HUMOR Digest - 1 Nov 1998 to 2 Nov 1998
There are 7 messages totalling 303 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Religion
  2. But It Itches!  <Dirty Little Johnny joke - 'nuf said>
  3. Nobility (Pun)
  4. GYN FUNNY ( adult)
  5. Bagpipe Funnies (clean)
  6. Humor - Weird Business News #9 (1st of 3)
  7. Ironic questions and comments about contemporary life
 
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Date:    Sun, 1 Nov 1998 03:48:18 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Religion
 
* Personally, I think the best test of your commitment to your
  faith, regardless of your beliefs, is when the collection plate
  comes around, and all you have are twenty dollar bills.
                           - - - - -
 
* We've all heard ministers who get a bit carried away with the
  length of their sermons.  We had a guest pastor once who was
  rather talkative -- at the end of his sermon, there was a great
  awakening throughout the entire congregation.
                           - - - - -
 
*   Seems to me some of the Jewish dietary laws are based more on
  logic than religion.  For example, pork would spoil quickly in
  the desert w/o refrigeration.  I had a Jewish friend try to tell
  me that to them, eating pork was like the sin of adultery.
    Well, I'm still not convinced -- to me, there's no comparison !
                           - - - - -
 
*   Speaking of pork (I was) Father O'Malley was having dinner with
  his good friend Rabbi Stern.  Naturally the conversation turned
  to the differences in their beliefs.  Teasing, the good Father
  asked the Rabbi, "When are you going to break down & taste some
  pork ?"
    The Rabbi replied, "At your wedding Father, at your wedding."
                           - - - - -
 
*   Rabbi Stern and Father O'Malley were always kidding each other
  about their various tenets.  The Rabbi opened with: "Remember
  Father, it was our ancestors who gave you the Ten Commandments."
   "Ah... 'tis true Rabbi," countered the good Father, "but...
  you can't say we kept them."
                           - - - - -
 
*   The small town Madam wanted to make a big contribution to the
  local Baptist Church.  The debate as to whether to accept the
  money was long, hot and furious.
    Finally, an engineer in the congregation stood up and said,
  "Let's be logical about this folks.  It's all our money anyway."
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Indexed UGA Humor Digests 1997-1998:
     (text)  www2.crosswinds.net/baltimore/~jimjr
      (zip)  www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
 
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Date:    Sun, 1 Nov 1998 09:32:13 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: But It Itches!  <Dirty Little Johnny joke - 'nuf said>
 
A teacher notices that Little Johnny, at the back of the class, is
squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention.
She goes back to find out what's up. He's quite embarrassed and
whispers that he has just recently been circumcised and he's quite
itchy.
 
The teacher has him go down to the principal's office to phone his
mom, and ask her what he should do about it.
 
He does this, returns to the class, sits down in his seat and
suddenly, there's a general commotion at the back of the room. Back
down she goes, only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis
hanging out.
 
"I thought I told you to call your mom," she says.
 
"I did," he says, "and she told me that if I could stick it out
till noon she'd come and pick me up from school."
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
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Date:    Sun, 1 Nov 1998 10:05:09 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Nobility (Pun)
 
There was concern in the House of Lords when John Greenleaf
announced his marriage to May Dolittle. After all, he was the
Duke of Somerset, the current peer from a long family of dukes,
and she was not only a commoner, but had been a London cabaret
entertainer, whose humor tended to be somewhat, shall we say,
risque. But they were obviously in love, and the Queen, herself,
had given her blessings.
 
It was, therefore, with some apprehension, that his peers attended
the Greenleaf s first formal dinner after returning from their
honeymoon in the Bahamas.
 
At the dinner table, May would entertain the guests with one of her
stories that had made her famous. To every ones surprise, John who
had previously been considered prosaic and formal, would respond
with a joke of his own, which was every bit as funny, even more so
because it was so unexpected. May would make a pun, and John would
follow with a few of his own. After the first few minutes, everyone
was having the time of their life and sharing in the festivities of
the occasion.
 
By the time the evening was over, everyone agreed they found...
Dame May Whitty but John Greenleaf Whittier.
 
 
          -By Stan Kegel based on a pun by Richard Lederer
 
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Date:    Sun, 1 Nov 1998 12:24:45 -0600
From:    RANEBOUX <wett@GS.VERIO.NET>
Subject: GYN FUNNY ( adult)
 
 Q: How can a woman scare a gynecologist?
 
 A: Become a ventriloquist.
 
 
http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/Delta/9989/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 1 Oct 1998 11:18:37 -0700
From:    Sue Birkenseer <Sue@CIRCUSPREPRESS.COM>
Subject: Bagpipe Funnies (clean)
 
 Q. Why do pipers always walk when they play?
 A. Moving targets are harder to hit.
 
 Q. How do you get two bagpipes to play in perfect unison?
 A. Shoot one.
 
 Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and an onion?
 A. No one cries when you chop up a bagpipe.
 
 Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and a trampoline?
 A. You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.
 
 Q. How can you tell a piper with perfect pitch?
 A. He can throw a set into the middle of a pond and not hit
    any of the ducks.
 
 Q. How is playing a bagpipe like throwing a javelin blindfolded?
 A. You don't have to be very good to get people's attention.
 
 Q. What's the difference between a lawn mower and a bagpipe?
 A. You can tune the lawn mower; and the owner's neighbors are
    upset if you borrow the lawn mower and don't return it.
 
 Q. How do you make a chain saw sound like a bagpipe?
 A. Add vibrato.
 
 Q. What's the difference between a dead piper in the road and a
    dead country singer in the road?
 A. The country singer may have been on the way to a recording
    session.
 
 Q. What's the range of a bagpipe?
 A. Twenty yards, if you have a good arm.
 
 Q. Why are a piper's fingers like lightning?
 A. They rarely strike the same spot twice.
 
 Q. How can you tell if a bagpipe is out of tune?
 A. Someone is blowing into it.
 
 Q. Why is a bagpipe like a SCUD missile?
 A. Both are offensive and inaccurate.
 
 Q. ``Hey, Buddy. How late does the pipe band play?''
 A. ``Oh, about a half beat behind the drummer.''
 
 Q. Why do they call it a ``kilt''?
 A. Because a lot of people got kilt when they called it a skirt.
 
 Q. What's one thing you never hear people say?
 A. Oh, that's the pipe player's Porsche.
 
 Q. What's a piper's definition of ``optimism''?
 A. A piper with a beeper.
 
          -Forwarded by Sue M. (original source unknown)
 
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Date:    Sun, 1 Nov 1998 13:50:59 -0600
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Humor - Weird Business News #9 (1st of 3)
 
     (Copied from Houston Chronicle Columnist, Jim Barlow)
 
 
IT'S A WHOLE new month. Time for an old subject.
Weird Business News.
 
The Boy You're Coy Award to Johnnie Walker, which in a long news
release about the launching of its new men's clothing line managed
to never, ever mention the word whiskey. No word if all the
clothing has to be brown.
 
The Where's the Fountain Pen Award to Cyberstudios of Culver City,
Calif., which announced its personal, password-protected Bar and
Bat Mitzvah planning sites on the Internet. They join the company's
personal wedding planning Web site.
 
Our Let's Build a Really Big Food Item and See Who is Dumb Enough
to Write About It Award to Kellogg. The vital stats. Pop-Tart, 25
feet by 35 feet, 545 pounds of flour, 495 pounds of strawberry
fruit filling, 800 pounds of icing.
 
Oct. 8 was National Depression Screening Day. I missed it. Just
couldn't force myself to get out of bed that day.
 
And a related item, from our Cheerful News section comes this news
release:
     "Tanita Corporation of America Inc. today launches `Figure
      Your Body Fat: Step On It America!,' a new national
      educational campaign aimed at helping consumers understand
      the relationship between body fat and body weight --
      and the importance of monitoring body fat as part of a
      healthy lifestyle."
 
The Things You Might Never Know if You Didn't Read This Column.
The factoid this time is (drum roll please) employees spend three
workdays each year standing in line to deposit their paychecks.
 
------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 1 Nov 1998 22:30:29 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Ironic questions and comments about contemporary life
 
I misplaced my dictionary. Now I'm at a loss for words.
 
Why does the term jerk apply only to men?
 
The reason I turned down an extramarital affair is because my wife
found the key to my gun cabinet.
 
My wife tends to leave well enough alone. Unfortunately, things are
rarely well enough.
 
Why do they rate a movie "R" for "adult language?" The only people
I hear using that language are teenagers.
 
Homeless man's sign at corner of 14th Street: "Why lie? I need a
beer."
 
The difference between insane asylums and our schools is that in
the insane asylum you have to show some improvement before you can
get out.
 
To err is human, to moo, bovine.
 
Anyone who thought that Lester Maddox was the most embarrassing
politician to ever come out of Georgia has never met Bob Barr.
 
I've got you beat. I saw a woman driver changing her clothes on an
exit ramp.
 
What comes first, new schools or portable classrooms?
 
I'm a New Yorker, and the first time someone asked me if I was a
Yankee, I misunderstood and said, "No, I like the Mets."
 
To the person complaining about dialing 10 digits to reach a
next-door neighbor: Try walking! And we wonder why half of the
adults in America are overweight!
 
Free one dollar bills! Please send $4.95 to cover postage &
handling.  (Limit $1 per order).
 
 
Source: http://www.accessatlanta.com/news/thevent
 
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End of HUMOR Digest - 1 Nov 1998 to 2 Nov 1998
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