HUMOR Digest - 17 Nov 1998 to 18 Nov 1998
There are 9 messages totalling 368 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Neighbors
  2. UCLA - USC
  3. The hunter (clean)
  4. Signs
  5. When The Odds Are Against You
  6. You Just Might Be a Gun Nut... Part II
  7. Definition of SEX (Adult)
  8. Religious Experience
  9. Temples In America <clean, for the NRI>
 
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Date:    Tue, 17 Nov 1998 03:44:50 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Neighbors
 
* The golden rule in Howard County is to love your neighbor --
  he may well have just the tools or equipment you need.
                           - - - - -
 
* A couple near me has quite a rocky marriage.  They're trying
  to make it work though, for the sake of the horses.
                           - - - - -
 
* Something I've always found odd, if your neighbor's problems
  aren't worse than yours, his kids are.
                           - - - - -
 
* You can always tell when it's Fall.  Neighbors return clippers,
  lawn mowers & trimmers in order to borrow rakes & leaf blowers.
                           - - - - -
 
* My neighborhood, Glenelg, is pretty small.  We don't even have
  a sanitation department. A cleaning woman comes in twice a week.
                           - - - - -
 
* We hold neighborhood parties often.  When it's our turn to host,
  Mrs JimJr, ever the housekeeper, even puts in fresh light bulbs.
                           - - - - -
 
* About the only thing worse than a neighbor with an old beat-up
  car is a neighbor who gets a new one every year.
                           - - - - -
 
* A group of neighbors in a Columbia Maryland village petitioned
  the County for a traffic light.  The County hasn't installed it
  yet though -- the neighbors can't agree on the colors.
                           - - - - -
 
*   Most of the time husband-wife arguments bother neighbors, but
  other times, they're entertaining.  Angry at being locked out
  of the house a husband yelled, "I had you before we were
  married."
    From inside, equally loud, came a retort, "Big damn deal.  So
  did all of your friends."
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Indexed UGA Humor Digests 1997-1998:
     (text)  www2.crosswinds.net/baltimore/~jimjr
      (zip)  www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
Message Board:
     www.InsideTheWeb.com/mbs.cgi/mb212137
 
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 17 Nov 1998 01:09:50 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: UCLA - USC
 
Did you hear about the guy who went into a bar to watch the
UCLA-USC game last year, and had a little dog with him? The
bartender told him he needed to take the dog outside, but the guy
told him that the dog was a huge football fan. Every time UCLA
scored a touchdown, the dog would bark, wag his tail and run
around excitedly.
 
At the end of the game, when UCLA had won, the dog did a back flip!
The bartender was amazed. "That's great," he said. "But what does
he do if USC wins?"
 
The guy said, "I don't know. The dog's only 7 years old!
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 17 Nov 1998 11:52:10 +0100
From:    "Jagannatha Rao Jagannatha (K5/ESP)"
         <Jagannatha.Rao@DE.BOSCH.COM>
Subject: The hunter (clean)
 
A game warden came upon a duck hunter who had bagged 3 ducks and
decided to "enforce the laws pending."  He stopped the hunter,
flashed his badge and said, "Looks like you've had a pretty good
day.  Mind if I inspect your kill?"
 
The hunter shrugged and handed the ducks to the warden.  The warden
took one of the ducks, inserted his finger into the duck's rectum,
pulled it out, sniffed it, and said, "This here's a Washington
state duck.  Do you have a Washington state hunting license?" The
hunter pulled out his wallet and calmly showed the warden a
Washington state hunting license.
 
The warden took a second duck, inserted his finger in the bird's
rectum, pulled it out, sniffed it, and said, "This here's an Idaho
duck.  Do you have an Idaho state hunting license?" The hunter, a
bit put out, produced an Idaho state hunting license.
 
The warden took a third duck, conducted the same finger test, and
said, "This here's an Oregon state duck. Do you have an Oregon
state hunting license?" Once again, only this time more aggravated,
the hunter produced the appropriate license.
 
The warden, a little miffed at having struck out, handed the ducks
back to the hunter and said, "You've got all of these licenses,
just where the hell are you from?"
 
The hunter dropped his pants, bent over, and said "You're so smart,
YOU TELL ME!"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 17 Nov 1998 07:20:15 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Signs
 
SIGN ON AN ELECTRICIAN'S TRUCK:  Let us remove your shorts
 
MATERNITY CLOTHES SHOP:  We are open on labor day
 
NON-SMOKING AREA:  If we see you smoking we will assume you are on
                   fire and take appropriate action
 
ON MATERNITY ROOM DOOR:  "Push, Push, Push"
 
ON A FRONT DOOR:  Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except
                  the dog
 
OPTOMETRIST'S OFFICE:  If you don't see what you're looking for,
                       you've come to the right place
 
SCIENTIST'S DOOR:  Gone Fission
 
TAXIDERMIST WINDOW:  We really know our stuff
 
PODIATRIST'S WINDOW:  Time wounds all heels
 
BUTCHER'S WINDOW:  Let me meat your needs
 
USED CAR LOT:  Second Hand cars in first crash condition
 
SIGN ON FENCE:  "Salesmen welcome.  Dog food is expensive"
 
CAR DEALERSHIP:  The best way to get back on your feet -
                 miss a car payment
 
MUFFLER SHOP:  No appointment necessary.  We'll hear you coming
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 17 Nov 1998 08:34:04 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: When The Odds Are Against You
 
It seems that these four rabbis had a series of theological
arguments, and three were always in accord against the fourth.
 
One day, the odd rabbi out, after the usual "3 to 1, majority
rules" statement that signified that he had lost again, decided
to appeal to a higher authority.
 
"Oh, God!" he cried. "I know in my heart that I am right and
they are wrong!  Please give me a sign to prove it to them!"
 
It was a beautiful, sunny day, but as soon as the rabbi finished
his prayer, a storm cloud moved across the sky above the four.
It rumbled once and dissolved. "A sign from God! See, I'm right,
I knew it!"
 
But the other three disagreed, pointing out that storm clouds
form on hot days.  So the rabbi prayed again "Oh, God, I need a
bigger sign to show that I am right and they are wrong!"

 
This time four storm clouds appeared, rushed toward each other
to form one big cloud, and a bolt of lightning slammed into a tree
on a nearby hill.  "I told you I was right!" cried the rabbi, but
his friends insisted that nothing had happened that could not be
explained by natural causes.
 
The rabbi was getting ready to ask for a *very big* sign, but just
as he said, "Oh God...," the sky turned pitch black, the earth
shook, and a deep, booming voice intoned, "HEEEEEEEE'S
RIIIIIIIGHT!"
 
The rabbi put his hands on his hips, turned to the other three,
and said, "Well?"
 
"So," shrugged one of the other rabbis, "now it's 3 to 2."
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 17 Nov 1998 08:48:14 -0500
From:    Paul Benoit <Paul_Benoit@SPEEDLINE.COOKSON.COM>
Subject: You Just Might Be a Gun Nut... Part II
 
...if you ever had to explain, "It's NOT the same gun,
     it's a different VARIANT . . . "
...if you and your new father-in-law go to a gun show
     on your wedding day.
...if you have life memberships in more than one
     shooting organization.
...if you read that "Brady II" would outlaw possession of more
     than 1,000 rounds of ammunition and think, "I have more
     than that rolling around loose in the trunk of my car!"
...if watching The Lion King gives you the itch for a
     .470 Nitro Express.
...if, while watching the movie Terminator 2, you have to
     leave the room in tears and mournful sobs after Arnold
     Schwartzenneger throws the CAR-16 off the moving
     tractor trailer and it goes bouncing away.
...if you go to three different gun shows within a month
     and you're excited every single time.
...if your guns are cleaner than your residence.
...if you have 5 different guns being DROS'd
     at 3 different FFL dealers.
...if you plunked down a $130 deposit on a Seecamp
     after waiting two years for them to accept your order,
     and are still willing to wait another two years for them
     to make your pistol.
...if your mom gives you a new Springfield Armory
     .308 sniper rifle for Christmas.
...if four local gun shops know you by name.
...if you have your own BATF agent
       (mounted any suitable way).
...if you're friends with 90% of the employee's
     at all the local gun shops.
...if you identify the gun on the cover of Dillons Blue Press
     before you even notice the girl.
...if, when you stop in at the local gun shop, they ask you
     questions like: "How was work?" "How are the wife and
     kids?" "We're gonna order some food, ya want in?" etc.
...if you have more gunpowder stashed in your home
     than your local sporting goods store has on hand.
...if you can wallpaper your house with old issues of
     Shotgun News, Gun List, Guns & Ammo, etc.
...if all of your children are life members of the NRA.
...if your children are named "Ogive" and "Meplat."
...if you make $30 per hour at work, but spend 30 minutes
     on your knees at the range looking for that last piece
     of .40 S&W brass.
...if you have Brownells on speed dial.
...if you trimmed down 100 10mm cases to form .357 Sig brass
     before commercial supplies of this brass were available.
...if the custom door lock pulls on your Jeep are .223 Rem
     cases and the gear shift knob is a .50 BMG.
...if your girl friend thinks that aura of Hoppes #9
     is your favorite after shave.
...if you have guns in your safe that you can't for the life of you
     remember how you came by.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 17 Nov 1998 17:59:51 -0600
From:    RANEBOUX <wett@GS.VERIO.NET>
Subject: Definition of SEX ( Adult)
 
The Definition of Sex
 
It's an INJECTION,
with AFFECTION,
to the meat SECTION,
from a PROJECTION,
without OBJECTION,
hopefully, no INFECTION...
 
 
http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/Delta/9989/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 17 Nov 1998 19:32:52 -0800
From:    Keith Sullivan <KSullivan@WORLDNET.ATT.NET>
Subject: Religious Experience
 
As a dental hygienist, I always encourage patients to floss.
During one cleaning, the dentist I work with asked my patient
if he was "flossing religiously."
 
"Well," the man hedged, "I floss more often than I go to church."
 
          -Debi Bradsher
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 18 Nov 1998 10:02:43 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMCLTD.COM>
Subject: Temples In America <clean, for the NRI>
 
The effect of Americanisation on our rituals to Lord Venkateswara:
   (To be implemented at the Pittsburg temple very soon.)
 
Before archana the priest will not ask for your Gothra anymore,
       Your permanent social security number will do.
 
2 types of prasad will be available - Normal Prasad, Diet Prasad.
 
Paal abhishekam will be of 4 types: Normal milk, 2% milk, Skimmed
milk and fat-free milk (The same for yogurt).
 
You don't tip the priest on the plate, when he gives the prasad.
You should swipe your visa card on his scanner.
 
You no more go around the temple from left to right.  This is
America and everything here is from right to left.
 
Due to fire hazard, no more aarati, only flashlights will be used.
 
To prevent noise pollution, all bakthas need to use head-phones to
listen the GONG of the bell during flashlight-thee.
 
Softcopies of lord vekateswara are on sale at $1 per image.
 
The priest will no longer read the mantra from books, he will use
his laptop instead.
 
The temple would re-cycle the flowers used everyday - to protect
the environment.
 
Sponsors of all poojas will be allowed to display a 1.5"x5" banner
on the temple web-site
 
The temple will sponsor this year's NBA matches to gain publicity.
 
Any questions on these could be directed to god@svtemple.com
 
               -From K.Karthik
 
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End of HUMOR Digest - 17 Nov 1998 to 18 Nov 1998
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