HUMOR Digest - 5 Nov 1998 to 6 Nov 1998
There are 10 messages totalling 398 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. College Daze <adult humor>
  2. Speeder(adUlt)
  3. A Couple of Smiles
  4. The Top 12 Ways Life Would be Different
     If There Were No Vowels
  5. Point/Counterpoint
  6. Ignore the Little Man behind the Screen...
  7. Top5 - 11/5/98 - A Government Run by Wrestlers
  8. The Law is the Law (fwd)
  9. EleTelephony <clean>
 10. Control Freak
 
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Date:    Thu, 5 Nov 1998 03:06:41 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: College Daze <adult humor>
 
* Most frequent student pick-up line: "Can my Dad buy ya a drink ?"
                           - - - - -
 
* Q: What's the favorite position of a girl from Vassar College ?
  A: Facing Bloomingdale's or another upscale department store
                           - - - - -
 
* Did ya all hear about the Adult-Ed student who was kicked out of
  the Univ of Maryland for cheating -- with the Dean's wife.
                           - - - - -
 
* The reincarnation of Diogenes set out to find an honest student
  at the US Naval Academy.  After four days of fruitless searching,
  he figured he was doing pretty good because he still had his
  lantern.
                           - - - - -
 
*   Did y'all hear about the coed who wrote home for $45 to buy
  a pair of warm-up pants ?
    The Father sent her $ 90 and said to buy a pair for him to
  give to her Mother too.
                           - - - - -
 
*   A student sat before his martini trying to spear the olive with
  a toothpick.  He tried and missed a dozen times.  The bartender
  walks over and spears it with a toothpick on the first try.
    "Big deal !" said the student. "I already had it so tired it
  couldn't get away."
                            - - - - -
 
*   Two students out attempting to pick-up a couple of dates
  weren't having much success.  "Maybe we'd better split-up." said
  the one. "The girls seem to take an instant dislike to me once
  they find out I'm a law student.  Wonder why that is ?"
    "Maybe..." his buddy replied, "it just saves time."
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Indexed UGA Humor Digests 1997-1998:
     (text)  www2.crosswinds.net/baltimore/~jimjr
      (zip)  www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
 
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Date:    Thu, 5 Nov 1998 05:26:56 -0600
From:    RANEBOUX <wett@GS.VERIO.NET>
Subject: Speeder(adUlt)
 
The sheriff of the small Kansas town pulled over a Porsche that was
doing 75 miles per hour in a 35-mile an hour zone. The man behind
the wheel, a Chicago commodities trader, was steaming.
 
When he was finally brought before the local magistrate, he
exploded, "I can't believe you stopped me. This town must be the
asshole of the world!"
 
The magistrate looked at him and replied, "And you must be what's
passing through."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 5 Nov 1998 07:06:46 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: A Couple of Smiles
 
Poor Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly
despondent over  the recent death of her husband Earl.  She decided
she would just kill  herself and join him in death. Thinking that
it would be best to get it  over with quickly, she took out Earl's
old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart
since it was so badly broken in the first place.  Not wanting to
miss the vital organ and become a  vegetable and burden to someone,
she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where
the heart would be.
 
"On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your
left breast." Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the
hospital with a gunshot wound to her left knee.
                    ========================
 
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.
Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the lady behind
the wheel was knitting! The trooper cranked down his window and
yelled, "PULL OVER!"
 
"No," the lady yelled back, "It's a scarf!"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 5 Nov 1998 08:17:11 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: The Top 12 Ways Life Would be Different
         If There Were No Vowels
 
12. Wht th fck knd f tpc s ths?
11. Nothing before nothing except after c?   Sure, Teach.
    Whatever.
10. Cartoon strip characters limited to sleeping and swearing.
 9. Sudden inability to pick out the Czech hockey players in the
    NHL.
 8. Alex Trebek: still wealthy and famous.  Pat and Vanna: living in
    a van down by the river and fighting tooth and Press-on Nail
    over dwindling supply of food.
 7. As the price of Sesame Street stock plummets, Bert and Ernie
    are laid off.
 6. Y, during interrogation, denies any ever working for the
    deposed junta.
 5. 19% less time on the crapper.
 4. The Thomas Brothers' Map regional offices in Honolulu do some
    serious downsizing.
 3. Now, *51* ways to leave your lover!  Latest addition:  "Sorry
    babe, but U and I are history."
 2. Old MacDonald awakens to an eerie silence.
 
    and the Number 1 Way Life Would be  Different
    If There Were No Vowels...
 
 1. President Clinton breathes a sigh of relief, since he never
    said he didn't have sex with Mnc Lwnsk.
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 5 Nov 1998 08:21:00 -0500
From:    Paul Benoit <Paul_Benoit@SPEEDLINE.COOKSON.COM>
Subject: Point/Counterpoint
 
     (via MsKitty's "Litter Box Mews")
 
Everything Southern has its spiritual Yankee counterpart...
Here's how to tell which is which:
 
-- The North has sun-dried too-mah-toes
     -- The South has 'mater samiches
 
-- The North has coffeehouses
     -- The South has Waffle Houses
 
-- The North has Mom
     -- The South has Mama
 
-- The North has dating services
     -- The South has family reunions
 
-- The North has switchblade knives
     -- The South has Lee press-on nails
 
-- The North has saving the whales
     -- The South has getting saved
 
-- The North has double last names
     -- The South has double first names
 
-- The North has sensational tabloids
     -- The South has neighbors
 
-- The North has Ted Kennedy
     -- The South has Jesse Helms
 
-- The North, a gal says, "You can sleep with me"
     -- The South, she says "Y'all can sleep with me"
 
-- The North has the Mafia
     -- The South has  NASCAR
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 5 Nov 1998 11:43:45 -0500
From:    Jim Mica <jmica@ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: Ignore the Little Man behind the Screen...
 
In this segmented, analyzed marketplace of a world, where hucksters
daily fain friendship to sell their wares, it's nice to see the
mechanisms behind the facade from time to time.
 
Just the other day I received a package -- not a letter, a
cardboard box package -- with news of the latest Reader's Digest
sweepstates.  I could well be a winner of $5,600,000!
 
Now, for those of you who don't know about Reader's Digest, it's
this magazine with a humongous circulation.  RD gets its big
circulation by protecting people from having to read full-length
articles from such august publications as PEOPLE MAGAZINE and The
Whitebread Monthly.  (I sometimes wonder that the FTC hasn't forced
them to change the name to Non-Reader's Digest.) They also try to
convince gullible beings that subscribing to their mag might give
them a better chance of winning millions of dollars.
 
So, I got this sweepstakes mailing using the usual merge-letter
format which personalized it to the point where I suspected the
letter writer actually had gotten my cat's hair on his pants and
that RD really new and cared about The Mica Household. I learned
that a bonded security agent might soon be leaving the airport
in White Plains, New York (about 200 miles southeast of where I
live) to fly to to Buffalo Airport (about 200 miles northwest of
where I live) to bring a suitcase full of money to my home.
 
I sent the sweepstakes stuff back to RD and told them, "No thanks."
I really don't wanna have to move the house 200 miles on the off
chance that this guy is coming with a suitcase full of money.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 5 Nov 1998 15:42:00 -0500
From:    John Vogel <jvogel@DGS.DGSYS.COM>
Subject: Top5 - 11/5/98 - A Government Run by Wrestlers
 
       T  H  E     T  O  P     F  I  V  E     L  I  S  T
                        November 5, 1998
 
  The Top 13 Changes Under a Government Run by Pro Wrestlers
 
13> Driving your fellow Congressman into the turnbuckle now
    considered acceptable method of ending a filibuster.
 
12> President now shouts entire State of the Union address
    with his face 18 inches from TV camera.
 
11> IRS audit replaced by more efficient reverse body slam
    onto enema.
 
10> Government becomes a charade of meaningless noises and
    lots of posturing by a bunch of inarticulate losers with
    no class or manners -- Hey, wait a minute...
 
 9> Free school lunches destined for the needy instead go to
    the biggest, meanest, stupidest kid in each school.
 
 8> Sex scandals now involve even skankier women.
 
 7> January 20: Inauguration ceremonies
    January 21: FDA approves over-the-counter sale of steroids
 
 6> Newt Gingrich is finally able to wear his mask and cape
    out of the house.
 
 5> During House debate, it is acceptable to yield to the
    gentleman wielding a folding chair.
 
 4> Difficult finding interns willing to accommodate an entire
    pouch of Skoal.
 
 3> Strom Thurmond *finally* removed by The Undertaker.
 
 2> Line to bodyslam Ken Starr winds around Lincoln Memorial.
 
          and Top5's Number 1 Change Under a
          Government Run by Pro Wrestlers...
 
 1> Before: Mr. Vice President      After: Stone Cold Al Gore
 
 
   [           This list copyright 1998 by Chris White            ]
   [  The Top 5 List   top5@gmbweb.com    http://www.topfive.com  ]
   [      To forward or repost, please include this section.      ]
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 5 Nov 1998 16:40:58 -0500
From:    Gwen Eckman <geckman@POLARIS.UMUC.EDU>
Subject: Re: The Law is the Law (fwd)
 
     [Discussion posting removed for Archival Purposes]
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 6 Nov 1998 09:28:12 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMCLTD.COM>
Subject: EleTelephony <clean>
 
Once there was an elephant
who tried to be a telephant;
no no, I mean an elephone
who tried to be a telephone.
(Dear me I am not certain quite
that even now i've got it right)
how e'r it was he got his trunk
entangled in the telephunk
the more he tried to get it free,
the louder buzzed the telephee.
(i fear i'd better quit this song
of elehop and telephong.)
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 5 Nov 1998 21:19:45 -0800
From:    "Keith E. Sullivan" <KSullivan@WORLDNET.ATT.NET>
Subject: Control Freak
 
My husband had just returned from a five-day hunting trip, and I
planned a romantic evening for us.  As I was unpacking his bag, I
heard him say behind my back, "Oh, baby, did I miss you!"  I turned
to give him a hug, only to find him kissing the TV remote control.
 
     -Diana L. Young
 
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End of HUMOR Digest - 5 Nov 1998 to 6 Nov 1998
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