HUMOR Digest - 12 Nov 1998 to 13 Nov 1998
There are 15 messages totalling 711 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. US Politics
  2. Only In Alabama (the "f" word)
  3. Great Truths
  4. Ethnic Jokes <adult, off. as usual>
  5. Heaven and HELL ( adult)
  6. Veterans Day: Letter to the Editor
  7. Sheep, and some stories of baad people <adult>
  8. Great Thinkers?
  9. Fwd: [Fwd: Lewinsky Humor]
 10. Adult Riddle
 11. Slick comments and questions about contemporary life
 12. Toddlers
 13. Interviews - How To Handle Them <adult>
 14. Clinton's slogan <Sexually Suggestive>
 15. The Truck Stop (Pun)
 
-------------------------------------------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 12 Nov 1998 04:07:24 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: US Politics
 
* Can't you just imagine President Clinton going to a local bar
  and telling the bartender, "My country doesn't understand me."
                        - - - - -
 
* The way Clinton's been under attack this year, I hear insiders
  are calling the White House's Oval Office the "Oval Bunker".
                        - - - - -
 
* Washington DC is the only place I've ever seen where a politician
  can get up and speak for an hour saying nothing.  Then follows
  four-five hours where other politicians disagree with him.
                        - - - - -
 
*   A recent visitor to Washington DC scanned the street up & down,
  then finally asked a local, "Can you tell me which side the State
  Department is on."
    "Ours, I think..." replied the local citizen, "But lately, I'm
  not all that sure."
                        - - - - -
 
*   A US Congressman and his wife were fast asleep when a noise
  from downstairs woke the wife. "There's a thief in the house."
  she said, shaking her husband.
    Groggily, the Congressman replied, "Well, maybe there's a few
  in the Senate, but certainly not in the House."
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Indexed UGA Humor Digests 1997-1998:
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 12 Nov 1998 07:06:03 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Only In Alabama (the "f" word)
 
Two guys are driving through Alabama when they get pulled over by a
state trooper. The trooper walks up, taps on the window with his
nightstick, the driver rolls down the window, and the trooper
smacks him in the head with the stick. The driver says, "Why'd you
do that? The trooper says,
 
"You're in Alabama, son. When I pull you over, you'll have your
license ready."
 
Driver says, "I'm sorry, officer, I'm not from around here."
 
The trooper runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean. He
gives the guy his license back and walks around to the passenger
side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls his window down,
and the trooper smacks him with the nightstick. The passenger says,
"What'd you do that  for?"
 
The cop says,"Just making your wishes come true."
 
The passenger says, "Huh?"
 
The cop says, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna
say, 'I wish that mother fucker would've tried that shit with me.'"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 12 Nov 1998 08:06:06 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Great Truths
 
          Great Truths About Life That Adults Have Learned
          -------------------------------------------------
 
Raising teenagers is like nailing JELLO to a tree.
 
There is always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look
for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that
wrinkles don't hurt.
 
One reason to smile is that every seven minutes of every day,
someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
 
The best way to keep kids at home is to make the home a pleasant
atmosphere... and let the air out of their tires.
 
Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly car payment is
due.
 
Families are like fudge... mostly sweet with a few nuts.
 
Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
 
Laughing helps. It's like jogging on the inside.
 
Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the
toy.
 
My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.
 
If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.
 
You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and
wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
 
          -Thanks to Brad Mattos
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 12 Nov 1998 08:06:15 -0500
From:    Paul Benoit <Paul_Benoit@SPEEDLINE.COOKSON.COM>
Subject: Ethnic Jokes <adult, off. as usual>
 
Back in the 70's, a long-haired youth was hitchhiking through the
deep South. He got a ride one night from this real mean-looking
redneck trucker. After riding about 30 miles in silence, the youth
finally said: "Well, aren't you going to ask me?"
 
"Ask you what?" replied the trucker.
 
"If I'm a boy or a girl," answered the youth.
 
"Don't matter," replied the trucker. "Gonna fuck ya anyway."
               -----------------------------
 
Q: How can you tell when a Polish woman is having her period?
A: She's only wearing one sock!
               -----------------------------
 
Q: Why were the Puerto Rican's pushing the house down the middle of
   the street in the winter?
A: They were trying to jump start the furnace.
               -----------------------------
 
The Encino School Board has declared Jewish English a second
language. Backers of the move say the district is the first in the
nation to recognize Hebonics as the language of many American Jews.
 
In Hebonics, questions are always answered with questions:
 
Question: "How do you feel?"
Hebonics response: "How should I feel?"
 
The sarcastic repetition of words by adding "sh" to the front is
used for emphasis: mountains becomes "shmountains"; turtle becomes
"shmurtle."
 
Sample Usage Comparisons:
 
Standard English Phrase: "He walks slowly"
Hebonics Phrase: "Like a fly in the ointment he walks."
 
English: "Sorry, I don't know the time"
Hebonics: "What do I look like, a clock?"
 
English: "I hope things turn out okay"
Hebonics: "You should BE so lucky!"
 
English: "I see you're wearing one of the ties I gave you."
Hebonics: "What's the matter, the other tie you didn't like?
 
English: "Anything can happen."
Hebonics: "Things are never so bad that they can't get worse"
 
English: "May I take your plate sir?"
Hebonics: "You've hardly touched your food.  What's the matter,
           something's wrong with it?"
 
English: "It's been so long since you've called."
Hebonics: "You didn't wonder if I'm dead yet?"
 
English: "Let's not go skiing, lets go to the beach."
Hebonics: "Mountains, shmountains!  Do I look like a sled to you?
               -----------------------------
 
Q: How much does it cost to educate a Chinese student?
A: Two bullets.
               -----------------------------
 
This guy walks into a bar down in Alabama and orders a Grape Nehi.
Surprised, the bartender looks around and says  "You ain't from
around here... where you from, boy?"
 
The guy says, "I'm from Pennsylvania."
 
The bartender asks, "What do you do up in Pennsylvania?"
 
The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."
 
The bartender asks, "A taxidermist... what the hell is a
taxidermist?"
 
The guy says "I mount animals."
 
The bartender smiles and shouts to the whole bar,  "It's OK boys,
he's one of us!"
               -----------------------------
 
Q: How can you tell if a young Greek is a gentleman?
A: He waits till after the 3rd date before he fucks his
   girlfriend's brother.
               -----------------------------
 
Do you realize the average American has one tit & one testicle?
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 12 Nov 1998 08:22:31 -0600
From:    RANEBOUX <wett@GS.VERIO.NET>
Subject: Heaven and HELL ( adult)
 
Identical twin brothers, one lives a godly life, good husband and
father, reputable businessman, lots of community service. One is a
hell-raiser, drunk, unfaithful to his wife, mean to his kids,
cheats and lies. They both die at about the same time.
 
The good twin is in heaven and can look down on the bad twin in
hell.  Hell is not as the good twin imagined.  His brother is
drinking and partying, lots of beautiful women, music, dancing,
passionate kissing going on.
 
The good twin sees St Peter and says to him, "Mind you, I'm not
complaining.  This place is peaceful and beautiful, but my brother
down there looks like he's having the time of is life. He has his
own beer keg and just look at that gorgeous woman he is kissing."
 
St Peter puts an arm on the man's shoulder and says, "My son, all
is not as it seems. The keg has a hole in it.  The woman doesn't.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 12 Nov 1998 10:41:29 -0500
From:    Lee_Bradley <lbradley@VALDOSTA.EDU>
Subject: Veterans Day: Letter to the Editor
 
Dear Editor,
 
Yesterday was Veterans Day, so I asked someone who had been in the
Armed Service what he did in the military.  He said, "I was in the
Pacific Theater."  I asked him if any other GIs were with him.  He
said "Yes, there were thousands of us in the Pacific Theater."  I
asked him how much time he spent in the Pacific Theater.  He said
that he was in the Pacific Theater every day for five months!
 
I certainly believe that our fighting men need some recreation,
but I think that they don't need to be in the movie theater that
long. Back in 1944, for example, our boys in uniform were having a
tough time on the beaches of Norway - yet there were thousands of
GIs off in the movie theater who could have been helping out. And
as a Concerned American, I think it is a bit excessive for a
serviceman to be at the picture show every day for five months. Of
course, all Veterans were not in the Pacific Theatre, and we should
be proud of those who fought and who made sacrifices.
 
A Concerned American
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 12 Nov 1998 19:03:26 GMT
From:    Catweasel <catweasel@CATWEASEL.ORG>
Subject: Sheep, and some stories of baad people <adult>
 
So the cowboy goes out to seek his fortune on the frontier of the
old West.  He finally settles on a ranching town near the very edge
of civilisation.  So near, in fact, that there aren't any women to
be found for love nor money.
 
Well, he's young and full of hormones, and after a month, he starts
getting randy, so he goes to the saloon to ask around.  After a
couple of sort of nervous, whispered conversations, it comes out
that you use the sheep.
 
Well, our hero isn't real happy about this, but he's really
desperate. He buys a bottle to nerve himself up.  He goes and finds
the nearest flock, and decides that if he's going to do this at
all, he's going to do it right.  He spends most of the afternoon
picking out the prettiest sheep in the flock.  He shampoos her wool
and ties ribbons around her neck.  Puts a little bell on her
collar.  He's also getting pretty drunk.
 
By evening, he's done cleaning up the sheep, and not thinking real
clearly.  He's so proud of the way the sheep looks, he decides to
take her in to town and show her off at the saloon.  He walks in
with the sheep, and the room goes quiet.  Everybody's staring at
the guy.  And not just staring, but kinda recoiling in shock and
horror.  He's ashamed, but he's drunk enough; he slurs out
"Whassamada, I thought ever'body went out to the sheep?"
 
Finally, one old timer pipes up. "Yeah, boy, but you got the
_sheriff's_ girl."
                         -------------
 
Q: Why do Welshmen wear green wellies?
A: So they can stick a sheep's back legs into them.
 
Q: Why do Welshman like to screw sheep on the edge of cliffs?
A: Because they push back so nicely.
                         -------------
 
A young man moves to a village in Wales and gets talking to an old
man from the village. He asks the old man what his name is, the old
man gets very irate at this point and says:  "See that line of
houses over there?, I built them all but do they call me Jones the
house builder?  Do they hell!"
 
"See those railway lines over there?, I laid them all but do they
call me Jones the engineer?  Do they hell!"
 
"See those bridges over that river?, I built them all but do they
call me Jones the bridge builder?  Do they hell!"
 
"But, a long time, I fucked *one* sheep..."
                         -------------
 
Q:  Why do Scotsmen wear kilts?
A:  Because the sheep can hear zippers!
 
Q:  How can you find a sheep in the forest, if you can't see them ?
A:  Because they are very attractive.
 
Q:  Why do Australian men marry Australian Women ?
A:  Because sheep can't cook
                         -------------
 
Australian class system:
The Working Class: people who don't own sheep
The Middle Class:  people who do own sheep
The Upper Class:   sheep!
                         -------------
 
You've heard of "Virgin Wool from New Zealand?"
It's a myth.
                         -------------
 
Q:  What do you call a Wicklow man with no sheep ?
A:  Lonely.
 
Q:  What do you call a Wicklow man with one sheep ?
A:  Married.
 
Q:  What do you call a Wicklow man with five sheep ?
A:  A Pimp !
 
 
http://www.catweasel.org
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 12 Nov 1998 15:18:47 EST
From:    Sue Sevin <SueS7@AOL.COM>
Subject: Great Thinkers?
 
                    Great Thinkers of Our Time!?
 
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live
         forever, because if we were supposed to live forever,
         then we would live  forever, but we cannot live forever,
         which is why I would not live forever."
                    -- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest
 
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the
 world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like
 that but not  with all those flies and death and stuff."
                    -- Mariah Carey
 
"Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the
 same reactions in the brain as marijuana.  The researchers also
 discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember
 what they are."
               -- Matt Lauer on NBC's Today show, August 22
 
"I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with
 the law."
               -- David Dinkins, New York City Mayor,
          (answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes)
 
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important
 part of your life."
               -- Brooke Shields
          (during an interview to become spokesperson
           for a federal anti-smoking campaign)
 
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body."
               -- Winston Bennett
          (University of Kentucky basketball forward
 
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime
 rates in  the country."
               -- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C.
 
"We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees."
               -- Jason Kidd
          (upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks)
 
"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers.
 We are the president."
               -- Hillary Clinton
          (commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents)
 
"China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese."
               -- Former French President Charles De Gaulle
 
"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a
 jackass, and I'm just the one to do it."
               -- A congressional candidate in Texas
 
"The government is not doing enough about cleaning up the
  environment. This is a good planet."
               -- Mr. New Jersey contestant
          (when asked what he would do with a million dollars)
 
"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from
 them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and
 the  Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves."
                -- John Wayne
 
"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
               -- Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark
 
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the
 impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
               -- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
 
"Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public
 mind."
               -- General William Westmoreland
 
"If you let that sort of thing go on, your bread and butter will be
 cut right out from under your feet."
               -- Former British foreign minister Ernest Bevin
 
"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
                -- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
 
"Definition of a conservative:  a liberal who just got mugged.
 Definition of a liberal:  a conservative who just got arrested."
               -- John Varley
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 13 Nov 1998 08:55:47 +0900
From:    Stephen McCabe <bigsteve@ALLES.OR.JP>
Subject: Fwd: [Fwd: Lewinsky Humor]
 
          POSSIBLE TITLES FOR LEWINSKY'S NEW BOOK
 
I Suck At My Job
 
What Really Goes Down In The White House
 
How I Blew It In Washington
 
You Have to Work Hard to Find the Softer Side of the President
 
Clear and Present Boner
 
Testing the Limits of the Gag Rule
 
Going Back for Gore
 
Podium Girl
 
Secret Services to the President
 
Harass is Not Two Words: The Story of Bill Clinton Deep Inside The
                         Oval Office
 
The Congressional Study on White House Intern Positions
 
She's Chief of MY Staff!
 
Al Gore Is In Command For The Next 30 Minutes
 
How To Beat Off the Government
 
Going Down and Moving Up
 
Members of the Presidential Cabinet
 
Me and My Big Mouth
 
How To Get Ahead in Business
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 12 Nov 1998 17:44:14 -0500
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@LATTE.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Adult Riddle
 
What do you call eight consecutive days of office sex?
 
Hanukkah Lewinsky!
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 12 Nov 1998 22:04:44 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Slick comments and questions about contemporary life
 
     ** WARMING    TERRIBLE PUN ALERT    BEWARE **
 
Sign on my boss' desk: "It has come to the attention of this desk
that too much comes to the attention of this desk."
 
If you took away meetings, managers would have no way to justify
their existence.
 
A fool and his money are soon partying.
 
What is it about getting married and having a baby or two that
makes these young ladies with beautiful long hair cuit it all off?
 
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him to fish and
he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
 
Minnesota's new state motto: "Our governor can whip your governor."
 
When you're over stressed, does your cope runneth over?
 
Firms keep going out of their way to give me credit. For that, I
deeply indebted.
 
News flash: New DNA evidence confirms that Strom Thurmond NEVER had
sexual relations with Betsy Ross
 
While voting at a local school late week, I had the opportunity to
see inside one of those trailer classrooms. Who's complaining? The
thing was nicer than any classroom i ever had.
 
I overheard one end of a cell phone conversation in my voting line:
"Honey, read me that Christian Coalition flier so I know who to
vote for."
 
Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
 
The NBA: The No Basketball Association.
 
The NBA lockout upset me about as much as the death of my worst
enemy.
 
Fox shows four minutes of commercials, a 15-second kickoff, and
four more minutes of commercials, and you wonder why TV ratings are
down?
 
I had a blind date and a woman walked by. I said, "Are you Edith?"
She replied, "Are you Jerry?" I said, "Yes." She said, "Then I'm
not Edith."
 
My time choice is standard in the morning and daylight savings at
night.
 
 
Source: http://www.accessatlanta.com/news/thevent
 
------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 12 Nov 1998 18:58:35 -0800
From:    Keith Sullivan <KSullivan@WORLDNET.ATT.NET>
Subject: Toddlers
 
BUYING A HOME
 
As a real-estate agent, I was showing several homes to a young
couple with a toddler.  We went over the houses thoroughly,
examining each room and opening every closet and cabinet.
 
The toddler followed her parents quietly until we arrived at the
final home of the day.  Pulling a pacifier from her mouth, the
child asked in exasperation, "What are we looking for?"
 
          -Karen Schlabach
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 13 Nov 1998 09:23:12 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMCLTD.COM>
Subject: Interviews - How To Handle Them <adult>
 
You don't seem to hold on to a job long. Why should we think you'll
stay here any longer than you've stayed elsewhere?
 
Real answer: My employers have always had a hang-up about keeping
only competent employees.

What you should say: I'm at a point in my career where I am tired
of moving around. I really want to feel part of a team, a long-term
enterprise, where I can make a contribution.
                    ---------------
 
How do you handle change?
 
Real answer: I deal with it everyday, unless I'm out of clean
underwear.
 
What you should say: I think everyone knows that today the only
constant is change. I thrive on it.
                    ---------------
 
Are you a risk taker?
 
Real Answer: I have unprotected sex with strangers.
 
What you should say: I think it's important to take risks, but
don't think you should be reckless. I like to take calculated
risks.
                    ---------------
 
How do you get along with others?
 
Real answer: Fine, as long as they stay the fuck out of my face.
 
What you should say: I think the interpersonal dynamics of the
workplace can be among the most satisfying aspects of any job.
                    ---------------
 
What does the word success mean to you?
 
Real answer: It means that I don't have to drag my sorry ass out of
bed to kiss yours.
 
What you should say: Success, for me, would be knowing I am making
a difference working with a team of people to make a more
profitable enterprise.
                    ---------------
 
What does the word failure mean to you?
 
Real answer: It means I continue to collect unemployment insurance.
 
What you should say: Failure? I'm sorry, I don't know what you
mean. That word is not in my vocabulary.
                    ---------------
 
Do you get along with your current boss?
 
Real answer: I get along fine, considering what kind of a malicious
person he is.
 
What you should say: I don't think I'd call him a boss; he's been
more of a mentor to me.
                    ---------------
 
Do you ever get angry with co-workers?
 
Real answer: I don't get angry, I get even...
 
What you should say: Nothing angers me more than to see a co-worker
not pulling his weight, goofing off or stealing. Yes, sometimes I
do get angry with co-workers.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 12 Nov 1998 22:01:27 -0500
From:    Kent <kent@SUBA.COM>
Subject: Clinton's slogan <Sexually Suggestive>
 
What is Clinton's new slogan?
Bare thy rod, soil the child.
 
          - (c) 1998 by Kent Oliven.
 

------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 12 Nov 1998 20:38:02 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: The Truck Stop (Pun)
 
A friend of mine had been at a truck stop getting some lunch. The
food was good, prices reasonable, and the service fairly good.
After finishing his meal, he and his companion were drinking coffee
and talking, and noticed their waitress talking to one of the
customers at the lunch counter. He wanted a refill and wasn't able
to catch her eye, but did notice that the customer seemed to be a
friend of hers. Just as he was about to get up and ask for a cup he
noticed her laughing at something her friend said. Then she reached
into the pocket of her uniform, pulled out her pack of cigarettes,
and gave one to her friend.
 
Well, Cleve says he never had a chance to stand up, let alone ask
for another cup of coffee, for just then two highway patrolmen
seated on the other side of him flew to their feet, knocking over
their chairs, and just about knocked him down getting to the
waitress. As one was cuffing her, the other was reading her her
rights. The poor girl was flabbergasted, but was finally able to
ask what the matter was.
 
The one who had read her her rights cited some portion of the penal
code by number, but she just looked even more confused. The other
patrolman, perhaps feeling a little friendlier, turned to her and
said, Ma'am, you're being charged... with contributing to the
malignancy of a diner."
 
          -By Cleve Farvin
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 12 Nov 1998 to 13 Nov 1998
************************************************
 
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