real plus because he needed to get her
out of his domain. She's currently reaching the limit in a
relationship that is somewhat undefined.  He is currently unable
to afford dating because he did a cosine on a loan for his son,
Ray.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 18 Nov 1998 19:44:11 EST
From:    Lacey Hoedl <Wit49727@AOL.COM>
Subject: Monday Morning Blues
 
When the alarm clock sounds you realize you were born too long ago
to get out of bed.  You listen to the radio, hoping to hear that
the universe came to an end last night and work is canceled.
Someone has set the gravity in your bedroom to "overload." You do
not feel like singing in the shower.  Or soaping.  The weary face
staring back at you in the mirror looks familiar: Bob Dole.
 
You go to breakfast determined to eat a nutritious meal but find
yourself wavering between cold pizza and chocolate cake.  A note
from your daughter contains a threat to sue you for back allowance.
Your dog has chewed your shoes; you decide this doesn't really
matter.  The front door seems too far away to bother. You wonder if
you can make your voice hoarse enough to call in sick.  Your
daughter shrieks that her parakeet has escaped again.  This puts
the cat in a festive mood.
 
The newspaper apparently was delivered by a confetti service, and
you need a rake to gather it up.  A cursory examination of today's
headlines reveals that the world is going to hell in a handbasket.
 
The reason you get up this early is to beat the rush hour.  It
looks as though everyone else in your city had the same idea.  You
sit in a sea of red tail lights while the morning DJ advises you
that every highway is gridlocked and you'll have to wait until they
build a road to your location to be evacuated.  He sounds pretty
cheerful, up in that helicopter, and you regret your lack of
surface-to-air missiles.
 
Your car's heater appears to be drooling and it sounds like your
engine is trying to escape.  You gaze out the window, another
victim of road apathy. All around you, people are phoning, faxing,
and e-mailing, more productive in their vehicles than you are in
your office.  They're probably communicating with each other --
hey, look at that bozo in that beat-up car, he doesn't even have
a phone!  Tomorrow you'll bring your wood chipper and grind up some
tree limbs as you cruise past; that'll show 'em.
 
You remember reading somewhere that the earth is pelted with over a
thousand meteors a day.  Once again, they've failed to hit your
office building. Past or present Employees of the Month get to park
in the covered lot. Everyone else in the company has won but you;
the time you were the only person left on the ballot you were
beaten by "undecided."  The holes your dog left in your shoes
allows the slush to wash in and bathe your toes.
 
The security guard doesn't recognize you and insists on doing a
cavity search.  The coffee tastes like they've found another
application for petroleum by-products.  There are free bagels this
morning, but the only flavors left are "carp" and "oak."
 
Over the weekend they re-stacked the furniture to increase seating
density. You now have a roommate in your cubicle.  "Just call me
crazy Lou," he introduces himself.  He apologizes for the way he
smells.  He confides that he is surprised that they gave him a
roommate after what he "did to the last one."
 
Your newest project is to re-write the translation of a German
technical manual.  It needs to be done this afternoon.  The
translation was completed by a new software program that your IT
department admits "has a few bugs." You start to work on the first
sentence.
 
"Your new Zlecko 90 has over two hundred potatoes which MUST be
poured with sexual protuberances on the occasion of redressing the
flimsy," it says. You ponder whether to tweak the wording or if
this makes enough sense as it is.  Lou is holding his fists to the
side of his head and muttering, "Stop talking.  Everyone stop
TALKING."
 
Your e-mail tool flashes and you open it.  Your boss congratulates
you on the anniversary of your employment with the company and
would like you to stop by for a chat.  He requests that you pack up
your things in a box, first.  Lou looks startled when you stand up,
complaining that you are leaving "just when things were going to
get fun."  He sets his ice pick down with an air of disappointment.
 
Your boss explains that under the recent corporate restructuring,
you will be reporting to the third floor janitor.  Your new job
title is "Scum." It's about time you got promoted!  The boss says
that normally he would take you to lunch, but he can't stand to
look at you.  He offers you a carp bagel and asks that you eat it
outside.
 
You step outdoors with the smokers to eat the bagel, but they point
to a sign that says, "no bottom-feeding fish within 500 yards of
this building." By the time you've trudged the 500 yards, you're up
against another building with the same sign.  Soon you're in the
next county, where you throw the bagel in a dumpster.  A man living
in the dumpster throws it back.
 
Back at your office, you discover that you don't have your security
card. You knock on the door, but the guard refuses to acknowledge
your presence. After half an hour, you give up and get in your car
to go home.
 
Only four more days of this until the weekend!
 
 
Copyright 1998 W. Bruce Cameron http://www.wbrucecameron.com
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 19 Nov 1998 09:36:09 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMCLTD.COM>
Subject: All You Wanted To Know About Love <Part 1/2> <clean>
 
>From all the angles
 
     Original Quote:

If you love someone,
Set her free...
If she comes back, she's yours,
If she doesn't, she never was....
 
     The New Versions.....
 
Pessimist:
If you love someone,
Set her free ...
If she ever comes back, she's yours,
If she doesn't, as expected, she never was
 
Optimist:
If you love someone,
Set her free ...
Don't worry, she will come back.
 
Suspicious:
If you love someone,
Set her free ...
If she ever comes back, ask her why.
 
Impatient:
If you love someone,
Set her free ...
If she doesn't comes back within some time
forget her.
 
Patient:
If you love someone,
Set her free ...
If she doesn't come back, continue to wait
until she comes back...
 
Playful:
If you love someone,
Set her free ...
If she comes back, and if you love her still,
set her free again, repeat
 
C++ Programmer:
if(you-love(m_she))
m_she.free()
if(m_she == NULL)
m_she= new CShe;
 
Animal-Rights Activist:
If you love someone,
Set her free,
In fact, all living creatures deserve to be free!!
 
Lawyers:
If you love someone,
Set her free,
Clause 1a of Paragraph 13a-1 in the second
amendment of the Matrimonial Freedom Act clearly states that...
 
Bill Gates :
If you love someone,
Set her free,
If she comes back,
I think we can charge her for re-installation fees
and but tell her that she's also going to get an upgrade.
 
Biologist :
If you love someone,
Set her free,
She'll evolve.
 
Statisticians :
If you love someone,
Set her free,
If she loves you, the probability of her coming back is high
If she doesn't, your relation was improbable anyway.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 18 Nov 1998 23:43:07 EST
From:    Steve Yothment <SteveYoth@AOL.COM>
Subject: Comparison:  Titanic Video Vs. Clinton Video
 
TITANIC VIDEO: $9.99 on Internet.
CLINTON VIDEO: $9.99 on Internet.
 
TITANIC VIDEO: Over 3 hours long.
CLINTON VIDEO: Over 3 hours long.
 
TITANIC VIDEO: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love,
               and subsequent catastrophe.
CLINTON VIDEO: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love,
               and subsequent catastrophe.
 
TITANIC VIDEO: Villain: White Star Line.
CLINTON VIDEO: Villain: Ken Starr.
 
TITANIC VIDEO: Jack is a starving artist.
CLINTON VIDEO: Bill is a B.S. artist
 
TITANIC VIDEO: In one part, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
CLINTON VIDEO: Ditto for Bill.
 
TITANIC VIDEO: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
CLINTON VIDEO: Ditto for Monica.
 
TITANIC VIDEO: Jack teaches Rose to spit.
CLINTON VIDEO: Let's not go there.
 
TITANIC VIDEO: Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
CLINTON VIDEO: Monica's forced to return her gifts.
 
TITANIC VIDEO: Behind the scenes: Leonardo DiCaprio is wildly
               popular.
CLINTON VIDEO: Behind the scenes: Bill Clinton's approval rating is
               at 70 percent.
 
TITANIC VIDEO: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
CLINTON VIDEO: Bill goes home to Hillary.
 
          -From an unknown source via (of course) the internet
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 18 Nov 1998 21:47:00 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: The Sheiks' Sons (Pun)
 
Seems that a real estate agent in London had the misfortune to rent
a flat to two unemployed men from the Kurdistan province of Turkey
or Iran. The two were living off their oil wealthy fathers.
Unfortunately, during a particularly long oil boycott, the money
stopped arriving and they got behind on their rent.
 
After many efforts to get paid the agent hired a collector who had
built a reputation for being able to deliver eviction notices. He
soon learned that, though the two tenants would not answer the
door, they did go out every morning to eat breakfast at the
Ayatollah cafi. It was run by an Italian who was famous for
saying...  If ayatollah you once, ayatollah a thousand times,
don't call me Abdul!
 
Bribing his way onto the staff of the cafi, he waited for the
arrival of the two. When they arrived, their modest resources
confined them to ordering coffee and English biscuits. Safe from
sight in the kitchen, the collector sliced open one of the large
biscuits, and stuffed the eviction notice inside.
 
When they were served, one of the men, trying to cut open the
biscuit, found the notice. He immediately jumped to his feet and
screamed, "What have you done, you no good Englishman?"
 
Whereupon the collector calmly replied,  Quite simple... I've
merely devised a way to bill two Kurds with one scone.
 
               -By Charles Meyer
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 19 Nov 1998 01:16:07 -0500
From:    Steve and Cindy <atlas@EZNET.NET>
Subject: The Penis Poem  <adult>
 
My nookie days are over,
My pilot light is out,
What used to be my sex appeal,
Is now my water spout.
 
Time was when, on its own accord,
From my trousers it would spring,
But now I've got a full-time job,
To find the blasted thing.
 
It used to be embarrassing,
The way it would behave,
For every single morning,
It would stand and watch me shave.
 
Now as old age approaches,
It sure gives me the blues,
To see it hang its little head,
And watch me tie my shoes!
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 18 Nov 1998 to 19 Nov 1998
************************************************
 
