HUMOR Digest - 4 Nov 1998 to 5 Nov 1998
There are 14 messages totalling 720 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Elephantine Jokes!:The Soccer Game <clean>
  2. Men and Women
  3. The Farmer's Son (Pun)
  4. Lincoln-Kennedy (mildly offensive)
  5. The Law is the Law
  6. Tough Game/School Play
  7. An Oldie, But A goodie -  Duck Shopper
  8. The Luck of the DEAL
  9. NOAH'S ARK
 10. Sponsor an NBA player
 11. 25 Things I Have Learned in 50 Years
 12. Strangers on a Train <adult situation>
 13. El' Jokes!:Pachydermic Personnel Prediction <clean>
 14. The Patriot (Pun)
 
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Date:    Wed, 4 Nov 1998 12:48:18 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMCLTD.COM>
Subject: Elephantine Jokes!:The Soccer Game <clean>
 
It was a boring Sunday afternoon in the jungle so the Elephants
decided to challenge the Ants to a game of soccer. The game was
going well with the Elephants beating the Ants ten goals to ZERO,
when the Ants gained posession.
 
The Ants' star player was dribbling the ball towards the Elephants'
goal when the Elephants' left back came lumbering towards him. The
elephant trod on the little ant, killing him instantly.
 
The referee stopped the game. "What the hell do you think you're
doing?  Do you call that sportsmanship, killing another player?"
 
The elephant replied, "Well, I didn't mean to kill him -- I was
just trying to trip him up."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 4 Nov 1998 04:02:37 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Men and Women
 
* A man walks over to a vision of loveliness at a party and sez,
  "Excuse me, could I interest you in breaking up my marriage ?"
                           - - - - -
 
* A woman visits her husband's office and meets his secretary who
  looks like a former PlayMate of the Month. "Nice to finally meet
  you." she said. "My husband has told me so little about you."
                           - - - - -
 
* Times have changed drastically in the relationships between
  men and women.  These days, when a man gets upset with his
  wife, he goes to his club.  In the days of the cavemen, he
  just reached for it.
                           - - - - -
 
*   Pity poor Mary.  She found the man of her dreams, but being
  a strict Catholic, she refused to marry him unless he converted
  to her religion.  The young man started attending classes.
    Now Mary's back on the dating scene again -- seems her young
  man decided to become a Priest.
                           - - - - -
 
*   "Marge ! I see you finally got George to go to Church." said
  the neighbor over the back fence.
    "Well, yes... but I'm afraid he's still not into the spirit of
  it all.  He waited for everyone to finish saying the Creed and
  the Prayer of the Church, then he just nodded his head."
                           - - - - - -
 
*   Two buddies were having a few before they went home and the
  conversation turned to their wives.  One said to the other,
  "I find my wife entertaining."
    "Gee... that's great." replied his drinking buddy. "Wish I
  could say that."
    "Yeah ? Well... you wouldn't think it was so great if you
  found her entertaining every damn time you went in the door."
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Indexed UGA Humor Digests 1997-1998:
     (text)  www2.crosswinds.net/baltimore/~jimjr
      (zip)  www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
 
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 4 Nov 1998 02:06:12 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: The Farmer's Son (Pun)
 
Farmer Brown's son George went to the big city to make his fortune.
Unfortunately he became a stockbroker, and on last October 20, he
found himself reduced to shining shoes for a living.
 
At the same time, a run of unusually good weather resulted in an
abundance of late hay down on the farm.
 
 So, in this story... the farmer makes hay, while the son shines.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 4 Nov 1998 06:00:27 -0500
From:    Jay Harman <jharman@IX.NETCOM.COM>
Subject: Lincoln-Kennedy (mildly offensive)
 
Thanks to Don at Mailcity....
 
<--------------- lincon vs. kennedy --------------->
 
 
Kennedy - Lincoln Similarities
 
Here's a little part of US history which makes you wonder
Coincidence?
 
Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.
 
Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.
 
The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters.
 
Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
 
Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.
 
Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
 
Both were shot in the head.
 
Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln.
 
Both were assassinated by Southerners.
 
Both were succeeded by Southerners.
 
Both successors were named Johnson.
 
Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.
 
John Wilkes Booth,was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald,was born in 1939.
 
Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names are comprised of fifteen letters
 
Booth ran from the theater and was caught in a warehouse.
Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theater.
 
Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.
 
And here's the kicker,
A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland.
A week before Kennedy was shot, he was in Marilyn Monroe.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 4 Nov 1998 07:03:14 -0500
From:    Gwen Eckman <geckman@POLARIS.UMUC.EDU>
Subject: The Law is the Law
 
     (got this from a friend of mine)

The following are laws from around the world...
 
Most Middle Eastern countries recognize the following Islamic law:
After having sexual relations with a lamb, it is a mortal sin to
eat its flesh.
 
In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but
the animals must be female.  Having sexual relations with a male
animal is punishable by death.
 
In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals,
but is forbidden from looking directly at them during the
examination.  He may only see their reflection in a mirror.
 
Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse.  This
also applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be
covered with brick or piece of wood at all times.
 
The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.
 
There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the
countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the
privilege of having sex for the first time.  Reason:  Under Guam
law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.  (Now let's
just think for a minute...  Is there any job anywhere else in the
world that even comes close to this?)
 
In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her
adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.  (The
husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner
desired.)
 
Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in
tropical fish stores.  (Of course!!)
 
In Cali, Columbia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and
the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to
witness the act.
 
In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a
woman and her daughter at the same time.  (Presume this was a big
enough problem that they had to pass this law?)
 
In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines
with one exception:  prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending
machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for
consumption on the premises."  (Gotta love the good 'ole USA!)
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 4 Nov 1998 07:04:02 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Tough Game/School Play
 
It was a particularly tough football game, and nerves were on edge.
The home team had been the victim of three or four close calls and
they were now trailing the visitors by a touch-down and a field
goal. When the official called yet another close one in the
visitors' favor, the home quarterback blew his top. "How many times
can you do this to us in a  single game?" he screamed. "You were
wrong on the out-of-bounds, you were wrong on that last first down
and you missed an illegal tackle in the first quarter."
 
The official just starred. The quarterback seethed but he
suppressed the language that might get him tossed from the game.
"What it comes down to," he bellowed, "is that you STINK!"
 
The official starred a few more seconds. Then he bent down, picked
up the ball, paced off 15 yards, and put the ball down. He turned
to face the steaming quarterback and finally replied, "And how do I
smell from here, young hothead?"
                    ======================
 
Matt's dad picked him up from school to take him to a dental
appointment.  Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed
to be posted today, he asked his son if he got a part.
 
Matt enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten a part. "I play a
man who's been married for twenty years, just like you dad!"
 
"That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it
they'll be giving you a speaking part."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 4 Nov 1998 08:16:11 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: An Oldie, But A goodie -  Duck Shopper
 
A duck walks into a general store and asks the manager,"Got any
fresh fruit?"
 
"No."
 
"Got any fresh vegetables?"
 
"No. We have only canned and dry goods."
 
The next day, the duck returns.
 
"Got any fresh fruit?"
 
"No."
 
"Got any fresh vegetables?"
 
"No. I told you yesterday, we have only canned and dry goods. If
you come back tomorrow and ask me the same question, I'll nail your
flippers to the floor."
 
On the 3rd day, the duck walks in and asks,"Got any nails?"
 
"No."
 
"Got any fresh fruit?"
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 4 Nov 1998 07:42:30 -0600
From:    RANEBOUX <wett@GS.VERIO.NET>
Subject: The Luck of the DEAL
 
A blackjack dealer and a player with a thirteen count in his hand
were arguing about whether or not it was appropriate to tip the
dealer. The player said, "When I get bad cards, it's not the
dealer's fault. Accordingly, when I get good cards, the dealer
obviously had nothing to do with it so, why should I tip him?"
 
The dealer said, "When you eat out do you tip the waiter?"
 
"Yes."
 
"Well then, he serves you food, I'm serving you cards so you should
tip me."
 
"Okay, but, the waiter gives me what I ask for. I'll take an eight."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 4 Nov 1998 09:51:17 -0500
From:    Paul Benoit <Paul_Benoit@SPEEDLINE.COOKSON.COM>
Subject: NOAH'S ARK
 
ALL I REALLY NEED TO KNOW
I LEARNED FROM NOAH'S ARK
 
 -- Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark.
 -- Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone might
        ask you to do something REALLY big.
 -- Don't listen to critics -- do what has to be done.
 -- Build on high ground.
 -- For safety's sake, travel in pairs.
 -- Two heads are better than one.
 -- Speed isn't always an advantage. The cheetahs
        were on board, but so were the snails.
 -- If you can't fight or flee -- float!
 -- Take care of your animals as if they were
         the last ones on earth.
 -- Don't forget that we're all in the same boat.
 -- When the doo-doo gets really deep, don't sit there
         and complain -- shovel!!!
 -- Stay below deck during the storm.
 -- Remember that the ark was built by amateurs
         and the Titanic was built by professionals.
 -- If you have to start over, have a friend by your side.
 -- Remember that the woodpeckers INSIDE are often
         a bigger threat than the storm outside.
 -- Don't miss the boat.
 -- No matter how bleak it looks, there's always
       a rainbow on the other side.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 4 Nov 1998 08:34:15 MST
From:    Jim Winski! <jcw@UPI.UHCOLORADO.EDU>
Subject: Sponsor an NBA player
 
"NBA PLAYER ADOPTION PROGRAM" NEEDS YOU
 
With an NBA player's strike against the team owners, now is the
time for us to show the world just how much we care.  It's just not
right.  Hundreds of basketball players in our very own country are
living at or just below the seven-figure salary line. And as if
that weren't bad enough, they will be deprived of pay for several
weeks-possibly a whole year!
 
But now you can help!  For about two thousand dollars a day -
that's less than the cost of a large screen projection TV - you can
help keep a basketball player economically viable during his time
of need.
 
Two thousand dollars a day may not seem like a lot of money to you,
but to a basketball player it could mean the difference between a
vacation spent golfing in Florida or a Mediterranean cruise.  For
you, two thousand dollars is nothing more than three months rent or
mortgage payments.  But to a basketball player, two thousand
dollars a day will almost replace his salary.
 
Your commitment of two thousand dollars a day will enable a player
to buy that home entertainment center, trade in the year old Lexus
for a new Ferrari, or enjoy a weekend in Rio.
 
"HOW WILL I KNOW I'M HELPING?"
 
Each month, you will receive a complete financial report on the
player you sponsor.  Detailed information about his stocks, bonds,
401(k), real estate and other investment holdings will be mailed to
your home. You'll also get information on how he plans to invest
the $5 million lump sum he will receive upon retirement.
 
"HOW WILL HE KNOW I'M HELPING"
 
Your basketball player will be told that he has a SPECIAL FRIEND
who just wants to help in a time of need.  Although the player
won't know your name, he will be able to make collect calls to your
home via a special operator just in case additional funds are
needed for unexpected  expenses.
 
Simply fill out the form below.
 
YES, I want to help! I would like to sponsor a striking NBA
basketball player. My preference is checked below:
         [ ] Starter
         [ ] Reserve
         [ ] Star*
         [ ] Superstar**
         [ ] Entire team***
         [ ] I'll sponsor a player most in need.
             Please select one for me.
 
         *    Higher cost
         **   Much higher cost
         ***  Please call our 900 number to ask for
              the cost of a specific team.
         (Does not include cheerleaders)
 
Please charge the account listed below $2,054.79 per day for
reserve or starter for the duration of the strike.
 
Please send me a picture of the player I have sponsored, along with
a team logo and my very own NBA Players Association badge to wear
proudly on my lapel.
 
[ ] MasterCard      [ ] Visa           [ ] American Express
[ ] Discover Card   [ ] Diner's Club
 
        Your Name: __________________________
        Telephone Number:  __________________________
        Account Number: __________________________ Exp. Date:
        Signature:  __________________________
 
Mail completed form to NBA Players Association or call
1-888-TOOMUCH now to enroll by phone
(Children under 18 must have parent's approval)
 
Note:
Sponsors are not permitted to contact the player they have
sponsored, either in person or by other means including, but not
limited to, telephone calls, letters, e-mail, or third parties.
Keep in mind that the basketball player you have sponsored will be
much to busy enjoying his free time, thanks to your generous
donations.  Oh yes, contributions are not tax deductable.

 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 4 Oct 1998 07:55:28 -0700
From:    Sue Birkenseer <Sue@CIRCUSPREPRESS.COM>
Subject: 25 Things I Have Learned in 50 Years
  
25 Things I Have learned in 50 Years
by Dave Barry
 
 1. The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number
    of helicopters in it.
 
 2. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and
    compelling reason why we observe daylight-saving time.
 
 3. People who feel the need to tell you that they have an
    excellent sense of humor are telling you that they have no
    sense of humor.
 
 4. The most valuable function performed by the federal government
    is entertainment.
 
 5. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely
    suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual
    baby emerging from her at that moment.
 
 6. A penny saved is worthless.
 
 7. They can hold all the peace talks they want, but there will
    never be peace in the Middle East. Billions of years from now,
    when Earth is hurtling toward the Sun and there is nothing left
    alive on the planet except a few microorganisms, the
    microorganisms living in the Middle East will be bitter
    enemies.
 
 8. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
 
 9. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age,
    gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is
    that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are
    above-average drivers.
 
10. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people
    to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.
 
11. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
 
12. People who want to share their religious views with you almost
    never want you to share yours with them.
 
13. There apparently exists, somewhere in Los Angeles, a computer
    that generates concepts for television sitcoms. When TV
    executives need a new concept, they turn on this computer;
    after sorting through millions of possible plot premises, it
    spits out, "THREE QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN
    AN APARTMENT," and the executives turn this concept into a
    show. The next time they need an idea, the computer spits out,
    "SIX QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN
    APARTMENT." Then the next time, it spits out, "FOUR QUIRKY BUT
    ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT." And so on. We
    need to locate this computer and destroy it with hammers.
 
14. Nobody is normal.
 
15. At least once per year, some group of scientists will become
    very excited and announce that:
       * The universe is even bigger than they thought!
       * There are even more subatomic particles than they thought!
       * Whatever they announced last year about global warming is
         wrong.
 
16. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human
    race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full
    potential, that word would be "meetings."
 
17. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to
    annoy people who are not in them.
 
18. The value of advertising is that it tells you the exact
    opposite of what the advertiser actually thinks. For example:
       * If the advertisement says "This is not your father's
         Oldsmobile," the advertiser is desperately concerned
         that this Oldsmobile, like all other Oldsmobiles,
         appeals primarily to old farts like your father.
       * If Coke and Pepsi spend billions of dollars to
         convince you that there are significant differences
         between these two products, both companies realize
         that Pepsi and Coke are virtually identical.
       * If the advertisement strongly suggests that Nike
         shoes enable athletes to perform amazing feats, Nike
         wants you to disregard the fact that shoe brand is
         unrelated to athletic ability.
       * If Budweiser runs an elaborate advertising campaign
         stressing the critical importance of a beer's "born-on"
         date, Budweiser knows this factor has virtually nothing
         to do with how good a beer tastes.
 
19. If there really is a God who created the entire universe with
    all of its glories, and He decides to deliver a message to
    humanity, He will not use, as His messenger, a person on cable
    TV with a bad hairstyle.
 
20. You should not confuse your career with your life.
 
21. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a
    nice person.
 
22. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too
    seriously.
 
23. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one
    individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take
    command. Very often, that individual is crazy.
 
24. Your friends love you anyway.
 
25. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 4 Nov 1998 17:08:20 -0500
From:    "William E. Grover" <g7718769@IDT.NET>
Subject: Strangers on a Train <adult situation>
 
A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the
same sleeping compartment of a train.  After the initial
embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the
top bunk, the man on the lower.  In the middle of the night the
woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm
awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me
another blanket."
 
The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a
better idea... let's pretend we're married."
 
"Why not," giggles the woman.
 
"Good," he replies.  "Get your own damn blanket."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 5 Nov 1998 11:31:30 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMCLTD.COM>
Subject: El' Jokes!:Pachydermic Personnel Prediction <clean>
 
          PACHYDERMIC PERSONNEL PREDICTION
          by Peter C. Olsen
 
A bold new proposal for matching high-technology people and
professions
 
Over the years, the problem of finding the right person for the
right job has consumed thousands of worker-years of research
and millions of dollars in funding. This is particularly true for
high-technology organizations where talent is scarce and expensive.
Recently, however, years of detailed study by the finest minds in
the field of psychoindustrial interpersonnel optimization have
resulted in the development of a simple and foolproof test to
determine the best match between personality and profession. Now,
at last, people can be infallibly assigned to the jobs for which
they are truly best suited.
 
The procedure is simple: Each subject is sent to Africa to hunt
elephants. The subsequent elephant-hunting behavior is then
categorized by comparison to the classification rules outlined
below. The subject should be assigned to the general job
classification that best matches the observed behavior.
 
		   CLASSIFICATION GUIDELINES
 
Mathematicians hunt elephants by going to Africa, throwing out
everything that is not an elephant,and catching one of whatever is
left. Experienced mathematicians will attempt to prove the
existence of at least one unique elephant before proceeding to
step 1 as a subordinate exercise. Professors of mathematics will
prove the existence of at least one unique elephant and then leave
the detection and capture of an actual elephant as an exercise for
their graduate students.
  
Computer scientists hunt elephants by exercising Algorithm A:
1. Go to Africa.
2. Start at the Cape of Good Hope.
3. Work northward in an orderly manner, traversing the continent
   alternately east and west.
4. During each traverse pass,
   a. Catch each animal seen.
   b. Compare each animal caught to a known elephant.
   c. Stop when a match is detected.
 
Experienced computer programmers modify Algorithm A by placing a
known elephant in Cairo to ensure that the algorithm will
terminate. Assembly language programmers prefer to execute
Algorithm A on their hands and knees.
 
Engineers hunt elephants by going to Africa, catching gray animals
at random, and stopping when any one of them weighs within plus or
minus 15 percent of any previously observed elephant.
 
Economists don't hunt elephants, but they believe that if elephants
are paid enough, they will hunt themselves.
 
Statisticians hunt the first animal they see N times and call it an
elephant.
 
Consultants don't hunt elephants, and many have never hunted
anything at all, but they can be hired by the hour to advise those
people who do.  Operations research consultants can also measure
the correlation of hat size and bullet color to the efficiency of
elephant-hunting strategies, if someone else will only identify the
elephants.
 
Politicians don't hunt elephants, but they will share the elephants
you catch with the people who voted for them.
 
Lawyers don't hunt elephants, but they do follow the herds around
arguing about who owns the droppings.  Software lawyers will claim
that they own an entire herd based on the look and feel of one
dropping.
 
Vice presidents of engineering, research, and development try hard
to hunt elephants, but their staffs are designed to prevent it.
When the vice president does get to hunt elephants, the staff will
try to ensure that all possible elephants are completely prehunted
before the vice president sees them. If the vice president does see
a nonprehunted elephant, the staff will
  (1) compliment the vice president's keen eyesight and
  (2) enlarge itself to prevent any recurrence.
 
Senior managers set broad elephant-hunting policy based on the
assumption that elephants are just like field mice, but with deeper
voices.
 
Quality assurance inspectors ignore the elephants and look for
mistakes the other hunters made when they were packing the jeep.
 
Sales People don't hunt elephants but spend their time selling
elephants they haven't caught, for delivery two days before the
season opens.  Software sales people ship the first thing they
catch and write up an invoice for an elephant. Hardware sales
people catch rabbits, paint them gray, and sell them as desktop
elephants.
 
VALIDATION: A validation survey was conducted about these rules.
Almost all the people surveyed about these rules were valid. A few
were invalid, but they expected to recover soon. Based on the
survey, a statistical confidence level was determined.  Ninety-five
percent of the people surveyed have at least 67 percent confidence
in statistics.
 
ACKNOWLEDGMENT: This study has benefited from the suggestions and
observations of many people,all of whom would prefer not to be
mentioned by name.
 

------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 4 Nov 1998 22:50:25 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: The Patriot (Pun)
 
Memorial Day weekend was coming up, and the nursery school teacher
took the opportunity to tell her class about patriotism. "We live
in a great country," she said. "One of the things we should be
happy is that, in this country, we are all free."
 
One little boy came walking up to her from the back of the room.
He stood with his hands on his hips and said...
"I'm not free. I'm four."
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 4 Nov 1998 to 5 Nov 1998
**********************************************
 
