HUMOR Digest - 26 Oct 1998 to 27 Oct 1998
There are 8 messages totalling 282 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Problems ??? <some adult humor>
  2. A Very Keen Lad
  3. Cat Accident
  4. <Humor>   The Library Zone
  5. Snow White's BedTime(adult)
  6. Halloween Costumes (mildy risque)
  7. Trip To China (Pun)
  8. A Close Shave
 
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Date:    Mon, 26 Oct 1998 03:24:41 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Problems ??? <some adult humor>
 
Hey Guy, You Think You've Got Problems...
 
- imagine Adam trying to convince Eve that God intended for him
  to wear the plants in the family
 
- imagine being so old it takes you forty-five minutes to undress,
  and another twenty to remember why
 
- suppose by the time you can read a woman like a book...
  your eyes go bad
 
- suppose every time you meet a hot looking girl you used to
  know...  it's her daughter
 
- imagine being so impotent that you even have to fake
  premature ejaculation
 
_ imagine you join Overeaters Anonymous
  and they make you a chapter
 
- suppose two of the world's greatest movers and shakers
  move into the apartment above you
 
- suppose you become a sheik with 150 wives...
  and your house only has six bathrooms
 
- imagine you get a great color from going to the beach...
  but it's blue from holding your stomach in
 
- imagine at the beach your wife tells you to suck your gut in...
  and you already are
 
- suppose you go to a carnival...
  and a fortune teller offers to read your face
 
- suppose you married a girl because she looked like a siren
  but now, she only sounds like one
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Indexed UGA Humor Digests 1997-1998:
     (text)  www2.crosswinds.net/baltimore/~jimjr
      (zip)  www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
 
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Date:    Mon, 26 Oct 1998 07:07:37 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: A Very Keen Lad
 
A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city
department  store. In fact it was the biggest store in the
area -- you could get anything there. The boss asked him, "Have
you ever been a salesman before?"
 
"Yes, I was a salesman in the country," said the lad.  The boss
liked the cut of him and said, "You can start tomorrow and I'll
come and see you when we close up."
 
The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5
o'clock came around. The boss arrived and asked, "How many sales
did you make today?"
 
 "One," said the young salesman.
 
"Only one?" blurted the boss. "Most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales
a day. How much was the sale  worth?"
 
 "Thirty-eight thousand, three hundred and thirty-four dollars,"
said the young man.
 
"How did you manage that?" asked the flabbergasted boss.
 
"Well" said the salesman, "This man came in and I sold him a small
fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then
I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one.
"I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast.
I said he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the
boat department and sold him that twenty foot schooner with the
twin engines. Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldn't be able
to pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him a new
SUV."
 
The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold
all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?"
 
"No," answered the salesman.  "He came in to buy a box of Tampons
for his wife and I said to him, "Your weekend's shot, you may as
well go fishing."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 26 Oct 1998 09:36:32 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Cat Accident
 
Once upon a time, a woman had a faithful cat.  And one day, a guy
ran over the cat with his horse drawn carriage.  So, the man went
to the old woman and said..
 
"I'm terribly sorry about your cat. I'd like to replace him."
 
"That so nice of you!" said the old woman, deeply touched.
 
"So how good are you at catching mice?"
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 26 Oct 1998 14:03:30 -0500
From:    Jim Mica <jmica@ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: <Humor>   The Library Zone
 
 (Done in a Rod Serling type voice)
 
"Welcome to a place beyond imagination, a place fraught with
dangerous ideas and people, a place where if your not careful -
you might actually learn something. You have entered.........
            {REQUISITE DRAMATIC PAUSE...........}
 
THE LIBRARY ZONE!"
 
The place, an innocent academic library setting in a small isolated
rural area. In this place our Mr. Magoo (name changed to protect
the innocent) is sitting at the reference desk after helping a
patron, I mean a customer, no a client, we meant to say an
end-user, whups we meant the "chosen individual without whom the
libraries need for existence is not justified and thus we would
not be able to serve them", so I guess well just say a person.
 (Back to our exciting episode)
 
Mr. Magoo is innocently trying to classify some new video titles on
the form to be included in the new title listing, between helping
patrons - no one track mind here despite the persons changed name -
and attending to other persons needs. While perusing the title
list, a braying yet loud laugh explodes from directly behind the
poor man at his station.
 
A gentleman behind him is watching two new persons who had come in
to use the stapler at the supplies table in the front of the
library. But they did not come in to use the stapler to fasten
papers together - no sir! These two bright young students have come
in to use the stapler in a much more creative way. They are using
the staples to fasten together ripped portions of one students
pants, right on the posterior, first the left pocket is fastened
back on to the pants, then the ripped seam is closed on the left
side, and finally center/main seam is successfully reinforced in
the back.
 
Unfortunately, some of the staples penetrate the thick blue jean
fabric and cause some penetratingly painful expressions and
expletives from one of these creative artists. With much pulling
and tugging and the convenient use of a staple remover they remove
said staples and close the seam with new ones. Upon finishing the
two walk nonchalantly out of the library through the front
entrance, one having a peculiar and swaying style of walking,
almost an exaggerated strut...
 
And our poor Mr. Magoo? He could simply stare and watch in
unbelieving disbelief at what they were doing until several other
persons in the area saw what the two students were doing and broke
out into laughter of a most infectious kind. He had no choice but
to join them, what was happening was too outlandish... Have any of
the rest of you ever had such truly bizarre happenings and
behaviors of such a nature happen to you personally in your
libraries as well? This just happened in our library tonight!
 
     - Douglas Morrison; Univ. of Akron/Wayne College
       Library Assistant
       sagemorrison@uakron.edu
       dmorri1@uakron.edu
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 26 Oct 1998 14:28:07 -0600
From:    RANEBOUX <wett@GS.VERIO.NET>
Subject: Snow White's BedTime(adult)
 
One evening Snow White decided she was sleepy and announced to the
seven dwarfs that she was going to bed. After the usual lengthy
round of "Good Nights" she went upstairs. Immediately all seven
dwarfs rushed outside and began standing on each others shoulders
beneath Snow White's bedroom window.
 
Tonight was Grumpy's turn to be on the top and as he was the only
one who could see in the window it was his duty to inform the other
dwarfs what she was doing. After a minute or two he hollered down,
"She's taking off her blouse!" and this was echoed down the stack
"taking off her blouse," "she's taking off her blouse," "blouse is
coming off," "taking off her blouse," etc.
 
Next Grumpy yelled, "She's taking off her skirt," which was
followed by the echoes "taking off her skirt," "she's taking off
her skirt," "skirt's coming off," "taking off her skirt," etc.
 
Of course the next line from Grumpy was, "She's taking off her
bra!" and the echo chorus went down the line. Then, "She's taking
off her panties!" which again cascaded down the dwarf tower.
 
Finally Grumpy looked around and from his vantage height saw
someone coming through the woods so he yelled, "Someone's coming!"
and from the next dwarf to the bottom dwarf was heard, "Me too."
"Me too." "Me too." "Me too." "Me too." "Me too."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 26 Oct 1998 18:27:12 -0600
From:    "D. B. Christian" <dchristi@BADLANDS.NODAK.EDU>
Subject: Halloween Costumes (mildy risque)
 
My wife and I were discussing our Halloween costumes tonight.
She wants to go as Monica Lewinsky.
 
If she does, I'm going as the cigar.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 26 Oct 1998 18:59:57 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Trip To China (Pun)
 
A business man called and had a question about the documents he
needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about
passports, I reminded him he needed a visa.
 
"Oh, no, I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to
have one of those."
 
I double checked, and sure enough, his stay required a visa.
 
When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times
and every time...  they have accepted my American Express."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 26 Oct 1998 22:45:09 -0500
From:    "William E. Grover" <g7718769@IDT.NET>
Subject: A Close Shave
 
A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming
him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave
around the cheeks.  "I have just the thing," says the barber taking
a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer, "just place this between
your cheek and gum."
 
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds
with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few
strokes, the client asks in garbled speech, "And what if I swallow
it?"
 
"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like
everyone else does."
 
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End of HUMOR Digest - 26 Oct 1998 to 27 Oct 1998
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