HUMOR Digest - 27 Oct 1998 to 28 Oct 1998
There are 8 messages totalling 422 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Hippies
  2. Jewish mothers <could be off. to Jewish mothers>
  3. She Was So Blonde That.... (off. to blondes)
  4. If Microsoft Made Toasters
  5. <HUMOR> See ya in the Funny Papers!
  6. If Men Ruled The World... <adult>
  7. KISS HANKS ASS..
  8. Origin of Headlines (Pun: Rated: Sexual)
 
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Date:    Tue, 27 Oct 1998 03:51:03 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Hippies
 
Admin Note:
Well, I've proven once again that we all can make mistakes.
Thanks to all who pointed out an error in the latest Traffic
Report.  At least I know some of you are reading it.  The
table was labeled as "Sept" -- that was incorrect.  It should
have been October, naturally; all of the dates/numbers were
at least correct.  Typical cut-and-paste error, sorry.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
 
I usually do jokes about the 50's because there wasn't much
humorous in the US during the 60's, except for the hippies:
 
* Male Hippies were the guys with the long hair.  Actually, it
  probably came in handy -- they didn't have to buy shirts
 
* It really bothered me seeing them comb their shoulder length
  hair around food -- and the girls were just as bad
 
* Every morning at the bus & train stations you could see the
  hippie chicks using the rest rooms to dirty-up a little
 
* The hippie chicks of that era really didn't have much taste
  in clothes -- I'd seen poultry dressed better
 
* And all of the hippies could carry their medicine cabinets
  right along with them -- in brown paper bags
 
* I'm not sure which was worst, their body odor or their breath;
  with all the drugs used, if they breathed on ya, you'd go limp
 
* There's still some old hippies around, but instead of drugs,
  they're snorting prunes and Maalox now
 
* Even back then, the hippies tried to legalize marijuana;
  but... they kept forgetting where they left the petitions
 
* One hippie mixed the ashes from his cremated ex with pot --
  said it was the only time she ever made him feel good
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Indexed UGA Humor Digests 1997-1998:
     (text)  www2.crosswinds.net/baltimore/~jimjr
      (zip)  www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
 
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 27 Oct 1998 13:03:29 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Jewish mothers <could be off. to Jewish mothers>
 
Two Jewish mothers meet for coffee.
 
"Well Ruthie, how are the kids?"
 
"To tell you the truth, my Abie has married a slut! She doesn't get
out of bed until 11, she's out all day spending his money on God
knows what, and when he gets home, exhausted, does she have a nice
hot dinner for him? Psha! She makes him take her out to dinner at
an expensive restaurant."
 
"And Esther?"
 
"Ah! Esther has married a saint. He brings her breakfast in bed,
he gives her enough money to buy all she needs, and in the evening
he takes her out to dinner at a smart restaurant.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 27 Oct 1998 07:03:53 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: She Was So Blonde That.... (off. to blondes)
 
 - she thought TuPac Shakur was a jewish holiday
 - she sent me a fax with a stamp on it
 - she thought a quarterback was a refund
 - she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order
 - she thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center
 - she thought Meow Mix was a record for cats
 - under "education" on her job application, she put
   "Hooked On Phonics"
 - she tried to drown a fish
 - she tripped over a cordless phone
 - she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because
   it said "concentrate"
 - she put lipsick on her forehead because she wanted to make up
   her mind
 - she got stabbed in a shoot-out
 - she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK"
 - she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death
 - if you gave her a penny for intelligence, you'd get change back
 - they had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade
 - she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept
 - at the bottom of the application where it says "sign here"...
   she put "Sagittarius"
 - she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store
 - it takes her two hours to watch 60 Minutes
 - if she spoke her mind, she'd probably be speechless
 - she studied for a blood test - and failed
 - she thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train
 - she sold the car for gas money
 - when she saw the "NC-17" (under 17 not admitted), she went home
   and got 16 friends
 - when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home,
   she moved
 - she thinks Taco Bell is where you pay your phone bill
 - when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead
 - when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said
   "Airport Left" she turned around and went home
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 27 Oct 1998 08:14:49 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: If Microsoft Made Toasters
 
Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a
toaster. You wouldn't have to take the toaster, but you'd still
have to pay for it anyway.
 
Toaster'95 would weigh 15,000 pounds (hence requiring a reinforced
steel countertop), draw enough electricity to power a small city,
take up 95% of the space in your kitchen, would claim to be the
first toaster that lets you control how light or dark you want your
toast to be, and would secretly interrogate your other appliances
to find out who made them.
 
Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless would buy
them since most of the good bread only works with their toasters.
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 27 Oct 1998 11:59:34 -0500
From:    Jim Mica <jmica@ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: <HUMOR> See ya in the Funny Papers!
 
     Who says pop-culture ruining the minds of the young?  Consider
     the following dialogue from Brooke McEklowney's comic strip
     "9 CHICKWOOD LAND"
 
SHE: {thought balloon}
...ragged ...threadbars ...tedious ...disreputable ...pedestrian
 
HE:  {thought balloon}
Why do I get the feeling I'm locked in the sights of a loaded adjective?
 
SHE: (outloud)
Frankly, I think your arguments comprise a tatterdemalion mosaic of
platitudes and complacent bromides that, rather than debate my
assertions, attempt only to asphyxiate them in specious,
manipulative drifts of pompous sententiousness.
 
HE: (outloud)
Your critique strikes me as obfuscatory... can you give me the gist?
 
SHE:  You're a doofus.
 
HE:  (after SHE has stormed out of the frame) Great Gist.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 27 Oct 1998 11:12:06 -0500
From:    Paul Benoit <Paul_Benoit@SPEEDLINE.COOKSON.COM>
Subject: If Men Ruled The World... <adult>
 
... Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically
    forward your call to her real number.
... Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable
    response to "I love you."
... Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.
... When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the
    game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen
    during a time-out.
... Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass & a "Nice
    hustle, you'll get 'em next time" would pretty much do it.
... Birth control would come in ale or lager.
... You'd be expected to fill your resume with gag names of people
    you'd worked for, like "Heywood J'Blowme."
... Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the
    NFL team of your choice.
... The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
... "Sorry I'm late, but I got really wasted last night" would be
    an acceptable excuse for tardiness.
... At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump
    out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and
    right into your car like Fred Flintstone.
... It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on
    horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.
... Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the
    "public ugliness" ordinance.
... Tanks would be far easier to rent.
... Garbage would take itself out.
... Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps."
... Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present
    your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!"
... Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would
    only occur in leap years.
... On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow,
    you'd get the day off to go drinking.
... St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same.
    But it would be celebrated every month.
... "Cops" would be broadcast live, and you could phone in
    advice to the pursuing cops... Or to the crooks.
... Two words: Ally McNaked.
... Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer
    and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative
    pay-per-view event in world history.
... The only show opposite "Monday Night Football" would be
    "Monday Night Football From A Different Camera Angle."
... It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as
    you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.
... Every man would get four real "Get Out of Jail Free" cards per
    year.
... When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer
    you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in:
       - Cop: "You know how fast you were going?"
       - You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the
               place."
       - Cop: "Nice one. That's $10 off."
... Faucets would run "Hot," "Cold," and "100 proof."
... Daisy Duke shorts would never again go out of style.
... Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of
    conversation.

 
------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 27 Oct 1998 13:42:47 -0500
From:    Aditya the Bindu keptic? <a018967t@BC.SEFLIN.ORG>
Subject: KISS HANKS ASS..
 
This morning there was a knock at my door. When I answered the door
I found a well groomed, nicely dressed couple. The man spoke first:
"Hi! I'm John, and this is Mary."
 
Mary: "Hi! We're here to invite you to come kiss Hank's ass with
       us."
  Me: "Pardon me?! What are you talking about? Who's Hank, and why
       would I want to kiss his ass?"
John: "If you kiss Hank's ass, he'll give you a million dollars;
       and if you don't, he'll kick the shit out of you."
  Me: "What? Is this some sort of bizarre mob shake-down?"
John: "Hank is a billionaire philanthropist. Hank built this town.
       Hank owns this town. He can do what ever he wants, and what
       he wants is to give you a million dollars, but he can't
       until you kiss his ass."
  Me: "That doesn't make any sense. Why..."
Mary: "Who are you to question Hank's gift? Don't you want a
       million dollars? Isn't it worth a little kiss on the ass?"
  Me: "Well maybe, if it's legit, but..."
John: "Then come kiss Hank's ass with us."
  Me: "Do you kiss Hank's ass often?"
Mary: "Oh, yes, all the time..."
  Me: "And has he given you a million dollars?"
John: "Well, no, you don't actually get the money until you leave
       town."
  Me: "So why don't you just leave town now?"
Mary: "You can't leave until Hank tells you to, or you don't get
       the money, and he kicks the shit out of you."
  Me: "Do you know anyone who kissed Hank's ass, left town, and
       got the million dollars?"
John: "My mother kissed Hank's ass for years. She left town last
       year, and I'm sure she got the money."
  Me: "Haven't you talked to her since then?"
John: "Of course not, Hank doesn't allow it."
  Me: "So what makes you think he'll actually give you the money
       if you've never talked to anyone who got the money?"
Mary: "Well, he gives you a little bit before you leave. Maybe
       you'll get a raise, maybe you'll win a small lotto, maybe
       you'll just find a twenty dollar bill on the street."
  Me: "What's that got to do with Hank?
John: "Hank has certain 'connections.'"
  Me: "I'm sorry, but this sounds like some sort of bizarre con
       game."
John: "But it's a million dollars, can you really take the chance?
       And remember, if you don't kiss Hank's ass he'll kick the
       shit of you."
  Me: "Maybe if I could see Hank, talk to him, get the details
       straight from him..."
Mary: "No one sees Hank, no one talks to Hank."
  Me: "Then how do you kiss his ass?"
John: "Sometimes we just blow him a kiss, and think of his ass.
       Other times we kiss Karl's ass, and he passes it on."
  Me: "Who's Karl?"
Mary: "A friend of ours. He's the one who taught us all about
       kissing Hank's ass. All we had to do was take him out to
       dinner a few times."
  Me: "And you just took his word for it when he said there was a
       Hank, that Hank wanted you to kiss his ass, and that Hank
       would reward you?"
John: "Oh no! Karl's got a letter Hank sent him years ago
       explaining the whole thing. Here's a copy; see for
       yourself."
 
John handed me a photocopy of a handwritten memo on From the desk
of Karl letterhead. There were eleven items listed:

 1. Kiss Hank's ass and he'll give you a million dollars when you
    leave town.
 2. Use alcohol in moderation.
 3. Kick the shit out of people who aren't like you.
 4. Eat right.
 5. Hank dictated this list himself.
 6. The moon is made of green cheese.
 7. Everything Hank says is right.
 8. Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.
 9. Don't drink.
10. Eat your wieners on buns, no condiments.
11. Kiss Hank's ass or he'll kick the shit out of you.
 
  Me: "This appears to be written on Karl's letterhead."
Mary: "Hank didn't have any paper."
  Me: "I have a hunch that if we checked we'd find this is actually
       Karl's handwriting."
John: "Of course, Hank dictated it."
  Me: "I thought you said no one gets to see Hank?"
Mary: "Not now, but years ago he would talk to some people."
  Me: "I thought you said he was a philanthropist. What sort of
       philanthropist kicks the shit out of people just because
       they're different?"
Mary: "It's what Hank wants, and Hank's always right."
  Me: "How do you figure that?"
Mary: "Item 7 says, 'Everything Hanks says is right.'  That's good
       enough for me!"
  Me: "Maybe your friend Karl just made the whole thing up."
John: "No way!  Item 5 says, 'Hank dictated this list himself.'
       Besides, item 2 says, 'Use alcohol in moderation,'  item 4
       says, 'Eat right,' and item 8 says, 'Wash your hands after
       going to the bathroom.' Everyone knows those things are
       right, so the rest must be true, too."
  Me: "But 9 says, 'Don't Drink,' which doesn't quite go with item
       2, and 6 says, 'The moon is made of green cheese,' which is
       just plain wrong."
John: "There's no contradiction between 9 and 2,  9 just clarifies
       2. As far as 6 goes, you've never been to the moon, so you
       can't say for sure."
  Me: "Scientists have pretty firmly established that the moon is
       made of rock..."
Mary: "But they don't know if the rock came from the Earth, or from
       out of space, so it could just as easily be green cheese."
  Me: "I'm not really an expert, but I think the theory that the
       moon came from the Earth has been discounted.  Besides, not
       knowing where the rock came from doesn't make it cheese."
John: "Aha! You just admitted that scientists make mistakes, but we
       know Hank is always right!"
  Me: "We do?"
Mary: "Of course we do, Item 5 says so."
  Me: "You're saying Hank's always right because the list says so,
       the list is right because Hank dictated it, and we know that
       Hank dictated it because the list says so. That's circular
       logic, no different than saying, 'Hank's right because he
       says he's  right.'"
John: "Now you're getting it!  It's so rewarding to see someone
       come around to Hank's way of thinking."
  Me: "But... oh, never mind. What's the deal with wieners?"
 
Mary blushes.
 
John: "Wieners, in buns, no condiments. It's Hank's way.
       Anything else is wrong."
  Me: "What if I don't have a bun?"
John: "No bun, no wiener. A wiener without a bun is wrong."
  Me: "No relish? No Mustard?"
 
Mary looks positively stricken.
 
John shouts: "There's no need for such language Condiments of any
              kind are wrong!"
  Me: "So a big pile of sauerkraut with some wieners chopped up in
       it would be out of the question?"
 
Mary sticks her fingers in her ears: "I am not listening to this.
                                      La la la, la la, la la la."
 
John: "That's disgusting. Only some sort of evil deviant would eat
       that..."
  Me: "It's good! I eat it all the time."
 
Mary faints.
 
John catches her: "Well, if I'd known you were one of those I
                   wouldn't have wasted my time. When Hank kicks
                   the shit out of you I'll be there, counting my
                   money and laughing. I'll kiss Hank's ass for
                   you, you bunless cut-wienered kraut-eater."
 
With this, John dragged Mary to their waiting car, and sped off.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 27 Oct 1998 19:26:43 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Origin of Headlines (Pun: Rated: Sexual)
 
While a student at Drexel U. 50+ years ago, I served as features
writer for the LEXERD, the weekly campus gossip sheet. Our editor,
an English professor, asked me to cover a story about Gary Peters,
star quarterback of The Dragons, Drexel's football team. Poor guy
took a tumble and couldn't play with a cast on his leg. I
interviewed Gary, and wrote a humorous story. The headline for it
read: "DRAGONS TO PLAY FRANKLIN & MARSHAL WITHOUT PETERS."
 
The editor phoned and said, "So Stan, thought you'd sneak that
raunchy headline by me, didn't ya? Ha!" With that he seriously blue
lined it. The story appeared the next day, headlined, "DRAGONS TO
PLAY FRANKLIN & MARSHAL WITH PETERS OUT."
 
     -By Stanley;
         Moshav Neve Ilan, Israel
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 27 Oct 1998 to 28 Oct 1998
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