HUMOR Digest - 13 Nov 1998 to 14 Nov 1998
There are 10 messages totalling 506 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. One more on Gates
  2. Household Finances
  3. Air India <Adult language, offensive to Indians,Hindus>
  4. Tombstone Epitaphs
  5. Two Rules To Success In Life
  6. WORLD's fasTEST PC News
  7. Happy Friday the 13th!
  8. Nixon's Disease <adult>
  9. Dr. Seuss on Monica/Zippergate
 10. Maria in America (Shaggy Dog)
 
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Date:    Fri, 13 Nov 1998 09:49:04 +0100
From:    "Jagannatha Rao Jagannatha (K5/ESP)"
         <Jagannatha.Rao@DE.BOSCH.COM>
Subject: One more on Gates
 
Q: How does Gates change the light bulb?
 
A: He doesn't change it, in fact he declares Darkness as the
   standard.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 13 Nov 1998 04:56:04 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Household Finances
 
Admin Note:
A Humor List rule has always been no discussion on the mailings.
This is as it should be.  People who subscribe to a joke list
expect jokes, not banter.  But as an alternate, a Message Board
is now available to ALL members (and guests) who wish to comment
on previously posted jokes or those who enjoy a forum format:
           www.InsideTheWeb.com/mbs.cgi/mb212137
 
It is NOT intended as a site to leave messages or questions for
the ListOwners, nor is it an alternate site to post jokes, but a
place for messages intended for the entire membership's viewing.
                    =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
 
 
* Seems to me a "budget" is a way of spending all of your money
  without getting any fun out of it at all.
                        - - - - -
 
* Overheard in the Mall: "But why can't we just pay our Master
  Card bill with our Visa Card."
                        - - - - -
 
* Worried why her suitor hadn't even hinted at marriage, the girl
  finally asked him.  He replied, "Sorry, there's no way I can
  support a wife, family and the Government on my income."
                        - - - - -
 
* Any woman in the world will tell ya that one redeeming quality
  of an ideal husband is one who will insist that a wife buy
  something for herself against her will.
                        - - - - -
 
* Our bank provides a sheet to balance our checkbook each month.
  Mrs JimJr always seems to come out perfect.  I stole a peek at
  the last one, curious as to what her system was, & noticed one
  strange entry -- it said "ESP - $ 57.12".  I asked her what in
  the world "ESP" was -- she said, "Error Some Place".
                        - - - - -
 
*   When we moved into the home where we are now, both kids were
  still living with us.  Mrs JimJr spent over two weeks working
  out a budget to include all of our expenses plus college for
  the kids.  I told her that I was impressed, as I didn't think
  it was possible.
    She said, "And for your part, all you have to do is figure
  out how to increase your salary to $ 237,000."
 
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 13 Nov 1998 03:32:01 PST
From:    r s <jeetay@HOTMAIL.COM>
Subject: Air India <Adult language, offensive to Indians,Hindus>
 
A Hindu gets on a plane and sits next to a European. As the plane
takes off, he unrolls a wrapper containing Hindu vegetarian food
which smells so much that the European's nose twitches. He turns to
the man and says, "Food India" with a grin.
 
He then takes out a container containing the foulest smelling
liquid and again the man at the side has a twitching nose. He grins
sheepishly at the man and says, " Sorry. Drink India"  He then
proceeds with his meal.
 
As soon as he has finished he farts.It is a loud, long fart.
He grins sheeepishly and says, "Air India"
 
 
"A Singaporean discovers India"
http://members.xoom.com/RanjeetSingh/main.html
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 13 Nov 1998 06:55:58 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Tombstone Epitaphs
 
          Here are some funny epitaphs from real tombstones:
            =============================================
 
On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova
Scotia:
             Here lies
             Ezekial Aikle
             Age 102
             The Good Die Young.
 
In a London, England cemetery:
             Ann Mann
             Here lies Ann Mann,
             Who lived an old maid
             But died an old Mann.
             Dec. 8, 1767
 
In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery:
             Anna Wallace
             The children of Israel wanted bread
             And the Lord sent them manna,
             Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife,
             And the Devil sent him Anna.
 
Playing with names in a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:
             Here lies
             Johnny Yeast
             Pardon me
             For not rising.
 
Memory of an accident in a Uniontown, Pennsylvania cemetery:
             Here lies the body
             of Jonathan Blake
             Stepped on the gas
             Instead of the brake.
 
In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:
             Here lays Butch,
             We planted him raw.
             He was quick on the trigger,
             But slow on the draw.
 
A widow wrote this epitaph in a Vermont cemetery:
            Sacred to the memory of my husband John Barnes
            who died January 3, 1803. His comely young widow,
            aged 23, has many qualifications of a good wife,
            and yearns to be comforted.
 
A lawyer's epitaph in England:
             Sir John Strange
             Here lies an honest lawyer,
             And that is Strange.
 
Someone determined to be anonymous in Stowe, Vermont:
             I was somebody.
             Who, is no business of yours.
 
Lester Moore was a Wells, Fargo Co. station agent for Naco, Arizona
in the cowboy days of the 1880's.  He's buried in the Boot Hill
Cemetery in Tombstone, Arizona:
             Here lies Lester Moore
             Four slugs from a .44
             No Les No More.
 
John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne, England, cemetery:
             Reader if cash thou art
             In want of any
             Dig 4 feet deep
             And thou wilt find a Penny.
 
On Margaret Daniels grave at Hollywood Cemetery Richmond, Virginia:
             She always said her feet were killing her
             but nobody believed her.
 
In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England:
             On the 22nd of June
             - Jonathan Fiddle -
              Went out of tune.
 
Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls, Vermont has an epitaph
that sounds like something from a Three Stooges movie:
             Here lies the body of our Anna
             Done to death by a banana
             It wasn't the fruit that laid her low
             But the skin of the thing that made her go.
 
More fun with names with Owen Moore in Battersea, London, England:
             Gone away
             Owin' more
             Than he could pay.
 
Someone in Winslow, Maine didn't like Mr. Wood:
             In Memory of Beza Wood
             Departed this life
             Nov. 2, 1837
             Aged 45 yrs.
             Here lies one Wood
             Enclosed in wood
             One Wood
             Within another.
             The outer wood
             Is very good:
             We cannot praise
             The other.
 
On a grave from the 1880's in Nantucket, Massachusetts:
             Under the sod and under the trees
             Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
             He is not here, there's only the pod:
             Pease shelled out and went to God.
 
The grave of Ellen Shannon in Girard, Pennsylvania is almost a
consumer tip:
             Who was fatally burned
             March 21, 1870
             by the explosion of a lamp
             filled with "R.E. Danforth's
             Non-Explosive Burning Fluid"
 
Oops! Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York:
             Born 1903--Died 1942
             Looked up the elevator shaft to see if
             the car was on the way down. It was.
 
In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:
            Here lies an Atheist
            All dressed up
            And no place to go.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 13 Nov 1998 08:25:06 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Two Rules To Success In Life
 
        1. Don't tell people everything you know.
        2.
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 13 Nov 1998 07:40:06 -0600
From:    RANEBOUX <wett@GS.VERIO.NET>
Subject: WORLD's fasTEST PC News
 
Silicon Graphics Inc. says it has installed the world's fastest
computer -- which runs at speeds of 1.6 trillion operations per
second -- at the Dept. of Energy's Los Alamos National Laboratory.
 
Company officials demonstrated by playing what is widely believed
to be the fastest game of Minesweep................
 
ever
 
------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 13 Nov 1998 08:45:03 -0500
From:    Steve and Cindy <atlas@EZNET.NET>
Subject: Happy Friday the 13th!
 
Question:
Why is Friday the thirteenth regarded with such dread?
 
Answer:
The Norse, whose mythology gave us fear of the number thirteen, are
also responsible for the anxiety over Friday the thirteenth. Friday
gets its name from Frigg, the Norse Goddess of the heavens. When
Norse tribes dropped their polytheistic religion in favor of
christianity, they began vilifying Frigg, calling her a witch.
 
In their attempts to malign the goddess who used to represent love
and fertility, people egan to make up stories about her. In one
tale, the deserted goddess was said to convene weekly meetings with
eleven other witches and the devil -- a total of thirteen
participants. During these meetings, which naturally took place on
"Frigg's day" or Friday, Frigg and her cohorts would hatch evil
plots for the following week.
 
As a result of this story, Friday became known as the "Witches'
Sabbath" and Friday the thirteenth was especially feared.
 
Question:
Why is 13 considered an unlucky number?
 
Answer:
Many people believe that fear of the number thirteen goes back to
the Last Supper. Jesus and his apostles numbered thirteen at that
meal, and within a day Jesus was crucified. Truth is though, that
this superstition predates the Last Supper, going back at least to
Norse mythology.
 
According to Norse tradition twelve gods were invited to a banquet
at Valhalla. Loki, the evil god, wasn't invited to this party but
crashed it anyway, bringing the number of guests to thirteen.
During the evening, Loki, always looking to cause destruction, shot
the god Balder with a mistletoe arrow, killing a favorite of the
gods.
 
As a result of this story, the number thirteen became a source of
anxiety for people. By the time Jesus began preaching, the
superstition had already been established, but the Last Supper
reinforced it.
 
     Sources: PANATI'S EXTRAORDINARY ORIGINS OF EVERYDAY THINGS
              by Charles Panati
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 13 Nov 1998 08:27:31 -0500
From:    Paul Benoit <Paul_Benoit@SPEEDLINE.COOKSON.COM>
Subject: Nixon's Disease <adult>
 
Hillary Clinton goes to a new doctor in Washington for an
examination, and he discovers that she has crabs. He thinks to
himself  'How am I going to tell the first lady that she has
crabs?'
 
After the exam he tells her to get dressed and meet him back in his
office. Once there he proceeds to tell her that she has a very
unusual condition. She is quite concerned and asks him what it is.
 
He responds that she is suffering from Nixon's Disease.
 
She says, "What?"
 
He again responds, "Nixon's Disease."
 
She says, "Level with me, Doc, what does it mean?"
 
He responds, "Well Mrs. Clinton, to put it very bluntly, you've got
bugs in your oval orifice."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 13 Nov 1998 09:37:47 -0500
From:    Jim Mica <jmica@ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: Dr. Seuss on Monica/Zippergate
 
Dr. Seuss Interprets the Clinton "situation"
 
Still trying to find a way to discuss the Starr report with your
preschooler?
 
The Bubba of Scuz
and the Bimbo of Loo
were sharing a pizza
with nothing to do.
 
They sat and they talked
although little was said.
so they dabbled in
bumblefunumpus instead
 
(which cannot be explained
and is never polite)
whether done in the daylight
or darkness of night.
 
But the Bubba of Scuz
was a Loyalty Scout
which meant that with Bimbos,
funumping was out.
 
The Loyalty Scouts
(an unusual breed)
thought that telling the truth
was the best of good deeds.
 
If ever you slipped
into trouble so deep
that you thought that a lie
was the best way to keep
 
Your brains in your head
and your seat in your pants,
a Loyalty Scout would say
"don't take the chance!"
 
A Splonger named Ken
had been watching the glade
where the Bubba and Bimbo
funumped in the shade
 
"At last" said the Splong
(a responsible guy)
I now have what I need
to entice him to lie.
 
The Bubba of Scuz
was then pressured to tell
of the things he had done
in the glade by the dell.
 
"Did you yert with palookas?
Or miff some goopats?
I heard that you fleegered
a blooper with gnats!"
 
"I have done no such thing"
said the Bubba of Scuz
"those things aren't the things
that a Scuz Bubba does."
 
"But what about Bimbos?"
Inquired the Splong.
"Funumping with Bimbos
is equally wrong!"
 
"I never funumped
with the Bimbo of Loo."
"If you say that I did,
what you say isn't true."
 
Except that it was,
bringing Bubba up short
when the Splonger named Ken
made his final report.
 
So take this advice
when you're feeling ashamed.
Stick to the truth
or you'll wind up defamed.
 
The Loyalty Scouts
will muster you out
your good friends will wonder
what you are about
 
And history's scribes,
remembering you
will skip all the good
you endeavored to do.
 
Like the Bubba of Scuz
who, 'til history's end
will be linked to his Bimbo
and the Splonger named Ken.
 
          -{Origin Unknown}
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 13 Nov 1998 18:08:09 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Maria in America (Shaggy Dog)
 
Very few people know that when Maria Von Trapp and her family
escaped to America from Austria, she worked in the Ford Motor
Company plant in Dearborn, Michigan before settling in New England.
 
"Your job," the car parts manager told her, "will be to affix these
metal kleimens to the drive shaft of each car."
 
"What are these kleimens for?" asked Maria.
 
"They help the air stream."
 
"Then they must be perfect or they will not work, yes ?"
 
The manager nodded in the affirmative.
 
Maria applied herself with a passion to her job, examining kleimen
after kleimen carefully and discarding many of them.
 
"Why are you throwing most of them away ?" screamed the manager.
 
"They are not perfect."
 
"Listen, lady: I'll tell you one More time or perhaps you'd like me
to sing it to you, 'You gotta mount every kleimen, stream every
Ford'."
               -By Barbara Wagner
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 13 Nov 1998 to 14 Nov 1998
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