HUMOR Digest - 11 Nov 1998 to 12 Nov 1998
There are 16 messages totalling 694 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Oh Really ??? <adult humor>
  2. Blundered Classifieds
  3. Tolerance threshold <insensitive to animals & farmers>
  4. New James Bond movie (adult)
  5. EARLY RETIREMENT <adult>
  6. A Golden Oldie: The Twins
  7. Son Wins Lottery!
  8. L.A. Beaches
  9. Catabolic engine (off. to cat-fans #2)
 10. The Microsoft lightbulb
 11. Read this first!
 12. The Eye Doctor (Pun)
 13. Top5 - 11/11/98 - Changes at Microsoft
 14. Humor - Funny Proverbs
 15. New and unabridged.....
 16. Intellisense <clean>
 
-------------------------------------------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 11 Nov 1998 02:53:01 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Oh Really ??? <adult humor>
 
* The young man was trying to impress his Jewish girlfriend during
  Hanukkah and was totally shocked when she slapped him after he
  asked if he could light-up her labia minora.
                           - - - - -
 
* The sex-ed class was dismissed early when order couldn't be
  restored after the teacher stated that simultaneous orgasms were
  mostly a stroke of luck.
                           - - - - -
 
* A French au pair decided to give up her job and return to France.
  The agency asked her reason for leaving and she told them that
  she missed her native tongue.
                           - - - - -
 
* The Sunday School teacher concluded the lesson with, "It's really
  a wonder King Solomon was as wise as the Bible tells us, with a
  thousand things on his mind."
                           - - - - -
 
*   Bedlam broke out at the monthly meeting of the Glenelg Garden
  Club this month.  The Master Gardener was asked if she truly
  believed that tender care could make a plant grow.
    In a totally serious tone she replied, "I certainly do. It's
  been my experience that anything organic can be greatly increased
  in size by affectionate handling."
                           - - - - -
 
*   After lengthening the runway at BWI Airport, the expected noise
  complaints came rolling in.  One inspector from State Aviation
  encountered a woman who claimed the planes actually shook her
  bed. She insisted that he see for himself, and with a resigned
  shrug, he settled onto the bed.
    Shortly later, the husband appeared in the doorway and demanded
  to know what the hell the inspector thought he was doing.
    The inspector spoke without thinking and replied, "Waiting for
  a plane."
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Indexed UGA Humor Digests 1997-1998:
     (text)  www2.crosswinds.net/baltimore/~jimjr
      (zip)  www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
 
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 11 Nov 1998 07:01:25 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Blundered Classifieds
 
 1. Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25;
    Children $2.00.
 
 2. For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs
    and large drawers.
 
 3. Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra
    pair to take home, too.
 
 4. We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it
    carefully by hand.
 
 5. No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray
    will make it really repellent.
 
 6. Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
 
 7. Dog for sale: eats anything and is especially fond of
    children.
 
 8. Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.
 
 9. Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena
    Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.
 
10. Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.
 
11. Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates.
    Automatically burns toast.
 
12. Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable
    that lots of women wear nothing else.
 
13. Stock up and save. Limit: one.
 
14. For Sale--Diamonds $20; microscopes $15.
 
15. Man, honest. Will take anything.
 
16. Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once,
    you'll never go anywhere again.
 
17. Illiterate? Write today for free help.
 
18. Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
 
19. 3-year-old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.
 
20. Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 11 Nov 1998 14:05:00 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Tolerance threshold <insensitive to animals & farmers>
 
A farmer and his brand new bride were riding home from the chapel
in a wagon pulled by a team of horses, when the older horse
stumbled.
 
The farmer said, "That's once." A little further along, the poor
old horse stumbled again. The farmer said, "That's twice." After a
little, while the poor old horse stumbled again. The farmer didn't
say anything, but reached under the seat, pulled out a shotgun and
shot the horse.
 
His brand new bride raised all kind of heck with him, telling him,
"That was an awful thing to do!"
 
The farmer said, "That's once."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 11 Nov 1998 06:56:52 -0500
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@LATTE.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: New James Bond movie (adult)
 
Sean Connery, now 68 years of age, is about to star in yet another
James Bond thriller. This time he will match wits with the evil
proctologist, Coldfinger.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 11 Nov 1998 07:50:35 -0500
From:    Paul Benoit <Paul_Benoit@SPEEDLINE.COOKSON.COM>
Subject: EARLY RETIREMENT <adult>
 
         [ H A P P Y   V E T E R A N ' S   D A Y !!!! ]
            ---------------------------------------
 
The pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an
early retirement bonus.  They promised any general who retired
straight away, his full annual benefits PLUS $10,000.00 for every
inch measured in a straight line along the retiring general's body
between two points he chose.
 
The first general accepted.  He asked the pension man to measure
from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. 6 feet.  He walked
out with a check of $720,000.00.
 
The second general asked them to measure from the tip of his
outstretched hands to his toes.  8 feet.  He walked out with a
check for $960,000.00.
 
Meantime, the first general had tipped off the third.  When he was
asked where to measure, he told the pension man, "From the tip of
my penis to the tip of my balls."
 
The pension man said that would be fine but he'd better get the
Medical Officer to do the measuring.
 
The Medical Officer attended and asked the general to drop 'em...
he did... The Medical Officer placed the tape on the tip of the
general's penis and began to work back. "My God!" he said, "where
are your balls?"
 
The general replied, "in Vietnam."
                 ****************************
 
Q: Why is being in the service like a blowjob?
A: The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 11 Nov 1998 07:28:42 -0600
From:    RANEBOUX <wett@GS.VERIO.NET>
Subject: A Golden Oldie: The Twins
 
A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each  other was
their looks.  If one felt it was too hot, the other thought it was
too cold. If one said the TV was too loud, the other claimed the
volume needed to be turned up.  Opposite in every way, one was an
eternal optimist, the other a doom & gloom pessimist.
 
Just to see what would happen, on the twins' birthday their father
loaded the pessimist's room with every imaginable toy and game.
The optimist's room he loaded with horse manure.
 
That night the father passed by the pessimist's room and found him
sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly. "Why are you crying?"
the father asked.
 
"Because my friends will be jealous, I'll have to read the all
these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff, I'll
constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken."
answered the pessimist twin.
 
Passing the optimist twin's room, the father found him dancing for
joy in the pile of manure.  "What are you so happy about?" he
asked.
 
To which his optimist twin replied, "There's got to be a pony in
here somewhere!"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 11 Nov 1998 08:43:53 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Son Wins Lottery!
 
An old guy and his son had a one-mule farm and barely eked out a
living. One day his son, Jed, hit the lottery, winning $50,000.
Well, Jed burned rubber into town, collected his money and left
more rubber all the way back home, where he told his father the
good news and handed him a $50 bill.
 
The father looked at the money for a moment and then said, "Son,
you know I've always been careful with what little money we had.
I didn't spend it on whiskey or women or frivolous things. In fact,
I couldn't even afford a license to legally marry your Ma."
 
"Pa!" the son exclaims, "do you know what that makes me?"
 
"Sure do," said the old guy fingering the fifty-dollar bill.
"And a damn cheap one, too."
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 11 Nov 1998 06:24:09 -0800
From:    Joke List <1rodney@GEOCITIES.COM>
Subject: L.A. Beaches
 
Living in Los Angeles, one sees all type of people.  Everything
from movie stars to inner city gang kids.  Russian refugees to rock
stars. Homeless beggars to rich, pretentious yuppies.  The "nuveau
rich" as they are called.  But one thing is for certain everyone
has an attitude.
 
Last week Cathy and I took the day off from work and spent it at
the beach.  As we walked through the parking lot to the sand, we
noticed a couple unpacking their Mercedes.  They had a ton of
stuff.  Beach umbrella, chairs, a folding table, blankets, and who
knows what else.  Cathy and I just shook our heads as we trooped
off to the surf.
 
After a few minutes the couple arrived and set up "camp" not thirty
feet away from us.  It took them awhile to get their stuff
together, but soon they opened their bottle of wine, laid out the
china, and were snacking on crackers, cheese and other delicacies.
As unusual as it may seem, they really weren't much different from
other pretentious couples we see at the beach on any given day.
 
We ignored them and soaked up the sun instead.  Perhaps a half hour
later the wife told her husband she was going to the car to get
something. He said "that's fine, I'll just take a dip in the
water."  With that he kicked off his Gucci loafers and walked into
the surf.
 
Perhaps it was the wine, or his lack of swimming skills, but he was
soon floundering.  The life guard noticed him and rushed to his
rescue.  As the life guard pulled the man from the surf other life
guards arrived to assist.  The wife seeing that it was her husband
rushed to the scene.
 
"Oh my God, Brian! Brian!" she yelled.  One of the life guards held
her and tried to reassure the panicked wife.
 
"He'll be all right, mam.  They are just giving him a little
artificial respiration."
 
"Artificial Respiration?! Artificial Respiration?!" The wife
shrieked. "My brian either gets real respiration or nothing at
all!"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 11 Nov 1998 11:40:27 -0500
From:    rlb <rlb@DORUK.COM.TR>
Subject: Catabolic engine (off. to cat-fans #2)
 
The results from Omni Magazine's contest asking people to submit
their theories on anything were pretty funny.
 
> GRAND PRIZE WINNER
> When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when
> toast is dropped, it always lands with the buttered side facing
> down.  I propose to strap buttered toast to the back of a cat;
> the two will hover, spinning
 
I don't believe this. I do all the original research and someone
else makes off with the grand prize...
 
The following is excerpted from my Patent Office application. For
some reason, they rejected it.
 
Catabolic Engine: Solution to the energy crunch?
 
After a great deal of experimentation, in which I used up two
loaves of Wonder Bread, a tub of Land 'O Lakes butter, and quite a
few cats, I can say that the results are inconclusive. 80% of the
time, the cat landed on its feet. I suspected however that this
might be due to the disproportion in the cat/buttered-toast masses.
Increasing the number of slices of buttered toast as well as
decreasing the size of the cat seemed to bear this supposition out.
 
The closer the relative weights of cat:buttered toast approached
1:1, the more the initial drop configuration (ie cat with its feet
pointing up or down) seemed to influence the landing. My conclusion
was that buttered toast didn't work.
 
My observations however inspired me to try strapping two cats
back-to-back and dropping them. I discovered that if you work from
a sufficient height (a second-story balcony seems to do nicely),
30% of the time (on average) one of the cats landed on its feet.
Initial drop configuration in this case did not appear to be
statistically significant.
 
In the other 70% of the trials however, the two cats landed on
their sides. This confirmed my observations (of the cat+buttered
toast experiments) that the assemblage was capable of *rotating
under its own power as it fell*. In other words, angular momentum
was being generated and this suggested that, if it could be
harnessed, it might prove to be a source of (relatively) clean and
cheap energy.
 
I tested this hypothesis a few times with FOUR cats strapped to a
4-by-4 beam dropped from a height of ten meters. Unfortunately the
muscular energy of just four cats proved to be insufficient to
cause the mass of the beam to rotate at all. An 8-cp (eight
cat-power) assemblage with a four-cat array strapped at either end
of such a beam should, in theory, work; but trials have revealed
that, with this many cats involved, their individual efforts to
land feet-first are cancelled out because the cats don't all try to
right themselves in the same direction or at the same time.
Although some angular motion does occur, it is erratic at best.
 
I intend to continue this research by experimenting with lighter,
composite-material beams and also with better ways of timing and
coordinating cat-effort delivery and will be getting on with it
just as soon as the suspicions of the neighborhood's (former)
cat-owners have been allayed and a new supply of cats is available.
 
               -Bob Istanbul
 
 
http://www.geocities.com/Athens/Ithaca/5309/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 11 Nov 1998 19:07:06 GMT
From:    Catweasel <catweasel@CATWEASEL.ORG>
Subject: The Microsoft lightbulb
 
Q: How many MicroSoft tech support people dies it take to change a
   light bulb?
A: Four.
  * one to ask "What is the registration number of the light bulb?"
  * one to ask "Have you tried rebooting it?"
  * another to ask "Have you tried reinstalling it?"
  * and the last one to say "It must be your hardware because the
    light bulb in our office works fine..."
 
Q: How many MicroSoft technicians does it take to change a light
   bulb?
A: Three. Two to hold the ladder and one to hammer the bulb into a
   faucet.
 
Q: How many MicroSoft vice presidents does it take to change a
   light bulb?
A: Eight. One to work the bulb, and seven to make sure that
   MicroSoft gets $2 for every light bulb ever changed anywhere
   in the world.
 
Q: How many MicroSoft testers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We just determine that the room is dark; we don't actually
   change the bulb. Since we have a dead-bulb result on file from a
   previous test, rest assured that Development is working on a bug
   fix.
 
Q: How many MicroSoft shipping department personnel does it take to
   change a light bulb?
A: We can change the bulb in 7 to 10 working days. If you call
   before 2 PM, and pay an extra $15, we can get the bulb changed
   overnight. Don't forget to put your name in the upper right hand
   corner of the light bulb box.
 
Q: How many Windows users does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One. But he'll swear up and down that it was JUST as easy as it
   would be for a Mac user.
 
Q: How many MicroSoft managers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We've formed a task force to study the problem of why light
   bulbs burn out, and to determine what, exactly, we as
   supervisors can do to make the bulbs work smarter, not harder.
 
Q: How many Microsoft executives does it take to change a light
   bulb?
A: We can see no need for uninstallation and have therefore made no
   provision for light bulbs to be removed.
 
Q: How does Bill Gates change a light bulb?
A: He holds the bulb in place and lets the world revolve around
   him.
 
 
http://www.catweasel.org

 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 11 Nov 1998 14:06:23 -0700
From:    Janelle Barker <jbarker@HOLLY.COLOSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Read this first!
 
Congratulations!  You have purchased an extremely fine device that
would give you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except
that you undoubtably will destroy it via some typical bonehead
consumer maneuver.  Which is why we ask you to PLEASE FOR GOD'S
SAKE READ THIS OWNER'S MANUAL CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE
DEVICE.  YOU ALREADY UNPACKED IT, DIDN'T YOU?  YOU UNPACKED IT AND
PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH THE KNOBS, AND NOW
YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH SAUSAGE INTO
YOUR VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDED AND SET IT ON "FAST FORWARD", THIS
CHILD ALSO IS FIDDLING WITH HE KNOBS, RIGHT?  AND YOU'RE JUST NOW
STARTING TO READ THE INSTRUCTIONS, RIGHT???  WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST
BREAK THESE DEVICES RIGHT AT THE FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT,
YOU KNOW THAT?
 
                -- Dave Barry, "Read This First!"
 
-----------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 11 Nov 1998 15:50:40 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: The Eye Doctor (Pun)
 
A girl went to an ophthalmologist for an eye examination.
 
After he had completed his tests, the doctor said, "You do need
glasses. Be sure to come back after your wedding."
 
"Why can't I have them now ?" the girl asked.
 
"Because, Miss," said the doctor sternly...
"I don't believe in specs before marriage."
 
          -By Richard Guttman
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 11 Nov 1998 21:09:02 -0500
From:    John Vogel <jvogel@DGS.DGSYS.COM>
Subject: Top5 - 11/11/98 - Changes at Microsoft
 
               The Top 13 Changes at Microsoft
               as a Result of Antitrust Charges
 
13> Microsoft offices no longer providing toilet paper bearing
    Netscape logo.
 
12> Follow-up release to "IE4" now being referred to internally
    as "IE5-10, with time off for good behavior."
 
11> Must say "pretty please with jam on top" before devouring
    competitors.
 
10> Cancellation of planned "You'll think what we TELL you to
    think!" ad campaign.
 
 9> Company United Way contributions redirected towards the
    "Let's Buy The US Government" fund.
 
 8> Plans to begin marketing MSFood, MSClothing and MSShelter
    quietly tabled.
 
 7> 10:00 AM: Barksdale visits Gates's office to sign landmark
              settlement agreement.
    10:05 AM: Piranhas beneath trap door get some lunch.
  
 6> "I don't break for software companies" bumper stickers
    removed from corporate limousines.
 
 5> Internal memos no longer refer to Janet Reno as "liquor
    addled she-male."
 
 4> Kick back for a while, let loser companies catch up.
 
 3> Now relegated to making large piles of cash, down from
    huge buttwads of cash.
 
 2> Using honesty, humility and cooperation, allow one small
    competitor to show a modest profit for three straight
    quarters.  Then when they're lulled, club 'em to death
    like a baby seal.
 
       and Top5's Number 1 Change at Microsoft
         as a Result of Antitrust Charges...
 
 1> Tables turned in jail, where Bill Gates has no choice
    but to have "Big Louie's Inmate Explorer" installed
    against *his* will.
 
 
[           This list copyright 1998 by Chris White            ]
[  The Top 5 List   top5@gmbweb.com    http://www.topfive.com  ]
[      To forward or repost, please include this section.      ]
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 11 Nov 1998 21:05:04 -0600
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Humor - Funny Proverbs
 
          Copied from Ann Landers Column:
 
Dear Ann Landers:
Every year, I give my fourth-grade class the beginnings of
well-known proverbs and ask them to complete the sayings. I thought
your readers might enjoy a few. Here they are.
-- Mrs. Lesly Vick, Westlake Village, Calif.
 
Dear Mrs. Vick:
How funny -- and refreshing! Thanks for thinking of me. Here are
some lines that are guaranteed to make my readers smile.
 
It is always darkest... just before you flunk a test.

There is nothing new... under a rock.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with... a private jet.
 
A committee of three... gets things done when they are not
fighting.
 
If you can't stand the heat... try Antarctica.
 
Better late than... absent.
 
A rolling stone... may dent the floor.
 
If at first you don't succeed... live with it.
 
Laugh, and the world laughs with you. Cry...
and then blow your nose.
 
A bird in the hand is... better than a woodpecker on your head.
 
Early to bed, early to rise... and you will get the best cereal.
 
Two heads... are pretty scary.
 
It is better to light a candle than... to light a bomb.
 
A miss is as good as... a mister.
 
A penny saved... is not a lot.
 
Don't burn your bridges... or you'll fall in the lake.
 
Haste makes... sweat.
 
               Note: Ann Landers is an advice columnist.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 11 Nov 1998 22:05:40 -0500
From:    Steve and Cindy <atlas@EZNET.NET>
Subject: New and unabridged.....
 
The Washington Post's "Style Invitational" asked readers to take
any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or
changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
 
Foreploy: any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose
of obtaining sex.
 
Doltergeist: a spirit that decides to haunt someplace stupid,
such as your septic tank.
 
Giraffiti: vandalism spray-painted very, very high, such as the
famous "Surrender Dorothy" on the Beltway overpass.
 
Sarchasm: the gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the
recipient who doesn't get it.
 
Impotience: eager anticipation by men awaiting their Viagra
prescription.
 
Reintarnation: coming back to life as a hillbilly.
 
DIOS: the one true operating system.
 
Inoculatte: to take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
 
Hipatitis: terminal coolness.
 
Taterfamilias: the head of the Potato Head family.
 
Osteopornosis: a degenerate disease.
 
Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these
like really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes
and it's like a serious bummer.
 
Hindkerchief: really expensive toilet paper; toilet paper at
Buckingham palace.
 
Deifenestration: to throw all talk of God out the window.
 
Acme: a generic skin disease (alt: the *best* skin disease).
 
Dopeler effect: the tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter
when they come at you rapidly.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 12 Nov 1998 09:27:56 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMCLTD.COM>
Subject: Intellisense <clean>
 
Dan Quayle for president?
President Bush and President Gorbachev were having a meeting
when Bush asked Gorbachev "How did you manage to get so many
bright people on your staff"?
 
Gorbachev answered "Well, take Shevardnadze (Gorbachev's Secretary
of State) for example.  I wasn't sure about him when we first met
so I asked him the following riddle: There is a man who is not your
brother but is your father's son.  Who is that man?  Shevardnadze
thought for a moment and replied "Me".  And so I hired him, said
Gorbachev.
 
Bush liked that idea.  When he returned to Washington he called
Dan Quayle in and asked him the same riddle.  Quayle thought long
and hard and finally said  "I can't answer that right now.  I'll
have to get back to you".
 
Quayle then ran over to the State Department where he found George
Schultz Bush's Secretary of State).  Quayle asked Schultz the
question and he instantly replied "Me".
 
"Ah Ha" exclaimed Quayle and he ran, full speed, back to see the
President. When Quayle saw Bush he said "Mr. President.  The answer
to the question you asked me earlier is George Schultz".
 
Bush looked at Quayle and said "No it isn't, you moron.  It's
Shevardnadze".
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 11 Nov 1998 to 12 Nov 1998
************************************************

