HUMOR Digest - 29 Oct 1998 to 30 Oct 1998
There are 9 messages totalling 622 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Mrs JimJr
  2. Halloween Jokes
  3. 13 days of Halloween
  4. SCARIEST COSTUMES <adult>
  5. Halloween Q & A (Part 1 of 2)
  6. More silly political comments & questions
  7. Tarzan (Pun)
  8. Classic alloween joke
  9. Signs Of The Times <clean>
 
-------------------------------------------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 29 Oct 1998 05:19:43 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Mrs JimJr
 
* Like a lot of women from her age group, Mrs JimJr knows nothing
  at all about cigars.  She saw me bite the end off one and said,
  "Why don't you just buy the right size ?"
                           - - - - -
 
*   I've never been at ease addressing large groups of people.
  I told Mrs JimJr that I never know what to do with my hands.
    She said, "Why not try putting them over your mouth ?"
                           - - - - -
 
* Approached for a contribution for Clinton's last campaign, Mrs
  JimJr said she'd be more than happy to give if she could be
  assured that the money would be used for a lie-detector implant
  and starch for his backbone.
                           - - - - -
 
*   I once found Mrs JimJr at the kitchen table looking at her
  receipt from the grocery store.  I asked her what was wrong.
    She replied, "It's so sad to realize that most of this stuff
  is worth more per pound than I am."
                           - - - - -
 
*   No one hates high pressure sales tactics more than Mrs JimJr.
  At a dress shop once, an over-eager salesgirl said, "Oh ! That
  dress IS you !!!"
    Mrs JimJr, looking in the mirror, was silent for a moment,
  then said, "Too bad.  I have such terrible taste."
                           - - - - -
 
*   Mrs JimJr and I once wanted very badly to see a top rated
  play appearing here for a limited engagement.  Hoping to luck
  out with a cancellation, we went directly to the theater and
  I asked if there were any tickets at all.  The woman in the
  ticket booth said that they were sold out, but they did have
  some standing-room-only spots left.
    Mrs JimJr queried, "Are they together ?"
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Indexed UGA Humor Digests 1997-1998:
     (text)  www2.crosswinds.net/baltimore/~jimjr
      (zip)  www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
 
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 29 Oct 1998 07:05:30 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Halloween Jokes
 
 Q. What do goblins and ghosts drink when they're hot and
    thirsty on Halloween?
 A. Ghoul-aid!!!
 
 Q. What is a Mummie's favorite type of music?
 A. Wrap!!!!!
 
 Q. Why do demons and ghouls hang out together?
 A. Because demons are a ghoul's best friend!
 
 Q. What's a monster's favorite bean?
 A. A human bean.
 
 Q. What do you call a witch who lives at the beach?
 A. A sand-witch.
 
 Q. Where does a ghost go on Saturday night?
 A. Anywhere where he can  boo-gie.
 
 Q. What do ghosts say when something is really neat?
 A. "Ghoul!"
 
 Q. Why did the game warden arrest the ghost?
 A. He didn't have a haunting license.
 
 Q. Why didn't the skeleton dance at the party?
 A. He had no body to dance with.
 
 Q: Why didn't the skelton cros the street?
 A: He had no guts.
 
 Q. Where did the goblin throw the football?
 A. Over the ghoul line.
 
 Q. Why is a ghost such a messy eater?
 A. Because he is always a goblin.
 
 Q. What is a vampires favorite holiday?
 A. Fangsgiving
 
 Q. Who was the most famous ghost detective?
 A. Sherlock Moans.
 
 Q. Who was the most famous skeleton detective?
 A. Sherlock Bones.
 
 Q. Who was the most famous French skeleton?
 A. Napoleon Bone-apart
 
 Q. Which building does Dracula visit in New York?
 A. The Vampire State Building.
 
 Q. Where do most werewolves live?
 A. In Howllywood, California
 
 Q. Where do most goblins live?
 A. In North and South Scarolina.
 
 Q. What do little monsters call their parents?
 A. "Mummy" and "Deady"
 
 Q. What's it like to be kissed by a vampire?
 A. It's a pain in the neck.
 
 Q. Why did Dracula take cold medicine?
 A. To stop his coffin.
 
 Q. Why don't mummies take vacations?
 A. They're afraid they'll relax and unwind.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 29 Oct 1998 06:17:06 -0600
From:    RANEBOUX <wett@GS.VERIO.NET>
Subject: 13 days of Halloween
 
     (Permission was granted to exceed length)
 
THE THIRTEEN DAYS OF HALLOWEEN
 
On the first day of Halloween
my mailman brought to me
A Gho-o-o-ul in a dead tree.
 
On the second day of Halloween,
 my mailman brought to me
two walking mummies,
and a Gho-o-o-ul in a dead tree.
 
On the third day of Halloween,
my mailman brought to me
three black cats,
two walking mummies,
and a Gho-o-o-ul in a dead tree.
 
On the fourth day of Halloween,
my mailman brought to me
four spooky ghosts,
three black cats,
two walking mummies,
and a Gho-o-o-ul in a dead tree.
 
On the fifth day of Halloween,
my mailman brought to me
five witches riding brooms,
four spooky ghosts,
three black cats,
two walking mummies,
and a Gho-o-o-ul in a dead tree.
 
On the sixth day of Halloween,
my mailman brought to me
six hooting owls,
five witches riding brooms,
four spooky ghosts,
three black cats,
two walking mummies,
and a Gho-o-o-ul in a dead tree.
 
On the seventh day of Halloween,
my mailman brought to me
seven scary pumpkins,
six hooting owls,
five witches riding brooms,
four spooky ghosts,
three black cats,
two walking mummies,
and a Gho-o-o-ul in a dead tree.
 
On the eighth day of Halloween,
my mailman brought to me
eight freaky franks,
seven scary pumpkins,
six hooting owls,
five witches riding brooms,
four spooky ghosts,
three black cats
two walking mummies,
and a Gho-o-o-ul in a dead tree.
 
On the ninth day of Halloween,
my mailman brought to me
nine reapers reaping,
eight freaky franks,
seven scary pumpkins,
six hooting owls,
five witches riding brooms,
four spooky ghosts,
three black cats,
two walking mummies,
and a Gho-o-o-ul in a dead tree.
 
On the tenth day of Halloween,
my mailman brought to me
ten skulls a-smoking,
nine reapers reaping,
eight freaky franks,
seven scary pumpkins,
six hooting owls,
five witches riding brooms,
four spooky ghosts,
three black cats,
two walking mummies,
and a Gho-o-o-ul in a dead tree.
 
On the eleventh day of Halloween,
my mailman brought to me
eleven coffins creaking,
ten skulls a-smoking,
nine reapers reaping,
eight freaky franks,
seven scary pumpkins,
six hooting owls,
five witches riding brooms,
four spooky ghosts,
three black cats,
two walking mummies,
and a Gho-o-o-ul in a dead tree.
 
On the twelfth day of Halloween,
my mailman brought to me
twelve skeletons a-dancing,
eleven coffins creaking,
ten skulls a-smoking,
nine reapers reaping,
eight freaky franks,
seven scary pumpkins,
six hooting owls,
five witches riding brooms,
four spooky ghosts,
three black cats,
two walking mummies,
and a Gho-o-o-ul in a dead tree.
 
On the thirteenth day of Halloween,
 
Before this could happen......
 
......I Moved!
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 29 Oct 1998 07:56:55 -0500
From:    Paul Benoit <Paul_Benoit@SPEEDLINE.COOKSON.COM>
Subject: SCARIEST COSTUMES <adult>
 
With Holloween coming this weekend,
I figured I'd get my part started right with...
 
 
THE SCARIEST COSTUMES IN WASHINGTON, D.C.
                 --------------------------------------------
 -- 93-year-old Senator Strom Thurmond "dressed" as
       Tarzan wearing a Medicare badge.
 -- A tobacco lobbyist dressed as a beggar ("There goes
         your campaign financing, Congressman").
 -- Al Gore Disco Fever costume.
 -- Attorney General Janet Reno dressed as Charles Manson.
 -- Evil British nanny.
 -- Flaming Tofu Burrito from Hell on a Stick.
 -- Guy who ate too much Olestra.
 -- Hillary Clinton dressed as Madonna dressed as Evita.
 -- Jacko-Lantern.
 -- Janet Reno's Little French Maid Outfit.
 -- Marge Schott's less attractive, slightly more racist sister
 -- Marv Albert, Warrior Princess.
 -- Mighty Menstruatin' Power Ranger.
 -- Pat Buchanan dressed as Detective Mark Fuhrman.
 -- Positive Home Pregnancy Test.
 -- President Jesse Helms.
 -- Ralph Nader dressed as, well, Ralph Nader.
 -- Redskins quarterback Gus Ferrotte dressed as Jack Kemp.
 -- Representative Newt Gingrich dressed as Dr. Kevorkian.
 -- Senator Ted "Chappaquiddick" Kennedy dressed as a taxi driver.
 -- Vice President Al Gore dressed as Tipper Gore.
                          *************
 
One thing vampire children have to be taught
   early on is, don't run with a wooden stake.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 29 Oct 1998 09:09:26 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Halloween Q & A (Part 1 of 2)
 
Q. Why don't witches like to ride their brooms when they're angry?
A. They're afraid of flying off the handle!
 
Q. Who won the skeleton beauty contest?
A. No body
 
Q. What do skeletons say before they begin dining?
A. Bone appetite!
 
Q. Where do baby ghosts go during the day?
A. Dayscare centers
 
Q. Who did Frankenstein take to the prom?
A. His ghoul friend.
 
Q. What monster flies his kite in a rain storm?
A. Benjamin Frankenstein
 
Q. What do ghosts serve for dessert?
A. Ice Scream
 
Q. What's a monster's favorite play?
A. Romeo and Ghouliet
 
Q. What do witches put on their hair?
A. Scare spray
 
Q. What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost?
A. Bamboo
 
Q. What's a haunted chicken?
A. A poultry-geist
 
Q. How can you tell when you're in bed with Count Dracula?
A. He has a big D on his pajamas
 
Q. What's pink and gray and wrinkly and old and belongs to
   Grandpa monster?
A. Grandma monster
 
Q. Why did the monster eat a light bulb?
A. Because he was in need of a light snack
 
Q. Why are most monsters covered in wrinkles?
A. Have you ever tried to iron a monster?
 
Q. What kind of mistakes do spooks make?
A. Boo boos
 
Q. Why couldn't Dracula's wife get to sleep?
A. Because of his coffin
 
Q. Why do mummies make excellent spies?
A. They're good at keeping things under wraps
 
Q. What kind of cereal do monsters eat?
A. Ghost-Toasties
 
Q. What kind of monster is safe to put in the washing machine?
A. A wash and wear wolf
 
Q. What's the first thing ghosts do when they get into a car?
A. They boo-kle their seatbelts
 
Q. What has webbed feet, feathers, fangs and goes quack-quack?
A. Count Duckula
 
Q. What do you call a person who puts poison in a person's corn
   flakes?
A. A cereal killer
 
Q. Why are monsters huge and hairy and ugly?
A. Because if they were small and round and smooth they'd be M&Ms
 
Q. Why wasn't there any food left after the monster party?
A. Because everyone was a goblin!
 
Q. How did the ghost patch his sheet?
A. With a pumpkin patch.
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 29 Oct 1998 12:52:38 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: More silly political comments & questions
 
Excuse me, but while Clinton was being "entertained" the country
was prospering. Now look at the market mess. Line `em up and let
the good times roll again.
 
Where are they taking these Clinton approval polls, at meetings of
Adulterers Anonymous?
 
Wouldn't it be ironic if Monica's dress turned out to be Clinton's
"pink slip?"
 
In reference to the dumbing down of America: I think the new low is
that 60 percent of Americans don't know what lying under oath is.
 
Revised judicial oath: "I solemnly swear to tell the truth as I
know it, the whole truth, as I believe it to be, and nothing but
what I think you need to know."
 
When is the Republican Party going to realize that every time it
gets into a public relations battle with Bill Clinton, he is going
to kick its butt? Give it up folks. He is smarter and slicker than
y'all are.
 
Isn't blaming the Clinton scandal on Ken Starr a lot like blaming
World War II on the Nuremberg prosecutors?
 
Every time Bill Clinton is asked about Monica Lewinsky, it sounds
like Abbott and Costello's "Who's on First" routine.
 
Some people in Washington said the grand jury tapes were released
just to embarrass Clinton. If he wasn't already embarrassed, I
doubt if the tapes would do it.
 
Does anyone else think that Paula Jones has a little more
credibility these days?
 
Isn't it about time someone wrote a country and western son with
Linda Tripp in the title?
 
Remember all those tobacco executives we watched raise their right
hands, swearing to tell the truth-who didn't? What happened to
them?  Did they get impeached? Or indicted for perjury?
 
Reno: Tell us, Mr. Starr, did you have prior contact with Paula
      Jones' attorneys?
Starr: Define contact.
 
The Bubbaville Creed: Ask not what Bubba can do for you, rather ask
what you can do for Bubba.
 
Healine: "Clinton rejects Jones offer."
          I figure that makes them even.
 
 
Source: http://www.accessatlanta.com/news/thevent
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 29 Oct 1998 17:54:09 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Tarzan (Pun)
 
Let's us suppose for the sake of this story that you were able to
take a trip to Africa and capture Lord Greystoke, also known as
Tarzan.  Additionally, for the sake of this story, we will assume
that you were an evil musician who killed the lord and, very much
similar to the technique used with catgut, made violin strings from
his intestinal membranes. You then put those strings on your
violin, and played one song over and over, continuously.
 
What song would you be playing?
                         - - - - - - - - - - -
                                Answer
 
 
No, not ...  Gorilla of my dreams, I Love you.
 
 
Tarzan's Tripes, Forever!
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 29 Oct 1998 20:29:52 -0800
From:    Steven & Susan <sgarrett@NWRAIN.COM>
Subject: Classic alloween joke
 
A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a
terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.
He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she
was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no
need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his
costume and away he went.
 
The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without
pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party.
In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she
thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how
he acted when she was not with him.
 
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around
on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and
copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife moved
up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his
partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had
just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since
he was her husband.
 
Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she
agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang.
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home
and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of
explanation he would make for his behavior.
 
She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a
time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never
have a good time when you're not there."
 
Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"
 
He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I
got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went
into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you... the
guy I loaned my costume to, sure had a real good time!"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 30 Oct 1998 09:57:40 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMCLTD.COM>
Subject: Signs Of The Times <clean>
 
In March 1992 a man living in Newtown near Boston Massachusetts
received a bill for his as yet  unused credit card stating that he
owed $0.00.  He ignored it and threw it away. In April he received
another and threw that one away too.
 
The following month the credit card company sent him a very nasty
note stating they were going to cancel his card if he didn't send
them $0.00 by return of post. He called them, talked to them, they
said it was a computer error and told him they'd take care of it.
 
The following month he decided that it was about time that he tried
out the troublesome credit card figuring that if there were
purchases on his account it would put an end to his ridiculous
predicament.  However, in the first store that he produced his
credit card in payment for his purchases he found that his card had
been cancelled.  He called the credit card company who apologized
for the computer error once again and said that they would take
care of it.
 
The next day he got a bill for $0.00 stating that payment was now
overdue.  Assuming that having spoken to the credit card company
only the previous day the latest bill was yet another mistake he
ignored it, trusting that the company would be as good as their
word and sort the problem out.
 
The next month he got a bill for $0.00 stating that he had 10 days
to pay his account or the company would have to take steps to
recover the debt.  Finally giving in he thought he would play the
company at their own game and  mailed them a check for $0.00.  The
computer duly processed his account and returned a statement to
the effect that he now owed the credit card company nothing at all.
 
A week later, the man's bank called him asking him what he was
doing writing a check for $0.00. After a lengthy explanation the
bank replied that the $0.00 check had caused their check processing
software to fail. The bank could not now process ANY checks from
ANY of their customers that day because the check for $0.00 was
causing the computer to crash.
 
The following month the man received a letter from the credit card
company claiming that his check had bounced and that he now owed
them $0.00 and unless he sent a check by return of post they would
be taking steps to recover the debt. The man, who had been
considering buying his wife a computer for her  birthday, bought
her a typewriter instead.
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 29 Oct 1998 to 30 Oct 1998
************************************************
 
