HUMOR Digest - 31 Oct 1998 to 1 Nov 1998
There are 6 messages totalling 320 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Happy Halloween
  2. UNIQUE COSTUME(adult)
  3. Halloween Puns
  4. Dr. Seauss Unplugged
  5. Dim-witted comments & questions about contemporary life
  6. Feghoot the Exorcist
 
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Date:    Sat, 31 Oct 1998 03:21:30 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Happy Halloween
 
* Halloween is the day when kids put on strange outfits to
  startle the adults.  Judging from some of the outfits I've
  seen on today's kids, they think every day is Halloween.
                           - - - - -
 
* This year Halloween won't seem so special to me though.
  Thanks to the antics of President Clinton, we've all seen
  his version of trick-or-treat all year long.
                           - - - - -
 
* Speaking of Clinton (I was) both he and Hillary should have
  an easy time of it at Halloween.  Neither one of them will
  have to don a false face -- they can use the ones they've
  been wearing all year.
                           - - - - -
 
* Last Halloween a lil' boy knocked on our door rather late.
  Mrs JimJr, all creamed-up, ready for bed, answered the door.
  The kid took one look at her and gave HER candy.
                           - - - - -
 
* Did ya ever wonder why kids sometimes dress up in Mommy's old
  clothes for Halloween and not Daddy's ?  Simple -- Daddies
  don't have any old clothes -- they're still wearing them.
                           - - - - -
 
* Pity the poor kids trick-or-treating in Columbia Maryland. Most
  of the Yuppies there dispense sugarless candy laced with doses
  of Ritalin, soft-bristle toothbrushes, fluoride-free non-abrasive
  toothpaste, and complimentary samples of dental floss.
                           - - - - -
 
* The ever-changing Web is always full of every kind of information
  one can imagine.  With the high cost of children's costumes this
  year, parents can visit a new site with both ideas and patterns
  for elaborate (yet inexpensive) outfits ---  www.scarewear.boo
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Indexed UGA Humor Digests 1997-1998:
     (text)  www2.crosswinds.net/baltimore/~jimjr
      (zip)  www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
 
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Date:    Sat, 31 Oct 1998 05:56:10 -0600
From:    RANEBOUX <wett@GS.VERIO.NET>
Subject: UNIQUE COSTUME(adult)
 
A man went to his boss's costume party with nothing on but a young
naked woman on his back.
 
"So what the hell are you supposed to be?" the boss asked.
 
"I'm a snail." The man replied.
 
"What a load of crap!" his boss spat. "How can you be a snail when
all you've got is that young naked woman on your back?"
 
"You've got it wrong," the man replied. "That's Michelle."
 
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Date:    Sat, 31 Oct 1998 08:09:10 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Halloween Puns
 
Puns spooken here:
 
One witch told another witch, "I want one of those new computers
that has a spell checker."
 
Don't bother inviting the Invisible Man to your Halloween party.
He won't show up.  Sometimes he makes excuses, but they're all
transparent.
 
You don't have to worry about Daylight Savings Time at Halloween.
The holiday is always on Green Witch Mean Time.
 
Western Union opened an office in a graveyard so the spooks could
send and receive cryptograms.
 
Vampire pick-up line "What's your type?"
 
A vampire joined the police force so he could learn the correct way
to get a stakeout.
 
How do canine scavengers in Africa find their way in the dark?
They use jackal lanterns.
 
What kind of monster do you have to look out for at the Laundromat?
A washin' werewolf.
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
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Date:    Sat, 31 Oct 1998 10:15:14 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Dr. Seauss Unplugged
 
            (Read this as if it were a Dr. Seuss story)
 

 
I am Starr.
Starr I are.
I'm a brilliant barri-star.
I'm here to ask, as you'll soon see,
Did you grope Miss Lew-in-ski?
Did you grope her in your house?
Did you grope beneath her blouse?
Did she give you gifts and ties?
Were you spied by prying eyes?
 
I did not do that here or there!
I did not do that anywhere!
I did not do that in a chair!
I went not near her giant hair!
I did not join-even for fun,
The Mile High Club in Air Force One.
So stow your feathers and your tar.
I did not do her, Starr you are!
 
Did you smile?
Did you flirt?
Did you peek beneath her skirt?
And did you tell the girl to lie, When called upon to testify?
That is it; you've gone too far!
 
I do not like you, Starr you are!
I will not answer any more!
In fact, I think I'll start a war!
The public's easy to distract,
When bombs are falling in Iraq!
 
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Date:    Sat, 31 Oct 1998 20:27:36 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Dim-witted comments & questions about contemporary life
 
If sidewalks were meant for joggers,
they'd be called sidejogs.
 
My son saw this bumper sticker:
"I like feminists; I think they're cute."
 
I'm confused by those moisturizing dishwashing liquid ads -
there are still women who wash dishes by HAND?
 
If you get divorced after 30 years,
do you become a "husband emeritus?"
 
If smokers cared about how they smelled,
there would be a lot fewer smokers.
 
Evander Holyfield, your mansion would make a great orphanage and
home for unwed mothers, but you don't have to fill it yourself!
 
I'm worried about our school librarian.
People say she's a "bookie."
 
My doctor sent me a bill with a note that said it was one year old.
So I returned it with a note that said, "Happy Birthday."
 
Even though my dog died when he feel into a vat of shellac,
at least he had a good finish.
 
So many stupid people, so few meteors.
 
A rhyme for pedestrian safety:
Bill looked, Joe didn't,
Bill is, Joe isn't.
 
Doesn't it make you sick to see all the banks announcing their
outrageous double-digit profit, especially when they admit that
most of it has been made by charging you and me ridiculous prices
for everything except parking in their lot. Oops! Hope I haven't
given them an idea.
 
My husband puts me on a pedestal, but he says sometimes I climb up
there all by myself.
 
If the former ruler of Russia and his wife were called Tsar and
Tsarina, were their children called Tsardines?
 
Can someone tell me where on my marriage license I can find the
expiration date?
 
 
Source: http://www.accessatlanta.com/news/thevent
 
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Date:    Sat, 31 Oct 1998 19:41:17 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Feghoot the Exorcist
 
The members of the Explorers' Club gathered at their meeting house
one evening to find Sir Ferdinand Feghoot sipping a brandy while
leaning gingerly against the fireplace mantel. "Ferdinand, old
boy," shouted Sir Roger, "Back so soon from the Peoples' Republic?
Sit down and tell us all about it."
 
Sir Ferdinand grimaced. "I'd rather NOT sit down, Roggie old boy.
But, yes, my mission to China was a success. Not to China, rather,
but to old Tibet, the roof of the world, shamelessly annexed by the
Red Chinese."
 
"What brought you to such a cold, inhospitable place," asked Sir
Thomas. "Searching for ancient Buddhist Sutras? Or perhaps on the
trail of the Abominable Snowman?"
 
"They're called Yetis, these days, Tommie," replied Ferdinand,
"But, no, I was invited to help exorcize an abandoned Buddhist
temple. My friend Lama Mipham was allowed to restore a long unused
temple by the Chinese government. Not for worship, you understand,
but as a museum to further extol the glories of the People's
Republic.
 
Lama Mipham felt that even for his people merely to have access to
the art and architectural treasures stored therein would help
prevent the further loss of their traditions. But imagine his
surprise, as he began clearing the temple, at being physically
attacked!"
 
"By brigands?" asked Sir Rupert, "Temple robbers, prying loose
rubies as big as your fist, that were used as third-eye ornaments
in enormous idols?"
 
"Lama Mipham is an expert martial artist," Feghoot explained.
"He could deal with common criminals. No, he was attacked by
supernatural defenders of the faith. Dakinis."
 
"Dakinis?" all the club members muttered in disbelief.
 
"Yes. It means 'skywalker,' you know. Ghostly women, of all sizes,
skin colors, some with animal heads, each armed with a mystical
weapon that produces very real physical damage."
 
"No wonder this monk fellow asked for your assistance," said Sir
Edmund, "You're well known as an accomplished exorcist. Do sit down
and elaborate."
 
Once again, Feghoot demurred. "I'll not be sitting down for quite a
while, I'm afraid. But I rushed to the temple, armed with holy
water, and a nasty three-sided dagger called a 'purba' that can
pierce ghostly flesh."
 
"How exciting," whispered Sir Oscar.
 
"No sooner did Lama Mipham and I enter the temple, than a huge,
lion-headed, dark green Dakini with a head-chopping sword gave an
ear-shattering shriek. Lama Mipham splashed holy water on her, and
she vanished.
 
"Then a giantess, at least 12 feet tall, a red skinned Dakini,
hurled an arm-binding noose over us, but as she drew us forward I
stabbed her with the 'purba,' and she vanished.
 
"Next, a hugely obese dakini, blue-black with flames coming out of
every pore hurled a shoulder-piercing trident at Lama Mipham, but
he ducked, and countered by chanting the weapon mantra, 'PHAT!' and
she vanished."
 
"Insulted, I should guess," chuckled Sir Bernard.
 
"Well, to make a long story shorter," concluded Sir Ferdinand,
"There were dozens of dakinis, but Lama Mipham and I vanquished
every one of them, although one of diminutive size (no bigger than
my thumb) and saffron hue managed to avoid my attention and wounded
me in an embarrassing part of my anatomy."
 
Sir Harold gasped. "You mean..."
 
Feghoot nodded... "She was an itsy-bitsy, teeny-weeny, yellow,
poke-a-butt Dakini."
 
 
     -By Adam E. Ek based on a character by Reginald Bretner
 
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End of HUMOR Digest - 31 Oct 1998 to 1 Nov 1998
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