HUMOR Digest - 28 Oct 1998 to 29 Oct 1998
There are 10 messages totalling 426 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Limericks <adult humor>
  2. Women!!?? (offensive to women)
  3. The Halloween Ball
  4. The Library Zone 2
  5. Bill's Girls <adult>
  6. JEWISH GENIE(Adult)
  7. Will you?
  8. From The Chronicle of Higher Education
  9. Quid Pro Quo
 10. Star Wars (Pun)
 
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Date:    Wed, 28 Oct 1998 04:32:06 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Limericks <adult humor>
 
* A limerick packs laughs anatomical
  Into space that's quite economical
  But the good ones I write
  Are dirty, not trite
  And the clean ones aren't very comical
             - - - - -
 
* A lezzie girl from Khartoum
  Asked a gay boy up to her room
  They spent half the night
  In a hell of a fight
  Over who should do what, and to whom
             - - - - -
 
* A wanton young lady from Wimley
  Reproached for not acting primly,
  Said, "Heaven's above,
  I know sex ain't love...
  But it's sure an attractive facsimile"
             - - - - -
 
* There was a young lady name Twilling
  Who went to the dentist for drilling
  But due to depravity
  He filled the wrong cavity,
  Now Twilling's nursing her filling
             - - - - -
 
* There once was a warrior from Parma
  Who got into bed with a charmer
  She, naturally nude,
  Said, "Don't think me rude,
  But I do wish you'd take off your armor"
             - - - - -
 
* She wasn't what one would call pretty,
  And the other girls offered her pity
  Thus nobody guessed
  That her Wassermann Test
  Involved half the men of the city
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
 
Indexed UGA Humor Digests 1997-1998:
     (text)  www2.crosswinds.net/baltimore/~jimjr
      (zip)  www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
 
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 28 Oct 1998 06:35:22 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Women!!?? (offensive to women)
 
 Q: How many men does it take to open a beer?
 A: None. It should be open by the time she brings it.
 
 Q: Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
 A: Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will
    never be able to support you.
 
 Q: Why do women have smaller feet than men?
 A: So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.
 
 Q: How do you know when a woman's about to say something smart?
 A: When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."
 
 Q: How do you fix a woman's watch?
 A: Don't bother. There's a clock on the oven!
 
 Q: Why do men pass gas more than women?
 A: Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.
 
 Q: Why were shopping carts invented?
 A: To teach women to walk on their hind legs.
 
 Women are like guns, keep one around long enough and you're going
 to want to shoot it.
 
 Q: If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is
    yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
 A: The dog, of course... at least he'll shut up after you let
    him in.
 
 All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell
 them apart.
 
 Q: What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
 A: A woman that won't do what she's told.
 
 Q: How many women does it take to paint a wall?
 A: It depends on how hard you throw them.
 
 Q: What do you call a woman with two brain cells?
 A: Pregnant.
 
 I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was
 Always.
 
 I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I'm not allowed to
 interrupt her.
 
 Q: What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
 A: Divorced.
 
 Bigamy is having one wife too many. Some say monogamy is the same.
 
 Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex
 drive by 90%: It's called wedding cake.
 
 Marriage is a 3 ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and
 suffering.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 28 Oct 1998 08:26:02 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: The Halloween Ball
 
A squad car driver was covering a quiet beat out in the sticks when
he was amazed to find a former lieutenant on the police force
covering the beat. He stopped the car and asked, "Why, Mike, this
wouldn't be your new beat out here in the sticks, would it?"
 
"That it is," Mike replied grimly, "ever since I arrested the judge
on his way to the masquerade ball."
 
"You mean you pinched his honor?" asked Pat.
 
"How was I to know that his convict suit was only a costume?"
demanded Mike.
 
"Well," mused Pat, "'tis life and there's a lesson in this
somewhere."
 
"That there is," replied Mike... "'Tis wise never to book a judge
by his cover."
 
     -Thanks to MC
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 28 Oct 1998 15:40:49 +0200
From:    Lize Lubbe <lubbe@INTEKOM.CO.ZA>
Subject: The Library Zone 2
 
Jim Mica's tale of the stapling students reminded me of an incident
that took place in our library some years ago. The one librarian
tended to be rather unfriendly and took the 'No Dogs in the
Library' issue very seriously. One evening a dog strayed into the
library and promptly left its doggy-doo right in front of the
IN-desk. The librarian gasped in disbelief.
 
The next moment a woman walked in the door. "And you will clean it
up!" she shouted the librarian, pointing at the offensive pile on
the floor. The woman looked at the librarian with a blank
expression -- it wasn't her dog!
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 28 Oct 1998 09:55:19 -0500
From:    Paul Benoit <Paul_Benoit@SPEEDLINE.COOKSON.COM>
Subject: Bill's Girls <adult>
 
POSSIBLE NAMES FOR THE STAIN
          ON MONICA'S DRESS
 
     Arkan Sauce
     Bill's Spill
     The Secretion Service
     All the President's Semen
     Chelsea's Little Sister
     Presidential "Pardon"
     Sperm Spangled Splatter
     Willie's Slick
     In the Line of Fire
     Buddy Did It!
         ---------------------------
 
After many years of marriage, Hillary was still questioning Bill
about his lurid past. "C'mon, tell me," she asked for the
thousandth time, "how many women have you slept with?"
 
"Baby, " he protested, "if I told you, you'd throw a fit." Hillary
promised she wouldn't get angry, and convinced her hubby to tell
her.
 
"Okay," he said, "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven - um,
then there's you - nine, ten, 11, 12, 13..."
         ---------------------------
 
Interesting things about Monica Lewinsky:
     -- Nobody would know about her if it weren't for Bill
     -- She sucks
     -- She blows
     -- She's bloated
     -- She's the focus of a huge legal battle
     -- She'll go down in a heartbeat
Who does she think she is, Microsoft Windows?
         ---------------------------
 
U.S. First Lady Hillary Rodham Clinton turns 51 this week.
What should President Clinton get her for her birthday?
     (__)  An "I'm With Horny" T-Shirt.
     (__)  Framed needlepoint of Jones deposition
              definition of "sexual relations."
     (__)  Cook gourmet meal and set it out on White House
              lawn as far as chain from First Doghouse will reach.
     (__)  Her dignity back.
 
------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 28 Oct 1998 10:43:41 -0600
From:    RANEBOUX <wett@GS.VERIO.NET>
Subject: JEWISH GENIE(Adult)
 
A Jamaican guy gets stranded on a deserted island when he finds a
lamp washed up on the beach. Remembering the tale of Aladdin he
rubbed it, and POOF! A  Genie appeared, a Jewish Genie.
 
"Oy Vey!", exclaimed the Genie, "Am I glad to be to there. Tree
hundred years I been in that thing, my life and soul ! What can I
do for you my boy?
 
"The Jamaican asked the Genie if he granted wishes."
 
 "Wishes, schmishes! Course I do. I'll grant you two wishes, used
to be three but I gotta think about my margins."
 
"Well", said the Jamaican after some consideration, "I'd like to be
white and surrounded by women."
 
"No problem", said the Genie, and with a wave of his hand the
Jamaican was transformed into a tampon.
 
 MORAL: Never do business with a Jewish Genie. There's always a
        string attached.
 
 
  http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/Delta/9989/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 28 Oct 1998 17:21:16 GMT
From:    Catweasel <catweasel@CATWEASEL.ORG>
Subject: Will you?
 
A friend of mine gave a party for her granddaughter the other day,
a no expense spared job - caterer, band, and a clown.  Just before
the party started, two guys showed up looking for a handout.
Feeling sorry for them, she told them that they could get a meal if
they chopped some firewood.  Gratefully, they headed to the rear of
the house and set to work.  Guests arrived, the weather was superb,
and all was going well, with the children having a wonderful time.
 
But the clown was late, and finally, he called to report that his
car had broken down and would probably not make the party at all.
My friend was very disappointed and unsuccessfully tried to
entertain the children herself.  She happened to look out the
window and saw one of the two guys doing cartwheels across the
lawn.  She watched in awe as he swung from tree branches, did
midair flips, and leapt high in the air.
 
She called the other guy over and said, "What your friend is doing
is absolutely marvelous.  I have never seen such a thing.  Do you
think he would consider repeating this performance for the children
at the party?  I would pay him 50 quid!"
 
"Well," he responded, "I dunno... let me ask him. HEY WILLIE; FOR
50 QUID, WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?"
 
 
http://www.catweasel.org
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 28 Oct 1998 16:37:08 -0500
From:    Jim Mica <jmica@ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: From The Chronicle of Higher Education
 
WARNING:  The following may be offensive to English teachers and 
          professors.
                        *****************
11-27-98    ---Chronicle of Higher Education
 
On splitting infinitives, 'O.E.D.'
Decides to boldly go with the flow
 
     -By Mitch Gerber
 
 
Judiciously to split infinitives is just fine, as a way reliable to
avoid awkward sentences, the editors of the Oxford English
Dictionary's U.S. version have decided.
                    . . . . . . . . .
 
"Writers who insisted that English could be modeled on Latin long
ago created the 'rule' that the English infinitive must not be
split: 'to clearly state' was wrong; one must say 'to state
clearly,'" says the note, under the entry for "infinitive." "But
the Latin infinitive is one word, and cannot be split, so the
'rule' is not firmly grounded, and treating two English words as
one can lead to awkward, stilted sentences."
                    . . . . . . . . .
 
Reaction among English professors is mixed.  "I do not dine with
those who split infinitives," Samuel Pickering, of the University
of Connecticut, told The Hartford Courant.
 
     Copyright (C) 1998 by the Chronicle of Higher Education
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 28 Oct 1998 18:18:08 -0500
From:    Peter Beloin <pbeloin@BANET.NET>
Subject: Quid Pro Quo
 
Another enemy decoy, built in occupied Holland, led to a tale that
has been told and retold ever since by veteran Allied pilots. The
German "airfield," constructed with meticulous care, was made
almost entirely of wood.
 
There were wooden hangars, oil tanks, gun emplacements, trucks, and
aircraft.
 
The Germans took so long in building their wooden decoy that Allied
photo experts had more than enough time to observe and report it.
 
The day finally came when the decoy was finished, down to the last
wooden plank. And early the following morning, a lone RAF plane
crossed the Channel, came in low, circled the field once, and
dropped a large... wooden bomb.
 
 
Excerpted from the book
"Masquerade: The Amazing Camouflage Deceptions of World War II",
by Seymour Reit;
Signet, 1980
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 28 Oct 1998 16:48:56 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Star Wars (Pun)
 
"Mike, I've got a strange tale. Heard it from a Klingon last night,
and I thought the folks might appreciate it."
 
"It has to do with those two famous characters, Anakin and Luke
Skywalker. The tale concerns that time when Anakin was going by the
name of Vader, specifically the lightsaber battle they fought in
the cloud city. The depiction of that fight in the Lucas film was
fairly accurate, but it left out a few details."
 
"It seems that, during the course of the fracas, more words were
exchanged while the two of them were temporarily clenched with
their weapons locked against each other, and apparently the
director must have felt that some editing would make the dialogue a
bit snappier, so some of them were snipped out."
 
"So here's the rest of what they said to each other."
 
'Luke, there is something that you do not know.'
 
'What's that?'
 
'Luke, I know, beyond doubt, what you are getting for Christmas.'
 
'You're wrong. You can't know that.'
 
'Nevertheless, it is so.'
 
'I don't believe you! This isn't possible!'
 
'Trust me, Luke, I do know what you are getting for Christmas. I
know it with the same degree of certainly as I know of the
inevitability of the failure of your pitiful rebellion.'
 
'You can't know that. The rebellion will succeed!'
 
'I know a great many things, Luke. Join with me, let me show you
the true power of the Dark Side of the force, and together we can
destroy the emperor!'
 
'Is that why you think you know what I'm going to get for
Christmas? You think your mastery of the Dark Side can show you the
future?'
 
'The Dark Side shows me many things, Luke, but I did not need it
for this.'
 
'Then how do you know what I'm getting?'
 
'It's very simple, Luke...  I have felt your presents.'
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 28 Oct 1998 to 29 Oct 1998
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