HUMOR Digest - 16 Nov 1998 to 17 Nov 1998
There are 13 messages totalling 615 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. UGA Humor List - A Look Back
  2. A Hot Date (adult)
  3. Hostages
  4. Holmes & Watson (contains offensive language)
  5. You Just Might Be a Gun Nut... Part I
  6. Black & White (adult)
  7. Mom_and_Son_
  8. I saw you - a poem <adult>
  9. Famous lasts
 10. The Mushroom Farmers (Pun)
 11. Top 22 signs you've had too much of the 90s (fwd)
 12. Murphy's Technology Laws <clean>
 13. Movie Titles
 
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Date:    Mon, 16 Nov 1998 03:09:03 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: UGA Humor List - A Look Back
 
Date:    Wed, 25 Jan 1995 12:20:53 -0500
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@MSUVX1.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Medical Humor
 
The medics rush Mr. Steinberg to the hospital in the middle
of the night, apparently with a massive heart attack.  The
doctors work on him all night and morning, finally discharge
him to ICU, where therapy continues.
 
In a couple of days Mr. Steinberg's physician comes into his
room and says, "Sol, I'm happy to tell you that you are
completely well.  You have the heart function that you did
when you were a fifteen-year-old lad.  We're going to send
you home tomorrow.  You don't have to worry about your heart;
do any physical exercise that you like."
 
Mr. Steinberg goes home and that evening is talking with his
wife: "Doris, you'll never believe it:  I'm completely well.
I have no worries with my heart.  Tonight, Darling, you and
I are going to make love like you've never had before, wild,
passionate sex... you'll love it!"
 
Doris thinks for a minute and says, "I don't know, Sol. I've
heard about active sex and heart conditions.  I don't want it
to be on my head if you croak while we are making love. Maybe,
just maybe, if your doctor wrote a note to me saying that
everything was OK... maybe I would have such sex with you..."
 
Mr. Steinberg was dejected, but the next day he was in his
doctor's office; his doctor tells him, "Sure, sure, Sol, no
problem, I'll write the note on my prescription pad:
   "Mr. Sol Steinberg, a patient of mine, has the heart
    function of a fifteen-year-old lad and can have mad,
    passionate, adventurous sex any time he so desires,
    signed, Dr. Aaron Katz
Now, I'll just address this... By the way, Sol, what's your
wife's first name?"
 
"Uh, Doctor, could you just make that To Whom It May Concern?"

                =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
 
 
Date:    Tue, 20 Jun 1995 07:28:41 +0600
From:    Randall Woodman <randallw@NS.EMASS.COM>
Subject: Lion Pun
 
Mother Lion and Father Lion had gone off hunting, and had told
their two children not to wander away.  However, a couple of
small gnus wandered by, and the baby lions could not resist the
temptation to try out their own hunting skills.  They ran out,
chased after the gnus, killed them, and started eating them.
 
Just as the baby lions were reaching the end of their meal, the
parents appeared in the distance.  One of the baby lions turned
to the other, and said: "That is the end of the gnus.  Here
again are the head lions."
 
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 16 Nov 1998 07:16:54 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: A Hot Date (adult)
 
A guy has been asking the prettiest girl in town for a date and
finally she agrees to go out with him. He takes her to a nice
restaurant, buys her a fancy dinner with expensive wine and on the
way home he pulls over to the side of the road in a secluded spot.
They start necking and he's getting pretty excited. He starts to
reach under her skirt and she stops him, saying she's a virgin and
wants to stay that way.
 
"Well, OK," he says, "how a bout a blow job?"
 
"EEEEyyyyyyeeeewwwwwww!" she screams. "I'm not putting that
thing in my mouth!"
 
He says, "Well then, how about a hand job?"
 
"I've never done that," she says.  "What do I have to do?"
 
"Well," he answers, "remember when you were a kid and you used to
shake up a Coke bottle and spray your brother with it?" She nods.
"Well, it's just like that." So he pulls it out and she grabs hold
of it and starts shaking it. A few seconds later, his head flops
back on the headrest, his eyes close, snot starts to run out of his
nose, wax blows out of his ears and he screams out in pain.
 
"What's wrong?!" she cries out.
 
"TAKE YOUR THUMB OFF OF THE END!!!!!!"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 16 Nov 1998 08:43:30 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Hostages
 
A group of Arab Terrorists burst into the conference room at the
Ramada Hotel where the American Bar Association was holding its
Annual Convention. More than a hundred lawyers were taken as
hostages. The terrorist leader announced that, unless their
demands were met, they would release one lawyer every hour.
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 16 Nov 1998 08:52:03 -0500
From:    Gwen Eckman <geckman@POLARIS.UMUC.EDU>
Subject: Holmes & Watson (contains offensive language)
 
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good
meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night and went to
sleep.  Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful
friend.
 
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
 
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
 
"What does that tell you?"
 
Watson pondered for a minute.  "Astronomically, it tells me that
there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.  Horologically, I
deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are
small and insignificant.  Meteorologically, I supect that we will
have a beautiful day tomorrow.  What does it tell you?"
 
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke.  "Watson, you dickhead.
Some bastard has stolen our tent."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 16 Nov 1998 08:53:05 -0500
From:    Paul Benoit <Paul_Benoit@SPEEDLINE.COOKSON.COM>
Subject: You Just Might Be a Gun Nut... Part I
 
...if you ever seriously thought about dabbing a little
     Hoppe's #9 on your neck before going out on a date.
...if you buy some checkering tools, checker all your
     gun stocks, and then start on the bedposts.
...if you cannot recall how many firearms you own.
...if you buy a gun that's just like that other gun you have
     except the barrel is 1/2" shorter (or longer).
...if you buy a gun at a shop only to find out you
     used to own it a couple of years ago.
...if you know 12 different names for one caliber of cartridge.
...if you ever clean a gun that hasn't been shot in the week
     since you cleaned it last.
...if you consider naming your unborn child Winchester
     or Remington.
...if you purchased two Glocks and two Sigs just to see
     which brand was better.
...if your drive to work is filled with reverie about why
     Ed's Red actually works.
...if you strip all the paint off our car and refinish it with
     cold blue.
...if you ever bought ammo in a caliber for which you have
     no gun, because you thought some day you MIGHT get
     a gun in that caliber.
...if your collection of American Rifleman back issues,
     Gun Digests and reloading manuals cost you a premium
     the last time you moved.
...if you have more than one gun that "kills on both ends."
...if you buy high capacity magazines for a gun
     you have not bought yet.
...if you take your guns out of the safe each night and handle
     them, just so you can wipe them off before putting them away.
...if your mother-in-law asks what new gun junk you want
     for Christmas this year.
...if you see TV footage of the war in Bosnia
     and wish you were there to pick up the brass.
...if you drive 300 miles just to ogle (and fire) HK-MP5s (and
     Stens, Uzis, BMGs and whatever else shows up at Knob Creek).
...if you keep a loaded gun hidden in every room in the house,
     including the bathroom and kitchen, "just in case," and then
     keep one on you at all times just in case someone breaks in
     while you're in the hallway.
...if you consider it unpatriotic not to own
     at least one .45 and one .22.
...if you named your pocket pistol "Little Guy"
     and your 12 gauge "Big Jake."
...if you own reloading dies for calibers that you do not shoot.
...if you tape American Shooter so you can pause, reverse
     and fast forward to do a complete analysis of the show.
...if you understand Smith & Wesson's model numbers.
...if you ever bought two brands of the same weight and type
     of bullet, just to see if one "shot better."
...if you keep a collection of different cartridges at your
     place of work as a "conversation piece."
...if you take your wife on vacation to a gun show for your
     10th Anniversary and she is as excited to go as you are.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 16 Nov 1998 08:42:55 -0600
From:    RANEBOUX <wett@GS.VERIO.NET>
Subject: Black & White (adult)
 
A white and a black man were sent to hell for sinful lives. When
they got there, they stood in front of the devil and awaited
punishment. The white man came forward first. The devil told him to
drop his pants and he did. Then the devil grabbed hold of his
penis and it slowly and painfully melted away.
 
With the white man laying on the ground in pain the black man
stepped forward. The devil told him to drop his pants and with a
smirk on his face he did. Then the devil grabbed hold of his penis
and nothing happened. The bewildered devil asked the man what was
so funny and the black man replied, "Chocolate melts in your mouth
not in your hands."
 

------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 16 Nov 1998 17:40:20 +0100
From:    "Jagannatha Rao Jagannatha (K5/ESP)"
         <Jagannatha.Rao@DE.BOSCH.COM>
Subject: Mom_and_Son_
 
(As told by a colleague of mine. The original version of this is in
 Hindi, but I have translated it to English.  I don't exactly know
 the age when children can start speaking fluently)
                    --------------------------
 
A mother and her 4 or 5 year old son were taking bath. The
conversation is as follows:

Son: (Pointing at his privates) "What is this mom?"
Mom: "This is called a car, dear"
Son: (Waits for a while, points at his mom's c***) "What is that
      mom?"
Mom: "This is called a garage"
Son: "Ok, then may I park my car in your garage"
Mom: "No, dear. Dad's going to park his Truck here in the night"
 
          -Acknowledgements: Thanks Gupta
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 16 Nov 1998 18:06:55 GMT
From:    Catweasel <catweasel@CATWEASEL.ORG>
Subject: I saw you - a poem <adult>
 
I saw you across a crowded room.
Among all the others that were there,
The lights seemed to shine down on you alone.
I knew then I had to have you for my own.
 
Willingly, you came with me to my home.
From the car, I carried you & threw the door.
 
Looking at u, I admire your body,
your well shaped legs, and breasts.
Slowly I remove what wraps,
around your body so tightly,
fitting you like a glove.
Exposing your tender white skin.
 
From your neck I remove your charms,
and carry you off in my arms,
to the warm water that awaits.
 
The water cascades down your neck,
flowing over your soft breasts then,
making your legs glisten with wetness.
Droplets of water cover your taut skin.
 
My hands rub your body, ummmm
running them threw the beads of water.
Making them trickle down off your body.
 
I place my fingers inside you.
You are warm and moist, so ready.
I carry your still dripping body,
to a laying place, so that I can
put inside you what was well
prepared to enter you before
we even came through the door.
 
As soon as I lay you down
your legs spread open wide.
You are ready now and so am I.
 
I put a little in slowly at first,
getting a feel for how much you can take in.
 
I put in more, you take it willingly.
In anticipation, faster and faster
I put it in, pushing it in deeply
as far as I can, until I can't
put any more in, you are so tight.
With your legs wrapped tightly,
not wanting to release any of it,
 
I make you so hot for a very long time,
until your sweet juices escape from within.
Then I taste you, with my tongue at first,
your skin is so soft and tender.
 
I taste more of you with my mouth,
you are so hot and moist, you taste so good.
 
Your juices coating my mouth,
making me drool in anticipation
of eating you more, with every taste.
 
"Oh yes", I say to you,
 
"I must say Grace"
 
"Thank God for Butterball turkey... Amen"
 
 
http://www.catweasel.org
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 16 Nov 1998 14:34:08 -0500
From:    Lee_Bradley <lbradley@VALDOSTA.EDU>
Subject: Famous lasts
  
Ha!  They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist...
 
Don't unplug it, it will just take a moment to fix.
 
Let's take the shortcut, he can't see us from there.
 
What happens if you touch these two wires tog--
 
We won't need reservations.
 
It's always sunny there this time of the year.
 
Don't worry, it's not loaded.
 
They'd never (be stupid enough to) make him a manager.
 
You can make it easy... that train isn't coming fast.
 
Gimmee a match.  I think my gas tank is empty.
 
Wife, these biscuits are tough.
 
Let's see if it's loaded.
 
Step on her, boy, we're only going 75.
 
Just watch me dive from this bridge.
 
If you knew anything, you wouldn't be a traffic cop.
 
Lemme have that bottle; I ain't afraid to try it.
 
What?  Your mother is going to stay another month?
 
"C'mon ya wimps, one more beer, it's open ocean out there,
 what're we gonna hit?"  --Captain Hazelwood, Exxon Valdez
 
"Don't worry about the Rover.  That's no cliff."  --NASA techie
 
"And now that I'm running my life support equipment through
 Windows 95, I'll never have to worry about --  beeeeeeeep..."
 
"How's he gonna read that magazine rolled up like that?"  --insect
 
"No, dude, this stuff is completely natural and safe, man.
 
That's why it's called 'herbal.'"
 
                    -Thanks to Dr. Bob Terry.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 16 Nov 1998 18:19:43 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: The Mushroom Farmers (Pun)
 
When their mine became defunct, Jake and Abe decided to grow
mushrooms in its cool, dark tunnels. Business prospered but Jake
wanted all the profits, so he decided to kill Abe by planting some
poisonous varieties in his partner's section
 
When Abe found out, he had Jake arrested. Although the charge of
attempted murder was dismissed for lack of evidence, the court did
find Jake... guilty of corrupting the morels of a miner.
 
          -By Phoebe Weiss
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 16 Nov 1998 19:59:41 -0700
From:    Sue Birkenseer <Sue@CIRCUSPREPRESS.COM>
Subject: Top 22 signs you've had too much of the 90s (fwd)
  
22. Cleaning up the dining area means getting the fast food bags
    out of the back seat of your car.
21. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they
    do not have e-mail addresses.
20. Keeping up with sports entails adding ESPN's homepage to your
    bookmarks.
19. You have a "to do list" that includes entries for lunch and
    bathroom breaks and they are usually the ones that never get
    crossed off.
18. You have actually faxed your Christmas list to your parents.
17. Pick up lines now include a reference to liquid assets and
    capital gains.
16. You consider 2nd day air delivery painfully slow.
15. You assume the question to valet park or not is rhetorical.
14. You refer to your dining room table as the flat filing cabinet.
13. Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes.
12. Your grocery list has been on your refrigerator so long some of
    the products don't even exist any more.
11. You lecture the neighborhood kids selling lemonade on ways to
    improve their profits.
10. You get all excited when it's Saturday and you can wear sweats
    to work.
 9. You refer to the tomatoes grown in your garden as deliverables.
 8. You find you really need PowerPoint to explain what you do for
    a living.
 7. You normally eat out of vending machines and at the most
    expensive restaurant in town within the same week.
 6. You think that "progressing an action plan" and "calendarizing
    a project" are acceptable English phrases.
 5. You know the people at the airport hotels better than you know
    your next door neighbors.
 4. You ask your friends to "think out of the box" when making
    Friday night plans.
 3. You think Einstein would have been more effective had he put
    his ideas into a matrix.
 2. You think a "half-day" means leaving at 5 o'clock.
 
        And the number 1 sign you've had too much of the 90's:
 
 1. You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person.
 
               -Forwarded from a friend
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 17 Nov 1998 09:46:47 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMCLTD.COM>
Subject: Murphy's Technology Laws <clean>
 
 1: You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the
    track
 2: Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion
    with confidence.
 3: Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not
    understand.
 4: If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs,
    then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy
    civilization.
 5: An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less
    until he/she knows absolutely everything about nothing.
 6: Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe, and
    he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it,
    and he'll have to touch to be sure.
 7: All great discoveries are made by mistake.
 8: Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.
 9: All's well that ends.
10: A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the
    hours are lost.
11: The first myth of management is that it exists.
12: A failure will not appear until a unit has passed final
    inspection.
13: New systems generate new problems.
14: To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a
    computer.
15: We don't know one millionth of one percent about anything.
16: Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
17: A computer makes as many mistakes in two seconds as 20 men
    working 20 years make.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 16 Nov 1998 20:59:39 -0800
From:    Steven & Susan <sgarrett@NWRAIN.COM>
Subject: Movie Titles
 
Lost, and Gained, in the Translation
 
One of the reasons that movie studios make so many action pictures
is that they do well overseas. There are no translation problems
when Bruce Willis is firing an Uzi or fleeing a fireball.
 
Comedies and dramas are a different story. Comedy, in particular,
frequently hangs on the thinnest of cultural threads. But when a
comic film takes off, the distributors will do everything possible
to push it overseas.
 
Take, for instance, "There's Something About Mary," one of the
biggest and silliest movies of the year, starring Cameron Diaz.
To foreign audiences, the title was mystifying. So 20th Century
Fox renamed the movie country by country. In Poland, blonde jokes
are popular, so the title became, "For the Love of a Blonde." In
France, it was, "Mary at All Costs." Scott Neeson, the executive
in charge of foreign distribution at Fox, said Asians prefer
literal titles. So in Thailand it became, "My True Love Will
Stand All Outrageous Events." In Hong Kong it was called, "Enjoy
Yourself in the Game of Love."
 
That's poetic by the standards of Hong Kong, where the demand
for literal descriptions has produced some jarring results.
The Cantonese title for "Leaving Las Vegas" translates to "I'm
Drunk and You're a Prostitute." "Field of Dreams" was "Imaginary
Dead Baseball Players Live in My Cornfield." For truth in
advertising, you could not beat the title for "The Crying Game" --
"Oh No! My Girlfriend Has a Penis!"
 
Occasionally, the Chinese seem to find unintended meanings in
American movies. "Interview With the Vampire," for instance,
became, "So, You Are a Lawyer."
 
But there's no arguing with the Chinese take on "Babe": "The
Happy Dumpling-To-Be Who Talks and Solves Agricultural Problems."
Or "My Best Friend's Wedding": "Help! My Pretend Boyfriend Is Gay."
Or "George of the Jungle": "Big Dumb Monkey Man Keeps Whacking Tree
With Genitals." Or even "Batman and Robin": "Come to My Cave and
Wear this Rubber Codpiece, Cute Boy."
 
But still, there is that poetic side, as with the Pamela Anderson
Lee vehicle called "Barb Wire." The Chinese saw it as "Delicate
Orbs of Womanhood Bigger Than Your Head Can Hurt You."
 
          - James Sterngold
            New York Times, Sunday, Nov. 15.
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 16 Nov 1998 to 17 Nov 1998
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