HUMOR Digest - 6 Nov 1998 to 7 Nov 1998
There are 14 messages totalling 635 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Columbia Maryland
  2. Differences Between Men & Women
  3. Family Tree
  4. How to kill an eel <adult>
  5. LAWYERS <adult, off. to... hmm, who cares?!>
  6. Copywrite Explained (Puns)
  7. Let's All Welcome Glenn Home..
  8. <humor> Misdirected E-Mail
  9. Snide questions and comments about American politics
 10. Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline
 11. Proud to be a Minnesotan
 12. Top5 - 11/6/98 - Signs Your Radio Shrink Posed Nude
 13. Barber <clean>
 14. Newt Gingrich (off. to Dr. Laura)
 
-------------------------------------------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 6 Nov 1998 03:02:48 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Columbia Maryland
 
* Two Yuppettes were lunching when a non-member of the "in crowd"
  passed by.  One commented to the other: "I don't like her and
  judging from the things I've said about her, I'm sure I never
  will either."
                           - - - - -
 
* Two aging Yuppies were "girl watching" at the Mall.  As one
  beauty walked by with her college sweatshirt on, one gent
  nudged the other and said, "Ahhh, look at that, Vassar '83.
  That was an excellent year for women."
                           - - - - -
 
* The lil' Yuppette decided to perform some community service
  and was visiting the elderly in the Howard County Hospital.
  She came upon one older lady who obviously needed cheering-up.
  Smiling, the Yuppette said, "Well... you don't look as if
  you'll be with us much longer."
                           - - - - -
 
* Recently there was a fire at one of the luxury hotels in
  Columbia Maryland.  Property damage was slight, but a few
  couples were taken to Howard County General Hospital to be
  treated for smoke inhalation.  The hotel management refused
  to release the names of the couples stating, "We always try
  to be as discreet as possible about such matters."
                           - - - - -
 
* Maryland is experimenting with "Traffic Circles" which are
  supposed to expedite flow and eliminate traffic signals.  A
  Howard County Policemen is usually stationed to direct the
  traffic the first few days.  After noticing a woman trapped
  in the inner-most lane, the officer stopped all the traffic
  and allowed her to cross to the outer-most lane, so she could
  exit.  He bowed gallantly when she thanked him and replied,
  "I should really liked to have seen more of you... but with
  all these people about..."
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Indexed UGA Humor Digests 1997-1998:
     (text)  www2.crosswinds.net/baltimore/~jimjr
      (zip)  www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
 
To subscribe:
     Send an e-mail to: listserv@listserv.uga.edu
     leave the subject area blank; in the BODY of the
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 6 Nov 1998 07:13:57 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Differences Between Men & Women
 
NICKNAMES: If Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle go out for lunch,
they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle. But
if Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will
affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla,
Peanut-Head and Useless.
 
EATING OUT: And when the check comes, Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack will
each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of
them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they
want change back. When the girls get their check, out come the
pocket calculators.
 
BATHROOMS: A man has six items in his bathroom-a toothbrush,
shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the
Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's
bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these
items.
 
GROCERIES: A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes
out to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only
items left in his fridge are half a lime and a soda. Then he goes
grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a
man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than
the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not
stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.
 
SHOES: When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool
suit, then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes
in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put
on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off
because her feet are under the desk. A man will wear the same pair
of shoes all day.
 
CATS: Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women
aren't looking, men kick cats.
 
DRESSING UP: A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the
plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the
mail. A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.
 
LAUNDRY: Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear
every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants
that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry.
When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt
inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the
Laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the
Laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes
of "Love, American Style."
 
OFFSPRING: Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She
knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and
best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and
dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the
house.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 6 Nov 1998 08:19:34 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Family Tree
 
The Smith's were proud of their family tradition.  Their ancestors
had come to America on the Mayflower.  Their line had included
Senators and Wall Street wizards.
 
Now they decided to compile a family history, a legacy for the
children.  They hired a fine author.  Only one problem arose --
how to handle that great-uncle who was executed in the electric
chair.
 
The author said he could handle that chapter of history tactfully.
 
The book appeared.  It said that "Great-uncle George occupied a
chair of applied electronics at an important government
institution, was attached to his position by the strongest of ties.
And his death came as a real shock."
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 6 Nov 1998 14:17:50 GMT
From:    Catweasel <catweasel@CATWEASEL.ORG>
Subject: How to kill an eel <adult>
 
Little Johnny was 8 years old and like other boys was rather
curious. He had been hearing about courting from older boys and
he wondered what it was and how it was done. One day he took his
question to his mother, who became rather flustered and instead
of explaining things to Johnny she told him to hide behind the
curtains one night and catch his older sister and her boyfriend.
And this he did. The following morning Johnny described everything
to his mother...
 
Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while. Then he turned
off most of the lights. Next he started kissing and hugging her. I
figured sis must be getting sick because her face started looking
funny. He must have thought so too because he put his hand inside
her blouse to feel her heart. Just like a doctor would except he's
not as good as a doctor because he seemed to have trouble finding
her heart.
 
I guess he was sick too, because pretty soon both of them were
panting and getting out of breath. His other hand must have gotten
cold because he put it under her skirt. About that time sis got
worse and began to moan and sigh and squirm around sliding down
towards the end of the couch. This was when the fever started. I
knew it was a fever because sis told him she felt really hot.
 
Finally I found out what was making them sick. A big eel had gotten
into his pants. Somehow it jumped out of his pants and stood there
about 10 inches long. Honest. Anyway, he grabbed it in his hands to
keep it from getting away.
 
Then sis saw it. She started calling out to God and things like
that. She said it was the biggest one she had seen. I should have
told her about the ones down in the river. Anyway sis got brave and
tried to kill it by biting its head off. All of a sudden she made a
noise and let the eel go. I guess it bit her back.
 
Then she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took
out a muzzle from his pocket and slipped it over the eels head to
keep it from biting her again. She lay back and spread her legs so
she could get a scissor lock on it and he helped by lying on top of
the eel. The eel put up a good fight. Sis started groaning and
squalling and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. They had killed
the eel. I knew he was dead because he just hung there and some of
its guts were hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend were tired from
the battle but they went on courting.
 
He started hugging and kissing her again. BY GOLLY!!! The eel
wasn't dead! It started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats
and have nine lives or something. This time sis tried to kill it by
sitting on it. After a few minutes they finally killed the eel. I
knew it was dead because I saw sis's boyfriend peel off the skin
and flush it down the toilet."
 
 
http://www.catweasel.org
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 6 Nov 1998 09:13:34 -0500
From:    Paul Benoit <Paul_Benoit@SPEEDLINE.COOKSON.COM>
Subject: LAWYERS <adult, off. to... hmm, who cares?!>
 
A lawyer is talking to his client. He says, "I have some good news,
and I have some bad news."
 
The client says, "I could use some good news. What is it?"
 
"You ex-wife is not making you pay on any further inheritence."
 
"Great! Now what's the bad news?"
 
"Well, uh... she's marrying your father..."
                    ----------------------
 
Q: How do you know when your divorce is getting ugly?
A: When your lawyer doesn't seem like a bloodsucking leech anymore.
                    ----------------------
 
A lawyer was on his death bed in a hospital.  When a friend came to
visit, he found the lawyer frantically leafing through the Bible.
"What are you doing?" the visitor asked.
 
The sick lawyer replies, "Looking for loopholes."
                    ----------------------
 
Q: What do you get if you send a prostitute to law school?
A: A Fucking Know-It-All.
                    ----------------------
 
Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing
lawyers. "So," he said, "I have been presented, by both of you,
with a bribe." Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably. "You, attorney
Tuttle, gave me $15,000. And you, attorney Jones, gave me $10,000."
 
The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a check.  He
handed it to Tuttle. "Now then, I'm returning $5,000, and we're
going to decide this case solely on its merits."
                    ----------------------
 
Q. What's the difference between a baseball player and a lawyer?
A. In baseball, if you're caught stealing, you're out.
                    ----------------------
 
The lawyer's son wanted to follow in his father's footsteps, so
he went to law school. He graduated with honors, and then went
home to join his father's firm. At the end of his first day at work
he rushed into his father's office, and said, "Father, Father, in
one day I broke the accident case that you've been working on for
ten years!"
 
His father responded, "You idiot, we've lived on the funding of
that case for ten years!"
                    ---------------------- 
  
"LAWYERS: Persons who write a 10,000 word document and call it a
 brief."      -Franz Kafka
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 6 Nov 1998 08:33:11 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Copywrite Explained (Puns)
 
When you write copy you have the right to copyright the copy you
write, if the copy is right. If however, your copy falls over, you
must right your copy. If you write religious services you write
rite, and have the right to copyright the rite you write.
 
Very conservative people write right copy, and have the right to
copyright the right copy they write. A right wing cleric would
write right rite, and has the right to copyright the right rite he
has the right to write. His editor has the job of making the right
rite copy right before the copyright can be right.
 
Should Jim Wright decide to write right rite, then Wright would
write right rite, which Wright has the right to copyright.
Duplicating that rite would copy Wright right rite, and violate
copyright, which Wright would have the right to right.
 
Right?
 
                    -By Shelley Herman
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 6 Nov 1998 13:39:30 -0600
From:    RANEBOUX <wett@GS.VERIO.NET>
Subject: Let's All Welcome Glenn Home..
 
When John Glenn returns from space,
everybody dress in Ape suits.
 
We have eight days in which to bury the
Statue of Liberty up to her chest...
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 6 Nov 1998 15:48:45 -0500
From:    Jim Mica <jmica@ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: <humor> Misdirected E-Mail
 
     A businessman from Wisconsin went on a business trip to
Louisiana. Upon arrival, he immediately plugged his laptop into
the hotel room port and sent a short E-mail back home to his wife,
Jennifer Johnson, at her address, JennJohn@world.net.
     Unfortunately, in his haste, he mistyped a letter and the
E-mail ended up going to JeanJohn@world.net, a Jean Johnson in
Duluth, the wife of a preacher who had just passed away and was
buried that day.
     The preacher's wife took one look at the E-mail and promptly
fainted. It read, "Arrived safely, but it sure is hot down here!"
 
                    -Ruth Degankalb
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 6 Nov 1998 17:32:27 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Snide questions and comments about American politics
 
I was going to vote, I really was, but by the time I got all the
mud cleaned off me the polls had already closed.
 
After hearing and reading all the campaign ads, I find it hard
to believe there are any politicians who can complain about the
president being less than honest.
 
If they can put one Democratic senator into space, why can't they
put them all there?
 
Do you think that ear in Clinton's eye during the shuttle takeoff
was genuine or did Hillary catch him looking at another woman and
kick him in the shin?
 
Why is it that opposing the lottery four years ago was the proper
religious thing, but now it's a reason for voting against someone?
Only the Christian Coalition knows.
 
The best thing about the election being over? Now we can go back to
concentrating on Monica's hairstyle!
 
Now that he has lost twice out in California, maybe B-1 Bob Dornan
will moved to Georgia and run for Newt's seat in 2000.
 
Next spring's crops should do real well with all the money we've
spent this fall on manure.
 
Don't blame me, I didn't vote.
 
Is the Minnesota governor-elect real or fake?
 
You conservatives out there can quit worrying about the "dumbing
down of America." The election results prove it's pretty much
complete.
 
Remember the scene in the "Lion King" where the hyenas turn on
Scar, the evil lion, and devour him? That's the Republican House
leadership in the next two weeks.
 
The White House Press Office will deny it, but Bill Clinton broke
down in tears when he learned that a majority of the House
Republicans were prepared to take the Speaker's chair away from
Newt Gingrich.
 
 
Most of these are from: http://www.accessatlanta.com/news/thevent
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 6 Nov 1998 18:22:48 -0500
From:    Peter Beloin <pbeloin@BANET.NET>
Subject: Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline
 
If you are obsessive-compulsive:
   Please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependant:
   Please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities:
   Please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional:
   We know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so
   we can trace your call.
If you are schizophrenic:
   Listen carefully, a little voice will tell you which number to
   press
If you are a manic depressive:
   It doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 6 Nov 1998 19:49:43 -0500
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@LATTE.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Proud to be a Minnesotan
 
 Overnight, Gov. Elect Jesse Ventura announced various appointments
 to his new administration.
 
 Press Secretary- "Mean" Gene Okerlund
 
 Agriculture Commissioner- Kenny "The Sodbuster" Jay
 
 Chairman of 7 County Mosquito Control District- Jimmy "Super Fly"
 Snuka"
 
 Education Commissioner- Bobby "The Brain" Heenan
 
 National Guard Adjutant General- Sargeant Slaughter
 
 Transportation Commissioners- The Road Warriors
 
 Commissioner of the Arts- "Rock and Roll" Buck Zumhofe
 
 Chairman, Gov's Council on Physical Fitness- Jerry Blackwell
 
 Animal Rights Commissioner- "Mad Dog" Vachon
 
 State Title IX Coordinator- "Macho Man" Randy Savage
 
 Tribal Affairs Commissioner- Wahoo McDaniel
 
 Co-Chairs, State Recycling Program- Junkyard Dog and Ray "The
 Crusher" Stevens
 
 Highway Maintenance Engineer- Dusty Rhodes
 
 Trade Envoy to Japan- Mr. Fuji
 
 State Treasurer- "The Million Dollar Man" Ted Diebiase
 
 Chief of Staff and Mentor- Vern Gagne
 
 State Gaming Commissioner- "Black Jack" Lanza
 
 Timber Commission Chairman- Larry "The Axe" Henning
 
 Winter Carnival Coordinator- "Stone Cold" Steve Austin
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 6 Nov 1998 20:52:17 -0500
From:    John Vogel <jvogel@DGS.DGSYS.COM>
Subject: Top5 - 11/6/98 - Signs Your Radio Shrink Posed Nude
 
       T  H  E     T  O  P     F  I  V  E     L  I  S  T
                        November 6, 1998
 
   The Top 13 Signs Your Radio "Psychiatrist" has Posed Nude
 
13> Her station's new slogan: "More Talk, Less Clothes!"
 
12> Her cure for people's fear of public speaking no longer
    requires any imagination.
 
11> Photo on her driver's license taken by Bob Guccione.
 
10> Pompous elitist attitude a direct result of the camera
    making her look 10 lbs. heavier.
 
 9> Her standard on-air greeting: "This is Dr. Laura, and
    I'm naked."
 
 8> Now rails on the importance of keeping all nine commandments.
 
 7> "Hello, this is Dr. Laura Schlessinger.  I am my children's
    hypocritical, adulterous, boney-assed mom."
 
 6> Her nickname in the studio?  "Dr. Bareassinger."
 
 5> That twirling tassel she uses for hypnosis.
 
 4> She ends your session with, "You know, Hef has a couch just
    like this."
 
 3> Insists on being called "Dr. November 1978"
 
 2> Keeps asking, "Does this notepad make my ass look big?"
 
            and Top5's Number 1 Sign Your
        Radio "Psychiatrist" has Posed Nude...
 
 1> Screams "How 'bout them Yankees?!" every time a caller
    mentions nude photos.
 
 
   [           This list copyright 1998 by Chris White            ]
   [  The Top 5 List   top5@gmbweb.com    http://www.topfive.com  ]
   [      To forward or repost, please include this section.      ]
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 6 Nov 1998 20:09:22 -0800
From:    Steven & Susan <sgarrett@NWRAIN.COM>
Subject: Barber <clean>
 
                         Trip to Rome
 
A man walked in to Joe's Barber Shop for his regular haircut. As
he snips away, Joe asks "What's up?"
 
The man proceeds to explain he's taking a vacation to Rome.
 
"ROME?!" Joe says, "Why would you want to go there? It's a crowded
dirty city full of Italians! You'd be crazy to go to Rome! So how
ya getting there?"
 
"We're taking TWA," the man replies.
 
"TWA?!" yells Joe. "They're a terrible airline. Their planes are
old, their flight attendants are ugly and they're always late! So
where you staying in Rome?"
 
The man says "We'll be at the downtown International Marriot."
 
"That DUMP?!" says Joe. "That's the worst hotel in the city! The
rooms are small, the service is surly and slow and they're
overpriced! So whatcha doing when you get there?"
 
The man says "We're going to go see the Vatican and hope to see
the Pope."
 
"HA! That's rich!" laughs Joe. "You and a million other people
trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on
THIS trip. You're going to need it!"
 
A month later, the man comes in for his regular haircut. Joe says,
"Well, how did that trip to Rome turn out? Betcha TWA gave you the
worst flight of your life!"
 
"No, quite the opposite" explained the man. "Not only were we on
time in one of their brand new planes, but it was full and they
bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and
I had a beautiful 28 year old flight attendant who waited on me
hand and foot!"
 
"Hmmm," Joe says, "Well, I bet the hotel was just like I
described."
 
"No, quite the opposite! They'd just finished a $25 million
remodeling. It's the finest hotel in Rome, now. They were
overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the Presidential suite
for no extra charge!"
 
"Well," Joe mumbles, "I KNOW you didn't get to see the Pope!"
 
"Actually, we were quite lucky. As we toured the Vatican, a Swiss
guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained the Pope likes to
personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to
step into this private room and wait, the Pope would personally
greet me. Sure enough, after 5 minutes the Pope walked through the
door and shook my hand. I knelt down as he spoke a few words to
me."
 
Impressed, Joe asks, "Tell me, please! What'd he say?"
 
"Oh, not much really. Just "Where'd you get that awful haircut?"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 6 Nov 1998 23:50:04 -0500
From:    Blaine Thompson <phredd@INDY.NET>
Subject: Newt Gingrich (off. to Dr. Laura)
 
          (*true story*)
 
So I'm on the telephone tonight, with a friend.  For those of you
who don't know, Newt Gingrich is a high figure in U.S. government,
who resigned today.
 
We're discussing Newt's resignation and he says: "Gee, what do you
think he had on Gingrich, that forced him out so quick"
      ^^ 
I respond: "He?  Who?  Bill Ballance?"
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 6 Nov 1998 to 7 Nov 1998
**********************************************
 
