HUMOR Digest - 9 Nov 1998 to 10 Nov 1998
There are 9 messages totalling 434 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. The Senior Set
  2. Personal Ads
  3. Pancake Breakfast
  4. In The news
  5. froglike <Explicit adult>
  6. Men Know.... <adult>
  7. Top5 - 11/9/98 - Items on Newt's To-Do List (fwd)
  8. PUNY Riddles
  9. Punjab Airways <clean>
 
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Date:    Mon, 9 Nov 1998 04:00:58 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: The Senior Set
 
* Ever wonder why older women don't bother with "see through"
  nitegowns -- they don't know any men who can see thru it.
                        - - - - -
 
* An older woman doesn't have to worry much about "making-up"
  her face -- instead, she assembles it.
                        - - - - -
 
* The ladies can always tell when a man has reached his senior
  years.  He talks more about pension that he does passion.
                        - - - - -
 
* Boy: "Grandpa, why don't you get a hearing aid ?"
  Man: "Don't need one.  I hear more than I understand now."
                        - - - - -
 
* I have this one neighbor who won't admit how old she is. But
  from what I understand, she sat on the jury that tried Cain
  for killing Abel.
                        - - - - -
 
* In the US some older men are starting second families when
  they're well past 60.  Well... maybe it's not a bad idea at
  that -- I mean they're up 10 times a nite anyway.
                        - - - - -
 
* An old maid was complaining to the police about an obscene
  phone call:  "... and for an hour and a half, that terrible
  man was saying the filthiest things he wanted to do to me."
                        - - - - -
 
* One of the hardest things for people to admit is when they've
  become a "Senior Citizen".  Well... let me tell ya, when you
  say "Why bother ?" instead of "Why not ?" -- you're there !
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Indexed UGA Humor Digests 1997-1998:
     (text)  www2.crosswinds.net/baltimore/~jimjr
      (zip)  www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
 
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Date:    Mon, 9 Nov 1998 07:02:20 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Personal Ads
 
    The real meaning behind the abbreviations in personal ads:
 
 FIRST THE WOMEN
 
 40-ish.................. 48
 Adventurer.............. Has had more partners than you ever will
 Athletic................ Flat-chested
 Average looking......... Ugly
 Beautiful............... Pathological liar
 Contagious Smile........ Bring your penicillin
 Educated................ College dropout
 Emotionally Secure...... Medicated
 Feminist................ Fat; ball buster
 Free spirit............. Substance user
 Friendship first........ Trying to live down reputation as slut
 Fun..................... Annoying
 Gentle.................. Comatose
 Good Listener........... Borderline Autistic
 New-Age................. All body hair, all the time
 Old-fashioned........... Lights out, missionary position only
 Open-minded............. Desperate
 Outgoing................ Loud
 Passionate.............. Loud
 Poet.................... Depressive Schizophrenic
 Professional............ Real Witch
 Redhead................. Shops the Clairol section
 Reubenesque............. Grossly Fat
 Romantic................ Looks better by candle light
 Voluptuous.............. Very Fat
 Weight proportional to height..................Hugely Fat
 Wants Soulmate.......... One step away from stalking
 Widow................... Nagged first husband to death
 Young at heart.......... Toothless crone
 
 
 THE MALE SIDE OF THE LIST
 
 40-ish.................. 52 and looking for 25-yr-old
 Athletic................ Sits on the couch and watches ESPN
 Average looking......... Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, & back
 Educated................ Will always treat you like an idiot
 Free Spirit............. Sleeps with your sister
 Friendship first........ As long as friendship involves nudity
 Fun..................... Good with a remote and a six pack
 Good looking............ Arrogant
 Honest.................. Pathological Liar
 Huggable................ Overweight, more body hair than a bear
 Like to cuddle.......... Insecure, overly dependent
 Mature.................. Until you get to know him
 Open-minded............. Wants to sleep with your sister but she's
                          not interested
 Physically fit.......... I spend a lot of time in front of mirror
                          admiring myself
 Poet.................... Has written on a bathroom stall
 Spiritual............... Once went to church with his grandmother
                          on Easter Sunday
 Stable.................. Occasional stalker, but never arrested
 Thoughtful.............. Says "Please" when demanding a beer
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 9 Nov 1998 08:19:22 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Pancake Breakfast
 
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, Ryan, 3.
The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their
mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were
sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake.
I can wait.'
 
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
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Date:    Mon, 9 Nov 1998 09:19:18 -0600
From:    RANEBOUX <wett@GS.VERIO.NET>
Subject: In The news
 
The U.S. Food and Drug Administration Thursday approved Actiq,
a new cancer pain drug in the form of a lollipop.
 
Now, if they can just get Prozac in the shape of a breast,
the world will be rid of psychiatry.
 
 
http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/Delta/9989/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 9 Nov 1998 16:08:24 +0100
From:    Theo Legters <tlegters@WIREHUB.NL>
Subject: froglike <Explicit adult>
 
The lovely princess meets a frog near the royal pond. "Are you a
frog that has to be kissed to become a handsome prince again?",
she asks him.
 
"That's my brother", replies the frog, "me you have to give a blow
job."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 9 Nov 1998 10:09:45 -0500
From:    Paul Benoit <Paul_Benoit@SPEEDLINE.COOKSON.COM>
Subject: Men Know.... <adult>
 
-- Men know that Mother Nature's best aphrodisiac
       is still a naked  woman.
-- Men know that PMS is Mother Nature's way
       of telling you to get out of the house.
-- Men know that if she looks like your mother, run!
-- Men know that there are at least three sides
      to every story:  his, hers, and the truth.
-- Men know never to run away from a fight
      that you know you can win.
-- Men know that cats are evil and cannot be trusted.
-- Men know how to change the toilet paper,
       but to do so would ruin the game.
-- Men know exactly how much gas is left in the tank
       and how far that gas will get them.
-- Men know that from time to time, it is absolutely
       necessary to adjust oneself.
-- Men know that a woman will wear a low-cut dress
       and expect the man to stare at her cleavage.
       Men also know that the woman will get ticked off
       when they do, for reasons not totally clear to them.
-- Men know that the reason men don't like cats is
      because they don't know how to cook them.
-- Men know that there is no such thing as a sure thing,
      unless her name is Bambi...
-- Men know that it's never a good idea to tell
      your father-in-law how good his daughter is in bed.
-- Men know that men are from here,
      and women are from way the hell over there.
 
 
          -via Clint.Heine
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 9 Nov 1998 15:17:12 -0500
From:    John Vogel <jvogel@DGS.DGSYS.COM>
Subject: Top5 - 11/9/98 - Items on Newt's To-Do List (fwd)
 
       T  H  E     T  O  P     F  I  V  E     L  I  S  T
                       November 9, 1998
 
  BACKGROUND:  In the aftermath of the dismal showing by the
  Republican Party in last week's elections, Newt Gingrich,
  chief architect of the Republicans' "Contract With America,"
  announced that he will retire from Congress rather than risk
  the embarrassment of being ousted by his own party from his
  position as Speaker of the U.S. House of Representatives.
 
         The Top 13 Items on Newt Gingrich's To-Do List
 
13> Bribe college officials into letting me teach an ethics
    class.
 
12> Before turning in House MasterCard, book first class
    tickets for urgent fact-finding mission to Tahiti.
 
11> 1) Borrow another $300,000 from Bob Dole
    2) Go to The Gap
    3) Buy Trans Am
    4) Grow goatee
    5) Hire interns.
 
10> Switch to new, cooler nickname: "Salamander"
 
 9> Now that I've got some time, put flowers on first wife's
    grave.
 
 8> Nothing out of the ordinary: Write a few articles, make
    a couple of luncheon speeches, do some needlepoint.
 
 7> Dismantle social programs: Done.
    Restructure tax laws to further benefit the
       wealthy: Done.
    Have democratically-elected President impeached for
       getting some: ...Damn!
 
 6> Put a stop payment on most recent check to Paula Jones.
 
 5> Retain lawyer for breach of contract suit against Satan.
 
 4> Promote newest book:  "Quitting for Dummies"
 
 3> Reduce dosage of mean-bastard pills.
 
 2> Call Limbaugh and Buchanan about "3 Windbags" mega-tour.
 
    and Top5's Number 1 Item on Newt Gingrich's To-Do List...
 
 1> Tell Democrats that their lips "can make a contract
    with my ass."
 
 
   [           This list copyright 1998 by Chris White            ]
   [  The Top 5 List   top5@gmbweb.com    http://www.topfive.com  ]
   [      To forward or repost, please include this section.      ]
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 9 Nov 1998 19:16:27 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: PUNY Riddles
 
46. Why is the zebra is a fitting national animal for South Africa?
 
47. What happened to the musician that robbed the bank?
 
48. If you're going down the street and suddenly a mirage of a
    fence appears in your path, what is it you're seeing?
 
49. Why do fugitives leaving the country always go to Canada?
 
50. What is the name of the fish-gilled humanoid who is able to
    swim through high octane gasoline?
                         - - - - - - - - - - 
                             Answers
 
 
46. It has an op-art hide (By Stan Kegel)
 
47. He made off with the lute (by Cyn MacG)
 
48. An obstacle illusion (by Cyn MacG)
 
49. Because it is the only place they have Toronto. (To run to)
 
          -By Stan Kegel
 
50. Ethyl Mer-man!
 
          -By Gary Hallock
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 10 Nov 1998 09:40:11 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMCLTD.COM>
Subject: Punjab Airways <clean>
 
ENJOY your journey while it lasts. -  An announcement in Punjab
Airways :
 
"Good morning, Ladies and Gentlemen. This is your very handsome
captain Banta Singh welcoming you to Punjab Airways.  Sorry we are
four days late in taking off but I had to do some overtime at the
bakery. This is the one two six  flight to New Delhi.  We cannot
guarantee that we will end up in Delhi but rest assured it will be
some where in the  East. And if you are very lucky we may even be
landing on your village!  A real Punjabi will land where he wants
to, isn't that right brothers! Today we have 12 passengers on the
plane - which is a bit of a problem because we only have 5 seats!
 
Hmmm. For safety reasons we will be counting all the passengers
again during and after the flight.  We have a very good record for
safety. In fact We are so safe even the terrorists are afraid to
fly with us! I am pleased to tell you that over 50% of our
passengers end up at their destination. For those of you who don't
make it, don't worry, our staff have lots of experience consoling
the next-of-kin. If, however,you are still worried then ask
Stewardess Bubbly to tell you about our out of court settlements.
We will do everything to make your journey an enjoyable one and
even a surviving one!
 
If our engines are too noisy for you, don't worry, we'll turn them
off!
 
We even make your fall to earth pleasant by serving complimentary
tea during free-fall!
 
And for our religious passengers, we are  the only airline who can
help you find out if there really is a God!
 
Sadly, today's in-flight movie will not be shown because my son
forgot to record it from the television. But if you really want to
see a film then we will be glad to fly next to Air India so that
you can look at their movie through the window.
 
Although there is no-smoking in this aeroplane, you may find that
during the flight you can see smoke in the cabin. Don't worry your
good minds over this! It is only the early warning system on the
engines telling us to slow down!  Yes, we are very advanced at
Punjab Airways.
 
Not only do we provide you with a life jacket but we also give a
free bathing costume to the aunties and a swimming short to the
uncles!
 
Some airlines are happy to fly thousands of feet over landmarks but
not Punjab Airways! For your pleasure we try to get as close as
possible for the best view. If, however, we go a little too close
then please let us know.  Our co-pilot sometimes becomes too
enthusiastic. Remember that guy who crashed into the White House,
well it is the same bloke!
 
Now kindly sit on your seat and tie your belt. For those of you who
can't find a belt please tie your own leather belt to the door
handle. And for those of you who can't find a seat, sit on your
suitcase instead.

 
Sorry, but I won't be flying with you today because I have to
attend my nephew's wedding. But please make yourself at home and
help yourself to the cockpit. Thank you for choosing Punjab
Airways.
 
We guarantee that we may not always take you on a flight but we'll
definitely take you for a ride!"
 
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End of HUMOR Digest - 9 Nov 1998 to 10 Nov 1998
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