HUMOR Digest - 7 Nov 1998 to 8 Nov 1998There are 5 messages
totalling 224 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Howard County Weather
  2. Mona Lisa (Pun)
  3. Pillsbury Dough Boy Wanted for Attempted Murder
  4. Aimless Thoughts
  5. Children on Science (clean)
 
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Date:    Sat, 7 Nov 1998 03:03:36 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Howard County Weather
 
* Because of the lay of the land, it gets quite windy in Glenelg.
  When the old timers say it's gonna be in the 50's, they're not
  talking about the temperature, but the wind velocity.
                           - - - - -
 
* While the winds here sometimes get rather gusty, they do have
  some side benefits.  On a lot of days, I can mow a good part of
  the lawn with the tractor in neutral.
                           - - - - -
 
*   While a tornado is rare in Howard County we have had a few.
  After the last one I called my one neighbor and asked if his barn
  was damaged, as the funnel cloud had touched down near there.
    He replied, "Don't know Jim.  Ain't found it yet."
                           - - - - -
 
* With Fall here now I know winter isn't far behind.  Studying the
  weather, I've come to realize that all of our cold air comes
  from Canada.  Speaking as an engineer, I wonder why no one has
  ever thought to weather-strip the damn border.
                           - - - - -
 
* The old timers say you can predict the weather in Howard County
  by the thickness of the squirrels' tails.  Never mind all that --
  I'm really worried !!!  Yesterday I saw a squirrel burying a can
  of Sterno along with the acorns he'd gathered.
                           - - - - -
 
*   It was so hot in Glenelg Maryland this past summer, I liked
  to keep the air conditioning at a level of 72 degrees, so you
  could feel the coolness as soon as ya walked in the house.
    Mrs JimJr claimed it was so cold in the house, every time she
  opened the front door, the foyer light came on.
 
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Indexed UGA Humor Digests 1997-1998:
     (text)  www2.crosswinds.net/baltimore/~jimjr
      (zip)  www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
 
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Date:    Sat, 7 Nov 1998 00:18:29 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Mona Lisa (Pun)
 
Shortly after the great Leonardo Da Vinci had finished painting his
Mona Lisa, his model was being interviewed by the local press. When
they all wanted to know if that coy and mysterious smile had been
difficult for her to maintain, she replied,  Not really. At the
beginning of each session, Leo would slip me a little vino. After
that...  it was all in a dazed smirk.
 
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Date:    Sat, 7 Nov 1998 07:48:12 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Pillsbury Dough Boy Wanted for Attempted Murder
 
A woman named Linda went to Arkansas last week to visit her
in-laws, and while there, went to a store. She parked next to a
car with a woman sitting in it, her eyes closed and hands behind
her head, apparently sleeping.
 
When Linda came out a while later, she again saw the woman, her
hands still behind her head but with her eyes open. The woman
looked very strange, so Linda tapped on the window and said "Are
you okay?"
 
The woman answered "I've been shot in the head, and I am holding my
brains in."
 
Linda didn't know what to do; so she ran into the store where store
officials called the paramedics. They had to break into the car
because the door was locked. When they got in, they found that the
woman had bread dough on the back of her head and in her hands. A
Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded, apparently from the heat
in the car, making a loud explosion like that of a gunshot, and hit
her in the head. When she reached back to find what it was, she
felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She passed out from
fright at first, then when she regained consciousness, attempted to
hold her brains in!
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
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Date:    Sat, 7 Nov 1998 08:33:26 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Aimless Thoughts
 
 *Life is sexually transmitted.
 
 * Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back
   seat cause kids.
 
 * It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop
   at the  end.
 
 * The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
 
 * It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
 
 * Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip
   around the sun.
 
 * The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're
   in the bathroom.
 
 * If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my
   knees.
 
 * Never knock on Death's door; ring the doorbell and run (he hates
  that).
 
 * Lead me not into temptation (I can find my own way).
 
 * When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone
   else decide to play chess?
 
 * If you're living on the edge, make sure you're wearing your seat
   belt.
 
 * The mind is like a parachute; it works much better when it's
   open.
 
 * Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
 
 * An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
 
 * A closed mouth gathers no feet.
 
 * Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can
   die.
 
 * It's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere.
 
 * Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better
   attorney.
 
 * The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
 
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Date:    Wed, 7 Oct 1998 09:51:21 -0700
From:    Sue Birkenseer <Sue@CIRCUSPREPRESS.COM>
Subject: Children on Science (clean)
 
     (This was forwarded to me from someone who had had it
      forwarded to them. Not sure who put it all together
      originally.)
 
                    Children on Science
 
The beguiling ideas about science quoted here were gleaned from
essays, exams, and class room discussions. Most were from fifth
and sixth-graders. They illustrate Mark Twain's contention that
the "most interesting information comes from children, for they
tell all they know and then stop."
 
One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse
500 feet in one second.
 
When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed
with atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed
with explosions.
 
When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy.
When planets do it we say they are orbiting.
 
While the earth seems to be knowingly keeping its distance from the
sun, it is really only centrificating.
 
Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to
change back into a sun in the daytime.
 
A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it
wants to go.
 
Many dead animals of the past changed to fossils, others preferred
to be oil.
 
Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know
they're there.
 
Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun.
But I have never been able to make out the numbers.
 
We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation.
Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to
put the top on.
 
I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do
it, and that is the important thing.
 
In making rain water, it takes everything from H to O.
 
Rain is saved up in cloud banks.
 
Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dog's tongue will
kill the strongest man.
 
Thunder is a rich source of loudness.
 
Isotherms and isobars are even more important than their names
sound.
 
It is so hot in some parts of the world that the people there
have to live other places.
 
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End of HUMOR Digest - 7 Nov 1998 to 8 Nov 1998
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