HUMOR Digest - 15 Nov 1998 to 16 Nov 1998
There are 7 messages totalling 422 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Golf
  2. KIDS' INSTRUCTIONS ON LIFE......
  3. Something To Make You Feel Old And Worried
  4. The Historian (Pun)
  5. WHY THE CHICKEN CROSSED THE ROAD
  6. Top 10 IRS Secrets (may be offensive to IRS)
  7. Heights Of E-mail <clean>
 
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Date:    Sun, 15 Nov 1998 03:55:44 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Golf
 
* So many people take their golf so seriously.  A neighbor of mine,
  Babette, is a classic example.  I asked her once what her score
  was and she said, "I'd rather tell you my age and weight."
                           - - - - -
 
* With all the advances that have been made in the making of golf
  clubs, I find they've helped my game too.  Now I can hit the
  ball into the woods further than ever.
                           - - - - -
 
*   A friend of mine, Dan, who is a true golf fanatic, is always
  criticizing my game.  I told him once, "Dan, surely there are
  worse golfers than me."
    He replied, "Yep !  But none of them have enuff nerve to play."
                           - - - - -
 
*   I saw my former boss not long ago -- guy loved to play golf.
  I asked if his game had improved since he retired.
   "No Jim, it hasn't." he replied. "In fact, if anything, it's
  gotten worse.  Now, so many guys from the State Highway who
  worked for me beat me all the time."
                           - - - - -
 
*   Two men, trying to start the fourth hole, are becoming more
  & more impatient with two women who walk into the woods, then
  emerge & trudge around the high grass for fifteen minutes.
    Finally one of the men yelled, "For God's sake, just use
  another ball."
    One of the women said, "We have the ball, we're looking for
  the club now."
                           - - - - -
 
*   The Royal Oak Golf Club is the most exclusive in Columbia
  Maryland.  There are no minority members, nor anyone whose
  money doesn't go back many generations.
    One day a fellow from Boston tried to get into a game.
  "I'll have you know my family came over before the Mayflower.
  I can trace my ancestry back to William the Conqueror and no
  one in my family has ever lifted a finger to work."
    The club secretary frowned, and said, "OK, but just this
  one time -- and only for nine holes."
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 15 Nov 1998 08:22:21 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: KIDS' INSTRUCTIONS ON LIFE......
 
Never trust a dog to watch your food.
     -Patrick, Age 10
 
When you want something expensive, ask your grandparents.
     -Matthew, Age 12
 
Never smart off to a teacher whose eyes and ears are twitching.
     -Andrew, Age 9
 
Wear a hat when feeding seagulls.
     -Rocky, Age 9
 
Sleep in your clothes so you'll be dressed in the morning.
     -Stephanie, Age 8
 
Never try to hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
     -Rosemary, Age 7
 
Don't flush the toilet when you dad's in the shower.
     -Lamar, Age 10
 
Never ask for anything that costs more than five dollars
when your parents are doing taxes.
     -Carrol, Age 9
 
Never bug a pregnant mom.
     -Nicholas, Age 11
 
Don't ever be too full for dessert.
     -Kelly, Age 10
 
When your dad is mad and asks you,
"Do I look stupid?" don't answer him.
     -Heather, Age 16
 
Never tell your mom her diet's not working.
     -Michael, Age 14
 
Don't pick on your sister when she's
holding a baseball bat.
     -Joel, Age 12
 
When you get a bad grade in school,
show it to your mom when she's on the phone.
     -Alyesha, Age 13
 
Never try to baptize a cat.
     -Laura, Age 13
 
Never spit when on a roller coaster.
     -Scott, Age 11
 
Never do pranks at a police station.
     -Sam, Age 10
 
Beware of cafeteria food
when it looks like it's moving.
     -Rob, Age 10
 
Never tell your little brother that
you're not going to do what your mom told you to do.
     -Hank, Age 12
 
Remember you're never too old
to hold your father's hand.
     -Molly, Age 11
 
Listen to your brain.
It has lots of information.
     -Chelsey, Age 7
 
Stay away from prunes.
     -Randy, Age 9
 
Never dare your little brother
to paint the family car.
     -Phillip, Age 13
 
Forget the cake, go for the icing.
     -Cynthia, Age 8
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 15 Nov 1998 10:48:35 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Something To Make You Feel Old And Worried
 
What College Freshmen Of 1998 Know: A Perspective For Older Folks
Interesting facts:
 
The people who are starting college this fall across the nation
were born in 1980. They have no meaningful recollection of the
Reagan era and did not know he had ever been shot. They were
prepubescent when the Persian Gulf War was waged. Black Monday
1987 is as significant to them as the Great Depression. There has
only been one Pope.
 
They can only really remember one president. They were 11 when the
Soviet Union broke apart and do not remember the Cold War. They
have never feared a nuclear war. "The Day After" is a pill to them,
not a movie.  CCCP is just a bunch of letters. They have only known
one Germany. They are too young to remember the Space shuttle
blowing up and Tienamin Square means nothing to them. They do not
know who Moamar Qadafi is.
 
Their lifetime has always included AIDS. They never had a Polio
shot and likely do not know what it is. Bottle caps have not only
always been screw off but have always been plastic. They have no
idea what a pull top can looks like. Atari pre-dates them, as do
vinyl albums. The expression "you sound like a broken record" means
nothing to them. They have never owned a record Player. They have
likely never played Pac Man and have never heard of Pong. Star Wars
looks very fake, and the special effects are pathetic. There have
always been red M&M's and blue ones are not new. What do you mean
there used to be beige ones?
 
They may have heard of an 8-track but chances are they probably
have never actually seen or heard one. The Compact Disc was
introduced when they were 1 year old. As far as they know, stamps
have always cost about 32 cents.
 
Zip codes have always had a dash in them. They have always had an
answering machine. Most have never seen a TV set with only 13
channels, nor have they seen a black and white TV. They have always
had cable. There have always been VCR's, but they have no idea what
Beta is. They cannot fathom not having a remote control. They were
born the year that Walkman were introduced by Sony. Roller-skating
has always meant inline for them. They have never heard of King
Cola, Burger Chef, The Globe Democrat, Pan AM or Ozark Airlines.
The Tonight Show has always been hosted by Jay Leno. They have no
idea when or why Jordache jeans were cool. Popcorn has always been
cooked in a microwave.
 
They have never seen and remember a game that included the St.
Louis Football Cardinals, the Baltimore Colts, the Minnesota North
Stars, the Kansas City Kings, the New Orleans Jazz, the Minnesota
Lakers, the Atlanta Flames, or the Denver Rockies (NHL hockey, that
is). They do not consider the Colorado Rockies, the Florida
Marlins, the Florida Panthers, the Ottawa Senators, the San Jose
Sharks or the Tampa Bay Lightning "expansion teams."
 
They have never seen Larry Bird play, and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar is a
football player. They never took a swim and thought about Jaws. The
Vietnam War is as ancient history to them as WWI, WWII or even the
Civil War. They have no idea that Americans were ever held hostage
in Iran. They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are. They
don't know who Mork was or where he was from. They never heard the
terms "Where's the beef?", "I'd Walk a mile for Camel", or "de
plane, de  plane!". They do not care who shot J.R. and have no idea
who J.R. is. The Cosby Show, The Facts of Life, Silver Spoons, The
Love Boat, Miami Vice, WKRP in Cincinnati and Taxi are shows they
have likely never seen.
 
The Titanic was found? I didn't know it was lost. Michael Jackson
has always been white. They cannot remember the Cardinals ever
winning a World Series or even being in one. Kansas, Chicago,
Boston, America and Alabama are places, not groups. McDonalds never
came in Styrofoam containers.
 
Do you feel old now? Remember, the people who don't know these
things will be in college this year.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 15 Nov 1998 13:43:49 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: The Historian (Pun)
 
An American historian has taken issue with recently published
biographies of Confederate General Thomas Jonathan Jackson and the
famous American political figure, Aaron Burr.
 
One writer claimed that at one time Jackson had ground light-
refracting optical devices. The other stated that in his youth,
Burr had made wire enclosures for birds.
 
Not so, cried the critic... "Stonewalls do not a prism make, nor
Aaron Burrs a cage!
 
          -By Dave Shallenberger
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 15 Nov 1998 18:30:50 -0600
From:    RANEBOUX <wett@GS.VERIO.NET>
Subject: WHY THE CHICKEN CROSSED THE ROAD
 
Pat Buchanan:
To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.
                    ------------
 
Louis Farrakhan:
The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken
crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.
                    ------------
 
The Bible:
And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken,
"Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and
there was much rejoicing.
                    ------------
 
Captain James T. Kirk:
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
                    ------------
 
Fox Mulder:
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more
chickens have to cross before you believe it?
                    ------------
 
Colonel Sanders:
I missed one?
                    ------------
 
L.A. Police Department:
Give us five minutes with the chicken and we'll find out.
                    ------------
 
Richard M. Nixon:
The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not
cross the road. I don't know any chickens. I have never known any
chickens.
                    ------------
 
Dr. Seuss:
Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes! The chicken crossed the road,
but why it crossed, I've not been told!
                    ------------
 
Ernest Hemingway:
To die. In the rain.
                    ------------
 
Martin Luther King, Jr.:
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads
without having their motives called into question.
                    ------------
 
Grandpa:
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone
told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough
for us.
                    ------------
 
Aristotle:
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
                    ------------
 
Karl Marx:
It was an historical inevitability.
                    ------------
 
Saddam Hussein:
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified
in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
                    ------------
 
Ronald Reagan:
What chicken?
                    ------------
 
Machiavelli:
The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why?
The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.
                    ------------
 
Freud:
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the
road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
                    ------------
 
Bill Gates:
I have just released Chicken Coop 98, which will not only cross
roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and
balance your check book -- and Explorer is an inextricable part of
the operating system.
                    ------------
 
Einstein:
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath
the chicken?
  
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 15 Nov 1998 19:33:48 -0500
From:    "Dan J. Hicks" <sfmwqi@SCFN.THPL.LIB.FL.US>
Subject: Top 10 IRS Secrets (may be offensive to IRS)
  
	TOP 10 SECRETS THE IRS DOES NOT WANT YOU TO KNOW
	by Dan J. Hicks
 
10. The IRS's new celebrity spokesperson -- who also wrote it's
    snappy new theme song -- is Willie Nelson.
 
 9. Special new tax form for whiners called the Squeaky Wheel
    Return-IRS Form 10-W-40.
 
 8. All of _your_ tax money is earmarked for a special fund that
    will be used to blast the likeness of IRS Commissioner Charles
    Rossotti into Mount Rushmore.
 
 7. You can pay your taxes by fax-and save money in the process-by
    faxing the same $20 bill over and over again to the IRS.
 
 6. Experts are worried that the "Year 2000 Bug" will badly impact
    the IRS's computers, causing huge errors in the IRS's numbering
    system.  We think the experts worry to much.  We have yet to
    encounter a faulty numbering system.
 
 6. Next year, refund checks will be delivered, tied around the
    neck of a rabid Rottweiler.
 
 5. You don't have to pay taxes at all.  It is strictly voluntary.
    My new seminar tells you all about it.  Special bonus: With
    your seminar tuition you get a coupon good for a free New York
    area bridge!
 
 4. IRS's official web site is located at:
    www.bloodsuckingleeches.com.
 
 3. If you watch confrontational talk shows more than four times a
    week, you are entitled to claim Jerry Springer as a dependent.
 
 2. Because of the recent buy-out, the Internal Revenue Service is
    now a division of Microsoft.
 
  ... and the number one secret that IRS does not want you to know-
 
 1.  People who spend their time writing frivolous Top 10 Lists
     about the IRS will be audited back to the Bronze Age!
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 16 Nov 1998 09:39:19 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMCLTD.COM>
Subject: Heights Of E-mail <clean>
 
HEIGHT OF REPETITON:
You forwarding a mail to someone and recieving the same mail
forwarded from him to you.
 
HEIGHT OF ISOLATION:
Two persons sitting side by side using mails to communicate with
each other.
 
HEIGHT OF COWARDNESS:
Two persons fighting through mails.
 
HEIGHT OF HELPLESSNESS:
You recieving no mails for a week.
 
HEIGHT OF IDLENESS:
A person using mailtool all the time.
 
HEIGHT OF FRUSTATION:
The mail server being down.
 
HEIGHT OF CARELESSNESS:
Writing an intimate mail and doing a reply all.
 
HEIGHT OF ACHIEVEMENT:
A person sending the mail to a girl wanting to become friends and
getting a reply.
 
HEIGHT OF HEIGHTS:
A person sending a mail to himself.
 
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End of HUMOR Digest - 15 Nov 1998 to 16 Nov 1998
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