HUMOR Digest - 10 Nov 1998 to 11 Nov 1998
There are 15 messages totalling 589 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Guys of The Asphalt
  2. Veterans Day
  3. Guys
  4. An Explanation of Male Intelligence (ADULT)
  5. Which President?/Monica's Birthday
  6. Critical Morass
  7. Who Is It?
  8. Signs that you are bored at work
  9. Cat recipe (#1) Off. to cat-fans
 10. on the beach <adult>
 11. Lawyer jokes <offensive to lawyers>
 12. The Monkey
 13. The Undertakers (Pun)
 14. The Remedy? <adult>
 15. Omni's Theories on Anything
 
-------------------------------------------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 10 Nov 1998 01:25:59 -0600
From:    RANEBOUX <wett@GS.VERIO.NET>
Subject: GUYS OF THE ASPHALT
 
In the afternoon this guy drives down a highway to visit a nearby
lake and relax. On his way to the lake one guy dressed from head to
toe in red standing on the side of the highway gestures him to
stop. Our guy rolls down the window. "How can I help you?"
 
"I am the red bastard of the asphalt, you got something to eat?"
 
With a smile in his face he hands one of his sandwiches to the red
dressed guy and drives away.  Not even five minutes thereafter he
comes across another guy. This time the guy is dressed fully in
yellow, standing on the side and waving him to stop.  A bit
irritated our guy stops, cranks down the window.  "What can I do
for you?"
 
"I am the yellow bastard of the asphalt, you got something to
drink?"
 
Hardly managing to smile this time he hands to the guy a can of
coke and then stomps on the pedal and takes off again.  In order to
make it to the lakeside before sunset he decides to go faster and
not to stop no matter what.  To his frustration he sees another guy
on the side, dressed all in blue, making a hand signal to stop him.
Not quite willing our guy decides to stop a last time, rolls his
window down and yells to the guy, "So, let me guess, you're the
blue bastard of the asphalt and just what the hell do you wanna
have?"
 
"Driver's license and registration please."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 10 Nov 1998 02:56:49 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Veterans Day
 
* Nov 11 is "Veterans Day" in the US; we honor those who served in
  the military.  Throughout the ages, the military has always been
  an armed force sent out to fix-up the work of diplomats.
                           - - - - -
 
* Although I can't claim to be a hero, I did get a medal when I was
  in the Navy for saving two women at a party once -- one for our
  squadron commander and one for myself.
                           - - - - -
 
* Whether us old pilots like to admit it or not, we do tend to gain
  some weight as the years roll by.  For Halloween this year I wore
  my old Navy uniform -- Mrs JimJr had to even let-out the tie.
                           - - - - -
 
* Just about everyone knows the reputation of US Marines being
  tuff.  I'm not sure y'all realize the extent it's carried to
  though.  On base, they have to sell milk under the counter.
                           - - - - -
 
* Contrary to what history teaches, not all of the Union soldiers
  fought willingly in the US Civil War.  Grant once wired Lincoln,
  "Mr President, some of the troops are revolting."  The President
  wired back, "Well General, you're pretty repulsive yourself."
                           - - - - -
 
*   At the Officer's Club there was a good bit of griping about the
  base housing and discrimination based upon rank.  One fellow
  spoke up and said, "Y'all are not being fair.  My Father is a US
  Senator and I've been in temporary quarters during my entire 3
  months in the Army.  Rank doesn't always enter into securing
  housing."
    There was a pause, and then one Lieutenant spoke up, "Well...
  perhaps you're right General Brown."
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Indexed UGA Humor Digests 1997-1998:
     (text)  www2.crosswinds.net/baltimore/~jimjr
      (zip)  www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
 
To subscribe:
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     leave the subject area blank; in the BODY of the
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 10 Nov 1998 16:56:56 +0530
From:    "Ashish Sharma, Gurgaon" <ashish@GGN.HCLTECH.COM>
Subject: Guys
 
There's this young single guy on a cruise ship, having the time of
his life. On the second day of the cruise, the ship slams into an
iceberg and begins to sink. Passengers around him are screaming,
flailing, and drowning but our guy manages to grab on to a piece of
driftwood and, using every last ounce of strength, swims a few
miles through the shark-infested sea to a remote, deserted island.
 
Sprawled on the shore nearly passed out from exhaustion, he turns
his head and sees a woman lying near him, unconscious, barely
breathing. She's also managed to wash up on shore from the sinking
ship. He makes his way to her, and with some mouth-to-mouth
assistance he manages to get her breathing again. She looks up at
him, wide-eyed and grateful, "My God, you saved my life!"
 
He suddenly realizes the woman is Cindy Crawford!
 
Days and weeks go by. Cindy and our guy are living on the island
together.They've set up a hut, there's fruit on the trees, and
they're in heaven. Cindy's fallen madly in love with our man, and
they're making passionate love morning, noon and night. Alas, one
day she notices he's looking kind of glum.
 
"What's the matter, sweetheart?" she asks, "We have a wonderful
life together, I'm in love with you. Is there something wrong? Is
there anything I can do?"
 
He says, "Actually, Cin, there is. Would you mind, um, putting on
my shirt?" "Uh, sure," she says, "if this will help." He takes off
his shirt and she puts it on.
 
"Now would you put on my pants?" he asks.
 
"Sure, honey, if it's really going to make you feel better," she
says.
 
"Um, OK, would you put on my hat now, and draw a little mustache on
your face?" he asks. "Whatever you want, honey," she says, and
does.
 
Then he says, "Now, would you start walking around the edge of the
island?"
 
She starts walking around the perimeter of the island. He sets off
in the other direction. They meet up halfway around the island a
few minutes later. He rushes up to her, grabs her by the shoulders,
and says, "Dude! You'll never believe who I'm sleeping with!"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 10 Nov 1998 05:40:37 -0500
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@LATTE.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: An Explanation of Male Intelligence (ADULT)
 
 Why is a man so intelligent while making love?
 
 Because he is plugged in to a genius!
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 10 Nov 1998 07:13:17 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Which President?/Monica's Birthday
 
      The more that things change, the more they remain the same!
                       =====================

 1. Which president smoked marijuana with a nude woman while he
     joked about being too wasted to "push the button" in case of
     nuclear attack?
 
 2. Which president allegedly had affairs with both a winner AND a
    finalist in the Miss America pageant?
 
 3. Which president made love to one of his secretaries stretched
    out atop a desk in the oval office?
 
 4. Which president allegedly had an affair (as well as children)
    with a slave who was his wife's half sister?
 
 5. Which president called his mistress "Pookie"?
 
 6. Which president married a woman who hadn't yet divorced her
    first husband and was branded an "adulterer" during his
    re-election campaign?
 
 7. Which future president wrote love letters to his neighbor's
    wife while he was engaged to someone else?
 
 8. Which president had a torrid affair with the first lady's
    personal secretary?
 
 9. Which president made love to a young woman in a White House
    coat closet at one point, while a secret service agent
    prevented the hysterical first lady from attacking them?
 
10. Which president made love in a closet while telling his lover
    about the *other* president who made love in a closet (the one
    in Question 9)?
 
11. Which vice-president was pissed off because he felt that HIS
    record of sexual conquests was more impressive than the
    president's?
 
12. Which future president, while a college student, loved showing
    off his manhood (which he named "Jumbo")?
 
BONUS QUESTION: Before he became president, what was John F.
                Kennedy's nickname in Palm Beach?
                 a. Jack Rabbit
                 b. Jumper Jack
                 c. Mattress Jack
 
 
                         ---------------------
                                ANSWERS:
 
 
 1. John F. Kennedy
 2. Bill Clinton
 3. Lyndon B. Johnson
 4. Thomas Jefferson
 5. Bill Clinton
 6. Andrew Jackson
 7. George Washington
 8. Franklin D. Roosevelt
 9. Warren G. Harding
10. John F. Kennedy
11. Lyndon B. Johnson
12. Lyndon B. Johnson
 
 BONUS QUESTION: c.
                           =====================
 
                             MONICA'S BIRTHDAY
 
The news reporter asked "Mr. President did you know that today was
Monica Lewinsky's Birthday?"
 
Clinton said "No how old is she?" The reporter said "she is 26."
 
Clinton says "Man, I can remember when she was only knee high."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 10 Nov 1998 08:05:57 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Critical Morass
 
Investigators at a major US research university recently discovered
the heaviest element known to science.  The element, tentatively
named administratium, has no protons or electrons and thus has an
atomic number of 0.  However, it does have one neutron, 125
assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons and 111 assistant vice
neutrons, which gives it an atomic mass of 312.
 
These 312 particles are held together by a force that involves the
continuous exchange of meson-like particles called morons.  It is
also surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called
peons.  Since it has no electrons, administratium is inert.
However, it can be detected chemically as it impedes every reaction
it comes in contact with.
 
According to the discoverers, a minute amount of administratium
causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when it
would normally have occurred in less than a second.  Administratium
has a normal half-life of approximately three years, at which time
it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which
a portion of the assistant neutrons, vice neutrons and assistant
vice neutrons exchange places.
 
In fact, an administratium sample's mass actually INCREASES over
time, since with each reorganization some of the morons inevitably
become neutrons, forming new isotopes. This characteristic of moron
promotion leads some scientists to speculate that perhaps
administratium is spontaneously formed whenever morons reach a
certain quantity in concentration.  This hypothetical quantity is
referred to as "critical morass".
 
          -Thanks to BS Pyle
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 10 Nov 1998 09:18:47 -0500
From:    Paul Benoit <Paul_Benoit@SPEEDLINE.COOKSON.COM>
Subject: Who Is It?
 
A woman goes into a store and buys a beautiful green and blue
parrot. But the only words the parrot knows how to say is "Who is
it?"
 
She takes the parrot home, but soon realizes that the bird's color
clashes with the living room. So she calls an Interior Decorator,
who says he will come by shortly. When the Decorator comes, the
woman is out shopping.
 
He knocks on the door, and the parrot says "Who is it?"
 
The man says, "It's the decorator."
 
The parrot says, "Who is it?"
 
The man repeats, "It's the decorator."
 
The parrot says, "Who is it?"
 
The man yells, "It's the decorator!!!"
 
The parrot says, "Who is it?"
 
The man screams, "The decorator, I said, THREE TIMES!!" The
decorator gets so mad, that he pops a blood vessel, and dies on
the spot.
 
The lady comes home and finds a dead man lying on her front porch.
She says, "Oh my goodness... who is it?"
 
The parrot says, "It's the decorator!"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 10 Nov 1998 13:28:10 -0500
From:    Steve and Cindy <atlas@EZNET.NET>
Subject: Signs that you are bored at work
 
1. You've already read the entire Dilbert page-a-day calendar for
   1998.
 
2. You discover that staring at your cubicle wall long enough
   produces images of Elvis.
 
3. You've figured out a way to get Gilligan off the island.
 
4. You decide to see how many Mountain Dews you can drink before
   the inevitable explosion occurs.
 
5. People come into your office only to borrow pencils from your
   ceiling.
 
6. No longer content with merely photocopying your butt, you now
   scan and enhance it with Photoshop.
 
7. You now require only a single can of cola to belch the names of
   all seven Dwarfs.
 
8. The 4th Division of Paper clips has overrun the Pushpin
   Infantry, and General White-Out has called for reinforcements.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 10 Nov 1998 14:47:55 -0500
From:    rlb <rlb@DORUK.COM.TR>
Subject: Cat recipe (#1) Off. to cat-fans
 
Paul Benoit said, concerning the things that men know:
>-- Men know that the reason men don't like cats is
>      because they don't know how to cook them.
 
I beg to differ. I have 365.25 recipes for cat.
Here's one of my favorites:
 
It's an ancient Anatolian treat. Here's the recipe, translated from
the Lydian:

 * Pisidian cat kebab a la Hacilar *
 
 1 cat
 1 knife (flint preferred)
 fresh potter's clay
 fresh aromatic herbs
 1 carrot (scraped)
 1 potter's kiln
 1 mallet
  
 Gut but do not skin cat. (This part is easier if you kill the
 cat first.) Fill the abdominal cavity with fresh herbs. Insert
 the carrot in the anal vent. Arrange cat in interesting position
 and then completely coat with potter's clay to form a statue
 keeping as close as possible to the original outlines. Allow
 clay to dry to leather-hardness. At this point the surface may
 be lightly incised to depict the cat's eyes, nose, mouth,
 whiskers, etc. Fire in kiln. Remove. Allow to cool somewhat
 before bringing to table. Whack head of terra-catta statue with
 mallet breaking the ceramic shell. (This by the way is the
 origin of the Mexican pinata.) As the fur will have adhered to
 the inside of the shell, the cat will emerge completely skinned
 and juicy-tender.
 
 Serve with a green salad and plenty of fresh-baked bread. A
 simple rose goes best with cat however an unpretentious young
 red is also to be recommended.
 
 Enjoy!
 
                    -Bob Istanbul
 
 
http://www.geocities.com/Athens/Ithaca/5309/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 10 Nov 1998 21:50:09 +0100
From:    Theo Legters <tlegters@WIREHUB.NL>
Subject: on the beach <adult>
 
A woman was floating in the  Mediterranian Sea towards the French
coast. A Frenchman drew her on the beach, she was unconscious. The
saviour ran away to get help. When he returned to the nearly
drowned lady, lying on the beach, he spots a man lying on top of
the woman, trying to 'do it'. 'He,' shouts the Frenchman, 'what are
you doing! She nearly drowned, is unconsious and you are...'
 
'I'm sorry', said the man, standing up, 'I thought she was
American.'
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 10 Nov 1998 18:17:41 -0500
From:    "William E. Grover" <g7718769@IDT.NET>
Subject: Lawyer jokes <offensive to lawyers>
 
What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
    * A tick falls off of you when you die.
 
Why does the bar association prohibit sex between lawyers and
their clients?
    * To prevent clients from being billed twice for what is
      essentially the same service.
 
What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in
sand?
    * Not enough sand.
 
What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
    * A Doberman.
 
What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
    * One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.
 
Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest
stamps?
    * They had pictures of lawyers on them... and people couldn't
      figure out which side to spit on.
 
What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane?
    * Skeet.
 
Do you know what happens when a lawyer takes Viagra?
    * He gets taller.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 10 Nov 1998 17:28:34 -0800
From:    Randall Woodman <rwoodman@HOME.COM>
Subject: The Monkey
 
There was this monkey that had been trained in a laboratory to eat
using a fork.  The monkey called the fork his "three-point-tool"
because it had the three points.
 
One day, he escaped back to the jungle, taking his three point tool
with him.  However, he lost it, and so he set out to find it.
 
First he went up to a giraffe.  "Hello Giraffe" said the monkey. 
"Have you seen my three point tool?"
 
"No" said the giraffe.  "I haven't seen your three point tool."
 
Then he went up to a zebra.  "Hello Zebra" said the monkey.  "Have
you seen my three point tool?"
 
"No" said the zebra.  "I haven't seen your three point tool."
 
Then he went up to a jaguar.  "Hello Jaguar" said the monkey.
"Have you seen my three point tool?"
 
"Yes" said the jaguar.   "I ate it."
 
"You ate it!?" cried the monkey.
 
"Yes" said the jaguar.  "I'm a three point tool eater jaguar."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 10 Nov 1998 19:45:58 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: The Undertakers (Pun)
 
Undertakers Mal and Mel were storing embalming fluid. It was
considered appropriate to place it in an area out of sight. Mel had
his share stored promptly but there was still a good portion left
for Mal to take care of.
 
When asked why he had not just stored it all, Mel said...
"The rest is for Mal to hide.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 11 Nov 1998 09:49:57 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMCLTD.COM>
Subject: The Remedy? <adult>
 
Did you hear about the overweight woman that went to her doctor
complaining about her lack of a sex life?
 
"I have a solution" said the doctor.
 
"Diet and everything will be okay"
 
"What colour" asked the woman.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 10 Oct 1998 22:24:24 -0700
From:    Sue Birkenseer <Sue@CIRCUSPREPRESS.COM>
Subject: Omni's Theories on Anything

Here are the results from Omni Magazine's contest asking people to
submit their theories on anything.
 
          GRAND PRIZE WINNER
When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast
is dropped, it always lands with the buttered side facing down. I
propose to strap buttered toast to the back of a cat; the two will
hover, spinning inches above the ground .  With a giant buttered
cat array, a high-speed monorail could easily link New York with
Chicago.
 
          RUNNER-UP #1:
If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite number of
pickup trucks fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an
infinite number of highway signs, they will eventually produce all
the world's great literary works in Braille.
 
          RUNNER-UP #2:
Why Yawning Is Contagious:  You yawn to equalize the pressure on
your eardrums. This pressure change outside your eardrums
unbalances other people's ear pressures, so they must yawn to even
it out.
 
          RUNNER-UP #3:
Communist China is technologically underdeveloped because they have
no alphabet and therefore cannot use acronyms to communicate ideas
at a faster rate.
 
          RUNNER-UP #4:
The earth may spin faster on its axis due to deforestation.  Just
as a  figure skater's rate of spin increases when the arms are
brought in close to the body, the cutting of tall trees may cause
our planet to spin dangerously fast.
 
          HONORABLE MENTION:
The quantity of consonants in the English language is constant.
If omitted in one place, they turn up in another. When a Bostonian
"pahks" his "cah," the lost r's migrate southwest, causing a Texan
to "warsh" his car and invest in "erl" wells.
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 10 Nov 1998 to 11 Nov 1998
************************************************
 
