HUMOR Digest - 30 Oct 1998 to 31 Oct 1998
There are 12 messages totalling 568 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Neighbors
  2. Nixon Vs. Clinton
  3. Top 10 Space Shuttle
  4. PRODUCT SAFETY ALERT! (more costumes) <adult>
  5. Halloween Q & A - Part 2 of 2
  6. Doctor Doctor
  7. Height vs. Length <off. to managers>
  8. Halloween Costume <adult>
  9. Semi-comic comments & questions about contemporary life
 10. Nice Tie
 11. PUNY Riddles 6
 12. Lawn Job <adult>
 
-------------------------------------------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 30 Oct 1998 03:08:23 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Neighbors
 
* Some things never change.  In Baltimore Maryland, you can still
  find a woman in some neighborhoods who takes in laundry -- only
  now, they keep it.
                           - - - - -
 
* I know I make fun of Columbia Maryland, but there's something
  reassuring about knowing that none of your neighbors can afford
  the houses they live in either.
                           - - - - -
 
* Isn't it odd that you're never quite sure how you feel about
  neighbors you don't know real well until you see a "For Sale"
  sign go up in front of their house.
                           - - - - -
 
*   A man went to the local repair shop to pick up a chain saw he
  had left there to be fixed.  The man behind the counter informed
  him that it was all ready, but it had been abused pretty bad. He
  suggested that it not be lent to a neighbor again.
    The man smiled sheepishly and said, "Yeah, I know.  I'm the
  neighbor."
                           - - - - -
 
*   A couple who won the lottery built quite a mansion in Howard
  County.  Thinking to impress their neighbors, they invited some
  of them to a formal dinner.  As the meal was concluding, wanting
  to avoid being labeled as "nouveau riche", the husband said,
  "Let's have dessert in the library."
    The wife said, "We can't.  It closes at seven."
                           - - - - -
 
*   One of my neighbors went out for a jog and her husband left to
  run an errand.  When she came back from her run, she was locked
  out of the house.  Seeing her pace up and down the yard mumbling,
  I went over and asked what was wrong.
    She said, "Martin's gone out and locked me out of the house.
  You just wait til' he gets back home."
    I invited her over for some iced tea while she was waiting, and
  she declined saying, "No thanks Jim.  If I come over and get all
  relaxed I won't be good and mad when he gets back."
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Indexed UGA Humor Digests 1997-1998:
     (text)  www2.crosswinds.net/baltimore/~jimjr
      (zip)  www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
 
To subscribe:
     Send an e-mail to: listserv@listserv.uga.edu
     leave the subject area blank; in the BODY of the
     letter, type: SUB HUMOR yourfirstname yourlastname
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 30 Oct 1998 06:57:44 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Nixon Vs. Clinton
 
 Similarities between Nixon and Clinton
 
   Nixon: Watergate
 Clinton: Waterbed
 
   Nixon: His biggest fear - the Cold War
 Clinton: His biggest fear - a Cold Sore
 
   Nixon: Worried about carpet bombs
 Clinton: Worried about carpet burns
 
   Nixon: His Vice President was a Greek
 Clinton: His Vice President is a geek
 
   Nixon: Couldn't stop Kissinger
 Clinton: Couldn't stop kissing her
 
   Nixon: Couldn't explain the 18 minute gap in the Watergate tape
 Clinton: Couldn't explain the 36-DD bra in his brief case
 
   Nixon: His nickname was Tricky Dick
 Clinton: same
 
   Nixon: Ex-President
 Clinton: Sex-President
 
   Nixon: Known for campaign slogan "Nixon's The One"
 Clinton: Known for women pointing at him saying, "He's the one!"
 
   Nixon: Famous for his widow's peak
 Clinton: Famous for bringing widows to their peak
 
   Nixon: Well acquainted with G. Gordon Liddy
 Clinton: Well acquainted with the G Spot
 
   Nixon: Took on Ho Chi Minh
 Clinton: Took on Ho
 
   Nixon: Talked about achieving peace with honor
 Clinton: Talked about getting a piece while on her
                    ================
 
Best quote from the Bill/Monica scandal is from Dick Armey when
asked what he would do in Clinton's position: "If I were in the
President's position, I would be looking up from a pool of blood,
hearing my wife say 'How the hell do I reload this thing'"?
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 30 Oct 1998 07:50:01 -0500
From:    Gwen Eckman <geckman@POLARIS.UMUC.EDU>
Subject: Top 10 Space Shuttle
 
Top Ten Changes at NASA to Accommodate 76-Year-Old John Glenn's
Return to Space Aboard the Shuttle Discovery:
 
10. All important devices now operated by the Clapper.
 9. Shuttle's thermostat set at 80 degrees.
 8. Shuffle board installed in cargo bay.
 7. "Early Bird" specials from Morrison's Cafeteria included on
     menu.
 6. One monitor specifically designated for Matlock.
 5. Little bowls of candy scattered randomly about the ship.
 4. Top speed of shuttle set at 25 miles per hour.
 3. Installed a new bifocal windshield.
 2. Space pants now go up to armpits.
 1. Left-blinker left on for entire mission.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 30 Oct 1998 07:36:22 -0500
From:    Paul Benoit <Paul_Benoit@SPEEDLINE.COOKSON.COM>
Subject: PRODUCT SAFETY ALERT! (more costumes) <adult>
 
The Bill Clinton costume (Acme Products #2718) contains
small parts that may be accidentally inhaled by interns.
               -----------------------
The Vernon Jordan costume (Acme Products #18939)
has been known to make promises it can't keep.
               -----------------------
The Newt Gingrich costume (Acme Products #666) has
been cited in several cases as causing small children
to have nightmares.
               -----------------------
We advise you not to let your little girls wear the Monica
Lewinsky costume (Acme Products #69) on Halloween or
they'll be chased down the street by perverts with cigars.
               -----------------------
A safer choice is the Linda Tripp costume (Acme Products
#5271), but your daughters must be willing to talk.
               ***********************
 
Top Ten Signs Your Disability is Slowing Down
             Your 'Trick or Treating'

10. You get winded from knocking on the door.
 9. You have to have another trick or treater
          chew the candy for you.
 8. You ask for high fiber candy only.
 7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag,
          you lose your balance and fall over.
 6. People say, "Great Keith Richards mask!"
         and you're not wearing a mask.
 5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..."
         and can't remember the rest.
 4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full
           of restraining orders.
 3. You have to carefully choose a costume
        that won't get tangled in your braces.
 2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood
         with a walker.
 1. You avoid going to houses where your ex-doctors live.
               ***********************
 
   The Vampire's worst fear:   TOOTH DECAY
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 30 Oct 1998 08:09:59 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Halloween Q & A - Part 2 of 2
 
Q: What do witches use on their hair?
A: Scare spray
 
Q: What is as sharp as a vampires fang?
A: His other fang.
 
Q: What do the birds sing on Halloween?
A: Twick or Tweet
 
Q: What did the little ghost have in his rock collection?
A: Tombstones
 
Q: Why should a skeleton drink 10 glasses of milk a day?
A: It's good for the bones
 
Q: What do baby ghosts wear on Halloween?
A: White Pillowcases
 
Q: What do you get when you drop a pumpkin?
A: Squash
 
Q: Why did the witches' team lose the baseball game?
A: Their bats flew away
 
Q: What was the witches favorite subject in school?
A: Spelling
 
Q: Why did the mummy call the doctor?
A: Because he was coffin
 
Q: What does a vampire fear most?
A: Tooth decay
 
Q: Where did the vampire open his savings account?
A: At a blood bank
 
Q: What did the mad scientist eat on Halloween?
A: Frankenfurters with Ketchup
 
Q: Where do mummies go for a swim?
A: To the dead sea
 
Q: What is Transylvania?
A: Dracula's terror-tory
 
Q: Where does Dracula water ski?
A: On Lake Erie
 
Q: What kind of boat pulls Dracula when he water skis?
A: A blood vessel
 
Q: What do you get when you divide the diameter of a jack-o-lantern
   by its circumference?
A: Pumpkin Pi
 
Q: Why are there fences around cemeteries?
A: Because people are dying to get in.
 
Q: Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
A: He didn't have the guts.
 
Q: What does a ghost eat for lunch?
A: A BOO-logna sandwich.
 
Q: How does the silly witch know what time it is?
A: She looks at her witch-watch.
 
Q: What did the Mommy ghost say to the baby ghost?
A: Don't spook until your spooken to.
 
Q: What kind of protozoa likes Halloween?
A: An amoeboo!
 
Q: How do vampires get around on Halloween night?
A: By blood vessels.
 
Q: Why do ghouls and demons hang out together?
A: Because demons are a ghoul's best friend!
 
Q: What happened to the guy who couldn't keep up payments to his
   exorcist?
A: He was repossessed.
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 30 Oct 1998 10:25:14 -0600
From:    RANEBOUX <wett@GS.VERIO.NET>
Subject: Doctor Doctor
 
A brunette goes into a doctor's office:
 
Brunette:  Doctor, I don't know what's wrong with me.
 
Doctor:  Well, tell me your symptoms.
 
Brunette:  Well, everything hurts.  When I touch my nose it hurts
(touching nose), when I touch my leg it hurts (touching leg), when
I touch my arm it hurts (touching arm), it just hurts everywhere!
 
Doctor (after looking at her for a second): Did you used to be a
blonde?
 
Brunette:  Why yes!
 
Doctor:  Your finger's broken.
 
 
http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/Delta/9989/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 30 Oct 1998 08:57:20 -0800
From:    "Fong, Dara" <dara_fong@USCS.COM>
Subject: Height vs. Length <off. to managers>
 
A group of managers was given the assignment of measuring the
height of a flagpole. They go out to the flagpole with ladders and
tape measures, but they continually fall off the ladders and drop
the tape measures - the whole thing is just a mess.
 
An engineer comes along and sees what they're trying to do, walks
over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures
it from end to end, gives the measurement to one of the managers
and walks away.
 
After the engineer has gone, one manager turns to another and
laughs. "Isn't that just like an engineer!  We're looking for the
height and he gives us the length!"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 30 Oct 1998 12:17:03 EST
From:    Sue Sevin <SueS7@AOL.COM>
Subject: Halloween Costume <adult>
 
The guy had invited his girlfriend to attend a Halloween party with
him, & showed up at her door wearing only a pair of roller blades.
 
"Uh, and just what on Earth are you supposed to be?" she asked.
 
"What else?" he replied smiling. "I'm a pull toy!"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 30 Oct 1998 13:31:45 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Semi-comic comments & questions about contemporary life
 
Why is it when you're hungry for a doughnut, it's always a left
turn across heavy traffic?
 
Neo-conservatism has confused many fundamental conservatives about
the true meaning of being conservative. I am confused beyond
limits.
 
Remember back when we only had two sexes?
 
An absent-minded friend of mine said he was going to run for
political office so he could find out some of the things he did 20
years ago.
 
They should investigate the Yerkes Primate Center and let the
chimps fall where they may.
 
I was on an elevator and three guys dressed like the Three
Musketeers got on. I asked them what floor and they said, "One for
all and all for one."
 
Does anyone ever get their third wind?
 
I told my girlfriend, "How can I miss you if you won't go away?"
 
My neighborhood was so tough that the school newspaper had an
obituary column.
 
You know you're getting old when you catch yourself telling a
younster about how you used to go to the movies with only 25 cents,
and that covered the price of the movie ticket, popcorn, & a Coke.
 
I am an est Atlantan and my son had his beeper at 13, his cell
phone at 14 and his car at 15. I wasn't labeled a snob, but he was
labeled a drug dealer.
 
Seen the fall TV schedule? I think the American Library Association
has secretly conspired to make TV so bad that people will start
reading books.
 
My doctor says I need to take exercise. Does anybody know an
exercise that doesn't require a lot of movement?
 
I kiss my money goodbye so often that my credit cards are getting
jealous.
 
I just got back from a trip to Iowa. You can watch your dog run
away there for three days.
 
Newt promised to help the Chattahoochee River, but funds to help
the river never cleared Congress. Did the river forget to send in a
big enough campaign contribution?
 
The U.S. Constitution prohibits double jeopardy. Therefore, Georgia
cannot have Newt Gingrich AND Bob Barr.
 
My friend told me, "I'll burn that bridge when I get to it."
 
 
Source: http://www.accessatanlta.com/news/thevent
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 30 Oct 1998 18:59:08 GMT
From:    Catweasel <catweasel@CATWEASEL.ORG>
Subject: Nice Tie
 
A man walks into a healthfood restaurant after a day at the office,
sits down and orders a nice big dish of brown rice and stir-fry
veggies.
 
He grabs a handful of peanuts from the bowl on the counter by the
cash register while he's waiting for his order, and as he starts to
chew he hears a voice say, "That's a beautiful tie, is that silk?
Very NICE choice!"
 
Wondering who would make such a strange comment, he looks around
and doesn't see anyone near him who could've been speaking to him.
With a shrug, he pops a few more peanuts into his mouth.
 
Next he hears a voice, "Those shoes are stylin', my man. Are they
Italian leather? They look GRRREAT!"
 
He whirls around to again but sees no one near him. He glances
nervously around and then at his shoes, which he tucks
self-consciously under the stool.
 
A little wierded out, he grabs another handful of peanuts. This
time the voice continues with, "That suit looks FANTASTIC! Is it an
Armani?  Very nice!"
 
He immediately calls the waiter over and says, "Look. I keep
hearing these voices telling me how great my tie, my shoes, and my
suit look -- What's up with that? Am I GOING CRAZY??"
 
"Oh," the waiter nonchalantly replies, "those are just the
peanuts."
 
"The PEANUTS?!?" the astonished man asks, staring at the bowl
beside him.
 
"Yes," replies the waiter... "they're complimentary !!"
 
 
http://www.catweasel.org
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 30 Oct 1998 09:36:27 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: PUNY Riddles 6
 
41. What's the dance from the '30s that was popular with field
    hands harvesting a certain green, somewhat cylindrical
    vegetable?
 
42. In the advertising industry, what do they call a late night TV
    ad for a clinic that helps women kick their sexual addiction?
 
43. Four squid-like sea creatures and their partners are attending
    a barndance. As they all join tentacles to start the dance, the
    caller begins to wonder if the space inside their formation is
    large enough. What mathematical formula can the caller use to
    determine the area enclosed by these four couples?
 
44. What fictional hero told his crew the probability that a woman
    met in the new port would be a trollop by the number of times
    he sounded the klaxon?
 
45. What might break out if a bunch of prowlers stumbled into
    poison ivy?
 
                         - - - - - - - - - - - -
                                Answers
 
 
41. The carry okra
 
42. Nympho-mercial
 
43. Octopi are squared
 
44. Captain Horatio Hornblower
 
45. A rash of burglaries
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 30 Oct 1998 20:58:56 -0800
From:    Steven & Susan <sgarrett@NWRAIN.COM>
Subject: Lawn Job <adult>

 
Two guys were carpooling home from work one day.  Traffic was
crawling along and they were both a bit bored.  The driver was
looking around and suddenly pointed at two dogs having sex in
someone's front lawn. "Look," he shouted, "What are the those
dogs doing?  Fighting?"
 
The passenger, being a man of the world, replied, "They're having
sex. Don't tell me that you have never had sex doggie style
before."
 
The driver, a bit embarrassed, admitted that he never had. His
passenger said, "You have to try it. It's pretty cool. Here's
what you do. Tonight when you get home, fix your wife a margarita
and then suggest that you want to try this new sexual position."
 
The driver thought a bit, then decided he would give it a try. 
The next morning, the two commuters were back in the car and the
passenger asked, "Well. How did it go?"
 
The driver replied, "It was GREAT! But it took me SIX margaritas
just to get her naked on the front lawn!"
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 30 Oct 1998 to 31 Oct 1998
************************************************
 
