HUMOR Digest - 14 Nov 1998 to 15 Nov 1998
There are 9 messages totalling 385 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Chicken (innuendo)
  2. Crime in the US
  3. Bugged?
  4. The Loan (mature)
  5. Fun with Tech Support
  6. PUNY Riddles 9
  7. EXECUTed
  8. The Perfect Man/Woman
  9. Wisdom of the Ages (mature)
 
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Date:    Fri, 13 Nov 1998 16:32:27 +0100
From:    "Jagannatha Rao Jagannatha (K5/ESP)"
         <Jagannatha.Rao@DE.BOSCH.COM>
Subject: Chicken (innuendo)
 
There was a father who was very close to his son. They used to go
everywhere together including calling "chicken". One day, the son
decided to go overseas for study.
 
The father was very supportive. Before his son left, the father
told the son, " We cannot call chicken" together for the  next few
years. However, if you need to call chicken, please go ahead and I
will pay for it. But please state the expense as 'Shooting Bird' so
that your mom will not suspect."
 
So the son left. For the first month, the father received the bill
from the son (shooting bird - $1000). Subsequently for the next few
months, the  bill for shooting bird is above $1000. The father
could not tolerate any  more, so he wrote to his son.
 
"Son, you have been shooting too expensive bird, try some cheaper
one"
 
A month later, the father received another bill from his son. It
wrote:
 
"Shooting Bird - $50, Rifle Repair  - $2,000"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 14 Nov 1998 03:16:07 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Crime in the US
 
* One fellow sent to prison wasn't worried at all about serving
  his full term.  When asked why, he said his wife had never
  let him finish a sentence the whole time they've been married.
                        - - - - -
 
* In some US cities crime has odd effects.  Take Washington DC
  for example -- there, cabs are so expensive, it's cheaper to
  get mugged and wait for the ambulance.
                        - - - - -
 
* With additional cars & better scheduling, New York has at last
  managed to improve their subway system, making it less crowded.
  Now, most people can have a pervert all to themselves.
                        - - - - -
 
* In San Francisco's Chinatown, a man was stabbed 11 times when
  he didn't have any money to give a mugger.  Not only did the
  victim recover completely, but his bad back went away.
                        - - - - -
 
* While there still may not be anything as "the perfect crime",
  seems to me we're coming close these days when the criminals
  can sell their rights to the story for a couple of million.
                        - - - - -
 
* A bank clerk in Columbia Maryland had been held-up four times.
  When the police asked her for a better description, she said,
  "Well... I can say this, he was better dressed each time."
                        - - - - -
 
* One of Clinton's goals was to improve the prison system in
  the US.  Even I have to admit he's pretty much accomplished
  that.  I mean, look at all of his associates who've been
  sent to prison -- definitely a better class of crook.
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Indexed UGA Humor Digests 1997-1998:
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 14 Nov 1998 08:41:02 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Bugged?
 
A honeymoon couple is in the Watergate Hotel in Washington. The
bride is concerned "What if the place is still bugged?" The groom
says "I'll look for a bug". He looks behind the drapes, behind the
pictures, under the rug "AHA!" Under the rug was a disc with four
screws. He gets his Swiss army knife, unscrews the screws, throws
them and the disc out the window.
 
The next morning, the hotel manager asks the newlyweds "How was
your room?", "How was the service?", "How was your stay at the
Watergate Hotel?"
 
The groom says, "Why are you asking me all of these questions?"
 
The hotel manager says "Well, the room under you complained of the
chandelier falling on them!"
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 14 Nov 1998 09:36:17 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: The Loan (mature)
 
The new hooker had just finished her first trick. When she came
back down to the street, the seasoned veterans all gathered around
to hear the  details. She said, "Well, he was a big, muscular and
handsome marine."
 
"Well, what did he want to do?" they all asked.
 
She said, "I told him that a straight lay was $100, but he said he
didn't have that much. So I told him a blow job would be $75, but
he didn't have that much either.  Finally I said, ''Well, how much
do you have?' The marine said he only had $25. So I told him, 'For
$25 all I can give you is a hand job.' He agreed, and after getting
the finances straight, he pulled it out. I put one hand on it.
Then, I put the other hand above that one.'" She paused, raised her
eyebrows, and then continued, "Then I put the first hand above the
second hand..."
 
"Oh my gosh!" they all exclaimed, "It must have been huge! Then
what did you do?"
 
"Er... I loaned him $75..."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 14 Nov 1998 09:50:41 -0500
From:    Gwen Eckman <geckman@POLARIS.UMUC.EDU>
Subject: Fun with Tech Support
 
A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
The tech asked her if she was "running it under Windows."
 
The woman then responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But
that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is
under a window, and his is working fine."
                         +++++++++
 
Tech Support: "How much free space do you have on your hard drive?"
 
Customer: "Well, my wife likes to get up there on that Internet,
and she downloaded ten hours of free space.  Is that enough?"
                         +++++++++
 
Overheard in a computer shop:
 
   Customer: "I'd like a mouse mat, please."
Salesperson: "Certainly sir, we've got a large variety."
   Customer: "But will they be compatible with my computer?"
                         +++++++++
 
Customer: "Can you copy the Internet for me on this diskette?"
                         +++++++++
 
    Customer: "So that'll get me connected to the Internet, right?"
Tech Support: "Yeah."
    Customer: "And that's the latest version of the Internet,
               right?"
Tech Support: "Uhh...uh...uh...yeah."
                         +++++++++
 
    Customer: "My computer crashed!"
Tech Support: "It crashed?"
    Customer: "Yeah, it won't let me play my game."
Tech Support: "Alright, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot."
    Customer: "No, it didn't crash -- it crashed."
Tech Support: "Huh?"
    Customer: "I crashed my game. That's what I said before. Now it
               doesn't work."  Turned out, the user was playing
               Lunar Lander and crashed his spaceship.
Tech Support: "Click on 'File,'  then 'New Game.'"
    Customer: [pause] "Wow! How'd you learn how to do that?"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 14 Nov 1998 09:06:34 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: PUNY Riddles 9
 
51. Who was the Roman emperor who was continually ordering women
    taken as prisoners?
 
52. What is the demographic term for booze-swilling Nazis born in
    1917 who have only 4 toes on each foot?
 
53. What sin should you think of when you look out the window and
    see only a leafless oak?
 
54. What do you call people who tell jokes about the physics of
    fluid displacement?
 
55. How is an aircraft carrier similar to a bowling alley after a
    flood?
 
56. What Actor used to work as a train attendant whose specialty
    was opening stuck door locks?
 
 
                    - - - - - - - - - - - -
                            Answers
 
 
51. Julius, Seize her (by Cyn MacG)
 
52. Oct-toed gin arian  (By Gary Hallock)
 
53. A dull tree (By Stan Kegel)
 
54. Archemedians (By Gary Hallock)
 
55. Both have warp lanes (war planes) (By Gary Hallock)
 
56. Jimmy Steward (By David Bunch)
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 14 Nov 1998 15:18:57 -0600
From:    RANEBOUX <wett@GS.VERIO.NET>
Subject: EXECUTed
 
These three guys go down to some Latin American country one night
and get drunk and wake up in jail. They found out that they are to
be executed for their crimes but none of them can remember what
they've done.
 
The first one is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if he
has any last words. He says, "I am from the Baylor school of
divinity and I believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on
behalf of the innocent." They throw the switch and nothing happens,
so they figure God must not want this guy to die, so we better let
him go.
 
The second one is strapped in and gives his last words. "I am from
the University of Texas School of Law and I believe in the eternal
power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent." They
throw the switch and again nothing happens. They figure that the
law is on this guy's side, so they better let him go too.
 
The last one is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm a Fightin' Texas
Aggie Electrical Engineer, and I'll tell you right now you'll never
electrocute anybody if you don't connect those two wires."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 14 Nov 1998 19:48:02 -0500
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@LATTE.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: The Perfect Man/Woman
 
Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a
perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together
was, of course, perfect.
 
One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving
their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they
noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the
perfect couple, they stopped to help.
 
There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to
disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple
loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were
driving along delivering the toys.
 
Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect
couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived
the accident.
 
Who was the survivor?
 
 
The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed
in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and
there is no such thing as a perfect man.
 
****** Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke ****

  
                  ****** Men keep reading ****
 
 
So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect
woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car
accident.
 
By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this
illustrates another point: "women never listen either."
 
------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 15 Nov 1998 00:01:43 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Wisdom of the Ages (mature)
 
                         Age and Womanhood
 
1. Between the ages of 13 and 18, she is like Africa, virgin and
   unexplored.
 
2. Between the ages of 19 and 35, she is like Asia, hot and exotic.
 
3. Between the ages of 36 and 45, she is like America, fully
   explored, breathtakingly beautiful, and free with her resources.
 
4. Between the ages of 46 and 56, she is like Europe, exhausted but
   still has points of interest.
 
5. After 56 she is like Australia, everybody knows it's down there
   but who gives a damn?
 
 
                         Age and Manhood
 
1. Between 16 and 26: Tri-weekly
 
2. Between 27 and 46: Try weekly
 
3. Over 47: Try weakly
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 14 Nov 1998 to 15 Nov 1998
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