HUMOR Digest - 8 Nov 1998 to 9 Nov 1998
There are 9 messages totalling 299 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. The Ghost(Pun)
  2. JimJr's Observations
  3. Something To Think About
  4. POOR MilDRED
  5. Sins of Omission!!??
  6. Ludicrous comments and questions about contemporary life
  7. Pearls of Wisdom <clean>
  8. Boll Weevils (Pun)
  9. Food-Chain <adult pun>
 
-------------------------------------------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 7 Nov 1998 23:17:31 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: The Ghost(Pun)
 
A friend of mine once spent a night in an old house that reputedly
was haunted by the spirit of Sir John de Birmingham. He did this
for a bet, armed only with advice on what to do should he encounter
Sir John. He must hum a certain passage by Mozart, but under no
circumstances. leave it unfinished or the wretched wraith would
then wreak terrible vengeance. Should he succeed in completing the
passage, Sir John would leave him in peace.
 
All went well until the stroke of three. Suddenly, the phantom
appeared! Prepared for this, my friend began to hum quietly but
precisely the passage, as he had been taught. Nearing its end, he
was relieved to note that Sir John's features were placid.
Suddenly, however, a second spirit appeared over Sir John's head!
This caused my friend to lose his concentration and leave the
passage unfinished. An unearthly snarl burst from the ethereal lips
of Sir John followed by a stream of curses. In terror, my poor
friend fled from the house.
 
I paid a visit recently to see him. He is now bald and toothless,
wasted and bedridden. Curiously, as I was going into his house, I
met at his gate the man who had been the other party to the bet on
that fateful night. After, being shown into our friend's room, we
both leaned over his bed to cat catch the wheezed greeting.
 
Tell me," pleaded the poor soul, "What did I do to deserve this?
 
The other man thought for a moment and then asked gently...  Did
your shooing hum lose its quaver on the dead ghost over knight?
 
          -By Sir Richard Burton
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 8 Nov 1998 03:16:35 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: JimJr's Observations
 
* Personally, I think that people who say they wish they had
  their lives to live over again, probably shouldn't anyway.
 
* Wonder why it is that people who can make fools out of
  themselves are such excellent craftsmen.
 
* People who say they never repeat themselves probably got it
  trite the first time.
 
* Always be on guard -- even the "milk of human kindness" could
  contain germs.
 
* If you get into a tug-of-war with life -- make sure you're not
  one of the jerks.
 
* People who say they've learned from their mistakes should have
  studied more for the test in the first place.
 
* In the US, they have a society that freezes bodies.  I think
  I've run into some Yuppettes who are charter members.
 
* As I reflect upon on my past, the thing I regret the most...
  is its length.
 
* The way some people find fault with every damn thing in life,
  you'd think there was a reward.
 
* Even as I age, I still consider myself a "go-getter"...
  of course now, I have to make two trips.
 
* The best way I know of to "save face" when losing an argument
  is to keep the lower portion of it shut.
 
* Trust me, when humans were created, I believe there was a very
  good reason why the body was configured so that ya cannot pat
  yourself on the back.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 8 Nov 1998 09:08:36 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Something To Think About
 
A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo.
When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the
back that are killed first.
 
This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the
general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the
regular culling of the weakest members.
 
In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as
the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know,
kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest
brain cells first.
 
In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker
brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
 
That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 8 Nov 1998 09:06:43 -0600
From:    RANEBOUX <wett@GS.VERIO.NET>
Subject: POOR MilDRED
 
Poor Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly
despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl.  She decided
she would just kill herself and join him in death.
 
Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she
took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot
herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first
place.  Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable
and burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as
to just exactly where the heart would be.
 
"On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your
left breast."
 
Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a
gunshot wound to her left knee.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 8 Nov 1998 10:08:02 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Sins of Omission!!??
 
Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly
Gates. St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now but our
computer's down. You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week
but you  can't go back as humans. What'll it be?"
 
The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring
above  the Rocky mountains."  "So be it," says St. Peter and off
flies the first priest.
 
The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will any
of this week 'count', St. Peter?"  "No, I told you the computer's
down.  There's no way we can keep track of what you're doing. The
week's a freebie."  "In that case," says the second priest, "I've
always wanted to be a stud." "So be it," says St. Peter and the
second priest disappears.
 
A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter
to recall the two priests. "Will you have any trouble locating
them?" He  asks. "The first one should be easy," says St. Peter.
"He's somewhere  over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the
second one could prove  to be more difficult."
 
"Why?" asketh the Lord. St. Peter answered, "He's on a snow tire
somewhere in Alaska."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 8 Nov 1998 17:14:44 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Ludicrous comments and questions about contemporary life
 
Where do vampires learn to suck blood? Law School.
 
I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day.
Tomorrow is not looking good either.
 
Does a gallon of whole milk weigh more than a gallon of skim milk?
 
I just encountered another rude teenager wearing a "What Would
Jesus Do" band t-shirt, and I wonder whether I should have told her
how he would treat his customers.
 
When I get mad, I eat a bag of potato chips and let the chips fall
where they may.
 
If NASA really wanted some good PR, they'd send a super model up in
the shuttle.
 
John Glenn says he's enjoying it more this time because the flight
is in color.
 
I'm not a hunter. I am a Wildlife Overpopulation Specialist.
 
The problems in society started when wives stopped saying yes.
 
I had a blind date and woman walked by. I said, "Are you Edith?"
She replied, "Are you Jerry?" I said, "Yes." She said, "Then I'm
not Edith."
 
My time choice is standard in the morning and daylight savings at
night.
 
I was walking through Atlanta's Little Five Points this weekend
when I realized that all noncomformists look and dress alive.
 
Isn't it a bit odd for someone to keep a glamour shot photo of
themselves on their desk at work.
 
 
Source: http://www.atlanta.com/news/thevent
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 9 Nov 1998 09:53:27 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMCLTD.COM>
Subject: Pearls of Wisdom <clean>
 
Two friends met.  "You look sad, Fred, what's the trouble?"
asked the first friend.
 
"Domestic trouble."
 
"But you always bragged that your wife is a pearl."
 
"She still is.  It's the mother-of-pearl that makes all the
trouble.'
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 8 Nov 1998 20:29:45 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Boll Weevils (Pun)
 
For many generations a family had raised cotton in a lush southern
valley. Unfortunately, the boll weevil came to call and for three
seasons their crop was wiped out. The younger members of the family
urged their patriarch to leave the cursed valley which was driving
them to ruin but he refused, saying...  "Though I live in the
valley in the shadow of debt, I will fear no weevil! 
 
          -By Herb Silverman
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 9 Nov 1998 12:10:20 +0530
From:    "Ashish Sharma, Gurgaon" <ashish@GGN.HCLTECH.COM>
Subject: Food-Chain <adult pun>
 
There was this frog in the lake who was eyeing a fly hovering over
the pond and thinking, "If this fly drops two inches, I can jump
and get her".
 
There is a fox waiting by the side of the pond in the bushes and
thinking, "if the fly drops two inches, and the frog jumps to catch
it, I can get the frog".
 
There is a hunter on the other side of the pond, eating a cheese
sandwich and thinking, "If the fly drops two inches, and frog jumps
to catch it and the fox comes out to catch the frog, I can shoot
the fox."
 
There is a mouse nearby, who is thinking, "If the fly drops two
inches, the frog jumps to catch the fly, the fox jumps to catch the
frog and the hunter puts down his cheese sandwich to shoot the fox,
I can get the sandwich."
 
There is a cat behind, who is thinking, "If the frog drops two
inches, the frog jumps and the fox jumps and the hunter shoots, and
the mouse jumps to take the sandwich, I will jump and get the
mouse."
 
Then it happens....
 
The fly drops two inches, the frog jumps to catch the fly, the fox
jumps to catch the frog, the hunter puts down the cheese sandwich
to shoot the fox, the mouse jumps to take the sandwich, the cat
jumps to catch the mouse. But the cat misses and lands into the
water.
 
What is the moral of the story?
 
Moral: When the fly drops two inches, the pussy gets wet.
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 8 Nov 1998 to 9 Nov 1998
**********************************************
 
